Thursday, June 25, 2020

Once upon a Time, or How I learned to stop using Narrators. Part 2

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who-

- insisted she sleep on sixteen mattresses.

What?

Ask her.

What?

Annoying isn't it.

Now look here, this is MY FAIRYTALE!

Okay. Okay, don't get your iron knickers in a rust.

Wait, who insisted she sleep on sixteen mattresses?

Jane.

No way.

Ask her.

Well, that would be awkward.

Of course, it will be.

I think I hate you.

I give it two weeks before you crack and ask her.

(grumbles)


Sunday, March 22, 2020

Once upon a Time, or How I learned to stop using Narrators. Part I

Once upon a Time...

"This is why I hate narrators," Charlie said. She was very upset.
"I am upset."

She threw her magic pen down on her desk, picked up the magic book, closed it and pounded it on the desk until her arms ached.

"This is my fairytale!" She screamed.

"I am not Screaming!" She yelled.

"I am not yelling!" She shouted.

"Really? Are we doing this?" She spoke loudly.

"Fuke you dude!" She sat down and pouted.

She gave the narrator a hand gesture and brooded.

She gave the narrator another hand gesture and stuck her adorable tongue out.

"Adorable?" Charlie said, whilst quirking an eyebrow.

Okay, I give. You can have your fairytale.

This time.

"Once upon a time." Charlie began. "Ahem."

Sorry, old habits are hard to break.

Once upon a time, about a year after the Dragonslaying incident, the lived a beautiful princess in the many towered castle of Stonehaven. 

"Princess?" Jane interrupted. "You think I am beautiful?"

Please tell me you didn't just giggle.

Don't say I didn't warn you*



*former narrator.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

ONCE upon a time. Again.



Once upon a time, far, far, far away.
Well, not so far away as that.

There was the Magical Kingdom of StoneHaven
My Home.
"Then one day a dragon ate it."
What dragon?
"I'm sure I can whip one up."
You're an idiot.
"Says you."
I am the narrator.
"And what difference does that make?"
My boyfriend is a toad.
"Ouch."

So, we went off on an adventure, slew a dragon, rescued a princess, who my idiot father, the king, insists I must marry. Never mind, that I am a girl and she's a girl and you know what? My father is to blame for this, mostly.
My father is King Devon of StoneHaven, a little kingdom off the beaten track near Far Far Away. There are seven other kingdoms and some duchies that make up our neck of the woods. 
Beyond the lands of the 9 kingdoms are the Witch Wastes to the south, the Dragon Wastes to the North, the Land of Myr to the West and Wizard Estates to the East. In between these vast lands and wastelands are the 18 Seas. I won't name them here since I usually forget what the other 17 are. Geography is not my strong point
"8 Kingdoms and 9 Duchies."
"What?"
"You said 9 Kingdoms."
"I know what I said, Jane."
"If there are only 8 kingdoms, how come you said there was a ninth? It makes no sense."
I love it when she pouts.
"I am not pouting."
It's the duchies. There are 9 of them and collectively they insist on being the Ninth Kingdom.
"So why not say that in the first place?"
"Because the Baronies would find out and insist that there were enough of them to form a 10th kingdom." That's not happening.
"Why isn't it happening?"
Sometimes I wonder if I think out loud.
"It's these magic books that Flynn sells that shows the story as you write it."
"Remind me to kill Flynn."
"He was just sore that you are going to marry me instead of him."
He could have asked!!!!
Jane says nothing.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Once upon a time, there was a-

"What are ye writing, Lassie?"

"Nothing Grimm! I am, however, trying to write in peace."

That means NO DWARVES, GOBLINS OR DRAGONS.

"Well, ye don't have to be rude."

Sometimes rude is the only way to be.














Saturday, October 14, 2017

I was going to call this one All's Well that Ends Well but Shakes Spear objected.

And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
Time to go.

"HEY!"

Dammit.

"YOU CAN'T JUST END IT THERE!"

And why not?

"FOR ONE THING, WHO'S THEY?"

Prince Charlie and her friends... I mean the Duke obviously didn't since he's a little snit.

"THIS STINKS."

It's my fairytale.

It is my fairytale, right?

Well....

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT?"

The narrator.

"FUKE THAT GUY!"

And then the voices cried out as one frog right before the elephant put her foot down.

"NUTS."

I warned you.

Once upon a time....

Really?

Yup.

Dammit.

In a wasteland farther away than one might think.
There was a beautiful and brave Prince who was really a Princess.

Hi, that's me.

A dashing Rogue-

"That's me," Max says. "I'm Dashing."

A Freshly Rescued and Pretty Princess-

"I guess that's me," Jane adds.

A Fantastically Fancy Witch...

Ismie blows gracefully.

A de-garden-gnomed Dwarf with a chip on his shoulder

"[expletive deleted]"

and 3 idiotic footmen.

"I am not a footman!" Alex yells.

Luke and that other one look at him yelling.

"My name is Wilks!"

"You are not on foot?" Ismie asks.

"Well, yes." Alex replies in a lower tone of voice.

"You are a soldier in Prince Charlie's Guard?" Ismie asks.

"Well...yes."

"Then you are a footman."

Alex grumbles.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT US?!"

I look at Prince Charming, his Man-at-arms, a garden gnome and an odd assortment of soldier's dragging my dragon's head.

"What about you?"

"Don't we get an intro?" Definitely Prince Charmin.

"I dunno."

"And why not, pray tell?"

"I am no longer narrating.

Once upon a time in the Dragon Wastlelands, there was a band of stalwart adventurers who, having slain a dragon were on the long road home, on foot.
The way was harsh and five of them died getting home.

Wait, what?

5 of them are about to die.

DAMMIT.

Kidding.

I am beginning to hate you.

Once upon a time in the Dragon Wastelands, there was a group of loosely associated people who did not get on well. One of them had a Fairytale complex.
Good times.....

Hey?

Sorry, reminiscing.
Where were we?


We are on the road back to Stonehaven.
Ismie turns to me at the crossroads.
She points to the road sign that reads "WitchHaven" off to the right.
"This is my road," she says. We hug. She whispers in my ear, "Tell Ralph to call me. It's been a blast, let's do it again sometime."
Then she snaps her fingers and a broom hops out of nowhere. She hops onto it and speeds out of sight. I watch her go.
I wish she was my fairy godmother.
"Yer nuts," Grimm grumbles as he watches her speed off.
"That's what a garden gnome would say," I retort.
Grimm gives me the finger.

"Speaking of which-" Sprogg-something tries to say. "We must be going as well." Sprocket the one-armed gnome interrupt the Garden Gnome. "Hey! I was tal-"
"We must be going to." The Man-at-arms says interrupting whatshisname? "It's a long way back to Stevenshire, and we're walking." he points to his Prince and the other soldiers. I would say it was nice, but then Prince Charming would probably have me birched."
"Bye!" I reply. as they all peel off to the left following the Stevenshire sign.
"My name is Sprog-" the Garden Gnome yells as we walk on.

Alex and Luke and Wilk's shift the Dragon's head between them as Grimm marches on
I am walking between Max and Jane. The Parasite Inn is fading away into the distance.

"Well that was a good adventure," I say.
"mmmhmmm." Jane says asshe takes my hand.
"It's all getting better from here," Max says. "Right?"
"Uhm."
"Aw Come on!" Max says, "What's the worst that can happen?"

I have a bad feeling but choose to ignore it.
I also ignore the background music that is playing something foreboding.

All's Well that Ends Well.
No one lived happily ever after, however.

Oh, hush.





Sunday, September 17, 2017

When in Rome or Finally The Rescue

What the heck is Rome?

"Not what but where darling," Ismie says as we walk into the cells.
I just realized that the Narrator always titles these entries in my journal. This makes me nervous.
"It's called foreboding. He is planning evil things for your future." Ismie says as we look at the collective of my friends and their new collection of jail-friends.

"Hi," I say waving at Max and Jane. "Miss me?"

"Well, it's about bloody time!" Jane manages to yell before Max slaps his hand over her mouth then makes an awful face when she bites his finger.
"It's been a few weeks since you left," Max says through gritted teeth.
"It's not my fault," I reply, " It was the narrator who went off to do other things."
"Who?" Max asks.
"That is some bloody fine excuse girl!" Grimm snarls from his cage. "I am no animal girl!"
"Look, could we speed this up, perhaps?" Prince Charming asks from his cell.
"You!" A troll screams lunging for the bars.
"Me?" I squawk.
"Not you, twit. HER!" The Troll snarls.
I look at Ismie, she shrugs.
"Me," She says.
"I'm gonna kill you!" It snarls.
"I think not." Ismie who twitches her wand.
"What are you going to do?" the garden gnome snarls. "DAMN!"
"Do we need the keys?" I ask, Ismie hands them over. I start unlocking cells. Max embraces me as I open his and Jane's. We kiss.







and kiss.







"I think we get the point," Jane interrupts.
Max lets me go.
I hand him the keys and make some oblique hand gestures.
Jane embraces me. We kiss







and kiss.
"WE GET THE POINT!!!" Grimm yells.
Ismie embraces me.
"STOP!" EVERYONE yells.
Ismie gives me a peck on the cheek.
"There's always tomorrow," she says and turns Grimm into a garden gnome.
"What did you do that!" Grimm squeaks. "Hey, I don't squeak!"
"Just wondered if it would work," Ismie says. "Dwarves resist magic so you just never know."
"Gnome's are basically Dwarves." Another garden gnome says.... it's the annoying one- can't remember his name.
"Hey! My name is Sproggut-"
Right the annoying one.
"Hey! I wasn't finished, My name is-"
"Well, it is about time! Did you get my treasure?"
It's Prince Charming.
"Technically no," I answer.
"Technically, you were supposed to slay the dragon." He says trying to look casual and authoritarian at the same time.
"Technicalities," I say thinking that he'll never pull off anything but confused.
"I can see why you are still single," he fires back.
"I can see why you are still a virgin!" I fire back.
"I am not a virgin." He says weakl-
"Stop doing that!"
Stop doing what?
"Making me look bad by assigning passive descriptions to how I talk."
Oh.
"Yes, oh," He says triumphantly.


"Don't stop," Max says. "This is good stuff."
Everyone is watching us argue.
"Oh grow up!" Prince IgotanegothesizeofCharon yells.
"I DO NOT!" He yells.
"Charon is pretty big," His Man-at-Arms remarks.
"Who's side are you on!" Prince Touchypants accuses.
"Oh, that's mature." Duke Ivan says from the doorway.
"You are such a virgin," I reply.
"That's the last straw, I will smite you even if you are a girl, Girlie!"
I punch him. He goes down like a pageboy at his first knife fight.
"I suppose, I will have to protest about that." The Man-at-Arms says.
We look down at Mister Glassjaw together.
"Nah." I say.
Ismie joins us.
"Nice punch."
"I need a Drink." Grimm says.
"You're going alone, if you think we are going back to the Parasite Inn."





Thursday, August 24, 2017

Interludes in magic.

The Narrator's gone on hiatus, again.

I feel like we are standing frozen in place each time that old bastard decides to take a break and go play with Frank or Dixon or the Spartan or whoever else he's got going on the side and ignore me!
you bastard!
you bastard!
you bastard!

"Who are you yelling at?" Ismie asks.
"Nobody... what gives you that idea?"
"Well you are screaming at that book and hammering it on the desk at the same time."
She's right, we are in the middle of a jailbreak and I lose it.
Still, am I the only one that knows we've been standing here about to go free my friends for a month while that bastard picks his nose and plays with his other books?

I like milk, sipped slowly from a saucer- and to be scratched behind my ears by Ismie's long fingernails. I curl into her lap and purr to my heart's content. This is the perfect life for a kitten.
No, wait- he didn't- he wouldn't! HE DID!

Ismie looks down at me in curled up in her perfect lap.

"Have you learned your lesson yet?'

Maybe.

"What have you learned?" Ismie asks.

Don't call the writer/narrator a bastard.

"Whose story are we trapped in?" Duke Ivan says (a frozen wail on his unhappy face)

"I dunno my lord, but he's one temperamental wizard to be sure." Rupert says still stuck in mid jump in the air. "Been like this for a month and I really need to pee-"

Fine!
I am sorry I called you a bastard.

I look around hopefully.

Something worked because I am standing next to Ismie who brushes cat fur off her skirt.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Pandemonium is not about dancing Pandas





"I'm not screaming!" The beefy guard screams as he runs for cover, this being a desk which he hurdles in a single leap landing with a sufficiently slimy plop. "Ribbbith!" the frog croaks.
The toady guard hops, runs, scrambles out of the way as the other guards start bolting in order to avoid Ismie's wrath.
Someone is shouting "Witch!' as guards continue being zapped into oddly colored amphibians.
Ismie stands in the midst of the chaos calmly pointing a slender wood wand at various guards, giving the wand a roll and saying things like "tree frog," "mud dabber," or "rainbow puckerer."
This goes on for about an hour.
"It was just three minutes."
The end result, about 100 frogs, toads and newts sitting in various positions of utter confusion or sticking to the walls in much the same state.
"There are only 20, I counted."
I look at Ismie reproachfully. She shrugs.
"Fine, there are 80 invisible toads and it took forever to get it done."
"Now what?"
"I suppose we find the key and get your friends out of jail." Ismie looks around.
I look around.
"What happened to the guard's clothes?" I ask.
Ismie stops cleaning her wand and looks up.
"Oops," She says.
"Oops?" I ask.
"Side effect of the spell, I'm afraid" Ismie replies, shrugging her beautiful face creasing with a lopsided grin.
"Side effect?" I try to shrug and do my own lop-sided grin.
Ismie giggles as my grin looks more like that of a drunken clown smiling with most of his teeth gone.
"Well, it's a matter of propriety." Ismie settles herself carefully on one of the few pieces of furniture still intact and right side up.
"Go on," I say looking around for something to perch on, failing to find anything leaning against a wall. An angry ribbit explodes as I almost squash a multicolored Gecko Frog. He sticks out his tongue at me and hops further down the wall.
It takes Ismie awhile to stop laughing.
So I laugh as well.
"You don't want these guys to return to human shape naked."
I shudder.
"Exactly."
Not a one of them had been what I would call handsome.
"Ith amth noth ugly!" declares the toad who had been the shorter guard.
We look at him.
"Neverth-mindth," The toad says as he scuttles away.
"How long will they be like this?' I ask.
"Oh about a day or two, wide casting seldom can last more than that."
I nod my head as if to say I understood any of it.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!!"
We look around to find a thin young man in finery standing at an open inner door. He is kind of cute if you like your men skinny, no lanky- no, rail thin- yes, rail-thin.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!"
We look around, again, to find another man skinny but with an enormous pot belly (which looks very odd indeed) standing opposite the rail-thin fop. This one is dressed in traditional star-gazer robes.
"She just called me a fop!" The Fop yelled.
"She just inferred that I am a stargazer!" The pot-bellied dud yelled back.
"Don't you mean dude?" Ismie says.
"What?" I say.
"You wrote dud not dude, don't you mean dude?" Ismie says as the smile fights to reclaim her face.
"What is a dude?" I say.
"Probably same as a dud, but more laid back," Ismie replies.
I shrug.
"Hello! We are standing right here!" The Fop shouts flapping his arms.
"Does she always do this?" the Dud asks Ismie.
"Yes, and I find it very charming," Ismie says as I blush.
"Well, okay then." the Dud says.
"HELLO? I AM STILL STANDING RIGHT HERE!!!" the fop yells.
"That you are," Ismie says.
"WELL?"
"Well, what?" I ask.
For a moment, the fop looks apoplectic then he calms down and points at himself.
I raise my eyebrow.
He jabs himself in the chest.
I lower my eyebrow.
"What his highness is saying is that since he is the Duke that you two should curtsy," the dud interjects.
"EXACTLY!" the fo- I mean the Duke says and crosses his arms.
"He yells too much," I say to Ismie.
"He's always been like this ever since he was a little piglet," Ismie says.
I raise both of my eyebrows.
Ismie giggles.
"Figure of speech," She adds.
"Witches." the dud says.
"I am not a dud (whatever that is)," the dud says as he turns on me. "I happen to be a wizard." He whips out a stargazer hat and plants it on his bald head.
"Balding! I am just balding-not bald!"
"Whoa calm down dude," I say before glancing at Ismie to confirm I am using dude right. She gives me the thumbs up.
"I am-" he begins, but I interrupt him.
"You don't look like a wizard," I say.
"How would you know?"
"I know a wizard," I say "His name is Ralph."
"His name is Ralph." the dude says in a very condescending fashion. "What makes him a wizard but not me?"
"He doesn't wear Stargazer robes and a pointy hat with a moon on it."
"This is what wizards wear."
"Nope," I say.
"What?"
"I said nope. Wizards wear blue jeans and Van Halen Tee Shirts."
The dude looks at me, mouth open and then at Ismie who shrugs. I know my wizards.
"You're insane." he says.
"What?"
"I went to the wizard school in Stoval Korg and no wizard there wears blue beans and Van Hellven Cee Shirts!"
"Blue jeans."
"What?"
"They are called Blue Jeans, dude," I shake my head. "No one wears beans even if they are blue."
He just gapes at me.
"Look, she's a witch and she doesn't wear a stargazer robe or rags."
He looks at Ismie for a long while before whipping out his own wand.
Ismie points her wand at him and says "Disarmification."
The dude's wand turns into a turnip.
He looks at it and curses.
"Nicely done," I say.
"Thank you." Ismie gives me a flourish and a half bow from her spot on the table.
The dude reaches into his robe whips out another wand which also turns into a turnip.
He stares at it in shock.
"Spell duration," Ismie says sweetly.
I clap.
The dude sighs, shoves the turnip back into his robe, looks around, walks over to an upturned chair, correct its position then sits down.
"So what do you call yourself?" Ismie asks.
"What?" he glances at her and shrugs. "I am Rupert the magnificent."
"Not Magnificient?"
Rupert looks embarrassed.
"I'm confused," I put my two bits in.
"It's a wizard thing," Rupert says. "Until I win a wizarding duel, I am just magnificent."
"Figures" I reply. Wizards are very odd.
"HELLO!?!" The Duke yells.
"Oh sorry, your worthlessness," Ismie says turning back to him.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!"
"I turned all your guards into amphibians," Ismie says with a shrug, I love how she shrugs. She glances back to give me a wink.
"Hey! Cut that out!" the Duke yells at me. "Why would you do that?"
"They were being rude," Ismie says turning back to him.
"You have no respect for authority!" the Duke says. "You should be put in a cell until you do."
"Oh?"
"Yes."
"What are you going to do about it, little man."
Wait, I just said that!
The Duke holds up his hand, waggles his fingers. He has a nasty smug smile on his face.
A fresh flood of heavily armored men charges into the room around him.
"Oh. That is something."
I say. I look at Ismie.
"I got this," Ismie says.
She hops to her feet, does a flip off the table and whips her wand into a full arc as she does it.
It is a thing of grace and beauty as this beautiful athletic woman executes this perfect flip while magic streams out in rainbow colors across the room.
"Oh Fuke," Says the first heavily armored man.

Later, we find the keys on the armored man at the back of the room.
He's not a man anymore, he is now a wonderfully cute little black and white bear cub.
"That's a panda," Ismie says.
"Oh." It's true the panda sits inside the suit of the armor like his fellow's- sufficiently contained cages.

"IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" the Duke wails. Turns out he's actually 15 and not 16 and it shows. He looks quite old for his age. Rupert pats him on his back. After what Ismie did, he hasn't even tried anything even after his main wand turned back.