A Difficulty with Dragons part 4

What the hell just happened?

Oh right I just fell into a sewer.
No. That's not it.
I means it's cold and smells worse that the latrines in the fish quarter of Dad's city, Pewghast.

Yeah, that's the name of the city now. Dad renamed it.
He is king after all.

Damn but it is cold down here.
I am currently upside down on a slope of very cold loose rocks that clink
No wait, rocks don't clink.
Do they?

I have a bad feeling about this.

Carefully I try to sit up and only end up rolling sliding down the rest of the slope until I plant my head inside of something round and concave but definitely metal- dull clunk,

I had better be alone down here.
That's all I have to say.
It's black as night or darker than night though slowly starless nights are really dark.
I carefully remove my head from the pot thing and lie back and wait for the darkness to adjust.
I mean my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
It doesn't.
I want to cuss.

I hate being cold and in the dark.
Then.


I let out a scream that is like a banshee who get her finger stuck in a cookie jar filled with scorpions who are really pissed off for being shaken up being some ignoramus.
Let's just saying it was a once in a life time scream that to this day I am glad only the
Dragon and I had to endure.

The Dragon for his part was not amused.
He looked at me out from under all those coins and treasure.
And I looked at him (and I am assuming at this point it's a he) and screamed my scream.




I finally run out of scream and lie back and gasp for a time, when I look back the dragon's eye is still there. unblinking and as big as I am.
It strikes me this dragon is bigger than the one who ate our horses.
I feel like screaming all over again. I even suck in the wind to began again.
Instead I am covered in a sudden downpour of coins.

When it stops the Dragon has removed it's head from the pile and is now considering me.
I open my mouth.

"Please don't scream again."

A deep voice says in a distinctly Morovian accent (Ralph says Morovians remind him of Vulcans- Ralph was not clear what that means however)

"O-okay."

"Thank you ever so much." The Dragon replies.

"Please don't eat me." I, Prince Charlie of the Mighty Kingdom of Stonehaven, Defendor of the Realm and blah, blah, blah- squeaks out.

"Why would I eat you?"

Can dragons look offended?
Will have to ask Ralph, should I live through this one, although he probably will just grumble about having to cast his google spell again.

"Be-because that's what dragons do?"

"Who told you this lie?"

"My Grandmother?" A total lie, not having a grandmother (which is a whole other story).

"This is why dragons and humans don't mix." The dragon says and looks "disgusted."

"Well, that's a relief." I say and then regret it.

"You are human. you do look a bit like a knight."

"I am a knight- prince-uh well Prince knight, although I haven't been knighted yet but as soon as I slay a dragon I will be- oh I mean - well that's a bad choice of words... i'll just shut up now."

"You talk like a girl human though."

"Well, I am a girl persay...I mean I am."

"You just said you were a prince? have things changed a lot in the last 100 years or so?"

"No- I mean yes, no I mean- I don't know, it's a long convoluted story."

"I feel dizzy."

Yep, Prince Charlie has confused a dragon without even getting up off her butt.



notice: Ralph would like to thank Peter Jackson and the Hobbit movies for use of the Smaug pictures. we are liberally using them to describe a dragon that has no direct relation to the dragon in the picture nor the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch, Also New Line pictures and their lawyers please don't sue us since we like living in fairy tales or something.

A Difficulty with Dragons part 3

"Wasn't there supposed to a dragon slaying sword?" I ask for the fifth time this morning.

"It's the sixth bloody time you asked Girly!" Grimm shouts up at me. Who's counting you dumb dwarf. "Look here, it's not my fault that Ralph down there took us to the wrong fuking castle!!!"

"My name is not Ralph." Alex says as he shoves Grimm up to the ledge I am squashed on.

"I was blaming the flaming mage!" Grimm yells as he climbs over me onto a slightly wider ledge.

"So, I have to take on the flaming dragon without a dragon slaying sword?" I say. This sucks, I hate everyone right now.

"Ah bloody Heckle, Girlie! Every bloody swords is a dragon slaying sword once you have slain the dragon with it!" Grimm grumbles as he slumps against the cliff face.

"Can I get a hand up my Prince?" Alex asks.

"Fine, all I am saying is-" I throw my hand down to Alex who grabs it and I slump against the stone of the ledge since this idiot had to wear his armor up the cliff face.

"I hear what you are saying girlie, but there's nought to be done fer it." Grimm sighs. "We have no idea where that sword it or was."

"Where's Luke?" I ask

Alex looks chagrined.

"Where's Wilks?" I almost yell.

Grimm makes a shushing noise.

"Where!!!" I yell.

somewhere below I hear the two cowards scrambling off into the brush.

"Where do you think you fuking idiot!" Grimm bellows.

"That's it, we're all dead." Alex says and slumps down onto the ledge next to Grimm.

"I hate both of you." I say as I clamber up to the ledge where the two sit, I take notice of a crack in the cliff face.

"That's obvious." Grimm retorts but I can tell he no longer has a dog in this fight. He takes a long pull on his wine flask before handing it to Alex who does the same.

"Oh no, you don't." I say indignantly, "I AM NOT going in there!"

"Do you want to keep climbing?" Grimm says gesturing with the wine flask.

I look up at the crumbling wall above. I probably gulp.

"No."

"Do you want to go back down?" Alex asks hopefully.

I look back down, kick a pebble off and watch it fall.

"No."

"Well, then." Grimm says pointing at the crack. "in ye go."

"What about you two?"

Grimm and Alex look at each other and then Grimm says:

"We're too big to fit in the crack."

Fuke!

Of course they are right. I hate both of them more, if that is possible.

"Dammit. Fine!" I walk over and began a belabored squirming into to hole. I swear I hear them chuckling as I get father inside.

I hate my father for this and if I happen to survive this I am going to-
crap, the ground just vanished and
"Fuke!"

I plunge into darkness and it smells horrible.

A Difficulty with Dragons part 2

Charlie's top 5 things she hates
1. She hates being wet
2. She hates being wet
3. She hates being wet
4. She hates being wet
5. She hates-

"Lemme guess, being wet?"

"Dammit Grimm, this is my fairytale, go get yer own!"

"Who're you talking too anyway?"

Ummmmm. "My Journal, it's magical."

Grimm takes my journal (which is very wet) and holds it upside down. I half imagine the funnel of water streaming from it. He peers at it, then sniffs at it (in the rain), then hands it back to me. Then he sits down next to me (in the mud), throws an arm around me and pulls me close. I get to have a soaked girl moment. This is hard cause Grimm smells like old Tabaky.
I crinkle my nose and hope no one noticed my tears,

Good news, no one did.
Bad news, no fire.

Top 5 things Prince Charlie hates
1. Being wet
2. Being Cold
3. My father
4.-

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Whatever you are doing in that book of yers."

I instinctively clutch my journal to my chest, wrapping my arms around it protectively.
I don't really hate my father but right now I really want to.
I am wet and cold and miserable and I hate everyone.
Everyone!
Crap, I think I am crying!

Everything is shattered as the Dragon roars and then stomps or- at least it sounds like stomping. I can see the ruined castle tremble, then a few stones fall out of one wall. The roaring continues and for a brief moment, I think that I hear the Dragon screaming something like-
like It isn't fair!

A Difficulty with Dragons Part I

I don't know how to tell you this, but we all got eaten by the dragon.

"Stop."

What?

"We weren't eaten by any dragon."

"Dammit Grimm- this is my fairy tale- go get your own."

"Now yer just being ridiculous."

"So what if I am, were you the one changed into a toad."

"Stop laughing at me, it's not that funny."

Well, I guess I am busted, the dragon did not, in fact, eat us. 
It did come back twice that night to pick off two of the remaining horses (which had come back), I only hope that the last never comes back.
Luke wandered in shortly before dark. Well, actually he stumbled into the gully where we had retreated and began cussing.
As he ranted, I gathered that he had thought he had put some real distance between himself, us and the dragon.

"Luke, shaddup already!" Grimm bellowed and cuffed the babbling man who sat down and complied, looking truly baffled at how unlucky he was.

(pictures partially unrelated)

The gully in which we have hidden, ironically is at the foot of the hill upon which the castle resides- well tower and ruin anyway. The dragon is back on top of the tower and from the noise of crunching and snapping has just cleaned off the last horse.

I don't know about the rest of my meery little band, but I am pretty miserable right now.

"Don't cheer up just yet." Grimm says plopping down besides me.

"Why not?" I say, glumly looking at my fingers which are muddy.

"It's going to rain." Grimm sighs, then he lies back and pulls his camp blanket over his head and soon the snores come ripping out of him. 

"I hate you." I say as the ran begins to fall.

Then the thunder clap.

I jump to my feet- but its a false alarm, the dragon just burped. 

and a leg bone slams down about 30 feet away from where it had been ejected from the dragon's maw.

Luke and Wilks and Alex look at me, like this is all my fault.

"I hate you all as well." I say. 

Just for that they won't let me share their umbrellas.

I think I hear a chortle, but I can't be sure, since my guilt is not going to be assuaged by my own misery and lack of mercy upon my companion's parts.

Did I mention that I hate dragons?

The trouble with treks Part 4

FUKE!!!!

The dragon in question is flying towards us.

The horses catch its scent and start screaming.

Yes, screaming. No wait, that's me.

I am screaming like a page boy at his first battle.

Grimm is yelling something, but I can't hear him because of all that screaming.

Wilks dives into the tent as if that is going to be sufficient shelter- although Alexander seems to think it is, since he runs towards it.

The tent collapses on Wilks who begins screaming.

Alexander skids to a halt and whips his head around looking for something to hide behind spots the wagon and then runs towards it. Grimm beats him there.

I stand there looking at them and the tent and not at the dragon.

Although I can guess by the looks of abject horror on their faces that I should have run. I can't run- my feet won't move.

The Horses, on the other hand, scatter as the black shadow and reek of old blood washes over me. Luke's horse makes it to full gallop before it is air born.

The dragon whisks it away like a hawk takes a field mouse. The Dragon glides away across the barrens. 

I can see that it is Black with red spines and is wearing a heavy gold collar made of interwoven links.

Wow.

Dragons like jewelry.

So, at least, I did not pee my pants.

Actually, I have no idea why people pee when they're afraid. Hilda once peed her kilt when she laughed too hard, but she said that she had to go but didn't so I guess that was- no, that was also unfathomable.

Taking stock of our predicament, the good news is we still have our wagon, tack, harness, tent and camping gear.

The bad news is that the horses are gone (although if they don't get eaten, they might come back- although if I was the horse, I'd go home), Luke ran off and might come back if he doesn't get lost, which he does in the castle where we grew up. I screamed like a page boy proving that I am an idiot. No one is as brave as we all hoped we would be. There's a really big dragon.

The really good news is I am going to kill my father, should I ever see him again.

The worse news should be obvious.

I will have to walk all the way home in order to do it.

The Trouble with Treks Part 3

So the Dragon Barrens looked pretty barren.

"Well no one's here, or around." I said to my 4 compatriots, "let's head over to Coventry and buy a Dragon's head and tell King Dev that it was a hard and..."

Grimm was shaking his head.

Alexander, captain of my personal guard, was pointing out to the west (opposite direction of Coventry).

Luke and Wilks were nodding with me- particularly since they had just seen what Alex had pointed at. Luke and Wilks are my personal guard. Yes, this makes Alex a Captain of two men. No, the irony is not lost on me although Alex pretends that it doesn't bother him.

I turned to the west to gaze at the looming hill jutting out of the Barrens like a dark tower of ultimate evil and my mouth fell open.

"I say we run for it- in that direction." I jerked my thumb over my shoulder.

Luke and Wilks looked and me, then Grimm and their collective heads slumped.

Dammit.

Alexander clapped his hands together (yes clapped) and strode to the wagon and began unpacking armor and gear. After a moment of dread silence, Wilks and Luke plodded over and half-heartedly began to help unpack the gear.

Atop this foreboding hill squatted a ruined castle with only one turret tower sticking out above the plains like a giant's fist clutching at the fading sun. It was a sight that will forever be etched in my memory as "what the hell was my father thinking."

"Thar she blows lassie, the Keep of Eir Noch Dor!" Grimm said, trying and failing to sound ominous.

"That's it?"

"Yes, the Keep of Eir Noch Dor!" except Grimm was actually saying "ear nock duuuuuur."

"I dunno, it sounds kind of dumb." I said.

Alexander and the other two men whirled around to stare at me as if I had said "Hey look, it's that idiot, my father" and I had said it right in earshot.
Right now, I felt like saying that next.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Alexander said and then added "shhhhhhhhh."

"What?" I said looking around, yep no one to ever side of me for miles and miles, unless you count Grimm and I wasn't.

"The dragon will hear you." Luke exclaimed in a whisper which was actually more like a squeak.

"What dragon." I said. "I don't see any dragon." It was true, as far as I could see- other than the ruined castle there was no sign of a dragon unless you counted that claw like thing on top of the castle that- well dammit there was the dragon. I did actually feel like it was now staring at me. Silently, I thank Cronos, I had not said Stupid dragon like I had intended.

"Oh, that dragon." I finished.

"Uh oh." Grimm said behind me.

"What do you mean Uh Oh?" I said still looking a the dragon who did not look as small as he had been described to me not 10 counts past.

"I mean, Castle Eir Noch Dor is supposed to be in a gully, hence the Eir." Grimm said.

I whirled around to find him looking over a folded up map that he must have had and forgotten to mention so far.

"It that is not Noch Dor, then what is it?" I wanted to say a cuss word but Princes are not taught any. Ralph the Semi Awesome had once yelled a word that sounded like Fuke and when I asked him what it meant, he had stopped yelling it, patted me on the head- I was eight, then said it meant bad luck and quickly closed the door to his study which was on fire at the time. Still Fuke didn't feel appropriate right now.

Grimm looked his map, cursed in unpronounceable Dwarvish- well at least I think it was Dwarvish and spat. Grimm only spits when he is very upset.
Then he proceeded to tear up the map.
I heard some guy yell "Noooooooooooooooooo." (yes, it was that long).
Grimm stopped what he was doing, looked down at the tattered remains of the map and said "Oopsy" then proceeded to stomp on the tattered remains pretty enthusiastically.
I turned back to see that Alexander had fainted and Luke was running away to the east in the coming darkness still yelling "Nooooooooooooooo! (yes, it was that long).
I looked at Wilks who just shrugged and went back to unrolling the tent.

I looked back to Grimm, who stood now to one side, pipe in hand with a thoughtful expression.
"Grimm?"

"The good news is that we have no idea where Eir Noch Door is or was."

Gulp.
"And the bad news?"

Grimm clicked the pipe stem against his teeth before answering.

"I would say we are probably fuked."

I suddenly realized a few things.

1. Ralph either was wrong or lying about the meaning of the word Fuke.
2. Grimm and Alexander had no real sense of direction.
3. Luke was a yellow bellied coward and could run faster than any of us
4. We still had some horses.
5. Although, I doubt they could outrun the dragon that was now extending a wingspan larger than Dad's Flag ship which was 250 feet long.
6. I was not going to be know as Dame Charles the Tame Dragon Slayer
7. because we were fuked, which I now think means cooked.

also, I would like to request that I get a transfer to a different fairy tale.

The Trouble with Treks Part 2

The Dragon Barrens are where Dragons are supposed to live. In magical Kingdoms and fairytale lands this basically means that if a Dragon, say, decides to move in, property values plummet as fast as those who are smart enough to run, walk or crawl depart from the immediate area. This is in part because Dragons are not much for real estate prices unless it involves fire breathing, general chaos or lots and lots of easy to get treasure.
Thus, most of the Nine Kingdoms do not hoard piles of treasure.
Dad's kingdoms wealth is in Antiques and Neo-modern extremely flammable furniture. He also lets everyone- especially Dragons (not that we have any idea if the Dragons even hear or care about it) know that is where whatever gold and jewels he gets are.
Most of the other Kings and Queens have followed suit and reinvested their treasure stockpiles into easily flammable or hard to hoard investments.
I have heard that the 6 Outland Kingdoms have taken to burying their treasures in extremely tight and cramped underground or underseas vaults in an effort to make Dragons ignore them since it is commonly held that Dragons get exceedingly lazy after acquiring their real estate.
So, the Dragon Barrens are actually overgrown brushlands where gardening and cultivation no longer exists since Dragons are know to having extremely flammable housewarming partings where the aforementioned shrubbery and such is turned to ash in the matter of an evening. Then the brushlands grow up on the formerly scorched earth.
Also, no one of the former residents ever return to their former homes (also burned out hulks) and the Barrens spread out.
Also, Dragon homes do have an abundance of treasure that the dragons somehow move into them from kingdoms and other sources who did not get the Imperial memo in time- or, at least, that is what Grimm tells me as we meander our way into the Barrens in search of our dragon.

Yes, you read that right. We have a dragon.
One that Mort the Merciless failed to slay last year. Ralph picked this dragon since it was too tame for Mort to kill.
Lucky me. Sir Charlie the Tame Dragon Slayer.

"Dame Charlie the Tame Dragon Slayer." Grimm says and there is laughter from the 3 other escorts in my band.

I hate them all.

The Trouble with Treks Part I

"Wake up!"

The first thing I notice is that we are moving.

"Dragon?" My mouth feels very dry. So it's more of a croak.

"No."

"Rock?"

"That was yesterday, we decided that rock pitching is not your strong suit."

I think we are in a carriage. No, this one does not smell good.

"Where?'

"We decided maybe you would be better off training on the road, lassie" Grimm says.

"Ugh." So prolific am I.

"No worries, we are well enough away from home to keep you from getting distracted."

"Great." I open my eyes to see what I have feared. Yep, it's a wagon. I hate wagons.

"I know you hate wagons." Grimm chuckles.

So I said that aloud then. My head feels better than it should although my mouth feels stuffed with cotton. I hope that its because I am thirsty and not because I needed dental work. I like my face as it was.

"Water?"

"Eh, well yes, alright, sit up there lassie." Grimm holds out a waterskin. I drink too fast and end up coughing and hacking in a very unprincess-like manner.

"Where are we?" I ask once I have regained my composure.

"Gwenodyn Road, east of T'narky, about half a day." Grimm says settling back in the hay that fills the wagon, which is covered by a tarp.

"T'narky!" Oh My Goddess! "How long have I been out?"

'Three and half days, as I figure it, Lassie."

"Damn." I still feel like Harm warmed over.

"Where are we going?" As if I don't already know.

"Dragon Barrens...of course." Grimm says with a lopsided grin.

"Fine!" I say. "No more rocks, okay?"

"Alright, lassie, no more rocks."

The Problem with Fairy Tales Part 5

Dragons!
why does it always end up with a dragon?
Did someone just inform the storyteller guild that there must always be a dragon? Is the some rule that dictates this kind of thing?
I mean I am a man/woman/prince and I should have been prepared for this but I stand there dumbstruck as Grimm begins "Dragon Killing class" and throws me a rock. I look at him, I look at the rock and then I look up. I hold up the rock and shrug.
Dragons.
I see stars and the sky and the grass. I hear a lot of cussing in Dwarfish and someone sits me up. Grimm comes into view and checks me over. he grunts and someone stands me up. a helmet is shoved on my head and the rock is handed back to me. I stare at the rock, I feel a sudden compulsion to wave at it. There is a loud clunk and I pitch over as the world spins and there is more dwarfish cussing.
Dragons.
well damn.

So where was I?

In case, you have just wandered into this fairy tale, let me bring you up to speed. First, take a seat out of the line of fire. Ready?
Good.
Once upon a time there was a handsome princess named Charlie. She was fair of face and noble of heart and her father was a raving lunatic who was determined that she must go on a quest and find fame and fortune and apparently another princess to rescue since princes in distress are in short supply.
I did offer to put a few of the smirking princes in peril when my father chose to reveal this at my 19th birthday party which lucky for me was a small affair with only three of the princes I was still talking to and a couple of the princesses. I ground my teeth and my mother grimaced at it and shook her head ever so slightly.
It took a moment to realize that everyone was looking at me expectantly. Izzy and Hildy were giving me the thumbs up sign and Mark was smiling, Hal flinched and looked away and Stefan looked sick.
I turned to glare at my father who gave me a pleading look then looked away.
"Fine! I'll do it."
Oh they liked that, cheers and all.
My mother did what Ralph the Stupendous describes as the FacePalm of Mindless Frustration.
I knew I was in trouble then.
Then as if there is any doubt my father actually rubbed his hands together.
"First thing you need to do is find the Old Crone MacBee."
"Who?" I ask, my father ignores me.
"Two, you need to get the magic sword of Fiery Tongue from the Ogre of Dunsmarch."
"Ogre?"
"Yes, Ogre." Then King Devon made a lot of lumbering around and it took a moment before anyone figured out that he was acting like what he assumed was an ogre. He stopped when my mother burst out laughing and scowled at her. Then he turned back to me.
"Three, once you have secured the sword, you will travel to the Pits of Despare!" and yes he rolled the "r."
"And?"
"Four! Slay the Dragon Darkfell!"
"Wai- dragon?"
"It's a relatively small dragon." King Devon stopped and displayed the approximate size between his hands which was about 13 spits (Ralph says thats about a 12 inches).
"Dragon?"
"Five, once you have slain the Dragon, you will rescue the princess." At this point, King Devin consults his notes. "Princess Buttercup."
"Dragon?"
"With true loves kiss." King Devon actually reads this last bit.
"Dragon?"
"Pay attention."
"Dragon."

Needless to say. I don't get past Dragon for the rest of the night.
Despite everyone best efforts to the contrary.

But I digress

Hi.
I guess you have wondered where I have been?
Well the short answer is I have been a toad for the last 4 months.
Let me tell you that I will never look at flies in quite the same way.
The water was great.
What?
Oh, right- how did this happen? You remember the Witches?
Part of their barrage was as it turned out random curses. One moment. I am racing through a trench, the next I am hopping out of my clothes and armor down into the mud.
Grimm says it took a week to back track and find me.
No, I don't know how he did it. I almost asked but then I remembered the mushroom incident and opted for a sturdy slap on the back and a "good to see you girlie" instead.

Also being a toad is all fine and good but it would have helped if Grimm had brought something more than a saddle blanket. I mean it would have made a better story than having to trudge back to the castle in my birthday suit and a muddy blanket.

All Hail Muddy Princess Charlie.

My father hadn't noticed my absence.

My mother put me in a hot bath and spoon fed me her own special mava bean soup (don't ask but tastes like pizza- well that's what Ralph says...what is pizza anyway?)

LIFE!

Once upon a time the writer discovered that life could- in fact, get in the way of writing.

Meanwhile or the Problem with Witches

Meanwhile:

Here in the present, I am commander of my father's army in times of war.

We are at war.

Kind of.

Look it's complicated. 

Stonehaven is at war with witches.

Not all witches, just one coven of them.

The only problem with that is that we are not sure which coven it is.

Remember my 12th Birthday?

Oh, I hadn't gotten to that one yet.

Hang on a second, got to run through some trenches now.
Damn I hate running through trenches.
"Keep up lassie!"
That's Grimm, he's a dwarf, Rock-Biter.
He's also my Master-at-Arms. Right now I am following him through a series of trenches that have been dug since Dad's war with the witches went from this:

to this: 

Dammit, just fell in the mud. Grimm comes back and hauls me out.

"Damn girl. you are going to be the death of me." says the man who left me alone to dodge fireballs and run in zigzags while maintaining my balance (which I did not)

Ugh, I am afraid to see what I look like right now. I can feel mud in places that I don't want to think about. Why are trenches so muddy?

I am probably telling this all wrong.

What would Rikk say?

God but I hate mud.

Once upon a time, there was this weird king named Dev who wanted a son but got a daughter. When she turned 9, she made him stop referring to her as his son. Of course, it took her punching him in the gut. this is her mother's favorite story.

So, King Dev behaved himself for the next 2 birthdays and while they were not princess fests, they were less about competition and manliness. Many of the other Kings in the 9 kingdoms breathed a sigh of relief. I mean, how many archery contests can you have, anyway?

"Is this going to take long?' Grimm asks.

"Maybe- you got a hot date?"

"Not with you."

"Lucky me" I say before pushing him into some mud.

Just my luck- he looks better the uglier he gets.

Now where was I. 

Oh right, the problem with witches, believe me there are lots of them.

problems.

On her 12th Birthday, the witches came to bless the Prince. This is customary. This particular coven of witches are popularly known as The Blessed Ones (or The Cursed Ones- depending on how the birthday party goes)

There are 8 of them. 4 of them are what men would call beautiful, 3 of them are pretty and the ugly one is their leader. (No, I don't get why the ugliest one is always the leader.)

This picture is similar, just figured you might need a visual

So, the day of the big gala came and folk came from near and wide.

My father met the witches was they came striding in. 

He immediately demanded to know what gifts they would be bestowing on his son.

Yes, he forgot.

The witches took one look at me and cackled.

Again, just a visual aid.

Before I could move, I saw my mom start to run forward as my father backhanded the lead witch.

This was a first. Dad had never hit anyone before - at least as far as I knew.

In fact, he seemed as surprised as the lead witch, Malificnessa.

He looked at his hand as if it was this new sword and as a Malificnessa gaped, spun on his heel and went back by my aghast mother to his throne to sit down and further consider his hand.

Queen Sam hastily approached Malificnessa and started to apologize when the Witch shrieked.

It was very loud and disturbing.

"How dare you strike me, whelp!"

"Please, madame witch." My mother said. "He meant no-"

"Rubbish! You are the Queen of Rubbish!" Malificnessa screeched.

"You" She pointed her gnarly hand at King Dev and gestured

"You will pay most dearly for that insult."

"Do your worst crone." King Dev said all the while posing his hand this way and that as if he was modeling a new ring.

Malificnessa drew herself to her full height and turned to one of the beautiful witches.

"Curse her!"

This witch was:

No, not her- but they do look a lot alike.

This witch was called Grimelda and she was know for having a wicked sense of humor. 

With a satisfied sirk of satisfaction, she whipped out her wand and pointed it as my mother.

At my mother's stomach to be more precise.

"Expectorium Absolutea! (or something like that)" She pronounced.

There was a sudden flash and my mother cried out in pain and crumpled to the floor.

"What have you done!" King Dev shouted jumping up and racing to the queen's side. 

His bodygaurd shuffled in between the King and the witches.

Bravery was in short supply that day.

"I have Cursed you wife with infertility!" Grimelda said and then all the witches cackled.

"Damn you to the seven hells!" King Dev shouted.

"Nine hells." Ralph, the otherwise magnificent said off to my left.

"Nine?" King Dev asked.

"Nine Hells." Ralph the otherwise responded ignoring the witches.

There was laughter.

For a time, everyone stared around witches, guards, courtiers and the king.

Then I heard the laughter and it was coming from my mother.

Mom sat on the floor and laughed until her sides shook.

Things got better after that.

The witches ended up ignoring me. They debated on another curse on my father but couldn't agree on which one would be suitable and decided that if they really wanted to curse him they were going to need a stronger curse than they had ready for that occasion.

So they bit their thumbs and apparated away in puffs of smoke.

Later, after mom had finally calmed down, she told my father that the curse was useless since she had gotten another witch to curse her with infertility over 7 years ago.

My father stormed. 

My mother calmly thanked our guests,

and the guests left as well (there was some thumb biting there too)

When everyone had gone, my father demanded an explanation.

Queen Sam nodded at him then walked over to where I sat on the dias (throne) and sat down next to me.

"You are a stupid, arrogant man." She said. "I love you, the stars only know why."

He opened his mouth to speak and Queen Sam held up one finger.

"You have acted like such an ass where our daughter is concerned that I decided if I were to bear you a son, you would forget you even had a daughter- who loves you as well."

"So this is not a joke then?" Dad said dropping down on a bench.

"No and don't you dare do something else stupid."

"I won't."

He did.

A year later, King Devlin issued a proclamation against all witches and he turned out every witch his men could find.

Ironically there were eight of them.

They were not the same witches, but it didn't matter.

Also ironically, Mom conceived and had my brother nine months after that.

And then 5 years later. 

The 8 Cursed Ones returned and declared war on Stone Haven and cursed my father with warts.

Right now, I don't know if the warts were the actual curse or just an afterthought.

It blows my mind, that it took 8 witches that long to get the spell components to cast a curse.

Witches are not to be trifled with.

Well, I got to run, another barrage is coming.

So What happened next?

"I was coming to that."
"Are you sure you are not Welsh?"
"Shut up and stop trying to kiss me."
"This is way better then the beating I just received."
"Sorry, just wish you would get to the good parts."
"I had been around a pretty long time before you came into the picture. It's not like we are like Rapunzel and Flynn (or whatever his real name was.) Anyway, Zel says she really liked Flynn better than Eugene... well except when she gets to call him Genie."
"Flynn is a good name, almost as good as mine."
"Shush. This isn't about you anyway- not yet."
"MMMRPH."

So where was I?
(you were 29 looking back at 9)
I did not transform into a princess overnight.... actually not at all.
for one thing I have never worn a dress in my life.
Sorry Merida, but I never had to. Unlike your mom and many of the other Queen Mothers in the 9 kingdoms (yes there are more but Dev and his fellow kings liked the sound of nine)


I only met Merida after she was quite a bit older, sometimes it's hard to imagine us all living in the same world, but as Ralph has said the world is a big place that is filled with many people, each with their own stories. One of the reasons, I bring up Merida is that she had her own kind of beauty.
In the end, it was her finding her own beauty that changed her story.
I find it odd, sometimes, that more of this did not occur to me as I grew older.
I wish I could say that I became an inspiration to the young girls of the Kingdom but the truth was that i never really stopped being a boy. It was ingrained into my psyche. I knew I was a girl and when I confronted my mother the morning following my 9th birthday, she just gathered me into her arms and laughed.
I did not realize how strange my mother was until I got to know some of the other queen mothers. Sam was the odd one out. She wasn't a great beauty, by comparison she was rather plain. Her face might have launched only my father's row boat, but like most daughters, I was in awe of her beauty.
It was her easy going personality and slow determination to make our kingdom more civil towards its citizens that won over the hearts of everyone where Sam was concerned. One thing said that would have to change now was that I was to call her Mom from then on.
It's funny, but at nine years old this made perfect sense. I nodded very seriously and said.
"Mom."
That was the closest I ever saw my mother come to crying until many years later.
It would have been a "Hallmark Moment" (something Ralph the Mighty says a lot), but then King Dev walked in.
"Morning Sam, Charles. How is my brand new boy today?"
"I am a girl." I said looking at him.
King Dev frowned at me and then looked at Mom.
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"No dear," Mom said (see I can call her Mom). "Your daughter has discovered that she is, in fact, a girl not a boy after all."
"If this is a joke- it's in very bad taste Sam." King Dev sat down at the breakfast table and took a bit of toast.
"King Dev- the charade is over. You are going to have to face facts." Mom said standing, she walked across the sunlit chamber to the table and took the buttered toast from her husband.
"Don't say it." sputtered Dev as he tried in vain to snatch back the toast. Mom was just to fast for him. "If you say it I-"
"You will what?'
"I- I will exile you to the North Tower." King Dev pronounced and held out his hand triumphantly.
Sam ate the rest of the toast, slowly, to the horror of my father.
It was Mom's first major act of defiance.
Mom finished and then licked her fingers and wiped them on her dress.
King Dev's eyes went wide. Sam had never done such an act of flagrant disregard for her clothing.
"Hmmm, the North Tower is better then this one." Mom said returning to her seat. "Especially since you just had it redone this year."
King Dev opened his mouth a few times and then close it.
I walked over to him. He stood and looked down at me with his most imperious stare.
"Son." he said with grim determination.
I punched him in the gut.
He crumpled over and took several deep gulps before looking at me.
I waited tapping my foot.
"Daughter..?"
I smiled broadly and tiptoed to kiss him on his forehead.

So, there you have it. well some more of it.

"So what happened next?"

"You mean other than growing up and meeting you?"

"That was kind of where I am headed."

"Well- I became this awesome warrior and Knight and then I rescued you from your certain doom."

"Well, that is one way of putting it, I guess."

 "I figure that you are going much further into dangerous territory than that."

"Yes. Yes I am going to have to ask it again."

"Shut up and kiss me."

"I was coming to that."