In the Jailhouse Now...

"I had a friend named Raidin' Rob
Who used to be a gregarious slob
He thought he was the toughest guy around
Well I found out last night
That Rob got into another fight
Now he's in the Duke's jail downtown."

"By the tears of Bertha! Would someone knock this idiot out?"

I am not the one singing. That's Jane. She's in jail.
I know, surprising, one would have never guessed she had it in her to laugh at the judge and call him a pencil pushing buerocrat rat.

"I went out last Tuesday I met a girl named Lulumay
I said I was the swellest guy around
We started to spendin' my money
And she started to call me honey
We took in every cabaret in town
We're in the jailhouse now-"

"Would somebody shut her up! Please!"

I can say this for my Jane. She sure can sing.

Turns out that the Parasite Inn belongs to a certain Duke named Ivan the Horrendous.
Duke Ivan the Horrifying has a Jail as well as an Inn. 
Duke Ivan the Hospitable is making money hand over fist on bail and fines to get out of his jail. 
Duke Ivan is 16. He's a petulant teenager.
How does this kind of thing happen?

"We're in the jailhouse now
Well I told that Duke right to his face
I don't like to see this place
We're in the jailhouse now."

"For the love of Stovelkor! Shut up!"

That's Grimm who probably has a hangover.

Duke Ivan has no sense of humor.

Duke Ivan has a small army of thugs- I mean gaurds who make regular rounds at the Parasite Inn to collect drunks and brawlers as they stumble out of the bar in the morning. This morning they collected Alex, Wilks, Luke, Grimm, Max, Jane, Metasprocket, Prince Charmin, his men, 6 orcs, 4 gnolls, 5 goblins, 2 elves and a troll.

You might ask where I was at the point of the arrest?

I was bravely shielding the waitress in the lady's rooms in the back.

"You were hiding in the stall telling Anne to be quiet."

Oh, I forgot, the bartender is there as well.

"Dobby like to play poker, pinochle, whist, and euchre

But shooting dice was his favorite game

Well he got throw'd in jail, with nobody to go his bail

The Duke done said that he refused a fine

He's in the jailhouse now he's in the jailhouse now."

"If someone doesn't shut her piehole I am gonna kill her!"

I kept Anne out of Jail. You can guess what comes next?

Bail.

Yep, I got to bail all these idiots out.

Which is great, save that I have no money.

Anne has 5 gold in tips.

The Bartender whose name I forget.

"It's Frank."

Whose name I want to forget.

"Dammit, that's not funny"

Won't lend me the money.

"Stop it."

"Well I told him once or twice 

stop playin' cards and shootin' dice
He's in the jailhouse now-

He's in the jailhou-mmmpf."

Max has just kissed Jane.

I might have to kill them both.

"Excuse, my lady- I mean your highness - uh I mean..."

Well look who's talking to me now, it's mister Prince Charming! The guy who totally didn't rescue us. He's in the Jailhouse now.

"They know that already, you mentioned me two verses ago."

Dammit.

"What do you want?"

"Well, I can't help but notice that you might be needing some cash." 

"I'm listening Prince Charming."

"My name is Prince Petrius the third."

"Maybe if you'd stop to introduce yourself wither time we met so far, I would have known that."

"My apologies, uh-" Prince Petrified stumbles to find some honorific to call me.

"Petrius!" He huffs.

"I most certainly do not huff!"

"Your grace?" The Man-at-Arms interjects.

"Yes?" Prince Petrius turns to look at his Man-at-Arms. "What is it Sargent?"

"If I may be so bold, I would suggest calling her Prince Charlie." 

Petrius looks from the Sargent to me incredously.

"But she is a woman, there's no way she's a legitimate Prince." He squints at me, "Aren't you a princess."

"Ahem."

"What is it Sargent?"

"If I may be so bold sir. She's King Devon's only son- I mean that's what the good King Devon calls her anyway." The Sargent looks embarrassed.

"Well that would explain the confusion." Prince Petrified replies. "Hey, it's Petrius!"

"Not anymore." I say. Prince Petty Pants huffs.

"That's just mean," he glowers at me through the bars.

"Please Ma'am," The Sargent asks. "You must forgive his highness, he actually hates his name."

"I do not." Prince Petty Pants retorts.

"He would really like to be called Hal instead."

"That name's already taken by Prince Hal." I say. I know Prince Hal.

"Prince Hal isn't really his name." The Sargent says. "His real name is Norbert."

"How do you know that?" I ask. 

"I have worked as a Master-at-Arms for several kingdoms over the last few years."

"Why so many?" I ask, although I suspect I already know.

"Tempermental fathers."

"Ah."

"MMMMPF!" 

Max is STILL KISSING JANE.

"Okay, where is this money!" I yell trying not to punch the gaurd so I can get thrown in jail to strangle Max.

"No need to yell." Prince Wannabe Hal says.

I reach through the bars, grab him by the shirt and slam him into the bars.

"I am not yelling!" I yell.

"Help?" He cries.

One of the Jail gaurds comes over, looks at me, then shrugs.

"Cut that out." he says. "We will get around to roughing him up later."

"Well?" I yell.

"it's in a cave by the sea, guarded by a troll and his wife!" Prince Hal Wannabe squeaks.

I look at the troll. I look at Prince Petrius. I laugh. He looks back at me. I let him go.

"What's so funny?" he asks after a moment to straighten his shirt.

"The troll is in jail with you." I say. This is going to be a cake walk.

"That's his wife, you dolt." Prince I am never letting him out of jail says. "haven't you ever seen a troll female before?"

"No." I say peering at the Troll.

The troll glares back at me.

"You racist sexist pig!" the Troll wife says and spits. the spit hits Prince Not Hal in the back of the head.

Sploosh.

There's a lot of spit.

Prince Not Hal's hand grabs the back of his soaking head and comes away with the slime. He faints immediately.

It is very disgusting.

"Hey, I thought trolls turned to stone in daylight." I muse.

"If I may be so bold?" The Sargent says. I nod. "Only male trolls get stoned in daylight, not the females."

"Oh." I say. well I will just go into the cave during the day....no, wait a minute.

"What do you mean get stoned?"

"Ah, sorry," the sargent says. "Sunlight makes the trolls high."

"As in, like drunk?" I ask.

"Ah yes, I guess you could say that."

"This is Fuking great." I say.

"Good luck?" The sargent says. he does not look hopeful that I will return alive.

"The Duke done said that he refused a fine
you're just gonna have to beg and whine
I told him once or twice stop telling lies or you're gonna get iced
He's in the jailhouse now-"

An elf runs up and hands me a note.

I read it.

Dear sir or madam: stop using our song.

yours: the Soggy Bottom Boys.

credit: the Soggy Bottom Boys who hopefully have a good sense of humor about this kind of thing.

Once upon a web site

I have neglected Charlie and Max and Jane.
I am sorry.
I have been having web site/hosting issues.
I am curious whether I want Charlie to end up with Max or Jane
(which is kind of insane)
No, Grimm is going to be okay.
I can't really make any promises about Alex, Wilks and Luke, tho'.
Also, should I get a horse named Pretorius in the story
and a Chameleon named Flo?
too many decisions.
anyways, Charlie says hello from prison (I mean no prison- not going to spoil the next chapter)

What Really happened at the Parasite Inn..the rest of the story

"Have you ever heard of Pol Harvey?"
Ralph the Somewhat Stupendous asked me this when I was twelve.
I said yes- who had not heard of Pol Harvey, I had no idea who he was but I was eager to impress Ralph, because I wanted to learn magic and I figured impressing Ralph was a good way to start.
"Pol Harvey was the greatest salesman the world had ever known." Ralph said and chucked me under the chin, it was his way of telling me to give up lying as I was really bad at it.
What did he sell? I asked
"Endorsements."
What is an endorsement? I asked.
"It is a master stroke of genius."
Do you sell endorsements? I asked because it sounded like magic. Maybe I could learn to sell endorsements.
"Nope." Ralph said waggling his eyebrows at me, you can see why, at twelve, I wanted to learn from Ralph, he could do such awesome things.
"Pol Harvey would say a thing like a filter or heater was good and because everyone knew that he was the most honest and thorough person on the radio- they would immediately buy whatever he was endorsing."
Why was he considered honest and thorough if all he was selling was a fillet and seat? I asked.
Ralph laughed a lot at this. I grinned because Ralph laughed at all my jokes...no, wait- I think I have a sudden clarity now. Should I get back to Stonehaven, Ralph and I are going to have long talk about certain things...
Where was I?
"You were going to explain to me-"  Max remarked from where he was hanging from the candlelabra in the rafters. He looks really upset, but it might be the mashed potatoes smeared on his face. "what the rest of the story- oh no, no, no, no, noooo!" there a sound of metal screaming as the links in the chains come apart as Max desperately tries to keep them together but to no avail and down he goes back into the fray.
The Parasite Inn is a full out melee, flying arms, legs, hair, beer, beer steins, cups and curses. I crawl through the chaos of legs and boots and sandals and pumps. I find Max at the bottom of a jumble of wax and wood.
"As I was saying..." I began.
Max looks very cute in his upside down gape of disbelief that I would just resume a conversation in an all out brawl.
"Pol Harvey was actually a journalist who would report on a story about something and then he'd stop after telling the known part of his story, then he would do his endorsement and then after the endorsement was over, he would say 'and now for the Rest of the Story.'
And?
"And then Pol Harvey would tell all about what was really going on in the story, in brilliant detail so that his listeners would come away with opened minds knowing that they now held all the real details about whatever Pol Harvey was telling.."
Ralph stops, raises an eyebrow and-
They would buy whatever Pol Harvey had endorsed because all of it must be the truth. I said, clapping my hands.
Ralph smiled, the proud teacher. Good times...

"And what do that have to do with our situation?!" Max screams at me.
"Nothing, except I thought it was a good lead-in to the rest of the bar fight." I say, very pleased with myself.
"Your nuts!" Max yells as he jumps to his feet and runs for the door. He doesn't make more than three steps before he is body tackled by a drunk elf.
I shrug and scamper on my hands and knees around a sturdy table to find the ogre crouching behind it.
"Does this happen to you a lot?" he asks.
"No, I figured this was your thing." I respond joining him.
We both hazard a peek over the rim, the scene is not pretty. The orcs have the upper hands as Octo-woman and her thugs are entangled with them, one of the orcs is pulling on Octo-womans hair, she is snarling and wrenching his or her loincloth up at a steep angle. I wince, the ogre winces, her thugs and the orcs are locked in a choking contest and each of them are various shades of gag. Grimm is hacking away with his axe on the shoulder of the troll- no scratch that, Grimm is hammering on the troll's should with the broken haft of his axe, the blade is missing. Metalsprocket is nowhere to be seen- the ogre points to a pair of stubby feet stick out of a cauldron in the fireplace, we hear him screaming incoherently as the Goblins are trying to get the fire relit. A gnome runs by chased by a short man with a pegleg screaming "eggs and bacon" while the drunk elf continues to try to kiss Max on top of the bar. A frying pan hits the elf in the head and he collapses on Max. I look around to see where the frying pan came from and see Jane's bare feet are dangling from one of the rafters. She's up there with a serving girl, I hadn't noticed before.
I sit back down, the ogre ducks down suddenly.
"Trouble."
"Gnolls." He says.
"Ah." a crossbow bolt punches through the wall above us. we both look up at it.
"I liked that whole -rest of the story bit." The ogre muses.
"Thanks." I say as another bolt punches through the wall.
"I should have gone into sales." the ogre remarks.
"I thought ogres ate people."
"That would be trolls." the ogre says, we both laugh. Everyone knows ogres hate people but think they taste awful.
The front door slams open, footsteps race across the floor, there's a crunch and then silence.
"Where is my husband?!" A woman yells. A big woman.
"How do you know she's big?" the ogre asks.
She sounds big.
"Aw crap, nice to meet you all, got to go." the ogre adds.
"Shreeeee-" The ogre pops up.
"Hi- Honeybuns!" he says.
"Don't you Honeybuns me!" She yells.
I turn around and peek over.
There is an ogress stands in the door, replete with cudgel-
"It's a rolling pin!" the ogre says.
Oh, my bad.
"Who is that woman!"
I look at the ogre, he shrugs.
"Just met her, my sweets." He says, "Is that a warhorse?"
"Don't you try to distract me! You great cretinous oaf!" the ogress yells. "You've got a lot of-"
A white warhorse charges into her and they go down into a jumble of limbs and hooves and orcs and seafood.
A rather familiar knight picks himself up from the floor.
Jane claps her hands.
It's Prince Charming, the twit who didn't want to get involved in rescuing us.
I wave.
He stares at me, then the dragon head which is still next to the door (a bit trampled on) and then at the fray.
The ogre jumps headfirst out the window. The ogress punches the warhorse out cold, the warhorse
collapse on Alex who was attempting to make for the door again.
Prince Charming turns and waves behind him, his man-at-arms trots up, the prince gestures at the mess therein. The man-at-arms apologizes and calls for backup. 10 soldiers charge into the room. They are tackled by 12 drunken elven women who appear out of nowhere (I just made that up).
They stop as the gnolls turn on them with crossbows and dive for cover.
"Sound the Retreat!" the Man-at-arms shouts, then is kicked between the legs by the troll, he cries out "Oh Mama" before falling face forward into the goblins who have just got a fire lit. Now there is burning goblins and panic.
Prince Charming turns to go.
"Hey Pumpernickel!" someone yells.
He stops and turns back, his eyes aflame with sudden fury.
A flagon of wine hits him in the chest as he tries to block and scream. The troll turns around and clocks the Prince with Grimm who is the one (as it turned out later) who threw the flagon of wine.
Then the troll turns into a frog. I turn to find one of the witches standing next to me.
"All I wanted was one lousy drink." she says.
I gulp.
"Tell Ralph to call me." she says and chucks me under the chin.

I swear, this is what happened.

also I am going to kill Ralph.

What Really happened at the Parasite Inn...well mostly

The troll sat down at the table.

"I am an Ogre."

What?

"O-G-R-E."

Oh, right. So the Ogre sat down at our table, taking the chair left for Grimm.

Alright. Now where was I?

"No singing." The Ogre says.

No singing. The narrator hangs his head in defeat.

"Is she going to catch up?" The Ogre asks.

What?

"I sat down and tossed that idiot guard of yours into the wall and-"

Fine. Everyone's a critic.

"So are trolls." The Ogre says.

I hate Ogres.

"So, why are you sitting here?" Max asks.

"Cuz' you guys are more interesting than the Orcs. bound to be more talkative than those witches and less chatty than the goblins."

"Did you say witches?" I ask glancing around.

"And you got a Dragon's head." the Ogre continues pretending not to hear me.

" I did hear you, but we need to build plot."

"Tension, you build tension to add enhance the plot."

"Close enough."

"What are you two going on about?" Jane says.

"Nevermind." The Ogre and I both says and take a drink.

"So, I got a proposition for you guys." The Ogre says.

"I'm listening." I say.

"This is a bad idea." Max says.

"What is a bad idea?" The Ogre says.

"Listening to ogres." Max says and gives me a meaningful look before glancing at the door.

"No." I say.

Max sulks.

"I like the prince already." the Ogre says. "Why do you keep calling me the Ogre?"

What?

"The Ogre?'

"I don't know your name and-"

"You know there are other ogres, right?"

"You mean like your wif-" Max starts.

"Nevermind, here's my proposal." the ogre says. (he grins at me) "Better."

The ogre-who shall not be named for copywrite reasons (that's what Ralph says)- leans towards me and hunches over. It is amazing how low and near to the table top he can hunch.
"Focus" the ogre says.
"Sorry."
"Now, what I need you to do for me is-"
"Now what's this?" Grimm's face appears between us. I lean back since Grimm smells really bad right now. (NO, dwarves never smell that bad. No I am not being racist against dwarves.)
I see Grimm has Metasprocket in the crook of his left arm. The gnome looks a bit blue.

"Go away- Dwarf." the ogre says.

"Fuke you, Greenie!" Grimm says as he winds up and for a moment, I am sure he's going to hit max, but he hits Metasprocket on the head, popping him out of his arm "whacka mole" style, sending the gnome reeling across the bar to crash down on top of Luke who is still sprawled in the corner by the fire.

"Go away, Dwarf." the ogre growls.

"I will not and you canna make me." Grimm announces before planting his fists on his hips.

The ogre rolls his eyes, cusses under his breath (it's definitely a curse), then punches Grimm right in his grinning face with one green meaty fist. Grimm's eyes roll up as well and he goes down like a tree.

"Now where was I?" The ogre says cracking his knuckles.

"You had some cockamanny plan." Max says.

"Oh right, the proposal." the ogre grins at him. "I need you to go to Ashdown Moor and bring me a Dumb Ass."

"Excuse me?" I say.
"What's a Dumbass?" Jane asks almost at the same time.

"Ladies." the ogre says. "I would go myself but he's not talking to me and I have other problems."

"What's a Dumbass?" Jane asks again.

"I think he is saying a Dumb Ass?" Max says.

"Is there a difference?" Jane asks Max, who shrugs, they both look at the ogre who is face-palming.

With a heavy sigh, the ogre holds up his finger at Max.

"Well for one thing-" there's a whoosh as Grimm's axe flies up into the corner of my eye and down towards the ogre, there's a crunch noise and Grimm comes into holding onto the haft of his axe.

"Ow!" the ogre exclaims.

"Gotye!" Grimm announces pulling on his axe.

The ogre shakes his finger, there's a pretty large splinter stuck in it.

"That looks painful." I say.

"If that's all Grimms axe did." Max says "Then what did he hit with the axe?"

The table shakes, then tips and all our drink slide down towards Grimm's face.

"Oh crap." Grimm says as a flagon of beer hits him in the forehead following by 3 cups of grog, one glass of wine, a loaf of bread, the bread board, and a dirty spoon. Grimm goes back down.

We all sit there looking at Grimm on the floor, the tilted table, and the ogre who is staring at the splinter in his finger.

Then the ogre roars. Grabs the table and hurls it across the room into a pack of orcs.

He looks over at the remains of the table, pulls the splinter out, and says.

"oops."

We look at the Orcs (they are big orcs too, they are all wearing black leather jackets with chains).
We look at each other.
We look at the ogre.

"He's not with us." Max says "We-"
Then he's catches a plate of food in the face.
Jane yells as she dodges the remains of the food, Alex screams like a girl and makes for the door.
The door burst open and admits the octopus woman who has several thugs with her.

"That's them." She announces and points right at me.

"I think a song and dance would have been better!" I yell before I charge across the room and jump the bar.

What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn part duex (and you say deux with an oomph!)

The Ogre turns to Alex.

"Pardon me." He says as he displays his teeth. Pretty nice dentistry. "Do you have an axe."

"Uhhhhh." Alex says in his suave yet contemplative manner. "I'll get one." then he scrambles away.

"Why do you need an axe?" Max asks.

"Well, Eugene- I can call you Eugene, right." The Ogre says.

"No," Max retorts.

"Well, Eugene, since you asked and have not spent much time around shady bars like this one." With this, the Ogre flourishes his arms out in a wide arc to the rest of the bar. "I'll tell you."

Silence, Max stares- I mean glares at the Ogre.

"I need the axe to start the music."

"Aha!" Max yells and jumps to his feet. "You're the Barbarian with the hook hand who plays piano!"

The Ogre looks puzzled.

Max slumps back into his stool, drops his head to the table. "Nevermind, wrong fairy tale."

Alex returns dragging a double bladed two-handed battle axe with a chipped right blade.

"Will this do sir Ogre?"

The Ogre studies it for a moment before reaching out and then flicking it out with a quick snap.
We all watch it sail through the air across the bar to bury itself in the far wall right about a unhappy, way too sober minstrel who screams and grabs his ukelele (no I have no idea what a ukelele is but I like saying it though) and commences strumming it madly.

The Ogre looks at me as I jump up on the table and definitely do not sing:

or

So what was the first song that came to mind to sing?
Why that merry old tune
As Good as the Prince Is.
Everyone loves that one!

"No they don't."

Well they will now.
(what follows is the song...mostly)

Me: "She said, I've seen you in here before."
The Ogre jumps up
The Ogre: "I've been in here a time or three!"
He bows low.

Me: "She said, "Hello my name is Princess Trinity.
meet my sisters Joela and Bethany.
We're all feeling kind of bored tonight
and you're the only knight in this place
if you're up for a rescue, then we can put a big
fairy tale reward on your face!"

The Ogre: "Ladies.
I am not as good as I once was,
I have several years on me now
not long ago I was in my prime
I could swing my sword, it was sublime!"

The Ogre plucks me off the table and acts as if to kiss me.
Max jumps up to stop this and the ogre trips him with his other foot.
Max eeps as he hits the floor.

The Ogre:"I could put my enemies down low
I could say them words real slow
I can probably love you all tonight
I might be brave enough
I am not as good as I once was
but I am evil when the going gets tough."

That wasn't so bad. right?
"No."
Aw Jane, not you too.

Me: "I still hang out at this bar with my gal Jane.
I've known her since we were trapped in that dungeon
last week."

Jane opens her mouth, I put my finger on her lips.

Me: "Don't speak."
Jane bite my finger.

Me: "Ow, Last night she had a few drinks,
got into a tight spot with two goblins over
a game of dice, I thinks.
Then one grumpy dwarf wades in and I hear
Jane say: "Hey Prince can you lend me a hand!"

"Well that part was accurate anyway."

Wait, what.
Me: "I said, "Jane,
I am not as good as I once was
My how the years have flown by
now hang on and don't cry!
I could really hold my own!
But if they want I a fight tonight
I will drag those goblins through it
I am not as good as I once was
but I can sweep the floor with those
goblins, dwarf and um a dragon?"

Yep, there is some guy who's got Jane in a vice grip
and it's not Max.

The Ogre laughs; "Here have a flagon!"

Me:" I used to be heck on wheels
Back when I was younger Prince"

Ogre: "Not much has happened since!"

Me: "I am not as brave as I once was.
That is just the hard cold truth."

Suddenly the bar is a flurry of arms and hands as a fight breaks out.

"Actually it's been going on since the ogre started singing!"

Me: I can still trhow a good punch, talk the talk
when I am feeling arrow proof!
so you should cross right now
cause I am going to call your bluff
I am not as good as I once was
but I bet I am good enough!"

This is when I catch a mug of brew with my face and everything goes dark.

I awaken as someone dumps a bucket of water on my face.
It's the Ogre.
"Nice song princess."

Then the door bursts open and we hear.

"Shreeeee-"
The Ogre interrupts.
"Gotta go."

"It was a good song" I say to the ceiling which has a few goblins in the rafters.
"Nope." Max says, "it was awful and your dancing stinks."
"Hater's are going to hate." I say.
A gnome looks down at me and says.
"Toby Keith sent you a message."
"Read it?" I say and wave at the goblins. (they give me a rude hand gesture.)
"It reads as thus: Hey, stop pirating my music."
"Oh." I say.
"Response?" the gnome asks.
"So sorry. won't happen again." I say.

"Who's Toby Keith?" Jane asks.
She's also in the rafters.
I miss the best stuff.







"That is not what happened." Max says.

"Okay, but mine was better."

What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn

Well, we finally reached the Parasite Inn.
We actually didn't know it was called the Parasite Inn before we were standing outside it looking up at the sign.
We knew that something weird was going on because it was one of three buildings that made up the rest stop on the Coventry road out of the Dragon Wastes.
Also, we suspected that the rest of my entourage was here because there isn't another inn or bar or house in a hundred days march anywhere around here and we had found no remains that looked like them as we trudged along the road.
Also, we had discussed meeting up at an inn - okay, that's not true, Grimm said that he and Alex had discussed meeting up at an inn- in case we got separated.
The rest stop consisted of the Inn, a stable and an outhouse.
Talk about luxury. At least, there was any funny smells or dead bodies in sight, that's good, right?

"The Parasite Inn"  Max read for all of us as we stood at the door looking at the weather beaten plank upon which the name had been carefully painted.
"Lovely name. " Jane said.
"Get out of the way." Grimm said "I'm going in."
No one moved.
I blinked and looked around knowing that everyone was looking at me.
"Oh, right, because I am suddenly in charge." I breathed and looked at the sign again.
"Just make a decision." Max said.
"Fine, we will go in." So Max sweeps open the door for us and Grimm drops the dragon's hard by the door and stomps in licking his lips.
I look at the dragon's head.
"Who's going to steal it?" Jane says.
We look around.
whistling noise followed by a why ya ya sound.
This is a weird town.
I shrug and we go in.
At first glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap peeling paint and a ramshackle bar of tied together wood with what looks like twine.
It's actually hair, not twine.
At second glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap patrons swilling something that smells like unwashed longshore men and desperation. The furniture is more the left overs of a dozen ruined castles, including converted doors for tables and logs for stools. The bar is bound wood with dragon hair twine and the patrons number exactly seven.
I blink.
At a table in the center of the room sits Alex the Palace Guard, unshaven, unwashed guzzling a mug of swill, while Wilks has his head buried in his hands clutching what little is left of his hair and Luke who is midsip staring at us while his grog runs down his chin and onto the table.
There is also a gnome who looks kind of like Metta Sprocket but with more loose wires and a thing with it's "arms" wrapped around Luke like an octopus. The barkeep is a Goblin with one eye and one tooth.
And then there is a Ogre asleep at the bar.

"Hi Guys!" I say as I sit down and glance at the octowoman wrapped around Luke.
She glares at me and then at Jane and then Max and starts to unwind around Luke.

"I, uh...yeah. I will get us a drink!" Max says with a shudder at this creature who licks her slimy lips at him and he skedaddles off to the bar.
Jane and I sit down across from Alex.

"Alex this is Princess Jane, my future consort. Jane, this is the cowardly captain of the guard who left me to die at the hands...I mean claws of two blood thirsty dragons." I say this as sweetly as possible.

Alex, to his credit snaps his mouth shut, winces then blanches a dark shade of red, opens his mouth again to speak then shivers and snaps it shut almost as hard as the first time. I imagine his teeth cracking. I feel better.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Captain Coward." Jane says as she slips under my arm and into a chair next to me. We "cuddle" as Alex squirms.

Wilks looks up suddenly and squeaks, rubs his eyes and squeaks again. He is wasted.

Grimm dumps the dragon's head in the corner next to the octowoman and Luke. the octowoman looks down at the dragon head and screams in a ear splitting glass shattering wail, completely unravels herself from Luke and scrambles-
"Slithers" Jane interjects.
-away across the bar and out the back door. The rest of the bar goes silent and I become acutely aware that there is a lot of people in the bar that I did not notice before. It's one of those Tangled moments.

"What did I miss?" Max asks, returning with three cups of something.
"Grimm making his usual first impression." I say.
"Slithergirl's hastey retreat." Jane adds.
Max looks down at us. We make a space for him, he grabs a stool and sits down between Jane and me. Jane sighs, takes a cup and sips at it, coughs, grimaces, and slugs back the whole cup, then burps.

"That good?" I say.
"Tastes better than that crap that blew up the castle." Jane says.
Max eyes his.
"Garlfether said it was wine- the best he had." Max says gesturing at the Goblin barkeep.
"You mean he can talk?" I say. "I mean he only has one tooth."
Max sighs and slugs back his then spits it out in a stream of spew all over Luke- who is sitting opposite him.
"Luke, this is my boyfriend, Max. Max, this is the cowardly loser Luke, who left me to die at the claws of two vicious fire breathing dragons."
Luke stops halfway to his feet, wide eyed, rubs his face with the back of his hand and then holds it out to Max.
Max ignores it.
"Let me buy you a drink." Max hops up and heads for the bar.
Luke looks sick, then sits down and hangs his head.
"You're alive." Alex finally says.
"No thanks to you." I reply.
"Whoz alife?" Wilks asks.
"The Prince is." Alex says.
"Therz a Prince?" Wilks says.
"No, the Prince....our Prince." Alex says.
"Our Prinz" Wilks responds. "That means we're dead, right?"
"No- I mean maybe." Alex shoots me a look.

"Who's a Prince?" The Ogre says.

Luke screams (like a girl....or a scared pig or both although it would be insulting to the pig and girl, I suspect).

"I am." I say.

"But your a girl." The Ogre says.

"It's a long story." I reply.

"Sure, it's always a long story, unless you're Prince Charmin." the Ogre says as he flicks Luke out of his chair (into a wall where Luke loses his ability to capitulate and passes out in a dead faint).

"Mind if I sit down." the Ogre says sitting down.

"Yes." Jane says. "But when do you ever listen to anyone anyway."

The ogre looks at her for a time, then smiles a big toothy grin.

"You Princesses are a lot alike, you know?"

"Thanks?" Jane says.

"Yer welcome." the Ogre says and gives me a wink.

Max returns and looks at the Ogre for a long time.

The Ogre looks over at Max as well.

"I know you from somewhere." Max says.

"I was at the bar." the Ogre replies.

"No, I know you are from Far-"

"Let me stop you right there." the Ogre says. "let's all be friends, instead."

Max sits down back in his stool, looks across at the ogre, then swaps seats with Jane.

The Ogre laughs.

I notice that Grimm and the Gnome are currently in a hair pulling contest. Yep, it's Metasprocket minus an arm and some hair. He looks as angry as gnomes can manage to look angry. Dwarves always look angry so who knows if Grimm is angry or smiling or crying.

The Ogre looks at the two and shrugs.

"Nice Dragon head." he says after a moment. "which one of you killed it?"

I take a moment considering what I know about Ogres, what I suspect about this Ogre and his history with donkeys and dragons.

"An exploding castle killed him."

The Ogre looks at me for a moment and bursts out laughing.
We all laugh, although half of us probably do it out of fear.

"You know what we need?" I hear myself say.

"What's that?" Max says.

"A song and dance." I say.

"That is not what happened."

What?

"That didn't happen." Max says.

"It will be better than what did happen." Jane says.

Who's fairy tale is this?

Silence.

That's what I thought.

"What we need is a song." The Ogre said suddenly.

"And some bad dancing." I responded.

"No dancing." Max says.

"Aw come on Max." I say.

"Dammit, stop looking at me like that.....fine some dancing."

I almost clap my hands.

It's kind of what actually happened, the disney version anyway.

Fun times when walking home....No, it wasn't fun.

Let me say that I hate walking.
Also I did not feel like talking about it hence the 60 day- give or take absence of posts.
Yes, I am aware that my fairy tale might bore you or you got sick of waiting for the next embarrassing or degrading moment of my life that I would share with you for almost 8 weeks and after 4 days, you got sick of waiting and went back to watching reruns of Once upon a Time (as if) or Dancing with the Ogres...I mean stars.
But you weren't there.
Really there isn't much to talk about.
Except for this one conversation 3 days in.
Max, who has been strolling along as if nothing is wrong, stops suddenly- causing Grimm to run into his behind since Grimm has spent the last 3 days grumbling about having to drag the Dragon's head,
"Oww!" Max.
"Crimeny, can't you just get out of my frikkin way you arse!" Grimm.
"Watch where you're going Dwarf!" Max says spinning on Grimm.
"Make me HUMAN!" Growls Grimm.
"Are you going to write that down?" Max asks.
"What?" Me.
"I assume that you are writing all this down in that magic book you seem to carry everywhere." Max points at my magic book.
"No-ooo." Me, ever prolific.
Yes, you had to wonder how I managed to keep up with everything as it was happening. Go back and check, when I am indisposed I don't write- like when I was a frog, for instance....actually don't go back and look - it's just too humiliating.
"Give that back." I say because Max has snatched my magic book, Jane rushes over to read as well. They both act shocked. Yes, shocked and I know they are acting because-
"Can't read a thing, it's in some kind of weird code." Max says.
Jane sighs, takes the book from Max and hands it back to me.
"Wait." Max says, "I have been able to read it, earlier as you were writing it."
"It's only encrypted when I don't hold it." I say then realized that this wasn't the best course of action.
Immediately Jane and Max surround me on both sides and try to get me to reopen the magic book which I have clamped shut.
"Be a good sport." Jane says.
"Come on Charlie, I will do that thing that you like if you give me a peek." Max says.
"I'll comb your hair."
"I'll massage your feet."
"I'll let your wear the pink dress."
"I'll let you carry my sword."
"That's my sword."
"Technicalities."
"I will let you kiss me."
Max and I stare agape at Jane.
"I figured I would give it a try." Jane says.
"I- um, " I strategically nose my boot in the sand.
Fine, I admit it, I have thought about it. Jane is just so much a woman whereas I am not.
Besides I've caught Ralph singing a song about a girl kissing girls and he thought it was cool.
Yes, that's my entire defense.
"I can kiss way better than Jane." Max says and pecks me on the cheek.
I almost drop the magic book.
My toes curl in my boots.
I get hot and bothered at the same time- well my mother describes the giddy burning sensation like that.
Jane, not to be outdone, sweeps me into an embrace and plants one on me.
If I have to explain this to you readers, then I probably will have to explain rule 36...or was it rule 63...rule 34? Note to self: ask Ralph which rule it is.
No, I don't even know what rule 1 is when it comes to this stuff.
Max lunges for the two of us and we end up in a fray or a melee of tangled limbs in the dirt. I won't lie and say it wasn't fun.
It was, the wrestling, dodging flying kisses bit.
The mouthful of Jane's hair and the nose full of dust, not so much.
Yep, this is my romantic life, two attractive people vying for my attention and all I get is a mouthful of dirt hair.
"Are you 3 finished?" Grimm glares down at us, which isn't saying much as he barely tops 4 feet.
"Maybe." Max says.
"What I wouldn't give for a bag of holding." Grimm says before he arches his back and plops down on top of the dragon's head which proves to be a bad idea.
Dragons have horns and spikes, lots of them.
Grimm cusses.
"You mean like this bag of holding?" I hold mine up.
Yep, I am the queen of convenient plot devices.
It's my Fairy Tale and I will be that obvious if I want to.
Grimm stares at my bag, licks his lips then goes back to cussing.
and that was it.
The good news is it only took 30 days of walking to find the inn and my entourage (drunk as skunks).
The bad news is I was lying about having a bag of holding.
Grimm was not amused, but I was - for 3 minutes before he punched me.
Dwarves, so violent and short tempered.