Well, at least today wasn't a complete loss.
"So there's no treasure?" I say and take a sip of the Long Island Tea. I haven't ever had tea that made me want to sigh, giggle and burp at the same time. It's good. I might get drunk.
"Nope." The troll says, his name is Larry. He's kind of nice once you get off his grass.
"I spent the whole thing on this house, the lawn and that garden gnome and his friends."
I pick up the Garden Gnome's head. I consider it.
"He has friends?"
"Yeah, they conned me into buying them, said it would be good for the lawn and the house, give it a civilized look," Larry says then takes a long draw on his tea. "Instead, as soon as I paid them, they skipped town right after paralyzing this twit on my lawn."
We're sitting on the patio at the back of the house/cottage. There's even more lawn back here. I can make out a cave . I point at it.
"Yeah, the family hole. very cramped and uncomfortable, wife would have none of it. so I cashed in the family loot after a pesky prince tried to take it and got the house and lawn from this traveling witch name Ismie- she was nice, but I wish she had warned me about the gnomes. " Larry glares at the Garden Gnome head in my hand.
Ismie....could this be Ralph's love interest?
"Uh." Me, I am the queen of glib speech.
"Yeah?" Larry says.
"Your wife is in the Duke's jail- along with that pesky prince and my friends."
"Figures." Larry replies then drains his glass. looks at my half drunk one, shrugs his massive shoulders and grabs the Tea Pitcher- which is larger than my whole body. He refills his glass, takes a sip, leans back in his patio chair- something he calls an Ironback Lounger. It's a massive wooden contraption that is half chair, half bed. He looks wistfully out at the cave fo a time.
"Did she ask about me?" There's a pain in that voice.
I consider lying.
"Heck no, she thinks you are a boring pile of Troll Poooooooooooooo-" The gnome head yells in my hand right up to the point I throw it over the lawn into the woods. "Fuck yoooouuu." The Garden Gnome head hits a trunk and shatters into many pieces.
"Thanks," Larry says.
"No problem," I reply, then take a deep breath, release it and drink deeply. The tea goes straight to my head. "No she didn't - but she- dammit, I didn't know she was a she since I am so woefully ignorant of what trolls look like-" I try to make my mouth shut. "I'm sorry."
"Nah, don't sweat it," Larry says smiling. "Karen looks like a man troll because she told Ismie to go to hell when she learned all that I had spent all the money on the house and lawn- apparently, Karen thought that Ismie's price was too high. Karen called her a hag."
I laugh at this because I have seen Ismie and a had she is definitely not a hag.
"Well, Ismie turned Karen into a man troll for that....I feel kind of bad since I hadn't told Karen about the Garden Gnome thing," Larry shrugs. "Ismie told me the man curse would wear off eventually."
"Ouch," I say then take a long drink remembering how long I had been a frog not too long ago. I wonder if that had been Ismie's doing but then I remember that witch had been a hag.... her name was Callendra or something.
"Anywho," Larry says leaning back. "Karen took to going to the Parasite Inn after that. I think she was planning to get revenge since Ismie drinks there from time to time."
We watch the seagulls flying in the evening sky. We drink more Long Island Tea. The sun sets.
I wake up in the chair with a blanket draped over me.
The Garden Gnome, completely intact is sitting on my knee doing his nails.
I almost scream.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I grab him, readying to throw him back into the woods.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I freeze in place. the Garden Gnome feel soft and cottony definitely not porcelain.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I put him down and look at him closely.
He looks at me indignantly, straightens his coat and sits back down on the chair.
"You're different," I say.
"Well, aren't you the sharpest stick in the bushel," he snips out.
I grab him by the throat and get ready to hurl him.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I wait.
"I'm sorry," the Garden Gnome says, he is a lot less aerodynamic now. "Old habits are hard to break."
I put him down.
"I was going to thank you for breaking the curse place on my by that bastard Robert the semi stupendous."
"You mean Ralph." I say.
"Of course, Ralph," The Garden Gnome says. "What did I say?"
"Robert."
"Ah," he says. "Look- it doesn't matter- I might have deserved it. I am a gnome anyway."
"You're a Garden Gnome."
"Not anymore." he says, he stops and starts laughing.
I crack my knuckles, he stops, looks at me nervously.
"You thought Garden Gnomes were a race of gnomes?"
I nod.
"Nah, it's a curse that magic users place on regular Gnomes." That would explain why I instantly hated him.
"What did you do to get cursed anyway?" I ask.
"I called his girlfriend a cow." the gnome says. "I might have also called his kid a filthy rat."
His kid? Ralph has kids. This just keeps getting better...is Ismie the mother?
"His kid?" I say, my mind racing.
"Yeah, there was this brat always hanging around asking pesky questions, apparently Ralph called her after a boy, what a yutz! Anyway, I am grateful to you for breaking the curse, my name is Sprogsgu- ack." He says the ack as I have grabbed him by the throat. Sprogsgu- looks at me wide eyed.
"I am that kid." I snarl before pitching him up in the air and then drop kicking him into the woods.
"I'm sorrrrrrryyyyyyy." Sprogsgu yells as he sails across the lawn. There's a satisfying thud and a crash.
"Gnome Punting," Larry says from the back door. "It's a sport in Stone Haven, they tell me."
I look over at Larry the troll. I smile, he smiles.
"Pancakes?"
"So there's no treasure?" I say and take a sip of the Long Island Tea. I haven't ever had tea that made me want to sigh, giggle and burp at the same time. It's good. I might get drunk.
"Nope." The troll says, his name is Larry. He's kind of nice once you get off his grass.
"I spent the whole thing on this house, the lawn and that garden gnome and his friends."
I pick up the Garden Gnome's head. I consider it.
"He has friends?"
"Yeah, they conned me into buying them, said it would be good for the lawn and the house, give it a civilized look," Larry says then takes a long draw on his tea. "Instead, as soon as I paid them, they skipped town right after paralyzing this twit on my lawn."
We're sitting on the patio at the back of the house/cottage. There's even more lawn back here. I can make out a cave . I point at it.
"Yeah, the family hole. very cramped and uncomfortable, wife would have none of it. so I cashed in the family loot after a pesky prince tried to take it and got the house and lawn from this traveling witch name Ismie- she was nice, but I wish she had warned me about the gnomes. " Larry glares at the Garden Gnome head in my hand.
Ismie....could this be Ralph's love interest?
"Uh." Me, I am the queen of glib speech.
"Yeah?" Larry says.
"Your wife is in the Duke's jail- along with that pesky prince and my friends."
"Figures." Larry replies then drains his glass. looks at my half drunk one, shrugs his massive shoulders and grabs the Tea Pitcher- which is larger than my whole body. He refills his glass, takes a sip, leans back in his patio chair- something he calls an Ironback Lounger. It's a massive wooden contraption that is half chair, half bed. He looks wistfully out at the cave fo a time.
"Did she ask about me?" There's a pain in that voice.
I consider lying.
"Heck no, she thinks you are a boring pile of Troll Poooooooooooooo-" The gnome head yells in my hand right up to the point I throw it over the lawn into the woods. "Fuck yoooouuu." The Garden Gnome head hits a trunk and shatters into many pieces.
"Thanks," Larry says.
"No problem," I reply, then take a deep breath, release it and drink deeply. The tea goes straight to my head. "No she didn't - but she- dammit, I didn't know she was a she since I am so woefully ignorant of what trolls look like-" I try to make my mouth shut. "I'm sorry."
"Nah, don't sweat it," Larry says smiling. "Karen looks like a man troll because she told Ismie to go to hell when she learned all that I had spent all the money on the house and lawn- apparently, Karen thought that Ismie's price was too high. Karen called her a hag."
I laugh at this because I have seen Ismie and a had she is definitely not a hag.
"Well, Ismie turned Karen into a man troll for that....I feel kind of bad since I hadn't told Karen about the Garden Gnome thing," Larry shrugs. "Ismie told me the man curse would wear off eventually."
"Ouch," I say then take a long drink remembering how long I had been a frog not too long ago. I wonder if that had been Ismie's doing but then I remember that witch had been a hag.... her name was Callendra or something.
"Anywho," Larry says leaning back. "Karen took to going to the Parasite Inn after that. I think she was planning to get revenge since Ismie drinks there from time to time."
We watch the seagulls flying in the evening sky. We drink more Long Island Tea. The sun sets.
I wake up in the chair with a blanket draped over me.
The Garden Gnome, completely intact is sitting on my knee doing his nails.
I almost scream.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I grab him, readying to throw him back into the woods.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I freeze in place. the Garden Gnome feel soft and cottony definitely not porcelain.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I put him down and look at him closely.
He looks at me indignantly, straightens his coat and sits back down on the chair.
"You're different," I say.
"Well, aren't you the sharpest stick in the bushel," he snips out.
I grab him by the throat and get ready to hurl him.
"Wait!" the Garden Gnome screams.
I wait.
"I'm sorry," the Garden Gnome says, he is a lot less aerodynamic now. "Old habits are hard to break."
I put him down.
"I was going to thank you for breaking the curse place on my by that bastard Robert the semi stupendous."
"You mean Ralph." I say.
"Of course, Ralph," The Garden Gnome says. "What did I say?"
"Robert."
"Ah," he says. "Look- it doesn't matter- I might have deserved it. I am a gnome anyway."
"You're a Garden Gnome."
"Not anymore." he says, he stops and starts laughing.
I crack my knuckles, he stops, looks at me nervously.
"You thought Garden Gnomes were a race of gnomes?"
I nod.
"Nah, it's a curse that magic users place on regular Gnomes." That would explain why I instantly hated him.
"What did you do to get cursed anyway?" I ask.
"I called his girlfriend a cow." the gnome says. "I might have also called his kid a filthy rat."
His kid? Ralph has kids. This just keeps getting better...is Ismie the mother?
"His kid?" I say, my mind racing.
"Yeah, there was this brat always hanging around asking pesky questions, apparently Ralph called her after a boy, what a yutz! Anyway, I am grateful to you for breaking the curse, my name is Sprogsgu- ack." He says the ack as I have grabbed him by the throat. Sprogsgu- looks at me wide eyed.
"I am that kid." I snarl before pitching him up in the air and then drop kicking him into the woods.
"I'm sorrrrrrryyyyyyy." Sprogsgu yells as he sails across the lawn. There's a satisfying thud and a crash.
"Gnome Punting," Larry says from the back door. "It's a sport in Stone Haven, they tell me."
I look over at Larry the troll. I smile, he smiles.
"Pancakes?"
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