But I digress....

People may have thought I died or lied about dying (which I did)
The truth is stranger than fiction. My writer decided that writing poetry was more important than continuing this story for a farking month!
But I digress (glares up at the writer) {yes, I am glaring at you, deal with it}
Now I am a frog....
Hang on. (you think this is funny?)
Now I am on a frog...
sighs (really mature)
The problem with a fairy tale is there is this unseen narrator who tells my story. He has his own life and troubles and occasionally remembers mine. He tells me he's lonely and I tell him that he has me.
He tells me sometimes it's not enough.
I cry (Hey!)
I feel bad (better) for him and we agree that we will do better in the future
Then a week goes by and I figure out that my magic book has not recorded a single thing.
(narrators!)

I am not dead, nor am I a frog or on a frog or a cat.
I am not a cat
I am (stop it, okay that was a little funny)
I am walking down the road with Ismie and she is giving me this weird look.
"How long have we been walking down this road?" she asks.
"I think we've been walking for at least a month."
"Oh."
"It's the narrator, he got distracted."
Ismie gives me a long look. Stops then looks around, we are maybe ten paces from the Parasite Inn and about 200 paces from the jailhouse.
"Well tell him to get on with it. I have my own fairytale to get back to."
"He can hear you."
"Right. He is kind of cute. I like his tee shirt." Ismie pushes a toe into the dirt and blinks up at the sky bashfully.
She's adorable. I wonder if that would work for me.
"No, not really," Ismie says then takes my arm.
"Can you see the narrator?"
"You can't?"
"Uh-" I look around. "Nope."
"But you just glared up at him a second or two ago."
"Well, I just assume he's up there somewhere mocking me like an angry god."
"This is why bad things happen to you." Ismie gives me a hug. "Besides, he's over there."
"Over where?"
"Oh, right. Not there," Ismie points at an empty field. "He's over there just beyond the fourth wall."
"Oh, Now I totally don't see that at all," I reply staring harder at the empty field.
"I guess you have to be a witch," Ismie says then looks thoughtful.
"I guess."
The two very beautiful women walk on down the road towards the jailhouse.
"See?" Ismie says "he susceptible to the charms of a witch."
"Right."
Sometimes I wonder if I am in the right Fairytale.

The other version of the story was better

The Parasite Inn Barkeep appears at our table.
"I know you."
Ismie looks up in surprise, then she shrugs.
"Of course you know me," Ismie replies.
"No, I know you!" and then he points at me.
"I was in here a couple of nights ago," I said. I give him my best smile.
"You're trouble." He says.
I shuffle nervously. I glance at Ismie.
"It wasn't my fault, I tried to warn them, but the dwarf, the ogre, the prince, the-the ogre's wife she-"
"Nah, I like the other version better," the barkeep announces and cracks a big toothy smile.
I gawk?
Gape?
"I like the other version better as well," Ismie says.
I glance at her and try to discreetly shake my head.
"What other version?" The reassembled gnome Sprogsgutt asks.
Dammit.
"Where's the harm in that?" Ismie says and pokes me in the ribs.
So I jumped.
Ismie laughs.
The Barkeep laughs.
I find myself standing with a lute in my hands on a stage I didn't realize was even there. A spotlight falls on me.
Before I can form a coherent thought to protest, I strum the lute, then sing.
"Well, I'll tell ya!"
No, no, no, no, no, no!
"I love this bar."
Tobias Keith hates me.
I mean if I knew who Tobias Keith was, he'd hate me.
"No!" The Barkeep yells. "The other song!"
Nuts.
"I'm not as good as I once was?"
"That's the one!" The Barkeep yells.
Nuts.
Then Anne the waitress pops up at my side.

Me: "She said-"

Anne: "I've seen you in here before."

Me:"I've been in here a time or three!"

Anne:"Hello my name is Princess Trinity.
meet my sisters Joela and Bethany.
We're all feeling kind of bored tonight
and you're the only knight in this place
if you're up for a rescue, then we can put a big
fairy tale reward on your face!"

Me: "This in not going to end well."

Anne: "That's not the song."

There's a growl from the bar.

Me: "Lady! I might be wrong!
but I am not as good as I once was
I am going to need some more beer now
not long ago I was having a good time
I am not committing another crime!"

Anne stops looks at the barkeep, gives a shrug before slipping off the stage.
I take a deep sigh of relief, I can now escape.
The Ismie sweeps me off my feet and sings.

Ismie: "I could put my enemies down low
I could say them words real slow
I can probably love you all tonight
I might be brave enough
I am not as good as I once was
but I am evil when the going gets tough."

I am caught somewhere between blushing and screaming in abject betrayal.

There is applause.
Ismie, not you too.

Me: "I still hang out at this bar with my pal Ismie.
I've known her since we turned me into a from last summer.
Little did I know that it would be such a bummer."

Ismie: "Last night we had a few drinks,
got into a fight based on matrimonial demands!

Me:"Then things just got way out of hand!

Ismie: "I just had a great idea!"

Me: "Is this part of the song?"

Ismie: "I'm not as good as I once was,
but I can still spin a spell or two,
I'm sorry about the whole frog thing,
besides, that wasn't me, it was Witch Matilda Bleu!"

Me: "I'm listening, tell me true!"

Ismie: "Do you trust me, Charlie?"
Me: "Are we still singing?"
Ismie: "We can if you still want to."
Me: "The Crowd is getting ugly."
Ismie: "Hang on, I've got it all well in hand."
Me: "Could we just leave it to the backup band?"

Ismie: "Well, I am not as evil as I once was,
I could have toasted this place,
I would have roasted that guy's face!
My how the years have flown
done it all in a silken ballroom gown,
I could really hold my own!
But if they really want a song tonight
they aren't getting it without a barroom
fight.
Now quick as a cat let's get out of sight!"

and then we turned invisible.
All hell broke loose, chairs are flying, table smashing. At one point Anne, the cute waitress comes by wailing away at Sproggsgutt with a frying pan. shards of ceramic gnome are flying in all directions. There are elves fighting orcs, there are dwarves fighting elves, there are orcs fighting each other.
Ismie is sitting in her chair next to me laughing into her hands trying and succeeding at not making a noise. I am ducking around next to her as the chaos continues.
"When did all these people show up?"
Ismie considers for a long moment.
"I think it was in the middle of the second verse.

Then Duke Ivan's men charge in and arrest everyone in sight.
We remain invisible.

After they all are gone, we reappear.
"Well, that went well, don't you think?"
"I dunno...."
Ismie pats me on the arm.
"Let's go turn ourselves into the Duke Ivan the Horrendous."
"Horrible."
"I know it's horrible, I was just being facetious," Ismie says.
"I know, I just think that's a horrible idea."
"You worry too much."
"It's because I am not a witch, I guess."
"True but we can fix that."
Ismie smiles at me so sweetly that I get chills.


"I like the other version better," the barkeep says as we walk out into the night.

"What version is tha-" Sprogsgutt asks as the door swings shut.
"You know it's good to be a witch," Ismie says taking my arm.
I am afraid to ask.
"You shouldn't be afraid, my lovey."
Well, I am.
"I am going to take such good care of you."
Help!
Ismie laughs as we walk into the moonrise.

"Charlie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Roll Curtain.




"We are just going to the jailhouse, right?"
"Oh, we will get there eventually.

The Trouble with Witches

We look for a nice table in the Parasite Inn.
Rather, the patrons spot Ismie (I mean she does stand out) and scatter in a semi-fluid not really constrained manner abandoning most of the tables in the room, just in case, she chooses the one where they were sitting. Ismie watches this with some amusement.
"Is this normal?" I ask.
"Yup," Ismie says. "Ever since I first said I was a witch, most everyone who has heard it scatters as if I am a loose wand shooting spells all willy nilly."
"Ah."
Ismie walks through the abandoned tables, ignoring them until she reaches an empty corner.  We pause in the alcove.
Ismie whips out her wand.
The room goes into panic mode as the patrons flee in all directions, out windows, under tables, over the bar, up the stairs, into the ladies room.
"Dinerosa," Ismie whispers and with a pop a nice table and two chairs appears in the alcove. The table has a tablecloth with blue stars on a black backdrop, white china and slim wine glasses, utensils made of white pearl and pepper and salt shakers made to look like gnomes.
"Have a seat," Ismie says as she slides into the other one, she snaps her fingers in the air.
I sit down opposite her, my back to the wall, she is against the other wall and the Inn is to my left. I am struck again by her beauty.
"Thanks, that's really nice of you to keep saying that," Ismie says.
I blush and feel my heart do tiny flip flops.
"It happens. I like being with you too, I mean you are a sweet kid, a lot like your dad....I mean-" Ismie says, looks guiltily at her hands before whispering "whoops."
I gawk at her caught between fear, surprise and a certain dread that I know what she just really said.
"Any chance we could just forget I said that?" She ventures.
"You hate my father," I say, but I already know something is wrong with the statement.
"I don't hate Devin. He's an idiot, for sure, I might dislike him for the way he goes on with your mother, Saran," Ismie takes a deep breath, snaps her fingers again, looks across the bar, wave her wand. The wine arrives in 2 counts and is poured and the waitress disappears as fast as she appeared.
"Devin, I mean dad, is not my real father....the gnome Sprogsgu- was telling the truth," I say slowly.
Ismie gulps down the wine makes a face, taps the glass with her wand twice before tossing back the whole glass. She looks a bit sick and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry Charlie. I guess I may be as bad as Sprogsgutton when it comes to confidences."
"Wait that Gnome's name is Sprogsgutton?"
"Finally!" The gnome practically screams it from under the table.
We both look under the table to find Sprogsgutton there with both hands clamped over his mouth.
Sprogsgutton nods, still holding his hands over his mouth and scampers for the door, his new weasel tail swishing behind him.
I feel sick. I take a sip of the wine.
Ismie puts her hand on mine. It is oddly comforting. I should be angry.
"It's good that you aren't," Ismie says. "I mean you probably would have figured it out eventually."
"Is Queen Sam-" I choke on a sudden rush of fear.
"She is," Ismie says squeezing my hand, I feel better.
"Then..... Devin isn't- I mean that means Ralph is my-"
"Well, not exactly," Ismie says. She drinks more wine. "Sheesh, this is harder than it looks."
"So, Ralph isn't my father then who is?" I say, but I know that Ralph is.
"Ralph is technically your dad," Ismie starts then stops then laughs. "This is the trouble with witches."
"Ralph's a wizard.... isn't he?"
Ismie stops, opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again.
"It's complicated by magic and science." She finally says.
"What?"
Ismie looks over at the rest of the bar, everyone is studiously not listening to every word we have said.
"Stupify!" Ismie yells and the entire inn flees out the windows and doors.
"Did you just cast a spell?" I ask watching the rapid retreat.
"Did it look like a spell?" Ismie says pocketing her wand.
"Nope," Prince Charlie, magical expert.
"Well, they thought it was a spell," Ismie says.

A pregnant silence follows.

"Hmph, that's a word Ralph would use," Ismie says. "Look, Charlie, it's like this. Your dad, Devin was shooting blanks and Saran asked Ralph for help and he asked me since Wizards are bad with babies."
"Shooting blanks....?" I struggle to imagine Devin shooting anything.
Ismie stops, opens her mouth then closes it.
"Oh," I say. "The Birds and the Rabbits speech." I slap my forehead. I got that speech about 5 times from 4 different people at 5 different times.... none of which made sense. I later went to Ralph who gave me a book that made even less sense. In the end, Queen Sam explained it to me.
"Dad's is infertile?" I ask.
"He was, at the time," Ismie said. "No one knew it. I found out after an old Hag by the name of Malificnessa let it slip one night after a few drinks that Devin's Dad Kevin had insulted her Mother Magnifica and that Mag had curse Devin's family line with impotence for the insult. Malificnessa then said that her mom wasn't the best at curses and screwed up the curse but the end result was still sterility, so no one fixed it."
"I have a Grandfather?"
"Technically he's not your grandfather," Ismie says. "Technically he's an Oak Tree in the courtyard."
"Oh," I say, "You mean the one with the swing."
"That would be the one," Ismie says.
That's the trouble with witches, they seldom really forgive anyone.
"We do forgive but it does help if there is an apology."

"Anyway, I told Ralph who told your Mom and we came up with a plan to give King Devin a child."
So I am a child of Magic.
"Well, artificial insemination," Ismie adds.
"Artificial insemi- what?"
"Magic," Ismie says. "I had no other idea what it was before I cast it either, only Ralph does.
"And my brother?"
"Well, he is really Devin's child," Ismie says. "Those curses traded at your twelfth birthday had side effects."
"Oh," Because this somehow makes sense.
"I'm assuming that-" Ismie says. "I wasn't there, but given the accuracy of spell casting anything is suspect."
"So I am Ralph's Brat Kid after all."

"Told you so."
I punch Sprogsgutton in the nose without even looking at him.
"I'm sorry!" he screams as he flies across the room.
Ismie watches him go.
"I hate Gnomes."
"That makes two of us," Ismie says.

"Uh, a couple of things, Charlie?" Ismie says after Sprogsgutton hits the wall and shatters into several hundred ceramic pieces.
"Yeah?' I say, not surprised that Ismie would recurse the gnome at this point.
"Devin doesn't know." Ismie sighs. "So, if you corner Ralph over this, it would be nice not to do it in earshot."
"I wasn't going to tell my father anything."
We watch the Garden Gnome put himself back together.
"Ralph on the other hand-"
"I have a thing for Ralph if you haven't noticed," Ismie says, "So please don't be too hard on him."
"I am not going to kill him," I say, "He is my father, technically speaking."
"You did punch King Dev in the gut," Ismie says.
"So, I could punch Ralph in the gut. That would be allowed?"
"I would advise against it. You don't want trouble with Wizards, even the ones who are your father."
"Good point."

Mimosas and the talk of Witches.

Following the Pancakes, we sit back with our a pair of Mimosas, a drink of crush Oranges mixed with the elixir of trampled spirits. I have to say that while troll cuisine involves painful references, it tastes great. We both watch the flight of the gnome from Spot, Larry's dog.
The gnome is quite agile.
Spot, is, well, dogged in his pursuit of pancake goodness.
"I hate you!" the gnome screams each time he runs past the patio. There is less pancake and syrup on him each time.
"You know, you should talk to Ismie," Larry says after a while.
"You mean the witch who has a habit of turning hapless idiots into various inconvenient forms?"
I say, thinking Larry must be joking. "Witches turn Prince's into frogs."
"Only if they deserve it," Larry remarks as Srogsgu- races by for the fifth time.
"It's not Sprogsgu-!" the gnome screams at me, he suddenly stops, points a stubby finger at me. "My name is is really Sprogsgu-" as the dog chomps down on his head and carries him off for a good licking (as it turns out).
"I didn't deserve to get turned into a frog," I remark.
"That's couldn't have been Ismie," Larry says as the slurping commences from the bushes. "It's not her style."
I shrug, the memories of being a frog are still fresh and uncomfortable.
"It does sound like Callendra though," Larry says. "That old hag has no sense of humor."
For some reason, I feel better.
I nod.
"Sounds like her." Larry muses. "You must be the unfortunate son of King Devon, then?"
I must look shocked.
Larry laughs.
I look confused.
"Trolls work for Witches from time to time. It's how I met Ismie, actually- during that whole Wizard War debacle. I was out dodging wizard spells and ended up having tea with her while hiding in a trench. She told me about your dad and Ralph the semi-stupendous and how you are a  girl but your dad wanted a son and all that."
Wow.
"Also Ismie has a thing for Ralph- even though, at the time he was trying to kill her."
Double wow.
"Magic-users are that way about love, they tell me," Larry says and gets us another Mimosa.
"Anyway, I suspect that Ismie would like you," Larry continues, "I doubt she will turn you into anything."
Very reassuring.
"It's what I do," Larry says.

So there you have it.
An hour later, I find myself standing back in front of the Parasite Inn.

"You could cut your losses and take me back to Stonehaven with you, instead."
I look down.
There is a much cleaner gnome looking up at me.
Sprogsgu- smiles up at me.
I reconsider my choices.
"Actually my name isn't Sprogsgu-. It's Sprogsgu-!"
I didn't kick him. I swear.
"Oh look it's the Garden Gnome."
Ismie looks down at the petrified Gnome.
"Have you learned your lesson?" She asks so sweetly you can hear Sprogsgu-'s teeth chattering in terror.
I look at Ismie who just suddenly popped out of thin air.
"Close your mouth dear, " Ismie smiles, she is so beautiful with her perfect green hair, green eyes, green skin, perfect figure and purple hat and dress I want to cry or giggle or both.
"What a nice thing to say about me," Ismie says. "Shall we go in for a bite?'
We leave the petrified Gnome on the stoop. I glance back at him as we go in.
"Oh, he'll thaw out in a day or two," Ismie says as she takes me by the arm.
She smells great, like soap and fresh sugar cookies.

The Secret Art of Pancakes.

So the secret art of Pancakes is to use crushed flour from a beaten wheat.
I have to say I was disappointed until I asked what a beaten wheat was.
Who knew Wheat was that vile and fleet of foot, here I just thought it was grass- lots, and lots of grass.
Larry serves a stack of them for me, complete with fresh butter from a terrified cow, topped with sweet maple syrup from a strangled tree. Trolls just have a way with food preparation that humans have completely missed.
We eat, the gnome slips back onto the porch to beg for table scraps.
"Please don't kick me anymore."
I ignore him.
"Don't look at me," Larry says around a mouthful the offers me some freshly trampled Orange Juice.
"Thanks."
The gnome reaches for a plate. Larry growls. the gnome snatches his hand away.
"My name is Sprogsgu-"
Larry drops a pancake on his head.
"Thanks," the gnome Sprogsu- says. My name is actually Sprogsgu-"
Larry drops a large pat of butter on him.
"Drammist!" Sprogsgu- sighs, my names is Sprogsgu-"
Larry pours the syrup all over Sprogsgu-.
"Are you happy now?" Sprogsgu- asks.
"Almost," Larry says and whistles.
"Trolls." Sprogsgu- says "This is not funny!" the gnome attempts to wipe some of the syrup off his face. He stops to eat it, then pauses. "Why did you whistle?"
The answer comes in the form of a woof.
"Woof!"
"I think we got that part." The gnome glares at me, then over at the horse sized dog that gallops around the corner.
"I really hate you too." He says before running off with the pancake.

Drinks at dusk, Long Island Tea on the patio.

Well, at least today wasn't a complete loss.

"So there's no treasure?" I say and take a sip of the Long Island Tea. I haven't ever had tea that made me want to sigh, giggle and burp at the same time. It's good. I might get drunk.

"Nope." The troll says, his name is Larry. He's kind of nice once you get off his grass.
"I spent the whole thing on this house, the lawn and that garden gnome and his friends."

I pick up the Garden Gnome's head. I consider it.
"He has friends?"

"Yeah, they conned me into buying them, said it would be good for the lawn and the house, give it a civilized look," Larry says then takes a long draw on his tea. "Instead, as soon as I paid them, they skipped town right after paralyzing this twit on my lawn."

We're sitting on the patio at the back of the house/cottage. There's even more lawn back here. I can make out a cave . I point at it.

"Yeah, the family hole. very cramped and uncomfortable, wife would have none of it. so I cashed in the family loot after a pesky prince tried to take it and got the house and lawn from this traveling witch name Ismie- she was nice, but I wish she had warned me about the gnomes. " Larry glares at the Garden Gnome head in my hand.

Ismie....could this be Ralph's love interest?

"Uh." Me, I am the queen of glib speech.

"Yeah?" Larry says.

"Your wife is in the Duke's jail- along with that pesky prince and my friends."

"Figures." Larry replies then drains his glass. looks at my half drunk one, shrugs his massive shoulders and grabs the Tea Pitcher- which is larger than my whole body. He refills his glass, takes a sip, leans back in his patio chair- something he calls an Ironback Lounger. It's a massive wooden contraption that is half chair, half bed. He looks wistfully out at the cave fo a time.

"Did she ask about me?" There's a pain in that voice.

I consider lying.

"Heck no, she thinks you are a boring pile of Troll Poooooooooooooo-" The gnome head yells in my hand right up to the point I throw it over the lawn into the woods. "Fuck yoooouuu." The Garden Gnome head hits a trunk and shatters into many pieces.

"Thanks," Larry says.

"No problem," I reply, then take a deep breath, release it and drink deeply. The tea goes straight to my head. "No she didn't - but she- dammit, I didn't know she was a she since I am so woefully ignorant of what trolls look like-" I try to make my mouth shut. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't sweat it," Larry says smiling. "Karen looks like a man troll because she told Ismie to go to hell when she learned all that I had spent all the money on the house and lawn- apparently, Karen thought that Ismie's price was too high. Karen called her a hag."

I laugh at this because I have seen Ismie and a had she is definitely not a hag.

"Well, Ismie turned Karen into a man troll for that....I feel kind of bad since I hadn't told Karen about the Garden Gnome thing," Larry shrugs. "Ismie told me the man curse would wear off eventually."

"Ouch," I say then take a long drink remembering how long I had been a frog not too long ago. I wonder if that had been Ismie's doing but then I remember that witch had been a hag.... her name was Callendra or something.

"Anywho," Larry says leaning back. "Karen took to going to the Parasite Inn after that. I think she was planning to get revenge since Ismie drinks there from time to time."

We watch the seagulls flying in the evening sky. We drink more Long Island Tea. The sun sets.

I wake up in the chair with a blanket draped over me.
The Garden Gnome, completely intact is sitting on my knee doing his nails.

I almost scream.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I grab him, readying to throw him back into the woods.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I freeze in place. the Garden Gnome feel soft and cottony definitely not porcelain.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I put him down and look at him closely.

He looks at me indignantly, straightens his coat and sits back down on the chair.

"You're different," I say.

"Well, aren't you the sharpest stick in the bushel," he snips out.

I grab him by the throat and get ready to hurl him.

"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.

I wait.

"I'm sorry," the Garden Gnome says, he is a lot less aerodynamic now. "Old habits are hard to break."

I put him down.

"I was going to thank you for breaking the curse place on my by that bastard Robert the semi stupendous."

"You mean Ralph." I say.

"Of course, Ralph," The Garden Gnome says. "What did I say?"

"Robert."

"Ah," he says. "Look- it doesn't matter- I might have deserved it. I am a gnome anyway."

"You're a Garden Gnome."

"Not anymore." he says, he stops and starts laughing.

I crack my knuckles, he stops, looks at me nervously.

"You thought Garden Gnomes were a race of gnomes?"

I nod.

"Nah, it's a curse that magic users place on regular Gnomes." That would explain why I instantly hated him.

"What did you do to get cursed anyway?" I ask.

"I called his girlfriend a cow." the gnome says. "I might have also called his kid a filthy rat."

His kid? Ralph has kids. This just keeps getting better...is Ismie the mother?

"His kid?" I say, my mind racing.

"Yeah, there was this brat always hanging around asking pesky questions, apparently Ralph called her after a boy, what a yutz! Anyway, I am grateful to you for breaking the curse, my name is Sprogsgu- ack." He says the ack as I have grabbed him by the throat. Sprogsgu- looks at me wide eyed.

"I am that kid." I snarl before pitching him up in the air and then drop kicking him into the woods.

"I'm sorrrrrrryyyyyyy." Sprogsgu yells as he sails across the lawn. There's a satisfying thud and a crash.

"Gnome Punting," Larry says from the back door. "It's a sport in Stone Haven, they tell me."

I look over at Larry the troll. I smile, he smiles.

"Pancakes?"

Once upon a time...who am I kidding?

My life is not like a fairy tale. It is a fairy tale.
Now I have to go trick a troll out of his money, in order to bail out all of my friends and compatriots and Prince Slime-ball.
On the upside, My diary tells me we are getting an upgrade. Not sure what that means, but it's got to be good.
The troll's cave turns out to be a nice looking cottage nestled by the sea.
"That's not a troll cave."
"I didn't ask you."
"Fine, just ignore me."
"You're a garden gnome."
"Excuse me I am a  Garden Gnome!" The idiot in the little red cap says, indignantly. "It all caps you Gopher loving pothole!"
I look down where he is stands, holding out a sign that says "Troll Cave."
He looks at the sign and shrugs.
"It's still not a troll cave." he says and sticks out his tongue at me.
I grab his tongue and pull him up to eye level.
"Gack Gweek Gnock Ack!" the Garden Gnome screams.
"Let me explain how I feel about Gnomes." I then snap my hand like a whip and watch with much satisfaction as the little idiot jerks around in the air. I let go and he sails he over heels over the garden hedge, all tongue and spittle and sign.
"RaCwist Pwig!" He screams before there is a crash.

"What the Heck is going on here!" A very large ugly man emerges from the cottage's front door. He stands about 18 hands tall, is apparently wearing what Ralph calls a "house coat" - floral pattern and all- also, something Ralph calls "Flip Flops" but I call silly looking sandals. a dirty white shirt, a pair of short pantaloons that Ralph calls "Bermudas." He's unshaven and Fuke, it's the troll.
He looks at me, I look at him. The Garden Gnome runs out with the sign with a small cudgel. I step forward and say
"Your wife is in Jail."
The Garden Gnome shrieks in terror and runs in the opposite direction.
I freeze in place and the Troll starts screaming.
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"

I step back.
He immediately calms down.
Trolls are whack.
"Hey, if you knew how long it takes to have a well-manicured lawn." The troll says. "Then you'd yell too."
You might be wondering how he knows what I am narrating.
You might be like, How do all my foes know what I write in my magic diary.
Well, I will tell you.
It's-
"because we are usually having it read to us afterwards." The troll says. "I mean, other than being degrading, I am somewhat impressed that you care to try to get it correct."

Confused?
It happens. I kind of skipped ahead of myself.
I step back, the troll calms down. I scream "Bloody Murder." Draw my sword and charge onto the lawn at full sprint making sure to dig my heels in order to tear hunks of turf up in my wake. The troll bellows "Damned Humans!" Grabs his hedge trimmers and charges. I cut his hedge in half. Also, chop off the Garden Gnome's head since he was hiding in the hedge. The troll lunges forward to pick up the remains of his hedge and the torn up turf. The Troll begins to weep.
I get ready to behead him.
He looks at me, a big bit of snot hanging from his nose.
"How can you be so inhumane?"
"Dammit."
"What?"
"I thought we were supposed to be mortal enemies."
"Oh."
"I thought you were going to say something like I'm gonna grind up your bones for suet."
"That's not how you make suet." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
I sit down on the troll's stoop.
"Would it help if I said I am sorry?"
"It might."
"Okay, I am sorry."
"I forgive you." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
"I hate gnomes," I reply as I get up and kick the Garden Gnomes head like a ball.
"Fuck You!" The head screams as it rolls away across the lawn.
"What did that mean?" I say.
"What?" The troll says as he crawls around pushing the torn turf back down into his lawn.
"Fuck?"
"Now sure, maybe it has something to do with gardening," the troll says as he continues.
"Oh." Note to self: Corner Ralph and make him talk.
"Who's Ralph?" The troll asks.

This is why nothing ever goes as planned.
"That was a plan?" The beheaded Garden Gnome says.

Arrgh!

In the Jailhouse Now...

"I had a friend named Raidin' Rob
Who used to be a gregarious slob
He thought he was the toughest guy around
Well I found out last night
That Rob got into another fight
Now he's in the Duke's jail downtown."

"By the tears of Bertha! Would someone knock this idiot out?"

I am not the one singing. That's Jane. She's in jail.
I know, surprising, one would have never guessed she had it in her to laugh at the judge and call him a pencil pushing buerocrat rat.

"I went out last Tuesday I met a girl named Lulumay
I said I was the swellest guy around
We started to spendin' my money
And she started to call me honey
We took in every cabaret in town
We're in the jailhouse now-"

"Would somebody shut her up! Please!"

I can say this for my Jane. She sure can sing.

Turns out that the Parasite Inn belongs to a certain Duke named Ivan the Horrendous.
Duke Ivan the Horrifying has a Jail as well as an Inn. 
Duke Ivan the Hospitable is making money hand over fist on bail and fines to get out of his jail. 
Duke Ivan is 16. He's a petulant teenager.
How does this kind of thing happen?

"We're in the jailhouse now
Well I told that Duke right to his face
I don't like to see this place
We're in the jailhouse now."

"For the love of Stovelkor! Shut up!"

That's Grimm who probably has a hangover.

Duke Ivan has no sense of humor.

Duke Ivan has a small army of thugs- I mean gaurds who make regular rounds at the Parasite Inn to collect drunks and brawlers as they stumble out of the bar in the morning. This morning they collected Alex, Wilks, Luke, Grimm, Max, Jane, Metasprocket, Prince Charmin, his men, 6 orcs, 4 gnolls, 5 goblins, 2 elves and a troll.

You might ask where I was at the point of the arrest?

I was bravely shielding the waitress in the lady's rooms in the back.

"You were hiding in the stall telling Anne to be quiet."

Oh, I forgot, the bartender is there as well.

"Dobby like to play poker, pinochle, whist, and euchre

But shooting dice was his favorite game

Well he got throw'd in jail, with nobody to go his bail

The Duke done said that he refused a fine

He's in the jailhouse now he's in the jailhouse now."

"If someone doesn't shut her piehole I am gonna kill her!"

I kept Anne out of Jail. You can guess what comes next?

Bail.

Yep, I got to bail all these idiots out.

Which is great, save that I have no money.

Anne has 5 gold in tips.

The Bartender whose name I forget.

"It's Frank."

Whose name I want to forget.

"Dammit, that's not funny"

Won't lend me the money.

"Stop it."

"Well I told him once or twice 

stop playin' cards and shootin' dice
He's in the jailhouse now-

He's in the jailhou-mmmpf."

Max has just kissed Jane.

I might have to kill them both.

"Excuse, my lady- I mean your highness - uh I mean..."

Well look who's talking to me now, it's mister Prince Charming! The guy who totally didn't rescue us. He's in the Jailhouse now.

"They know that already, you mentioned me two verses ago."

Dammit.

"What do you want?"

"Well, I can't help but notice that you might be needing some cash." 

"I'm listening Prince Charming."

"My name is Prince Petrius the third."

"Maybe if you'd stop to introduce yourself wither time we met so far, I would have known that."

"My apologies, uh-" Prince Petrified stumbles to find some honorific to call me.

"Petrius!" He huffs.

"I most certainly do not huff!"

"Your grace?" The Man-at-Arms interjects.

"Yes?" Prince Petrius turns to look at his Man-at-Arms. "What is it Sargent?"

"If I may be so bold, I would suggest calling her Prince Charlie." 

Petrius looks from the Sargent to me incredously.

"But she is a woman, there's no way she's a legitimate Prince." He squints at me, "Aren't you a princess."

"Ahem."

"What is it Sargent?"

"If I may be so bold sir. She's King Devon's only son- I mean that's what the good King Devon calls her anyway." The Sargent looks embarrassed.

"Well that would explain the confusion." Prince Petrified replies. "Hey, it's Petrius!"

"Not anymore." I say. Prince Petty Pants huffs.

"That's just mean," he glowers at me through the bars.

"Please Ma'am," The Sargent asks. "You must forgive his highness, he actually hates his name."

"I do not." Prince Petty Pants retorts.

"He would really like to be called Hal instead."

"That name's already taken by Prince Hal." I say. I know Prince Hal.

"Prince Hal isn't really his name." The Sargent says. "His real name is Norbert."

"How do you know that?" I ask. 

"I have worked as a Master-at-Arms for several kingdoms over the last few years."

"Why so many?" I ask, although I suspect I already know.

"Tempermental fathers."

"Ah."

"MMMMPF!" 

Max is STILL KISSING JANE.

"Okay, where is this money!" I yell trying not to punch the gaurd so I can get thrown in jail to strangle Max.

"No need to yell." Prince Wannabe Hal says.

I reach through the bars, grab him by the shirt and slam him into the bars.

"I am not yelling!" I yell.

"Help?" He cries.

One of the Jail gaurds comes over, looks at me, then shrugs.

"Cut that out." he says. "We will get around to roughing him up later."

"Well?" I yell.

"it's in a cave by the sea, guarded by a troll and his wife!" Prince Hal Wannabe squeaks.

I look at the troll. I look at Prince Petrius. I laugh. He looks back at me. I let him go.

"What's so funny?" he asks after a moment to straighten his shirt.

"The troll is in jail with you." I say. This is going to be a cake walk.

"That's his wife, you dolt." Prince I am never letting him out of jail says. "haven't you ever seen a troll female before?"

"No." I say peering at the Troll.

The troll glares back at me.

"You racist sexist pig!" the Troll wife says and spits. the spit hits Prince Not Hal in the back of the head.

Sploosh.

There's a lot of spit.

Prince Not Hal's hand grabs the back of his soaking head and comes away with the slime. He faints immediately.

It is very disgusting.

"Hey, I thought trolls turned to stone in daylight." I muse.

"If I may be so bold?" The Sargent says. I nod. "Only male trolls get stoned in daylight, not the females."

"Oh." I say. well I will just go into the cave during the day....no, wait a minute.

"What do you mean get stoned?"

"Ah, sorry," the sargent says. "Sunlight makes the trolls high."

"As in, like drunk?" I ask.

"Ah yes, I guess you could say that."

"This is Fuking great." I say.

"Good luck?" The sargent says. he does not look hopeful that I will return alive.

"The Duke done said that he refused a fine
you're just gonna have to beg and whine
I told him once or twice stop telling lies or you're gonna get iced
He's in the jailhouse now-"

An elf runs up and hands me a note.

I read it.

Dear sir or madam: stop using our song.

yours: the Soggy Bottom Boys.

credit: the Soggy Bottom Boys who hopefully have a good sense of humor about this kind of thing.

Once upon a web site

I have neglected Charlie and Max and Jane.
I am sorry.
I have been having web site/hosting issues.
I am curious whether I want Charlie to end up with Max or Jane
(which is kind of insane)
No, Grimm is going to be okay.
I can't really make any promises about Alex, Wilks and Luke, tho'.
Also, should I get a horse named Pretorius in the story
and a Chameleon named Flo?
too many decisions.
anyways, Charlie says hello from prison (I mean no prison- not going to spoil the next chapter)

What Really happened at the Parasite Inn..the rest of the story

"Have you ever heard of Pol Harvey?"
Ralph the Somewhat Stupendous asked me this when I was twelve.
I said yes- who had not heard of Pol Harvey, I had no idea who he was but I was eager to impress Ralph, because I wanted to learn magic and I figured impressing Ralph was a good way to start.
"Pol Harvey was the greatest salesman the world had ever known." Ralph said and chucked me under the chin, it was his way of telling me to give up lying as I was really bad at it.
What did he sell? I asked
"Endorsements."
What is an endorsement? I asked.
"It is a master stroke of genius."
Do you sell endorsements? I asked because it sounded like magic. Maybe I could learn to sell endorsements.
"Nope." Ralph said waggling his eyebrows at me, you can see why, at twelve, I wanted to learn from Ralph, he could do such awesome things.
"Pol Harvey would say a thing like a filter or heater was good and because everyone knew that he was the most honest and thorough person on the radio- they would immediately buy whatever he was endorsing."
Why was he considered honest and thorough if all he was selling was a fillet and seat? I asked.
Ralph laughed a lot at this. I grinned because Ralph laughed at all my jokes...no, wait- I think I have a sudden clarity now. Should I get back to Stonehaven, Ralph and I are going to have long talk about certain things...
Where was I?
"You were going to explain to me-"  Max remarked from where he was hanging from the candlelabra in the rafters. He looks really upset, but it might be the mashed potatoes smeared on his face. "what the rest of the story- oh no, no, no, no, noooo!" there a sound of metal screaming as the links in the chains come apart as Max desperately tries to keep them together but to no avail and down he goes back into the fray.
The Parasite Inn is a full out melee, flying arms, legs, hair, beer, beer steins, cups and curses. I crawl through the chaos of legs and boots and sandals and pumps. I find Max at the bottom of a jumble of wax and wood.
"As I was saying..." I began.
Max looks very cute in his upside down gape of disbelief that I would just resume a conversation in an all out brawl.
"Pol Harvey was actually a journalist who would report on a story about something and then he'd stop after telling the known part of his story, then he would do his endorsement and then after the endorsement was over, he would say 'and now for the Rest of the Story.'
And?
"And then Pol Harvey would tell all about what was really going on in the story, in brilliant detail so that his listeners would come away with opened minds knowing that they now held all the real details about whatever Pol Harvey was telling.."
Ralph stops, raises an eyebrow and-
They would buy whatever Pol Harvey had endorsed because all of it must be the truth. I said, clapping my hands.
Ralph smiled, the proud teacher. Good times...

"And what do that have to do with our situation?!" Max screams at me.
"Nothing, except I thought it was a good lead-in to the rest of the bar fight." I say, very pleased with myself.
"Your nuts!" Max yells as he jumps to his feet and runs for the door. He doesn't make more than three steps before he is body tackled by a drunk elf.
I shrug and scamper on my hands and knees around a sturdy table to find the ogre crouching behind it.
"Does this happen to you a lot?" he asks.
"No, I figured this was your thing." I respond joining him.
We both hazard a peek over the rim, the scene is not pretty. The orcs have the upper hands as Octo-woman and her thugs are entangled with them, one of the orcs is pulling on Octo-womans hair, she is snarling and wrenching his or her loincloth up at a steep angle. I wince, the ogre winces, her thugs and the orcs are locked in a choking contest and each of them are various shades of gag. Grimm is hacking away with his axe on the shoulder of the troll- no scratch that, Grimm is hammering on the troll's should with the broken haft of his axe, the blade is missing. Metalsprocket is nowhere to be seen- the ogre points to a pair of stubby feet stick out of a cauldron in the fireplace, we hear him screaming incoherently as the Goblins are trying to get the fire relit. A gnome runs by chased by a short man with a pegleg screaming "eggs and bacon" while the drunk elf continues to try to kiss Max on top of the bar. A frying pan hits the elf in the head and he collapses on Max. I look around to see where the frying pan came from and see Jane's bare feet are dangling from one of the rafters. She's up there with a serving girl, I hadn't noticed before.
I sit back down, the ogre ducks down suddenly.
"Trouble."
"Gnolls." He says.
"Ah." a crossbow bolt punches through the wall above us. we both look up at it.
"I liked that whole -rest of the story bit." The ogre muses.
"Thanks." I say as another bolt punches through the wall.
"I should have gone into sales." the ogre remarks.
"I thought ogres ate people."
"That would be trolls." the ogre says, we both laugh. Everyone knows ogres hate people but think they taste awful.
The front door slams open, footsteps race across the floor, there's a crunch and then silence.
"Where is my husband?!" A woman yells. A big woman.
"How do you know she's big?" the ogre asks.
She sounds big.
"Aw crap, nice to meet you all, got to go." the ogre adds.
"Shreeeee-" The ogre pops up.
"Hi- Honeybuns!" he says.
"Don't you Honeybuns me!" She yells.
I turn around and peek over.
There is an ogress stands in the door, replete with cudgel-
"It's a rolling pin!" the ogre says.
Oh, my bad.
"Who is that woman!"
I look at the ogre, he shrugs.
"Just met her, my sweets." He says, "Is that a warhorse?"
"Don't you try to distract me! You great cretinous oaf!" the ogress yells. "You've got a lot of-"
A white warhorse charges into her and they go down into a jumble of limbs and hooves and orcs and seafood.
A rather familiar knight picks himself up from the floor.
Jane claps her hands.
It's Prince Charming, the twit who didn't want to get involved in rescuing us.
I wave.
He stares at me, then the dragon head which is still next to the door (a bit trampled on) and then at the fray.
The ogre jumps headfirst out the window. The ogress punches the warhorse out cold, the warhorse
collapse on Alex who was attempting to make for the door again.
Prince Charming turns and waves behind him, his man-at-arms trots up, the prince gestures at the mess therein. The man-at-arms apologizes and calls for backup. 10 soldiers charge into the room. They are tackled by 12 drunken elven women who appear out of nowhere (I just made that up).
They stop as the gnolls turn on them with crossbows and dive for cover.
"Sound the Retreat!" the Man-at-arms shouts, then is kicked between the legs by the troll, he cries out "Oh Mama" before falling face forward into the goblins who have just got a fire lit. Now there is burning goblins and panic.
Prince Charming turns to go.
"Hey Pumpernickel!" someone yells.
He stops and turns back, his eyes aflame with sudden fury.
A flagon of wine hits him in the chest as he tries to block and scream. The troll turns around and clocks the Prince with Grimm who is the one (as it turned out later) who threw the flagon of wine.
Then the troll turns into a frog. I turn to find one of the witches standing next to me.
"All I wanted was one lousy drink." she says.
I gulp.
"Tell Ralph to call me." she says and chucks me under the chin.

I swear, this is what happened.

also I am going to kill Ralph.

What Really happened at the Parasite Inn...well mostly

The troll sat down at the table.

"I am an Ogre."

What?

"O-G-R-E."

Oh, right. So the Ogre sat down at our table, taking the chair left for Grimm.

Alright. Now where was I?

"No singing." The Ogre says.

No singing. The narrator hangs his head in defeat.

"Is she going to catch up?" The Ogre asks.

What?

"I sat down and tossed that idiot guard of yours into the wall and-"

Fine. Everyone's a critic.

"So are trolls." The Ogre says.

I hate Ogres.

"So, why are you sitting here?" Max asks.

"Cuz' you guys are more interesting than the Orcs. bound to be more talkative than those witches and less chatty than the goblins."

"Did you say witches?" I ask glancing around.

"And you got a Dragon's head." the Ogre continues pretending not to hear me.

" I did hear you, but we need to build plot."

"Tension, you build tension to add enhance the plot."

"Close enough."

"What are you two going on about?" Jane says.

"Nevermind." The Ogre and I both says and take a drink.

"So, I got a proposition for you guys." The Ogre says.

"I'm listening." I say.

"This is a bad idea." Max says.

"What is a bad idea?" The Ogre says.

"Listening to ogres." Max says and gives me a meaningful look before glancing at the door.

"No." I say.

Max sulks.

"I like the prince already." the Ogre says. "Why do you keep calling me the Ogre?"

What?

"The Ogre?'

"I don't know your name and-"

"You know there are other ogres, right?"

"You mean like your wif-" Max starts.

"Nevermind, here's my proposal." the ogre says. (he grins at me) "Better."

The ogre-who shall not be named for copywrite reasons (that's what Ralph says)- leans towards me and hunches over. It is amazing how low and near to the table top he can hunch.
"Focus" the ogre says.
"Sorry."
"Now, what I need you to do for me is-"
"Now what's this?" Grimm's face appears between us. I lean back since Grimm smells really bad right now. (NO, dwarves never smell that bad. No I am not being racist against dwarves.)
I see Grimm has Metasprocket in the crook of his left arm. The gnome looks a bit blue.

"Go away- Dwarf." the ogre says.

"Fuke you, Greenie!" Grimm says as he winds up and for a moment, I am sure he's going to hit max, but he hits Metasprocket on the head, popping him out of his arm "whacka mole" style, sending the gnome reeling across the bar to crash down on top of Luke who is still sprawled in the corner by the fire.

"Go away, Dwarf." the ogre growls.

"I will not and you canna make me." Grimm announces before planting his fists on his hips.

The ogre rolls his eyes, cusses under his breath (it's definitely a curse), then punches Grimm right in his grinning face with one green meaty fist. Grimm's eyes roll up as well and he goes down like a tree.

"Now where was I?" The ogre says cracking his knuckles.

"You had some cockamanny plan." Max says.

"Oh right, the proposal." the ogre grins at him. "I need you to go to Ashdown Moor and bring me a Dumb Ass."

"Excuse me?" I say.
"What's a Dumbass?" Jane asks almost at the same time.

"Ladies." the ogre says. "I would go myself but he's not talking to me and I have other problems."

"What's a Dumbass?" Jane asks again.

"I think he is saying a Dumb Ass?" Max says.

"Is there a difference?" Jane asks Max, who shrugs, they both look at the ogre who is face-palming.

With a heavy sigh, the ogre holds up his finger at Max.

"Well for one thing-" there's a whoosh as Grimm's axe flies up into the corner of my eye and down towards the ogre, there's a crunch noise and Grimm comes into holding onto the haft of his axe.

"Ow!" the ogre exclaims.

"Gotye!" Grimm announces pulling on his axe.

The ogre shakes his finger, there's a pretty large splinter stuck in it.

"That looks painful." I say.

"If that's all Grimms axe did." Max says "Then what did he hit with the axe?"

The table shakes, then tips and all our drink slide down towards Grimm's face.

"Oh crap." Grimm says as a flagon of beer hits him in the forehead following by 3 cups of grog, one glass of wine, a loaf of bread, the bread board, and a dirty spoon. Grimm goes back down.

We all sit there looking at Grimm on the floor, the tilted table, and the ogre who is staring at the splinter in his finger.

Then the ogre roars. Grabs the table and hurls it across the room into a pack of orcs.

He looks over at the remains of the table, pulls the splinter out, and says.

"oops."

We look at the Orcs (they are big orcs too, they are all wearing black leather jackets with chains).
We look at each other.
We look at the ogre.

"He's not with us." Max says "We-"
Then he's catches a plate of food in the face.
Jane yells as she dodges the remains of the food, Alex screams like a girl and makes for the door.
The door burst open and admits the octopus woman who has several thugs with her.

"That's them." She announces and points right at me.

"I think a song and dance would have been better!" I yell before I charge across the room and jump the bar.

What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn part duex (and you say deux with an oomph!)

The Ogre turns to Alex.

"Pardon me." He says as he displays his teeth. Pretty nice dentistry. "Do you have an axe."

"Uhhhhh." Alex says in his suave yet contemplative manner. "I'll get one." then he scrambles away.

"Why do you need an axe?" Max asks.

"Well, Eugene- I can call you Eugene, right." The Ogre says.

"No," Max retorts.

"Well, Eugene, since you asked and have not spent much time around shady bars like this one." With this, the Ogre flourishes his arms out in a wide arc to the rest of the bar. "I'll tell you."

Silence, Max stares- I mean glares at the Ogre.

"I need the axe to start the music."

"Aha!" Max yells and jumps to his feet. "You're the Barbarian with the hook hand who plays piano!"

The Ogre looks puzzled.

Max slumps back into his stool, drops his head to the table. "Nevermind, wrong fairy tale."

Alex returns dragging a double bladed two-handed battle axe with a chipped right blade.

"Will this do sir Ogre?"

The Ogre studies it for a moment before reaching out and then flicking it out with a quick snap.
We all watch it sail through the air across the bar to bury itself in the far wall right about a unhappy, way too sober minstrel who screams and grabs his ukelele (no I have no idea what a ukelele is but I like saying it though) and commences strumming it madly.

The Ogre looks at me as I jump up on the table and definitely do not sing:

or

So what was the first song that came to mind to sing?
Why that merry old tune
As Good as the Prince Is.
Everyone loves that one!

"No they don't."

Well they will now.
(what follows is the song...mostly)

Me: "She said, I've seen you in here before."
The Ogre jumps up
The Ogre: "I've been in here a time or three!"
He bows low.

Me: "She said, "Hello my name is Princess Trinity.
meet my sisters Joela and Bethany.
We're all feeling kind of bored tonight
and you're the only knight in this place
if you're up for a rescue, then we can put a big
fairy tale reward on your face!"

The Ogre: "Ladies.
I am not as good as I once was,
I have several years on me now
not long ago I was in my prime
I could swing my sword, it was sublime!"

The Ogre plucks me off the table and acts as if to kiss me.
Max jumps up to stop this and the ogre trips him with his other foot.
Max eeps as he hits the floor.

The Ogre:"I could put my enemies down low
I could say them words real slow
I can probably love you all tonight
I might be brave enough
I am not as good as I once was
but I am evil when the going gets tough."

That wasn't so bad. right?
"No."
Aw Jane, not you too.

Me: "I still hang out at this bar with my gal Jane.
I've known her since we were trapped in that dungeon
last week."

Jane opens her mouth, I put my finger on her lips.

Me: "Don't speak."
Jane bite my finger.

Me: "Ow, Last night she had a few drinks,
got into a tight spot with two goblins over
a game of dice, I thinks.
Then one grumpy dwarf wades in and I hear
Jane say: "Hey Prince can you lend me a hand!"

"Well that part was accurate anyway."

Wait, what.
Me: "I said, "Jane,
I am not as good as I once was
My how the years have flown by
now hang on and don't cry!
I could really hold my own!
But if they want I a fight tonight
I will drag those goblins through it
I am not as good as I once was
but I can sweep the floor with those
goblins, dwarf and um a dragon?"

Yep, there is some guy who's got Jane in a vice grip
and it's not Max.

The Ogre laughs; "Here have a flagon!"

Me:" I used to be heck on wheels
Back when I was younger Prince"

Ogre: "Not much has happened since!"

Me: "I am not as brave as I once was.
That is just the hard cold truth."

Suddenly the bar is a flurry of arms and hands as a fight breaks out.

"Actually it's been going on since the ogre started singing!"

Me: I can still trhow a good punch, talk the talk
when I am feeling arrow proof!
so you should cross right now
cause I am going to call your bluff
I am not as good as I once was
but I bet I am good enough!"

This is when I catch a mug of brew with my face and everything goes dark.

I awaken as someone dumps a bucket of water on my face.
It's the Ogre.
"Nice song princess."

Then the door bursts open and we hear.

"Shreeeee-"
The Ogre interrupts.
"Gotta go."

"It was a good song" I say to the ceiling which has a few goblins in the rafters.
"Nope." Max says, "it was awful and your dancing stinks."
"Hater's are going to hate." I say.
A gnome looks down at me and says.
"Toby Keith sent you a message."
"Read it?" I say and wave at the goblins. (they give me a rude hand gesture.)
"It reads as thus: Hey, stop pirating my music."
"Oh." I say.
"Response?" the gnome asks.
"So sorry. won't happen again." I say.

"Who's Toby Keith?" Jane asks.
She's also in the rafters.
I miss the best stuff.







"That is not what happened." Max says.

"Okay, but mine was better."

What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn

Well, we finally reached the Parasite Inn.
We actually didn't know it was called the Parasite Inn before we were standing outside it looking up at the sign.
We knew that something weird was going on because it was one of three buildings that made up the rest stop on the Coventry road out of the Dragon Wastes.
Also, we suspected that the rest of my entourage was here because there isn't another inn or bar or house in a hundred days march anywhere around here and we had found no remains that looked like them as we trudged along the road.
Also, we had discussed meeting up at an inn - okay, that's not true, Grimm said that he and Alex had discussed meeting up at an inn- in case we got separated.
The rest stop consisted of the Inn, a stable and an outhouse.
Talk about luxury. At least, there was any funny smells or dead bodies in sight, that's good, right?

"The Parasite Inn"  Max read for all of us as we stood at the door looking at the weather beaten plank upon which the name had been carefully painted.
"Lovely name. " Jane said.
"Get out of the way." Grimm said "I'm going in."
No one moved.
I blinked and looked around knowing that everyone was looking at me.
"Oh, right, because I am suddenly in charge." I breathed and looked at the sign again.
"Just make a decision." Max said.
"Fine, we will go in." So Max sweeps open the door for us and Grimm drops the dragon's hard by the door and stomps in licking his lips.
I look at the dragon's head.
"Who's going to steal it?" Jane says.
We look around.
whistling noise followed by a why ya ya sound.
This is a weird town.
I shrug and we go in.
At first glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap peeling paint and a ramshackle bar of tied together wood with what looks like twine.
It's actually hair, not twine.
At second glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap patrons swilling something that smells like unwashed longshore men and desperation. The furniture is more the left overs of a dozen ruined castles, including converted doors for tables and logs for stools. The bar is bound wood with dragon hair twine and the patrons number exactly seven.
I blink.
At a table in the center of the room sits Alex the Palace Guard, unshaven, unwashed guzzling a mug of swill, while Wilks has his head buried in his hands clutching what little is left of his hair and Luke who is midsip staring at us while his grog runs down his chin and onto the table.
There is also a gnome who looks kind of like Metta Sprocket but with more loose wires and a thing with it's "arms" wrapped around Luke like an octopus. The barkeep is a Goblin with one eye and one tooth.
And then there is a Ogre asleep at the bar.

"Hi Guys!" I say as I sit down and glance at the octowoman wrapped around Luke.
She glares at me and then at Jane and then Max and starts to unwind around Luke.

"I, uh...yeah. I will get us a drink!" Max says with a shudder at this creature who licks her slimy lips at him and he skedaddles off to the bar.
Jane and I sit down across from Alex.

"Alex this is Princess Jane, my future consort. Jane, this is the cowardly captain of the guard who left me to die at the hands...I mean claws of two blood thirsty dragons." I say this as sweetly as possible.

Alex, to his credit snaps his mouth shut, winces then blanches a dark shade of red, opens his mouth again to speak then shivers and snaps it shut almost as hard as the first time. I imagine his teeth cracking. I feel better.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Captain Coward." Jane says as she slips under my arm and into a chair next to me. We "cuddle" as Alex squirms.

Wilks looks up suddenly and squeaks, rubs his eyes and squeaks again. He is wasted.

Grimm dumps the dragon's head in the corner next to the octowoman and Luke. the octowoman looks down at the dragon head and screams in a ear splitting glass shattering wail, completely unravels herself from Luke and scrambles-
"Slithers" Jane interjects.
-away across the bar and out the back door. The rest of the bar goes silent and I become acutely aware that there is a lot of people in the bar that I did not notice before. It's one of those Tangled moments.

"What did I miss?" Max asks, returning with three cups of something.
"Grimm making his usual first impression." I say.
"Slithergirl's hastey retreat." Jane adds.
Max looks down at us. We make a space for him, he grabs a stool and sits down between Jane and me. Jane sighs, takes a cup and sips at it, coughs, grimaces, and slugs back the whole cup, then burps.

"That good?" I say.
"Tastes better than that crap that blew up the castle." Jane says.
Max eyes his.
"Garlfether said it was wine- the best he had." Max says gesturing at the Goblin barkeep.
"You mean he can talk?" I say. "I mean he only has one tooth."
Max sighs and slugs back his then spits it out in a stream of spew all over Luke- who is sitting opposite him.
"Luke, this is my boyfriend, Max. Max, this is the cowardly loser Luke, who left me to die at the claws of two vicious fire breathing dragons."
Luke stops halfway to his feet, wide eyed, rubs his face with the back of his hand and then holds it out to Max.
Max ignores it.
"Let me buy you a drink." Max hops up and heads for the bar.
Luke looks sick, then sits down and hangs his head.
"You're alive." Alex finally says.
"No thanks to you." I reply.
"Whoz alife?" Wilks asks.
"The Prince is." Alex says.
"Therz a Prince?" Wilks says.
"No, the Prince....our Prince." Alex says.
"Our Prinz" Wilks responds. "That means we're dead, right?"
"No- I mean maybe." Alex shoots me a look.

"Who's a Prince?" The Ogre says.

Luke screams (like a girl....or a scared pig or both although it would be insulting to the pig and girl, I suspect).

"I am." I say.

"But your a girl." The Ogre says.

"It's a long story." I reply.

"Sure, it's always a long story, unless you're Prince Charmin." the Ogre says as he flicks Luke out of his chair (into a wall where Luke loses his ability to capitulate and passes out in a dead faint).

"Mind if I sit down." the Ogre says sitting down.

"Yes." Jane says. "But when do you ever listen to anyone anyway."

The ogre looks at her for a time, then smiles a big toothy grin.

"You Princesses are a lot alike, you know?"

"Thanks?" Jane says.

"Yer welcome." the Ogre says and gives me a wink.

Max returns and looks at the Ogre for a long time.

The Ogre looks over at Max as well.

"I know you from somewhere." Max says.

"I was at the bar." the Ogre replies.

"No, I know you are from Far-"

"Let me stop you right there." the Ogre says. "let's all be friends, instead."

Max sits down back in his stool, looks across at the ogre, then swaps seats with Jane.

The Ogre laughs.

I notice that Grimm and the Gnome are currently in a hair pulling contest. Yep, it's Metasprocket minus an arm and some hair. He looks as angry as gnomes can manage to look angry. Dwarves always look angry so who knows if Grimm is angry or smiling or crying.

The Ogre looks at the two and shrugs.

"Nice Dragon head." he says after a moment. "which one of you killed it?"

I take a moment considering what I know about Ogres, what I suspect about this Ogre and his history with donkeys and dragons.

"An exploding castle killed him."

The Ogre looks at me for a moment and bursts out laughing.
We all laugh, although half of us probably do it out of fear.

"You know what we need?" I hear myself say.

"What's that?" Max says.

"A song and dance." I say.

"That is not what happened."

What?

"That didn't happen." Max says.

"It will be better than what did happen." Jane says.

Who's fairy tale is this?

Silence.

That's what I thought.

"What we need is a song." The Ogre said suddenly.

"And some bad dancing." I responded.

"No dancing." Max says.

"Aw come on Max." I say.

"Dammit, stop looking at me like that.....fine some dancing."

I almost clap my hands.

It's kind of what actually happened, the disney version anyway.

Fun times when walking home....No, it wasn't fun.

Let me say that I hate walking.
Also I did not feel like talking about it hence the 60 day- give or take absence of posts.
Yes, I am aware that my fairy tale might bore you or you got sick of waiting for the next embarrassing or degrading moment of my life that I would share with you for almost 8 weeks and after 4 days, you got sick of waiting and went back to watching reruns of Once upon a Time (as if) or Dancing with the Ogres...I mean stars.
But you weren't there.
Really there isn't much to talk about.
Except for this one conversation 3 days in.
Max, who has been strolling along as if nothing is wrong, stops suddenly- causing Grimm to run into his behind since Grimm has spent the last 3 days grumbling about having to drag the Dragon's head,
"Oww!" Max.
"Crimeny, can't you just get out of my frikkin way you arse!" Grimm.
"Watch where you're going Dwarf!" Max says spinning on Grimm.
"Make me HUMAN!" Growls Grimm.
"Are you going to write that down?" Max asks.
"What?" Me.
"I assume that you are writing all this down in that magic book you seem to carry everywhere." Max points at my magic book.
"No-ooo." Me, ever prolific.
Yes, you had to wonder how I managed to keep up with everything as it was happening. Go back and check, when I am indisposed I don't write- like when I was a frog, for instance....actually don't go back and look - it's just too humiliating.
"Give that back." I say because Max has snatched my magic book, Jane rushes over to read as well. They both act shocked. Yes, shocked and I know they are acting because-
"Can't read a thing, it's in some kind of weird code." Max says.
Jane sighs, takes the book from Max and hands it back to me.
"Wait." Max says, "I have been able to read it, earlier as you were writing it."
"It's only encrypted when I don't hold it." I say then realized that this wasn't the best course of action.
Immediately Jane and Max surround me on both sides and try to get me to reopen the magic book which I have clamped shut.
"Be a good sport." Jane says.
"Come on Charlie, I will do that thing that you like if you give me a peek." Max says.
"I'll comb your hair."
"I'll massage your feet."
"I'll let your wear the pink dress."
"I'll let you carry my sword."
"That's my sword."
"Technicalities."
"I will let you kiss me."
Max and I stare agape at Jane.
"I figured I would give it a try." Jane says.
"I- um, " I strategically nose my boot in the sand.
Fine, I admit it, I have thought about it. Jane is just so much a woman whereas I am not.
Besides I've caught Ralph singing a song about a girl kissing girls and he thought it was cool.
Yes, that's my entire defense.
"I can kiss way better than Jane." Max says and pecks me on the cheek.
I almost drop the magic book.
My toes curl in my boots.
I get hot and bothered at the same time- well my mother describes the giddy burning sensation like that.
Jane, not to be outdone, sweeps me into an embrace and plants one on me.
If I have to explain this to you readers, then I probably will have to explain rule 36...or was it rule 63...rule 34? Note to self: ask Ralph which rule it is.
No, I don't even know what rule 1 is when it comes to this stuff.
Max lunges for the two of us and we end up in a fray or a melee of tangled limbs in the dirt. I won't lie and say it wasn't fun.
It was, the wrestling, dodging flying kisses bit.
The mouthful of Jane's hair and the nose full of dust, not so much.
Yep, this is my romantic life, two attractive people vying for my attention and all I get is a mouthful of dirt hair.
"Are you 3 finished?" Grimm glares down at us, which isn't saying much as he barely tops 4 feet.
"Maybe." Max says.
"What I wouldn't give for a bag of holding." Grimm says before he arches his back and plops down on top of the dragon's head which proves to be a bad idea.
Dragons have horns and spikes, lots of them.
Grimm cusses.
"You mean like this bag of holding?" I hold mine up.
Yep, I am the queen of convenient plot devices.
It's my Fairy Tale and I will be that obvious if I want to.
Grimm stares at my bag, licks his lips then goes back to cussing.
and that was it.
The good news is it only took 30 days of walking to find the inn and my entourage (drunk as skunks).
The bad news is I was lying about having a bag of holding.
Grimm was not amused, but I was - for 3 minutes before he punched me.
Dwarves, so violent and short tempered.

Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.