The Trouble with Witches

We look for a nice table in the Parasite Inn.
Rather, the patrons spot Ismie (I mean she does stand out) and scatter in a semi-fluid not really constrained manner abandoning most of the tables in the room, just in case, she chooses the one where they were sitting. Ismie watches this with some amusement.
"Is this normal?" I ask.
"Yup," Ismie says. "Ever since I first said I was a witch, most everyone who has heard it scatters as if I am a loose wand shooting spells all willy nilly."
"Ah."
Ismie walks through the abandoned tables, ignoring them until she reaches an empty corner.  We pause in the alcove.
Ismie whips out her wand.
The room goes into panic mode as the patrons flee in all directions, out windows, under tables, over the bar, up the stairs, into the ladies room.
"Dinerosa," Ismie whispers and with a pop a nice table and two chairs appears in the alcove. The table has a tablecloth with blue stars on a black backdrop, white china and slim wine glasses, utensils made of white pearl and pepper and salt shakers made to look like gnomes.
"Have a seat," Ismie says as she slides into the other one, she snaps her fingers in the air.
I sit down opposite her, my back to the wall, she is against the other wall and the Inn is to my left. I am struck again by her beauty.
"Thanks, that's really nice of you to keep saying that," Ismie says.
I blush and feel my heart do tiny flip flops.
"It happens. I like being with you too, I mean you are a sweet kid, a lot like your dad....I mean-" Ismie says, looks guiltily at her hands before whispering "whoops."
I gawk at her caught between fear, surprise and a certain dread that I know what she just really said.
"Any chance we could just forget I said that?" She ventures.
"You hate my father," I say, but I already know something is wrong with the statement.
"I don't hate Devin. He's an idiot, for sure, I might dislike him for the way he goes on with your mother, Saran," Ismie takes a deep breath, snaps her fingers again, looks across the bar, wave her wand. The wine arrives in 2 counts and is poured and the waitress disappears as fast as she appeared.
"Devin, I mean dad, is not my real father....the gnome Sprogsgu- was telling the truth," I say slowly.
Ismie gulps down the wine makes a face, taps the glass with her wand twice before tossing back the whole glass. She looks a bit sick and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry Charlie. I guess I may be as bad as Sprogsgutton when it comes to confidences."
"Wait that Gnome's name is Sprogsgutton?"
"Finally!" The gnome practically screams it from under the table.
We both look under the table to find Sprogsgutton there with both hands clamped over his mouth.
Sprogsgutton nods, still holding his hands over his mouth and scampers for the door, his new weasel tail swishing behind him.
I feel sick. I take a sip of the wine.
Ismie puts her hand on mine. It is oddly comforting. I should be angry.
"It's good that you aren't," Ismie says. "I mean you probably would have figured it out eventually."
"Is Queen Sam-" I choke on a sudden rush of fear.
"She is," Ismie says squeezing my hand, I feel better.
"Then..... Devin isn't- I mean that means Ralph is my-"
"Well, not exactly," Ismie says. She drinks more wine. "Sheesh, this is harder than it looks."
"So, Ralph isn't my father then who is?" I say, but I know that Ralph is.
"Ralph is technically your dad," Ismie starts then stops then laughs. "This is the trouble with witches."
"Ralph's a wizard.... isn't he?"
Ismie stops, opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again.
"It's complicated by magic and science." She finally says.
"What?"
Ismie looks over at the rest of the bar, everyone is studiously not listening to every word we have said.
"Stupify!" Ismie yells and the entire inn flees out the windows and doors.
"Did you just cast a spell?" I ask watching the rapid retreat.
"Did it look like a spell?" Ismie says pocketing her wand.
"Nope," Prince Charlie, magical expert.
"Well, they thought it was a spell," Ismie says.

A pregnant silence follows.

"Hmph, that's a word Ralph would use," Ismie says. "Look, Charlie, it's like this. Your dad, Devin was shooting blanks and Saran asked Ralph for help and he asked me since Wizards are bad with babies."
"Shooting blanks....?" I struggle to imagine Devin shooting anything.
Ismie stops, opens her mouth then closes it.
"Oh," I say. "The Birds and the Rabbits speech." I slap my forehead. I got that speech about 5 times from 4 different people at 5 different times.... none of which made sense. I later went to Ralph who gave me a book that made even less sense. In the end, Queen Sam explained it to me.
"Dad's is infertile?" I ask.
"He was, at the time," Ismie said. "No one knew it. I found out after an old Hag by the name of Malificnessa let it slip one night after a few drinks that Devin's Dad Kevin had insulted her Mother Magnifica and that Mag had curse Devin's family line with impotence for the insult. Malificnessa then said that her mom wasn't the best at curses and screwed up the curse but the end result was still sterility, so no one fixed it."
"I have a Grandfather?"
"Technically he's not your grandfather," Ismie says. "Technically he's an Oak Tree in the courtyard."
"Oh," I say, "You mean the one with the swing."
"That would be the one," Ismie says.
That's the trouble with witches, they seldom really forgive anyone.
"We do forgive but it does help if there is an apology."

"Anyway, I told Ralph who told your Mom and we came up with a plan to give King Devin a child."
So I am a child of Magic.
"Well, artificial insemination," Ismie adds.
"Artificial insemi- what?"
"Magic," Ismie says. "I had no other idea what it was before I cast it either, only Ralph does.
"And my brother?"
"Well, he is really Devin's child," Ismie says. "Those curses traded at your twelfth birthday had side effects."
"Oh," Because this somehow makes sense.
"I'm assuming that-" Ismie says. "I wasn't there, but given the accuracy of spell casting anything is suspect."
"So I am Ralph's Brat Kid after all."

"Told you so."
I punch Sprogsgutton in the nose without even looking at him.
"I'm sorry!" he screams as he flies across the room.
Ismie watches him go.
"I hate Gnomes."
"That makes two of us," Ismie says.

"Uh, a couple of things, Charlie?" Ismie says after Sprogsgutton hits the wall and shatters into several hundred ceramic pieces.
"Yeah?' I say, not surprised that Ismie would recurse the gnome at this point.
"Devin doesn't know." Ismie sighs. "So, if you corner Ralph over this, it would be nice not to do it in earshot."
"I wasn't going to tell my father anything."
We watch the Garden Gnome put himself back together.
"Ralph on the other hand-"
"I have a thing for Ralph if you haven't noticed," Ismie says, "So please don't be too hard on him."
"I am not going to kill him," I say, "He is my father, technically speaking."
"You did punch King Dev in the gut," Ismie says.
"So, I could punch Ralph in the gut. That would be allowed?"
"I would advise against it. You don't want trouble with Wizards, even the ones who are your father."
"Good point."

Mimosas and the talk of Witches.

Following the Pancakes, we sit back with our a pair of Mimosas, a drink of crush Oranges mixed with the elixir of trampled spirits. I have to say that while troll cuisine involves painful references, it tastes great. We both watch the flight of the gnome from Spot, Larry's dog.
The gnome is quite agile.
Spot, is, well, dogged in his pursuit of pancake goodness.
"I hate you!" the gnome screams each time he runs past the patio. There is less pancake and syrup on him each time.
"You know, you should talk to Ismie," Larry says after a while.
"You mean the witch who has a habit of turning hapless idiots into various inconvenient forms?"
I say, thinking Larry must be joking. "Witches turn Prince's into frogs."
"Only if they deserve it," Larry remarks as Srogsgu- races by for the fifth time.
"It's not Sprogsgu-!" the gnome screams at me, he suddenly stops, points a stubby finger at me. "My name is is really Sprogsgu-" as the dog chomps down on his head and carries him off for a good licking (as it turns out).
"I didn't deserve to get turned into a frog," I remark.
"That's couldn't have been Ismie," Larry says as the slurping commences from the bushes. "It's not her style."
I shrug, the memories of being a frog are still fresh and uncomfortable.
"It does sound like Callendra though," Larry says. "That old hag has no sense of humor."
For some reason, I feel better.
I nod.
"Sounds like her." Larry muses. "You must be the unfortunate son of King Devon, then?"
I must look shocked.
Larry laughs.
I look confused.
"Trolls work for Witches from time to time. It's how I met Ismie, actually- during that whole Wizard War debacle. I was out dodging wizard spells and ended up having tea with her while hiding in a trench. She told me about your dad and Ralph the semi-stupendous and how you are a  girl but your dad wanted a son and all that."
Wow.
"Also Ismie has a thing for Ralph- even though, at the time he was trying to kill her."
Double wow.
"Magic-users are that way about love, they tell me," Larry says and gets us another Mimosa.
"Anyway, I suspect that Ismie would like you," Larry continues, "I doubt she will turn you into anything."
Very reassuring.
"It's what I do," Larry says.

So there you have it.
An hour later, I find myself standing back in front of the Parasite Inn.

"You could cut your losses and take me back to Stonehaven with you, instead."
I look down.
There is a much cleaner gnome looking up at me.
Sprogsgu- smiles up at me.
I reconsider my choices.
"Actually my name isn't Sprogsgu-. It's Sprogsgu-!"
I didn't kick him. I swear.
"Oh look it's the Garden Gnome."
Ismie looks down at the petrified Gnome.
"Have you learned your lesson?" She asks so sweetly you can hear Sprogsgu-'s teeth chattering in terror.
I look at Ismie who just suddenly popped out of thin air.
"Close your mouth dear, " Ismie smiles, she is so beautiful with her perfect green hair, green eyes, green skin, perfect figure and purple hat and dress I want to cry or giggle or both.
"What a nice thing to say about me," Ismie says. "Shall we go in for a bite?'
We leave the petrified Gnome on the stoop. I glance back at him as we go in.
"Oh, he'll thaw out in a day or two," Ismie says as she takes me by the arm.
She smells great, like soap and fresh sugar cookies.

The Secret Art of Pancakes.

So the secret art of Pancakes is to use crushed flour from a beaten wheat.
I have to say I was disappointed until I asked what a beaten wheat was.
Who knew Wheat was that vile and fleet of foot, here I just thought it was grass- lots, and lots of grass.
Larry serves a stack of them for me, complete with fresh butter from a terrified cow, topped with sweet maple syrup from a strangled tree. Trolls just have a way with food preparation that humans have completely missed.
We eat, the gnome slips back onto the porch to beg for table scraps.
"Please don't kick me anymore."
I ignore him.
"Don't look at me," Larry says around a mouthful the offers me some freshly trampled Orange Juice.
"Thanks."
The gnome reaches for a plate. Larry growls. the gnome snatches his hand away.
"My name is Sprogsgu-"
Larry drops a pancake on his head.
"Thanks," the gnome Sprogsu- says. My name is actually Sprogsgu-"
Larry drops a large pat of butter on him.
"Drammist!" Sprogsgu- sighs, my names is Sprogsgu-"
Larry pours the syrup all over Sprogsgu-.
"Are you happy now?" Sprogsgu- asks.
"Almost," Larry says and whistles.
"Trolls." Sprogsgu- says "This is not funny!" the gnome attempts to wipe some of the syrup off his face. He stops to eat it, then pauses. "Why did you whistle?"
The answer comes in the form of a woof.
"Woof!"
"I think we got that part." The gnome glares at me, then over at the horse sized dog that gallops around the corner.
"I really hate you too." He says before running off with the pancake.

Drinks at dusk, Long Island Tea on the patio.

Well, at least today wasn't a complete loss.

"So there's no treasure?" I say and take a sip of the Long Island Tea. I haven't ever had tea that made me want to sigh, giggle and burp at the same time. It's good. I might get drunk.

"Nope." The troll says, his name is Larry. He's kind of nice once you get off his grass.
"I spent the whole thing on this house, the lawn and that garden gnome and his friends."

I pick up the Garden Gnome's head. I consider it.
"He has friends?"

"Yeah, they conned me into buying them, said it would be good for the lawn and the house, give it a civilized look," Larry says then takes a long draw on his tea. "Instead, as soon as I paid them, they skipped town right after paralyzing this twit on my lawn."

We're sitting on the patio at the back of the house/cottage. There's even more lawn back here. I can make out a cave . I point at it.

"Yeah, the family hole. very cramped and uncomfortable, wife would have none of it. so I cashed in the family loot after a pesky prince tried to take it and got the house and lawn from this traveling witch name Ismie- she was nice, but I wish she had warned me about the gnomes. " Larry glares at the Garden Gnome head in my hand.

Ismie....could this be Ralph's love interest?

"Uh." Me, I am the queen of glib speech.

"Yeah?" Larry says.

"Your wife is in the Duke's jail- along with that pesky prince and my friends."

"Figures." Larry replies then drains his glass. looks at my half drunk one, shrugs his massive shoulders and grabs the Tea Pitcher- which is larger than my whole body. He refills his glass, takes a sip, leans back in his patio chair- something he calls an Ironback Lounger. It's a massive wooden contraption that is half chair, half bed. He looks wistfully out at the cave fo a time.

"Did she ask about me?" There's a pain in that voice.

I consider lying.

"Heck no, she thinks you are a boring pile of Troll Poooooooooooooo-" The gnome head yells in my hand right up to the point I throw it over the lawn into the woods. "Fuck yoooouuu." The Garden Gnome head hits a trunk and shatters into many pieces.

"Thanks," Larry says.

"No problem," I reply, then take a deep breath, release it and drink deeply. The tea goes straight to my head. "No she didn't - but she- dammit, I didn't know she was a she since I am so woefully ignorant of what trolls look like-" I try to make my mouth shut. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't sweat it," Larry says smiling. "Karen looks like a man troll because she told Ismie to go to hell when she learned all that I had spent all the money on the house and lawn- apparently, Karen thought that Ismie's price was too high. Karen called her a hag."

I laugh at this because I have seen Ismie and a had she is definitely not a hag.

"Well, Ismie turned Karen into a man troll for that....I feel kind of bad since I hadn't told Karen about the Garden Gnome thing," Larry shrugs. "Ismie told me the man curse would wear off eventually."

"Ouch," I say then take a long drink remembering how long I had been a frog not too long ago. I wonder if that had been Ismie's doing but then I remember that witch had been a hag.... her name was Callendra or something.

"Anywho," Larry says leaning back. "Karen took to going to the Parasite Inn after that. I think she was planning to get revenge since Ismie drinks there from time to time."

We watch the seagulls flying in the evening sky. We drink more Long Island Tea. The sun sets.

I wake up in the chair with a blanket draped over me.
The Garden Gnome, completely intact is sitting on my knee doing his nails.

I almost scream.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I grab him, readying to throw him back into the woods.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I freeze in place. the Garden Gnome feel soft and cottony definitely not porcelain.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I put him down and look at him closely.

He looks at me indignantly, straightens his coat and sits back down on the chair.

"You're different," I say.

"Well, aren't you the sharpest stick in the bushel," he snips out.

I grab him by the throat and get ready to hurl him.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I wait.

"I'm sorry," the Garden Gnome says, he is a lot less aerodynamic now. "Old habits are hard to break."

I put him down.

"I was going to thank you for breaking the curse place on my by that bastard Robert the semi stupendous."

"You mean Ralph." I say.

"Of course, Ralph," The Garden Gnome says. "What did I say?"

"Robert."

"Ah," he says. "Look- it doesn't matter- I might have deserved it. I am a gnome anyway."

"You're a Garden Gnome."

"Not anymore." he says, he stops and starts laughing.

I crack my knuckles, he stops, looks at me nervously.

"You thought Garden Gnomes were a race of gnomes?"

I nod.

"Nah, it's a curse that magic users place on regular Gnomes." That would explain why I instantly hated him.

"What did you do to get cursed anyway?" I ask.

"I called his girlfriend a cow." the gnome says. "I might have also called his kid a filthy rat."

His kid? Ralph has kids. This just keeps getting better...is Ismie the mother?

"His kid?" I say, my mind racing.

"Yeah, there was this brat always hanging around asking pesky questions, apparently Ralph called her after a boy, what a yutz! Anyway, I am grateful to you for breaking the curse, my name is Sprogsgu- ack." He says the ack as I have grabbed him by the throat. Sprogsgu- looks at me wide eyed.

"I am that kid." I snarl before pitching him up in the air and then drop kicking him into the woods.

"I'm sorrrrrrryyyyyyy." Sprogsgu yells as he sails across the lawn. There's a satisfying thud and a crash.

"Gnome Punting," Larry says from the back door. "It's a sport in Stone Haven, they tell me."

I look over at Larry the troll. I smile, he smiles.

"Pancakes?"

Once upon a time...who am I kidding?

My life is not like a fairy tale. It is a fairy tale.
Now I have to go trick a troll out of his money, in order to bail out all of my friends and compatriots and Prince Slime-ball.
On the upside, My diary tells me we are getting an upgrade. Not sure what that means, but it's got to be good.
The troll's cave turns out to be a nice looking cottage nestled by the sea.
"That's not a troll cave."
"I didn't ask you."
"Fine, just ignore me."
"You're a garden gnome."
"Excuse me I am a  Garden Gnome!" The idiot in the little red cap says, indignantly. "It all caps you Gopher loving pothole!"
I look down where he is stands, holding out a sign that says "Troll Cave."
He looks at the sign and shrugs.
"It's still not a troll cave." he says and sticks out his tongue at me.
I grab his tongue and pull him up to eye level.
"Gack Gweek Gnock Ack!" the Garden Gnome screams.
"Let me explain how I feel about Gnomes." I then snap my hand like a whip and watch with much satisfaction as the little idiot jerks around in the air. I let go and he sails he over heels over the garden hedge, all tongue and spittle and sign.
"RaCwist Pwig!" He screams before there is a crash.

"What the Heck is going on here!" A very large ugly man emerges from the cottage's front door. He stands about 18 hands tall, is apparently wearing what Ralph calls a "house coat" - floral pattern and all- also, something Ralph calls "Flip Flops" but I call silly looking sandals. a dirty white shirt, a pair of short pantaloons that Ralph calls "Bermudas." He's unshaven and Fuke, it's the troll.
He looks at me, I look at him. The Garden Gnome runs out with the sign with a small cudgel. I step forward and say
"Your wife is in Jail."
The Garden Gnome shrieks in terror and runs in the opposite direction.
I freeze in place and the Troll starts screaming.
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"

I step back.
He immediately calms down.
Trolls are whack.
"Hey, if you knew how long it takes to have a well-manicured lawn." The troll says. "Then you'd yell too."
You might be wondering how he knows what I am narrating.
You might be like, How do all my foes know what I write in my magic diary.
Well, I will tell you.
It's-
"because we are usually having it read to us afterwards." The troll says. "I mean, other than being degrading, I am somewhat impressed that you care to try to get it correct."

Confused?
It happens. I kind of skipped ahead of myself.
I step back, the troll calms down. I scream "Bloody Murder." Draw my sword and charge onto the lawn at full sprint making sure to dig my heels in order to tear hunks of turf up in my wake. The troll bellows "Damned Humans!" Grabs his hedge trimmers and charges. I cut his hedge in half. Also, chop off the Garden Gnome's head since he was hiding in the hedge. The troll lunges forward to pick up the remains of his hedge and the torn up turf. The Troll begins to weep.
I get ready to behead him.
He looks at me, a big bit of snot hanging from his nose.
"How can you be so inhumane?"
"Dammit."
"What?"
"I thought we were supposed to be mortal enemies."
"Oh."
"I thought you were going to say something like I'm gonna grind up your bones for suet."
"That's not how you make suet." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
I sit down on the troll's stoop.
"Would it help if I said I am sorry?"
"It might."
"Okay, I am sorry."
"I forgive you." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
"I hate gnomes," I reply as I get up and kick the Garden Gnomes head like a ball.
"Fuck You!" The head screams as it rolls away across the lawn.
"What did that mean?" I say.
"What?" The troll says as he crawls around pushing the torn turf back down into his lawn.
"Fuck?"
"Now sure, maybe it has something to do with gardening," the troll says as he continues.
"Oh." Note to self: Corner Ralph and make him talk.
"Who's Ralph?" The troll asks.

This is why nothing ever goes as planned.
"That was a plan?" The beheaded Garden Gnome says.

Arrgh!

In the Jailhouse Now...

"I had a friend named Raidin' Rob
Who used to be a gregarious slob
He thought he was the toughest guy around
Well I found out last night
That Rob got into another fight
Now he's in the Duke's jail downtown."

"By the tears of Bertha! Would someone knock this idiot out?"

I am not the one singing. That's Jane. She's in jail.
I know, surprising, one would have never guessed she had it in her to laugh at the judge and call him a pencil pushing buerocrat rat.

"I went out last Tuesday I met a girl named Lulumay
I said I was the swellest guy around
We started to spendin' my money
And she started to call me honey
We took in every cabaret in town
We're in the jailhouse now-"

"Would somebody shut her up! Please!"

I can say this for my Jane. She sure can sing.

Turns out that the Parasite Inn belongs to a certain Duke named Ivan the Horrendous.
Duke Ivan the Horrifying has a Jail as well as an Inn. 
Duke Ivan the Hospitable is making money hand over fist on bail and fines to get out of his jail. 
Duke Ivan is 16. He's a petulant teenager.
How does this kind of thing happen?

"We're in the jailhouse now
Well I told that Duke right to his face
I don't like to see this place
We're in the jailhouse now."

"For the love of Stovelkor! Shut up!"

That's Grimm who probably has a hangover.

Duke Ivan has no sense of humor.

Duke Ivan has a small army of thugs- I mean gaurds who make regular rounds at the Parasite Inn to collect drunks and brawlers as they stumble out of the bar in the morning. This morning they collected Alex, Wilks, Luke, Grimm, Max, Jane, Metasprocket, Prince Charmin, his men, 6 orcs, 4 gnolls, 5 goblins, 2 elves and a troll.

You might ask where I was at the point of the arrest?

I was bravely shielding the waitress in the lady's rooms in the back.

"You were hiding in the stall telling Anne to be quiet."

Oh, I forgot, the bartender is there as well.

"Dobby like to play poker, pinochle, whist, and euchre

But shooting dice was his favorite game

Well he got throw'd in jail, with nobody to go his bail

The Duke done said that he refused a fine

He's in the jailhouse now he's in the jailhouse now."

"If someone doesn't shut her piehole I am gonna kill her!"

I kept Anne out of Jail. You can guess what comes next?

Bail.

Yep, I got to bail all these idiots out.

Which is great, save that I have no money.

Anne has 5 gold in tips.

The Bartender whose name I forget.

"It's Frank."

Whose name I want to forget.

"Dammit, that's not funny"

Won't lend me the money.

"Stop it."

"Well I told him once or twice 

stop playin' cards and shootin' dice
He's in the jailhouse now-

He's in the jailhou-mmmpf."

Max has just kissed Jane.

I might have to kill them both.

"Excuse, my lady- I mean your highness - uh I mean..."

Well look who's talking to me now, it's mister Prince Charming! The guy who totally didn't rescue us. He's in the Jailhouse now.

"They know that already, you mentioned me two verses ago."

Dammit.

"What do you want?"

"Well, I can't help but notice that you might be needing some cash." 

"I'm listening Prince Charming."

"My name is Prince Petrius the third."

"Maybe if you'd stop to introduce yourself wither time we met so far, I would have known that."

"My apologies, uh-" Prince Petrified stumbles to find some honorific to call me.

"Petrius!" He huffs.

"I most certainly do not huff!"

"Your grace?" The Man-at-Arms interjects.

"Yes?" Prince Petrius turns to look at his Man-at-Arms. "What is it Sargent?"

"If I may be so bold, I would suggest calling her Prince Charlie." 

Petrius looks from the Sargent to me incredously.

"But she is a woman, there's no way she's a legitimate Prince." He squints at me, "Aren't you a princess."

"Ahem."

"What is it Sargent?"

"If I may be so bold sir. She's King Devon's only son- I mean that's what the good King Devon calls her anyway." The Sargent looks embarrassed.

"Well that would explain the confusion." Prince Petrified replies. "Hey, it's Petrius!"

"Not anymore." I say. Prince Petty Pants huffs.

"That's just mean," he glowers at me through the bars.

"Please Ma'am," The Sargent asks. "You must forgive his highness, he actually hates his name."

"I do not." Prince Petty Pants retorts.

"He would really like to be called Hal instead."

"That name's already taken by Prince Hal." I say. I know Prince Hal.

"Prince Hal isn't really his name." The Sargent says. "His real name is Norbert."

"How do you know that?" I ask. 

"I have worked as a Master-at-Arms for several kingdoms over the last few years."

"Why so many?" I ask, although I suspect I already know.

"Tempermental fathers."

"Ah."

"MMMMPF!" 

Max is STILL KISSING JANE.

"Okay, where is this money!" I yell trying not to punch the gaurd so I can get thrown in jail to strangle Max.

"No need to yell." Prince Wannabe Hal says.

I reach through the bars, grab him by the shirt and slam him into the bars.

"I am not yelling!" I yell.

"Help?" He cries.

One of the Jail gaurds comes over, looks at me, then shrugs.

"Cut that out." he says. "We will get around to roughing him up later."

"Well?" I yell.

"it's in a cave by the sea, guarded by a troll and his wife!" Prince Hal Wannabe squeaks.

I look at the troll. I look at Prince Petrius. I laugh. He looks back at me. I let him go.

"What's so funny?" he asks after a moment to straighten his shirt.

"The troll is in jail with you." I say. This is going to be a cake walk.

"That's his wife, you dolt." Prince I am never letting him out of jail says. "haven't you ever seen a troll female before?"

"No." I say peering at the Troll.

The troll glares back at me.

"You racist sexist pig!" the Troll wife says and spits. the spit hits Prince Not Hal in the back of the head.

Sploosh.

There's a lot of spit.

Prince Not Hal's hand grabs the back of his soaking head and comes away with the slime. He faints immediately.

It is very disgusting.

"Hey, I thought trolls turned to stone in daylight." I muse.

"If I may be so bold?" The Sargent says. I nod. "Only male trolls get stoned in daylight, not the females."

"Oh." I say. well I will just go into the cave during the day....no, wait a minute.

"What do you mean get stoned?"

"Ah, sorry," the sargent says. "Sunlight makes the trolls high."

"As in, like drunk?" I ask.

"Ah yes, I guess you could say that."

"This is Fuking great." I say.

"Good luck?" The sargent says. he does not look hopeful that I will return alive.

"The Duke done said that he refused a fine
you're just gonna have to beg and whine
I told him once or twice stop telling lies or you're gonna get iced
He's in the jailhouse now-"

An elf runs up and hands me a note.

I read it.

Dear sir or madam: stop using our song.

yours: the Soggy Bottom Boys.

credit: the Soggy Bottom Boys who hopefully have a good sense of humor about this kind of thing.

Once upon a web site

I have neglected Charlie and Max and Jane.
I am sorry.
I have been having web site/hosting issues.
I am curious whether I want Charlie to end up with Max or Jane
(which is kind of insane)
No, Grimm is going to be okay.
I can't really make any promises about Alex, Wilks and Luke, tho'.
Also, should I get a horse named Pretorius in the story
and a Chameleon named Flo?
too many decisions.
anyways, Charlie says hello from prison (I mean no prison- not going to spoil the next chapter)