What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn part duex (and you say deux with an oomph!)

The Ogre turns to Alex.

"Pardon me." He says as he displays his teeth. Pretty nice dentistry. "Do you have an axe."

"Uhhhhh." Alex says in his suave yet contemplative manner. "I'll get one." then he scrambles away.

"Why do you need an axe?" Max asks.

"Well, Eugene- I can call you Eugene, right." The Ogre says.

"No," Max retorts.

"Well, Eugene, since you asked and have not spent much time around shady bars like this one." With this, the Ogre flourishes his arms out in a wide arc to the rest of the bar. "I'll tell you."

Silence, Max stares- I mean glares at the Ogre.

"I need the axe to start the music."

"Aha!" Max yells and jumps to his feet. "You're the Barbarian with the hook hand who plays piano!"

The Ogre looks puzzled.

Max slumps back into his stool, drops his head to the table. "Nevermind, wrong fairy tale."

Alex returns dragging a double bladed two-handed battle axe with a chipped right blade.

"Will this do sir Ogre?"

The Ogre studies it for a moment before reaching out and then flicking it out with a quick snap.
We all watch it sail through the air across the bar to bury itself in the far wall right about a unhappy, way too sober minstrel who screams and grabs his ukelele (no I have no idea what a ukelele is but I like saying it though) and commences strumming it madly.

The Ogre looks at me as I jump up on the table and definitely do not sing:

or

So what was the first song that came to mind to sing?
Why that merry old tune
As Good as the Prince Is.
Everyone loves that one!

"No they don't."

Well they will now.
(what follows is the song...mostly)

Me: "She said, I've seen you in here before."
The Ogre jumps up
The Ogre: "I've been in here a time or three!"
He bows low.

Me: "She said, "Hello my name is Princess Trinity.
meet my sisters Joela and Bethany.
We're all feeling kind of bored tonight
and you're the only knight in this place
if you're up for a rescue, then we can put a big
fairy tale reward on your face!"

The Ogre: "Ladies.
I am not as good as I once was,
I have several years on me now
not long ago I was in my prime
I could swing my sword, it was sublime!"

The Ogre plucks me off the table and acts as if to kiss me.
Max jumps up to stop this and the ogre trips him with his other foot.
Max eeps as he hits the floor.

The Ogre:"I could put my enemies down low
I could say them words real slow
I can probably love you all tonight
I might be brave enough
I am not as good as I once was
but I am evil when the going gets tough."

That wasn't so bad. right?
"No."
Aw Jane, not you too.

Me: "I still hang out at this bar with my gal Jane.
I've known her since we were trapped in that dungeon
last week."

Jane opens her mouth, I put my finger on her lips.

Me: "Don't speak."
Jane bite my finger.

Me: "Ow, Last night she had a few drinks,
got into a tight spot with two goblins over
a game of dice, I thinks.
Then one grumpy dwarf wades in and I hear
Jane say: "Hey Prince can you lend me a hand!"

"Well that part was accurate anyway."

Wait, what.
Me: "I said, "Jane,
I am not as good as I once was
My how the years have flown by
now hang on and don't cry!
I could really hold my own!
But if they want I a fight tonight
I will drag those goblins through it
I am not as good as I once was
but I can sweep the floor with those
goblins, dwarf and um a dragon?"

Yep, there is some guy who's got Jane in a vice grip
and it's not Max.

The Ogre laughs; "Here have a flagon!"

Me:" I used to be heck on wheels
Back when I was younger Prince"

Ogre: "Not much has happened since!"

Me: "I am not as brave as I once was.
That is just the hard cold truth."

Suddenly the bar is a flurry of arms and hands as a fight breaks out.

"Actually it's been going on since the ogre started singing!"

Me: I can still trhow a good punch, talk the talk
when I am feeling arrow proof!
so you should cross right now
cause I am going to call your bluff
I am not as good as I once was
but I bet I am good enough!"

This is when I catch a mug of brew with my face and everything goes dark.

I awaken as someone dumps a bucket of water on my face.
It's the Ogre.
"Nice song princess."

Then the door bursts open and we hear.

"Shreeeee-"
The Ogre interrupts.
"Gotta go."

"It was a good song" I say to the ceiling which has a few goblins in the rafters.
"Nope." Max says, "it was awful and your dancing stinks."
"Hater's are going to hate." I say.
A gnome looks down at me and says.
"Toby Keith sent you a message."
"Read it?" I say and wave at the goblins. (they give me a rude hand gesture.)
"It reads as thus: Hey, stop pirating my music."
"Oh." I say.
"Response?" the gnome asks.
"So sorry. won't happen again." I say.

"Who's Toby Keith?" Jane asks.
She's also in the rafters.
I miss the best stuff.







"That is not what happened." Max says.

"Okay, but mine was better."

What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn

Well, we finally reached the Parasite Inn.
We actually didn't know it was called the Parasite Inn before we were standing outside it looking up at the sign.
We knew that something weird was going on because it was one of three buildings that made up the rest stop on the Coventry road out of the Dragon Wastes.
Also, we suspected that the rest of my entourage was here because there isn't another inn or bar or house in a hundred days march anywhere around here and we had found no remains that looked like them as we trudged along the road.
Also, we had discussed meeting up at an inn - okay, that's not true, Grimm said that he and Alex had discussed meeting up at an inn- in case we got separated.
The rest stop consisted of the Inn, a stable and an outhouse.
Talk about luxury. At least, there was any funny smells or dead bodies in sight, that's good, right?

"The Parasite Inn"  Max read for all of us as we stood at the door looking at the weather beaten plank upon which the name had been carefully painted.
"Lovely name. " Jane said.
"Get out of the way." Grimm said "I'm going in."
No one moved.
I blinked and looked around knowing that everyone was looking at me.
"Oh, right, because I am suddenly in charge." I breathed and looked at the sign again.
"Just make a decision." Max said.
"Fine, we will go in." So Max sweeps open the door for us and Grimm drops the dragon's hard by the door and stomps in licking his lips.
I look at the dragon's head.
"Who's going to steal it?" Jane says.
We look around.
whistling noise followed by a why ya ya sound.
This is a weird town.
I shrug and we go in.
At first glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap peeling paint and a ramshackle bar of tied together wood with what looks like twine.
It's actually hair, not twine.
At second glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap patrons swilling something that smells like unwashed longshore men and desperation. The furniture is more the left overs of a dozen ruined castles, including converted doors for tables and logs for stools. The bar is bound wood with dragon hair twine and the patrons number exactly seven.
I blink.
At a table in the center of the room sits Alex the Palace Guard, unshaven, unwashed guzzling a mug of swill, while Wilks has his head buried in his hands clutching what little is left of his hair and Luke who is midsip staring at us while his grog runs down his chin and onto the table.
There is also a gnome who looks kind of like Metta Sprocket but with more loose wires and a thing with it's "arms" wrapped around Luke like an octopus. The barkeep is a Goblin with one eye and one tooth.
And then there is a Ogre asleep at the bar.

"Hi Guys!" I say as I sit down and glance at the octowoman wrapped around Luke.
She glares at me and then at Jane and then Max and starts to unwind around Luke.

"I, uh...yeah. I will get us a drink!" Max says with a shudder at this creature who licks her slimy lips at him and he skedaddles off to the bar.
Jane and I sit down across from Alex.

"Alex this is Princess Jane, my future consort. Jane, this is the cowardly captain of the guard who left me to die at the hands...I mean claws of two blood thirsty dragons." I say this as sweetly as possible.

Alex, to his credit snaps his mouth shut, winces then blanches a dark shade of red, opens his mouth again to speak then shivers and snaps it shut almost as hard as the first time. I imagine his teeth cracking. I feel better.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Captain Coward." Jane says as she slips under my arm and into a chair next to me. We "cuddle" as Alex squirms.

Wilks looks up suddenly and squeaks, rubs his eyes and squeaks again. He is wasted.

Grimm dumps the dragon's head in the corner next to the octowoman and Luke. the octowoman looks down at the dragon head and screams in a ear splitting glass shattering wail, completely unravels herself from Luke and scrambles-
"Slithers" Jane interjects.
-away across the bar and out the back door. The rest of the bar goes silent and I become acutely aware that there is a lot of people in the bar that I did not notice before. It's one of those Tangled moments.

"What did I miss?" Max asks, returning with three cups of something.
"Grimm making his usual first impression." I say.
"Slithergirl's hastey retreat." Jane adds.
Max looks down at us. We make a space for him, he grabs a stool and sits down between Jane and me. Jane sighs, takes a cup and sips at it, coughs, grimaces, and slugs back the whole cup, then burps.

"That good?" I say.
"Tastes better than that crap that blew up the castle." Jane says.
Max eyes his.
"Garlfether said it was wine- the best he had." Max says gesturing at the Goblin barkeep.
"You mean he can talk?" I say. "I mean he only has one tooth."
Max sighs and slugs back his then spits it out in a stream of spew all over Luke- who is sitting opposite him.
"Luke, this is my boyfriend, Max. Max, this is the cowardly loser Luke, who left me to die at the claws of two vicious fire breathing dragons."
Luke stops halfway to his feet, wide eyed, rubs his face with the back of his hand and then holds it out to Max.
Max ignores it.
"Let me buy you a drink." Max hops up and heads for the bar.
Luke looks sick, then sits down and hangs his head.
"You're alive." Alex finally says.
"No thanks to you." I reply.
"Whoz alife?" Wilks asks.
"The Prince is." Alex says.
"Therz a Prince?" Wilks says.
"No, the Prince....our Prince." Alex says.
"Our Prinz" Wilks responds. "That means we're dead, right?"
"No- I mean maybe." Alex shoots me a look.

"Who's a Prince?" The Ogre says.

Luke screams (like a girl....or a scared pig or both although it would be insulting to the pig and girl, I suspect).

"I am." I say.

"But your a girl." The Ogre says.

"It's a long story." I reply.

"Sure, it's always a long story, unless you're Prince Charmin." the Ogre says as he flicks Luke out of his chair (into a wall where Luke loses his ability to capitulate and passes out in a dead faint).

"Mind if I sit down." the Ogre says sitting down.

"Yes." Jane says. "But when do you ever listen to anyone anyway."

The ogre looks at her for a time, then smiles a big toothy grin.

"You Princesses are a lot alike, you know?"

"Thanks?" Jane says.

"Yer welcome." the Ogre says and gives me a wink.

Max returns and looks at the Ogre for a long time.

The Ogre looks over at Max as well.

"I know you from somewhere." Max says.

"I was at the bar." the Ogre replies.

"No, I know you are from Far-"

"Let me stop you right there." the Ogre says. "let's all be friends, instead."

Max sits down back in his stool, looks across at the ogre, then swaps seats with Jane.

The Ogre laughs.

I notice that Grimm and the Gnome are currently in a hair pulling contest. Yep, it's Metasprocket minus an arm and some hair. He looks as angry as gnomes can manage to look angry. Dwarves always look angry so who knows if Grimm is angry or smiling or crying.

The Ogre looks at the two and shrugs.

"Nice Dragon head." he says after a moment. "which one of you killed it?"

I take a moment considering what I know about Ogres, what I suspect about this Ogre and his history with donkeys and dragons.

"An exploding castle killed him."

The Ogre looks at me for a moment and bursts out laughing.
We all laugh, although half of us probably do it out of fear.

"You know what we need?" I hear myself say.

"What's that?" Max says.

"A song and dance." I say.

"That is not what happened."

What?

"That didn't happen." Max says.

"It will be better than what did happen." Jane says.

Who's fairy tale is this?

Silence.

That's what I thought.

"What we need is a song." The Ogre said suddenly.

"And some bad dancing." I responded.

"No dancing." Max says.

"Aw come on Max." I say.

"Dammit, stop looking at me like that.....fine some dancing."

I almost clap my hands.

It's kind of what actually happened, the disney version anyway.