Drinks at dusk, Long Island Tea on the patio.

Well, at least today wasn't a complete loss.

"So there's no treasure?" I say and take a sip of the Long Island Tea. I haven't ever had tea that made me want to sigh, giggle and burp at the same time. It's good. I might get drunk.

"Nope." The troll says, his name is Larry. He's kind of nice once you get off his grass.
"I spent the whole thing on this house, the lawn and that garden gnome and his friends."

I pick up the Garden Gnome's head. I consider it.
"He has friends?"

"Yeah, they conned me into buying them, said it would be good for the lawn and the house, give it a civilized look," Larry says then takes a long draw on his tea. "Instead, as soon as I paid them, they skipped town right after paralyzing this twit on my lawn."

We're sitting on the patio at the back of the house/cottage. There's even more lawn back here. I can make out a cave . I point at it.

"Yeah, the family hole. very cramped and uncomfortable, wife would have none of it. so I cashed in the family loot after a pesky prince tried to take it and got the house and lawn from this traveling witch name Ismie- she was nice, but I wish she had warned me about the gnomes. " Larry glares at the Garden Gnome head in my hand.

Ismie....could this be Ralph's love interest?

"Uh." Me, I am the queen of glib speech.

"Yeah?" Larry says.

"Your wife is in the Duke's jail- along with that pesky prince and my friends."

"Figures." Larry replies then drains his glass. looks at my half drunk one, shrugs his massive shoulders and grabs the Tea Pitcher- which is larger than my whole body. He refills his glass, takes a sip, leans back in his patio chair- something he calls an Ironback Lounger. It's a massive wooden contraption that is half chair, half bed. He looks wistfully out at the cave fo a time.

"Did she ask about me?" There's a pain in that voice.

I consider lying.

"Heck no, she thinks you are a boring pile of Troll Poooooooooooooo-" The gnome head yells in my hand right up to the point I throw it over the lawn into the woods. "Fuck yoooouuu." The Garden Gnome head hits a trunk and shatters into many pieces.

"Thanks," Larry says.

"No problem," I reply, then take a deep breath, release it and drink deeply. The tea goes straight to my head. "No she didn't - but she- dammit, I didn't know she was a she since I am so woefully ignorant of what trolls look like-" I try to make my mouth shut. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't sweat it," Larry says smiling. "Karen looks like a man troll because she told Ismie to go to hell when she learned all that I had spent all the money on the house and lawn- apparently, Karen thought that Ismie's price was too high. Karen called her a hag."

I laugh at this because I have seen Ismie and a had she is definitely not a hag.

"Well, Ismie turned Karen into a man troll for that....I feel kind of bad since I hadn't told Karen about the Garden Gnome thing," Larry shrugs. "Ismie told me the man curse would wear off eventually."

"Ouch," I say then take a long drink remembering how long I had been a frog not too long ago. I wonder if that had been Ismie's doing but then I remember that witch had been a hag.... her name was Callendra or something.

"Anywho," Larry says leaning back. "Karen took to going to the Parasite Inn after that. I think she was planning to get revenge since Ismie drinks there from time to time."

We watch the seagulls flying in the evening sky. We drink more Long Island Tea. The sun sets.

I wake up in the chair with a blanket draped over me.
The Garden Gnome, completely intact is sitting on my knee doing his nails.

I almost scream.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I grab him, readying to throw him back into the woods.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I freeze in place. the Garden Gnome feel soft and cottony definitely not porcelain.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I put him down and look at him closely.

He looks at me indignantly, straightens his coat and sits back down on the chair.

"You're different," I say.

"Well, aren't you the sharpest stick in the bushel," he snips out.

I grab him by the throat and get ready to hurl him.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I wait.

"I'm sorry," the Garden Gnome says, he is a lot less aerodynamic now. "Old habits are hard to break."

I put him down.

"I was going to thank you for breaking the curse place on my by that bastard Robert the semi stupendous."

"You mean Ralph." I say.

"Of course, Ralph," The Garden Gnome says. "What did I say?"

"Robert."

"Ah," he says. "Look- it doesn't matter- I might have deserved it. I am a gnome anyway."

"You're a Garden Gnome."

"Not anymore." he says, he stops and starts laughing.

I crack my knuckles, he stops, looks at me nervously.

"You thought Garden Gnomes were a race of gnomes?"

I nod.

"Nah, it's a curse that magic users place on regular Gnomes." That would explain why I instantly hated him.

"What did you do to get cursed anyway?" I ask.

"I called his girlfriend a cow." the gnome says. "I might have also called his kid a filthy rat."

His kid? Ralph has kids. This just keeps getting better...is Ismie the mother?

"His kid?" I say, my mind racing.

"Yeah, there was this brat always hanging around asking pesky questions, apparently Ralph called her after a boy, what a yutz! Anyway, I am grateful to you for breaking the curse, my name is Sprogsgu- ack." He says the ack as I have grabbed him by the throat. Sprogsgu- looks at me wide eyed.

"I am that kid." I snarl before pitching him up in the air and then drop kicking him into the woods.

"I'm sorrrrrrryyyyyyy." Sprogsgu yells as he sails across the lawn. There's a satisfying thud and a crash.

"Gnome Punting," Larry says from the back door. "It's a sport in Stone Haven, they tell me."

I look over at Larry the troll. I smile, he smiles.

"Pancakes?"

Once upon a time...who am I kidding?

My life is not like a fairy tale. It is a fairy tale.
Now I have to go trick a troll out of his money, in order to bail out all of my friends and compatriots and Prince Slime-ball.
On the upside, My diary tells me we are getting an upgrade. Not sure what that means, but it's got to be good.
The troll's cave turns out to be a nice looking cottage nestled by the sea.
"That's not a troll cave."
"I didn't ask you."
"Fine, just ignore me."
"You're a garden gnome."
"Excuse me I am a  Garden Gnome!" The idiot in the little red cap says, indignantly. "It all caps you Gopher loving pothole!"
I look down where he is stands, holding out a sign that says "Troll Cave."
He looks at the sign and shrugs.
"It's still not a troll cave." he says and sticks out his tongue at me.
I grab his tongue and pull him up to eye level.
"Gack Gweek Gnock Ack!" the Garden Gnome screams.
"Let me explain how I feel about Gnomes." I then snap my hand like a whip and watch with much satisfaction as the little idiot jerks around in the air. I let go and he sails he over heels over the garden hedge, all tongue and spittle and sign.
"RaCwist Pwig!" He screams before there is a crash.

"What the Heck is going on here!" A very large ugly man emerges from the cottage's front door. He stands about 18 hands tall, is apparently wearing what Ralph calls a "house coat" - floral pattern and all- also, something Ralph calls "Flip Flops" but I call silly looking sandals. a dirty white shirt, a pair of short pantaloons that Ralph calls "Bermudas." He's unshaven and Fuke, it's the troll.
He looks at me, I look at him. The Garden Gnome runs out with the sign with a small cudgel. I step forward and say
"Your wife is in Jail."
The Garden Gnome shrieks in terror and runs in the opposite direction.
I freeze in place and the Troll starts screaming.
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"

I step back.
He immediately calms down.
Trolls are whack.
"Hey, if you knew how long it takes to have a well-manicured lawn." The troll says. "Then you'd yell too."
You might be wondering how he knows what I am narrating.
You might be like, How do all my foes know what I write in my magic diary.
Well, I will tell you.
It's-
"because we are usually having it read to us afterwards." The troll says. "I mean, other than being degrading, I am somewhat impressed that you care to try to get it correct."

Confused?
It happens. I kind of skipped ahead of myself.
I step back, the troll calms down. I scream "Bloody Murder." Draw my sword and charge onto the lawn at full sprint making sure to dig my heels in order to tear hunks of turf up in my wake. The troll bellows "Damned Humans!" Grabs his hedge trimmers and charges. I cut his hedge in half. Also, chop off the Garden Gnome's head since he was hiding in the hedge. The troll lunges forward to pick up the remains of his hedge and the torn up turf. The Troll begins to weep.
I get ready to behead him.
He looks at me, a big bit of snot hanging from his nose.
"How can you be so inhumane?"
"Dammit."
"What?"
"I thought we were supposed to be mortal enemies."
"Oh."
"I thought you were going to say something like I'm gonna grind up your bones for suet."
"That's not how you make suet." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
I sit down on the troll's stoop.
"Would it help if I said I am sorry?"
"It might."
"Okay, I am sorry."
"I forgive you." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
"I hate gnomes," I reply as I get up and kick the Garden Gnomes head like a ball.
"Fuck You!" The head screams as it rolls away across the lawn.
"What did that mean?" I say.
"What?" The troll says as he crawls around pushing the torn turf back down into his lawn.
"Fuck?"
"Now sure, maybe it has something to do with gardening," the troll says as he continues.
"Oh." Note to self: Corner Ralph and make him talk.
"Who's Ralph?" The troll asks.

This is why nothing ever goes as planned.
"That was a plan?" The beheaded Garden Gnome says.

Arrgh!