Once upon a time....

Once upon a time.

Yes, that's what I just said. It's required for every fairytale. It's like a law or something. So hush and stop rolling your eyes. You came here and now you will listen to my story.

Once upon a time, not so long ago and quite far away- although not as far as Far Far Away which is by the way not so much a direction as an actual kingdom. Yeah, I can totally see that you don't believe me

See, I told you so. It's just south of this island chain that someone keeps insisting is called Never Never Land.

I have even been there when I was searching for my one true love. Did I just write that? Yes, I did. I am so corny...but I digress. Anyway, next time you are down that way drop in on the King and Queen and say Hi!

Hey, if you think a Ogre and Ogress are weird for rulers, you should take a look at the former ruler.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, right, Not so far away.

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away as Far Far Away, but not so close as to be next door, there lived a King and his newlywed consort. The King was a good man and a mediocre ruler who was highly thought of by his subjects as being reasonably fair and equitable save for one slightly annoying habit that the King had.

This King's name was (or I should say still is) Mark Davidus Devinicus IV otherwise known King Devin or King Dev. King Dev had just taken and married his consort, the Queen to be a few months before this story began. I could have started it there but then if I had there might have been another place I should have started and then my fairytale would start like this:

Once upon a time and by that I mean a long time ago because I am an indecisive twit.

So. King Devin had taken for his wife (and by that I mean chosen not abduction or anything nefarious) a noble lady called Saran Antoinette Mystera of one of the lower noble houses from a nearby kingdom called Marquista. Lady Mystera had agreed to marry the king and get out of relative obscurity and become Queen of King Devin's kingdom which is called Stonehaven.

What?

Oh, when I said not so far away I was referring to distance from wherever you are and if you keep interrupting me I am going to pin you to that spot with my sword!

Anyway.

Dammit! My hair's in my eyes. Deep breaths, deep breaths. 

So King Dev- King Devin had this annoying habit and even knowing this Lady Mystera agreed to marry him. She was probably like 'what's the worst that can happen?" about it. Now I never hear that phrase come out of her mouth. She just shakes her head and laughs. "I should have known better" is what she says now.

King Devin's Achilles' heel was that he could not stop from comparing himself with other Kings and Princes from nearby kingdoms.

There would be days where King Devin would rage that Kind Charles had a more fortifiable castle than he did, even though no dragons were around. Or that King Marquis the Tenth had just had a son and now he would get to see his son have adventures and rescue a princess from an ancient curse. King Devin would rave until Lady Mystera finally realized that while he loved her, all he really wanted was a son.

So he could be like King Lucas and have a prince who slew dragons in the springtime.

The Kingdom tolerated King Devins bouts of rage and fancy, mostly because it made him try to outdo everything that the other kings were doing. So things got done and since King Alexander the Dragonslayer's subjects adored him for his kindness, then King Devin would have to outdo the same if not more for his subjects.

Lady Mystera however was fairly concerned since from the time they were married there had been a whole lot of attempts at conception and what had started out as romantic excitement was quickly fading into routine disappointment. 

To make matters worse, the King learned that his friend from Bakerville had married a woman whose name was Danyella Alicia Nerisse Estaire. King Devin's friend from Bakerville, King Hal was bad with names and awful with pronunciations, horrible in fact. So King Hal decreed that his new bride would be called Dane from thence forth.

Upon hearing this, King Devin decided that it would be very reasonable to do the same. Lady Mystera said no. The King raged and then after 6 hours of sulking on the west turret, he came back and pleaded with her. Lady Mystera who wasn't particularly fond of any of her names finally agreed to it and they made love afterward.

On Monday, Marus the 4th (that would be like March the 4th over where you probably are) King Devin declared that henceforth Lady Saran Antoinette Mystera would be known as Queen Sam and he crowned her. A week later, Queen Sam learned she was with child.

The King was ecstatic, he went around the castle giving out cigaros and declared that Tuesan (Tuesday) would be a holiday for all time...then Queen Sam informed him that the conception had happened on Sundas so he rescinded the holiday and gave everyone in the kingdom a week off instead.

I hear that it was a happy time.

no I am not finished. Come back tomorrow and I will tell you more of my fairytale.