The Parasite Inn Barkeep appears at our table.
"I know you."
Ismie looks up in surprise, then she shrugs.
"Of course you know me," Ismie replies.
"No, I know you!" and then he points at me.
"I was in here a couple of nights ago," I said. I give him my best smile.
"You're trouble." He says.
I shuffle nervously. I glance at Ismie.
"It wasn't my fault, I tried to warn them, but the dwarf, the ogre, the prince, the-the ogre's wife she-"
"Nah, I like the other version better," the barkeep announces and cracks a big toothy smile.
I gawk?
Gape?
"I like the other version better as well," Ismie says.
I glance at her and try to discreetly shake my head.
"What other version?" The reassembled gnome Sprogsgutt asks.
Dammit.
"Where's the harm in that?" Ismie says and pokes me in the ribs.
So I jumped.
Ismie laughs.
The Barkeep laughs.
I find myself standing with a lute in my hands on a stage I didn't realize was even there. A spotlight falls on me.
Before I can form a coherent thought to protest, I strum the lute, then sing.
"Well, I'll tell ya!"
No, no, no, no, no, no!
"I love this bar."
Tobias Keith hates me.
I mean if I knew who Tobias Keith was, he'd hate me.
"No!" The Barkeep yells. "The other song!"
Nuts.
"I'm not as good as I once was?"
"That's the one!" The Barkeep yells.
Nuts.
Then Anne the waitress pops up at my side.
Me: "She said-"
Anne: "I've seen you in here before."
Me:"I've been in here a time or three!"
Anne:"Hello my name is Princess Trinity.
meet my sisters Joela and Bethany.
We're all feeling kind of bored tonight
and you're the only knight in this place
if you're up for a rescue, then we can put a big
fairy tale reward on your face!"
Me: "This in not going to end well."
Anne: "That's not the song."
There's a growl from the bar.
Me: "Lady! I might be wrong!
but I am not as good as I once was
I am going to need some more beer now
not long ago I was having a good time
I am not committing another crime!"
Anne stops looks at the barkeep, gives a shrug before slipping off the stage.
I take a deep sigh of relief, I can now escape.
The Ismie sweeps me off my feet and sings.
Ismie: "I could put my enemies down low
I could say them words real slow
I can probably love you all tonight
I might be brave enough
I am not as good as I once was
but I am evil when the going gets tough."
I am caught somewhere between blushing and screaming in abject betrayal.
There is applause.
Ismie, not you too.
Me: "I still hang out at this bar with my pal Ismie.
I've known her since we turned me into a from last summer.
Little did I know that it would be such a bummer."
Ismie: "Last night we had a few drinks,
got into a fight based on matrimonial demands!
Me:"Then things just got way out of hand!
Ismie: "I just had a great idea!"
Me: "Is this part of the song?"
Ismie: "I'm not as good as I once was,
but I can still spin a spell or two,
I'm sorry about the whole frog thing,
besides, that wasn't me, it was Witch Matilda Bleu!"
Me: "I'm listening, tell me true!"
Ismie: "Do you trust me, Charlie?"
Me: "Are we still singing?"
Ismie: "We can if you still want to."
Me: "The Crowd is getting ugly."
Ismie: "Hang on, I've got it all well in hand."
Me: "Could we just leave it to the backup band?"
Ismie: "Well, I am not as evil as I once was,
I could have toasted this place,
I would have roasted that guy's face!
My how the years have flown
done it all in a silken ballroom gown,
I could really hold my own!
But if they really want a song tonight
they aren't getting it without a barroom
fight.
Now quick as a cat let's get out of sight!"
and then we turned invisible.
All hell broke loose, chairs are flying, table smashing. At one point Anne, the cute waitress comes by wailing away at Sproggsgutt with a frying pan. shards of ceramic gnome are flying in all directions. There are elves fighting orcs, there are dwarves fighting elves, there are orcs fighting each other.
Ismie is sitting in her chair next to me laughing into her hands trying and succeeding at not making a noise. I am ducking around next to her as the chaos continues.
"When did all these people show up?"
Ismie considers for a long moment.
"I think it was in the middle of the second verse.
Then Duke Ivan's men charge in and arrest everyone in sight.
We remain invisible.
After they all are gone, we reappear.
"Well, that went well, don't you think?"
"I dunno...."
Ismie pats me on the arm.
"Let's go turn ourselves into the Duke Ivan the Horrendous."
"Horrible."
"I know it's horrible, I was just being facetious," Ismie says.
"I know, I just think that's a horrible idea."
"You worry too much."
"It's because I am not a witch, I guess."
"True but we can fix that."
Ismie smiles at me so sweetly that I get chills.
"I like the other version better," the barkeep says as we walk out into the night.
"What version is tha-" Sprogsgutt asks as the door swings shut.
"You know it's good to be a witch," Ismie says taking my arm.
I am afraid to ask.
"You shouldn't be afraid, my lovey."
Well, I am.
"I am going to take such good care of you."
Help!
Ismie laughs as we walk into the moonrise.
"Charlie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
Roll Curtain.
"We are just going to the jailhouse, right?"
"Oh, we will get there eventually.
"I know you."
Ismie looks up in surprise, then she shrugs.
"Of course you know me," Ismie replies.
"No, I know you!" and then he points at me.
"I was in here a couple of nights ago," I said. I give him my best smile.
"You're trouble." He says.
I shuffle nervously. I glance at Ismie.
"It wasn't my fault, I tried to warn them, but the dwarf, the ogre, the prince, the-the ogre's wife she-"
"Nah, I like the other version better," the barkeep announces and cracks a big toothy smile.
I gawk?
Gape?
"I like the other version better as well," Ismie says.
I glance at her and try to discreetly shake my head.
"What other version?" The reassembled gnome Sprogsgutt asks.
Dammit.
"Where's the harm in that?" Ismie says and pokes me in the ribs.
So I jumped.
Ismie laughs.
The Barkeep laughs.
I find myself standing with a lute in my hands on a stage I didn't realize was even there. A spotlight falls on me.
Before I can form a coherent thought to protest, I strum the lute, then sing.
"Well, I'll tell ya!"
No, no, no, no, no, no!
"I love this bar."
Tobias Keith hates me.
I mean if I knew who Tobias Keith was, he'd hate me.
"No!" The Barkeep yells. "The other song!"
Nuts.
"I'm not as good as I once was?"
"That's the one!" The Barkeep yells.
Nuts.
Then Anne the waitress pops up at my side.
Me: "She said-"
Anne: "I've seen you in here before."
Me:"I've been in here a time or three!"
Anne:"Hello my name is Princess Trinity.
meet my sisters Joela and Bethany.
We're all feeling kind of bored tonight
and you're the only knight in this place
if you're up for a rescue, then we can put a big
fairy tale reward on your face!"
Me: "This in not going to end well."
Anne: "That's not the song."
There's a growl from the bar.
Me: "Lady! I might be wrong!
but I am not as good as I once was
I am going to need some more beer now
not long ago I was having a good time
I am not committing another crime!"
Anne stops looks at the barkeep, gives a shrug before slipping off the stage.
I take a deep sigh of relief, I can now escape.
The Ismie sweeps me off my feet and sings.
Ismie: "I could put my enemies down low
I could say them words real slow
I can probably love you all tonight
I might be brave enough
I am not as good as I once was
but I am evil when the going gets tough."
I am caught somewhere between blushing and screaming in abject betrayal.
There is applause.
Ismie, not you too.
Me: "I still hang out at this bar with my pal Ismie.
I've known her since we turned me into a from last summer.
Little did I know that it would be such a bummer."
Ismie: "Last night we had a few drinks,
got into a fight based on matrimonial demands!
Me:"Then things just got way out of hand!
Ismie: "I just had a great idea!"
Me: "Is this part of the song?"
Ismie: "I'm not as good as I once was,
but I can still spin a spell or two,
I'm sorry about the whole frog thing,
besides, that wasn't me, it was Witch Matilda Bleu!"
Me: "I'm listening, tell me true!"
Ismie: "Do you trust me, Charlie?"
Me: "Are we still singing?"
Ismie: "We can if you still want to."
Me: "The Crowd is getting ugly."
Ismie: "Hang on, I've got it all well in hand."
Me: "Could we just leave it to the backup band?"
Ismie: "Well, I am not as evil as I once was,
I could have toasted this place,
I would have roasted that guy's face!
My how the years have flown
done it all in a silken ballroom gown,
I could really hold my own!
But if they really want a song tonight
they aren't getting it without a barroom
fight.
Now quick as a cat let's get out of sight!"
and then we turned invisible.
All hell broke loose, chairs are flying, table smashing. At one point Anne, the cute waitress comes by wailing away at Sproggsgutt with a frying pan. shards of ceramic gnome are flying in all directions. There are elves fighting orcs, there are dwarves fighting elves, there are orcs fighting each other.
Ismie is sitting in her chair next to me laughing into her hands trying and succeeding at not making a noise. I am ducking around next to her as the chaos continues.
"When did all these people show up?"
Ismie considers for a long moment.
"I think it was in the middle of the second verse.
Then Duke Ivan's men charge in and arrest everyone in sight.
We remain invisible.
After they all are gone, we reappear.
"Well, that went well, don't you think?"
"I dunno...."
Ismie pats me on the arm.
"Let's go turn ourselves into the Duke Ivan the Horrendous."
"Horrible."
"I know it's horrible, I was just being facetious," Ismie says.
"I know, I just think that's a horrible idea."
"You worry too much."
"It's because I am not a witch, I guess."
"True but we can fix that."
Ismie smiles at me so sweetly that I get chills.
"I like the other version better," the barkeep says as we walk out into the night.
"What version is tha-" Sprogsgutt asks as the door swings shut.
"You know it's good to be a witch," Ismie says taking my arm.
I am afraid to ask.
"You shouldn't be afraid, my lovey."
Well, I am.
"I am going to take such good care of you."
Help!
Ismie laughs as we walk into the moonrise.
"Charlie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
Roll Curtain.
"We are just going to the jailhouse, right?"
"Oh, we will get there eventually.
