"I had a friend named Raidin' Rob
Who used to be a gregarious slob
He thought he was the toughest guy around
Well I found out last night
That Rob got into another fight
Now he's in the Duke's jail downtown."
"By the tears of Bertha! Would someone knock this idiot out?"
I am not the one singing. That's Jane. She's in jail.
I know, surprising, one would have never guessed she had it in her to laugh at the judge and call him a pencil pushing buerocrat rat.
"I went out last Tuesday I met a girl named Lulumay
I said I was the swellest guy around
We started to spendin' my money
And she started to call me honey
We took in every cabaret in town
We're in the jailhouse now-"
"Would somebody shut her up! Please!"
I can say this for my Jane. She sure can sing.
Turns out that the Parasite Inn belongs to a certain Duke named Ivan the Horrendous.
Duke Ivan the Horrifying has a Jail as well as an Inn.
Duke Ivan the Hospitable is making money hand over fist on bail and fines to get out of his jail.
Duke Ivan is 16. He's a petulant teenager.
How does this kind of thing happen?
"We're in the jailhouse now
Well I told that Duke right to his face
I don't like to see this place
We're in the jailhouse now."
Who used to be a gregarious slob
He thought he was the toughest guy around
Well I found out last night
That Rob got into another fight
Now he's in the Duke's jail downtown."
"By the tears of Bertha! Would someone knock this idiot out?"
I am not the one singing. That's Jane. She's in jail.
I know, surprising, one would have never guessed she had it in her to laugh at the judge and call him a pencil pushing buerocrat rat.
"I went out last Tuesday I met a girl named Lulumay
I said I was the swellest guy around
We started to spendin' my money
And she started to call me honey
We took in every cabaret in town
We're in the jailhouse now-"
"Would somebody shut her up! Please!"
I can say this for my Jane. She sure can sing.
Turns out that the Parasite Inn belongs to a certain Duke named Ivan the Horrendous.
Duke Ivan the Horrifying has a Jail as well as an Inn.
Duke Ivan the Hospitable is making money hand over fist on bail and fines to get out of his jail.
Duke Ivan is 16. He's a petulant teenager.
How does this kind of thing happen?
"We're in the jailhouse now
Well I told that Duke right to his face
I don't like to see this place
We're in the jailhouse now."
"For the love of Stovelkor! Shut up!"
That's Grimm who probably has a hangover.
Duke Ivan has no sense of humor.
Duke Ivan has a small army of thugs- I mean gaurds who make regular rounds at the Parasite Inn to collect drunks and brawlers as they stumble out of the bar in the morning. This morning they collected Alex, Wilks, Luke, Grimm, Max, Jane, Metasprocket, Prince Charmin, his men, 6 orcs, 4 gnolls, 5 goblins, 2 elves and a troll.
You might ask where I was at the point of the arrest?
I was bravely shielding the waitress in the lady's rooms in the back.
"You were hiding in the stall telling Anne to be quiet."
Oh, I forgot, the bartender is there as well.
"Dobby like to play poker, pinochle, whist, and euchre
But shooting dice was his favorite game
Well he got throw'd in jail, with nobody to go his bail
The Duke done said that he refused a fine
He's in the jailhouse now he's in the jailhouse now."
"If someone doesn't shut her piehole I am gonna kill her!"
I kept Anne out of Jail. You can guess what comes next?
Bail.
Yep, I got to bail all these idiots out.
Which is great, save that I have no money.
Anne has 5 gold in tips.
The Bartender whose name I forget.
"It's Frank."
Whose name I want to forget.
"Dammit, that's not funny"
Won't lend me the money.
"Stop it."
"Well I told him once or twice
stop playin' cards and shootin' dice
He's in the jailhouse now-
He's in the jailhouse now-
He's in the jailhou-mmmpf."
Max has just kissed Jane.
I might have to kill them both.
"Excuse, my lady- I mean your highness - uh I mean..."
Well look who's talking to me now, it's mister Prince Charming! The guy who totally didn't rescue us. He's in the Jailhouse now.
"They know that already, you mentioned me two verses ago."
Dammit.
"What do you want?"
"Well, I can't help but notice that you might be needing some cash."
"I'm listening Prince Charming."
"My name is Prince Petrius the third."
"Maybe if you'd stop to introduce yourself wither time we met so far, I would have known that."
"My apologies, uh-" Prince Petrified stumbles to find some honorific to call me.
"Petrius!" He huffs.
"I most certainly do not huff!"
"Your grace?" The Man-at-Arms interjects.
"Yes?" Prince Petrius turns to look at his Man-at-Arms. "What is it Sargent?"
"If I may be so bold, I would suggest calling her Prince Charlie."
Petrius looks from the Sargent to me incredously.
"But she is a woman, there's no way she's a legitimate Prince." He squints at me, "Aren't you a princess."
"Ahem."
"What is it Sargent?"
"If I may be so bold sir. She's King Devon's only son- I mean that's what the good King Devon calls her anyway." The Sargent looks embarrassed.
"Well that would explain the confusion." Prince Petrified replies. "Hey, it's Petrius!"
"Not anymore." I say. Prince Petty Pants huffs.
"That's just mean," he glowers at me through the bars.
"Please Ma'am," The Sargent asks. "You must forgive his highness, he actually hates his name."
"I do not." Prince Petty Pants retorts.
"He would really like to be called Hal instead."
"That name's already taken by Prince Hal." I say. I know Prince Hal.
"Prince Hal isn't really his name." The Sargent says. "His real name is Norbert."
"How do you know that?" I ask.
"I have worked as a Master-at-Arms for several kingdoms over the last few years."
"Why so many?" I ask, although I suspect I already know.
"Tempermental fathers."
"Ah."
"MMMMPF!"
Max is STILL KISSING JANE.
"Okay, where is this money!" I yell trying not to punch the gaurd so I can get thrown in jail to strangle Max.
"No need to yell." Prince Wannabe Hal says.
I reach through the bars, grab him by the shirt and slam him into the bars.
"I am not yelling!" I yell.
"Help?" He cries.
One of the Jail gaurds comes over, looks at me, then shrugs.
"Cut that out." he says. "We will get around to roughing him up later."
"Well?" I yell.
"it's in a cave by the sea, guarded by a troll and his wife!" Prince Hal Wannabe squeaks.
I look at the troll. I look at Prince Petrius. I laugh. He looks back at me. I let him go.
"What's so funny?" he asks after a moment to straighten his shirt.
"The troll is in jail with you." I say. This is going to be a cake walk.
"That's his wife, you dolt." Prince I am never letting him out of jail says. "haven't you ever seen a troll female before?"
"No." I say peering at the Troll.
The troll glares back at me.
"You racist sexist pig!" the Troll wife says and spits. the spit hits Prince Not Hal in the back of the head.
Sploosh.
There's a lot of spit.
Prince Not Hal's hand grabs the back of his soaking head and comes away with the slime. He faints immediately.
It is very disgusting.
"Hey, I thought trolls turned to stone in daylight." I muse.
"If I may be so bold?" The Sargent says. I nod. "Only male trolls get stoned in daylight, not the females."
"Oh." I say. well I will just go into the cave during the day....no, wait a minute.
"What do you mean get stoned?"
"Ah, sorry," the sargent says. "Sunlight makes the trolls high."
"As in, like drunk?" I ask.
"Ah yes, I guess you could say that."
"This is Fuking great." I say.
"Good luck?" The sargent says. he does not look hopeful that I will return alive.
"The Duke done said that he refused a fine
you're just gonna have to beg and whine
I told him once or twice stop telling lies or you're gonna get iced
He's in the jailhouse now-"
you're just gonna have to beg and whine
I told him once or twice stop telling lies or you're gonna get iced
He's in the jailhouse now-"
An elf runs up and hands me a note.
I read it.
Dear sir or madam: stop using our song.
yours: the Soggy Bottom Boys.
credit: the Soggy Bottom Boys who hopefully have a good sense of humor about this kind of thing.
