The Problems with Princesses part 6

Once upon a time there was a rather shy awkward girl who became a princess when her mother married a king and they lived happily until Princess Jane turned 15 and grew boobs. Then her mother, the Queen noticed that the King could not take his eyes off her daughter's boobs. The reason for this of course was that the Queen was a decidedly A cup woman and her daughter must have gotten her breasts from her father's side of the family.
Now since, the Queen was a jealous person by nature and while she did love her daughter somewhat- I mean it was great when her daughter was small and cute but now she was taller and bustier and this just would not fly anymore. So the Queen suggested that the King find "their" daughter a prince to marry. The King, however, liked having the daughter around although he claimed it was for her personality.
The Queen was having none of this and contrived to have her daughter go into the Princess Rescue plan, ironically run by Gnomes (damn Gnomes)
I say damn Gnomes because they are little conniving cutesy con artists who are only slightly more trustworthy than Steam Goblins- which is to say not at all. (my opinion)
The Princess Rescue program would place a Princess or a maiden wishing to become a princess in a perilous place with a noble true love requirement (a NTLR) which pretty much guarantees a Prince Charming but not THE Prince Charming (he's taken). So when Princess Jane was entered into the Princess Rescue program, the Gnomes (at her mother's request) kidnapped Jane while she was in a drugged sleep after a dosed cup of Hot Chocolate (having had one of these despicable drinks- long story).
To add the insult to injury, they changed her name to Buttercup (legally I am told) because no one wants to rescue a Princess Jane. I can see their reasoning although I would have held out for something more exotic, myself like Esmeralda.
Also, what those Gnomes didn't tell anyone is that not only that the program was full but since the partnership with the Steam Goblins had gone south, quality had gone to hell. So, when Princess Buttercup was placed it was in a run down castle in a remote and actually very dangerous area (i.e. the prince charmings only hit the slightly perilous areas that are a lot easier to find a nice beautiful and easy to handle blonde princess) Oh and they dyed Jane's hair Blonde (did I not say that?).
So Jane Buttercup's life sucked, well it did when she woke up in a vast ruined keep where a grumpy young dragon lived (apparently Momma Dragon has not been out until today) Well good news comes in big bad packages- yikes!
Gosh this fairy tale sucks.
Then all of it got better by accident.
Max Rayder showed up one day to steal the dragon's treasure, this turns out to be 60 gold pieces, 6 gems, a tarnished crown and a case of Bubble UPside Pop. Max says it was supposed to be a dragonslayer sword and 600000000000000000 gold (how he planned to carry all that wasn't covered)
Max came with 3 partners.
1. Crowley (who I call Crikey) who was the idiot who trusted a Steam Goblin to tell him the truth that landed the four of them in this pickle. Apparently Crowley has agreed to pay for his mistakes by posing as Princess Buttercups
2. Mat Rimgar who made the mistake of volunteering to talk it over with the dragon about letting everyone go and now is dragon poop.  Yeah the Dragon ate him, max says it was almost whole so at least Mat didn't suffer except from extreme embarrassment since his last words were "Hey guys there's nothing to be worried about, I got this-"
3. Artee Dice. Well he's missing with the dragonslaying sword that may actually be solid gold. The last time Max saw him, Artee was hightailing it out of the keep laughing while the dragon ate their horses.
and Max the thief makes four.
So, here the rather sour Princess and Max and Crowley sit with a stack of canned food (gnome brand stuff) and 2 dragons and wait for their collective Prince Charmings to come get them out of this pickle.


and that would be me......
arrgh.

The Problems with Princesses part 5

Max looks over at me and gives me the Smolder.

That is to say, he hikes his eyebrows up an inch or so.

"That two fifths of an inch"

Wait.

"you measure that kind of thing?"

"Oh yes, this is a very exact science, the Smolder."

Okay, he raise his brows two fifths of an inch, widens his deep brown eyes a hair-

"two hairs."

Two hairs. purses his lips just like a duck and puckers up like a baboon.

"now you are just mocking me."

I am mocking him.

"It's cute like when Prince hal does it, but you just look ridiculous."

"It's the Princess Dress, isn't it?"

"Yes, what's the story with that?"

Max jumps to his feet, twirls the dress is a swirl and bows while waving his hand with a flourish.

"I am mocking the Dragon!"

I look at him, I look at Princess Buttercup,  I shrug.

"Which Dragon?"

Max gawks.

"You mean there's more than one?"

Yup.

Rule # 2, never underestimate a Dragon.

"That's more like Rule #14." Max says

"Really?"

"Yes,  I stole a copy of the Rulebook from Stonehaven last year." Max says..

Well that explains why Ralph sent me here.

"Oh boy."

"I am that magnificent!" Max declares with triumph.

"Actually the wizard that owned that rule book sent me here to slay the dragon but I think he really wants his book back."

"Oh." Max says and deflates back down onto the loveseat.

"Hello? I am still sitting here!" yells the Princess.

"What's with her?" I ask.

"Well." Max says. "She's really a princess who is waiting for true love's kiss from a prince."

Well, I am not kissing her.

"That makes two of us."

"I hate you both." Princess Buttercup says.

The Problem with Princesses Part 4

Crikey looks confused as he follows our gazes to the fourth wall which is to say nowhere since in a work of fiction the fourth wall is an imaginary line barrier between the 3 of us and you my readers.
For one insane second, I am afraid that my readers will respond but nobody ever comments on blogs like this, they just read them and chuckle and then look at me in this embarrassed way before slamming the door of his tower room in my face and telling me to go build a snowman somewhere else.
I love Ralph the somewhat Magnificent but he makes for a lousy audience.

"I am confused." I say as I gracefully flounce into a reading chair.

The Guy Princess gives me the most subtle of head shakes.
Princess Buttercup frowns down at me.

"Your chair?" I say.

"Yes." Princess Buttercup says and starts her own flounce towards it.

"Tough." I say and point at the loveseat.

Princess Buttercup opens her mouth and closes it and opens it and closes it as her face goes even more red.
"But-!" she splutters.

"I do not splutter!"

I don't know, it certainly looked like a splutter.

"Max?"

So Guy Princess has a name. Max.

"I well, I mean - I don't..." Max says then walks very ungraciously over to the loveseat and collapses into it.

Princess Buttercup pouts.

"I am not pouting! Stop being so mean!"

"You're pouting." Max says as he stares at the ceiling.

"Fine." I say and clamber out of the chair and plop myself onto the other chair which turns out to be amazingly uncomfortable

"More like sitting on a pile of logs" Max says.

I grumble and groan and slide onto the loveseat next to Max.

Princess Buttercup triumphantly stomps over to the reading chair and enthrones herself upon it.

"I don't STOMP!"

"That was a stomp." Max says.

"Is his name really Crikey?" I ask jerking my thumb at the old dude.

"MY name dear lady, is Crowley." Crikey says. "Shall I get your personages a cup of tea?"

He really said that.

"Imperially trained." Buttercup announces.

Crowley bows and leaves the sitting room by the same door Butterbuns came in.

"You just can't resist mocking me, can you?"

I admit it, it's fun.

"I hate you. I hate all of you."