My life is not like a fairy tale. It is a fairy tale.
Now I have to go trick a troll out of his money, in order to bail out all of my friends and compatriots and Prince Slime-ball.
On the upside, My diary tells me we are getting an upgrade. Not sure what that means, but it's got to be good.
The troll's cave turns out to be a nice looking cottage nestled by the sea.
"That's not a troll cave."
"I didn't ask you."
"Fine, just ignore me."
"You're a garden gnome."
"Excuse me I am a Garden Gnome!" The idiot in the little red cap says, indignantly. "It all caps you Gopher loving pothole!"
I look down where he is stands, holding out a sign that says "Troll Cave."
He looks at the sign and shrugs.
"It's still not a troll cave." he says and sticks out his tongue at me.
I grab his tongue and pull him up to eye level.
"Gack Gweek Gnock Ack!" the Garden Gnome screams.
"Let me explain how I feel about Gnomes." I then snap my hand like a whip and watch with much satisfaction as the little idiot jerks around in the air. I let go and he sails he over heels over the garden hedge, all tongue and spittle and sign.
"RaCwist Pwig!" He screams before there is a crash.
"What the Heck is going on here!" A very large ugly man emerges from the cottage's front door. He stands about 18 hands tall, is apparently wearing what Ralph calls a "house coat" - floral pattern and all- also, something Ralph calls "Flip Flops" but I call silly looking sandals. a dirty white shirt, a pair of short pantaloons that Ralph calls "Bermudas." He's unshaven and Fuke, it's the troll.
He looks at me, I look at him. The Garden Gnome runs out with the sign with a small cudgel. I step forward and say
"Your wife is in Jail."
The Garden Gnome shrieks in terror and runs in the opposite direction.
I freeze in place and the Troll starts screaming.
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"
I step back.
He immediately calms down.
Trolls are whack.
"Hey, if you knew how long it takes to have a well-manicured lawn." The troll says. "Then you'd yell too."
You might be wondering how he knows what I am narrating.
You might be like, How do all my foes know what I write in my magic diary.
Well, I will tell you.
It's-
"because we are usually having it read to us afterwards." The troll says. "I mean, other than being degrading, I am somewhat impressed that you care to try to get it correct."
Confused?
It happens. I kind of skipped ahead of myself.
I step back, the troll calms down. I scream "Bloody Murder." Draw my sword and charge onto the lawn at full sprint making sure to dig my heels in order to tear hunks of turf up in my wake. The troll bellows "Damned Humans!" Grabs his hedge trimmers and charges. I cut his hedge in half. Also, chop off the Garden Gnome's head since he was hiding in the hedge. The troll lunges forward to pick up the remains of his hedge and the torn up turf. The Troll begins to weep.
I get ready to behead him.
He looks at me, a big bit of snot hanging from his nose.
"How can you be so inhumane?"
"Dammit."
"What?"
"I thought we were supposed to be mortal enemies."
"Oh."
"I thought you were going to say something like I'm gonna grind up your bones for suet."
"That's not how you make suet." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
I sit down on the troll's stoop.
"Would it help if I said I am sorry?"
"It might."
"Okay, I am sorry."
"I forgive you." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
"I hate gnomes," I reply as I get up and kick the Garden Gnomes head like a ball.
"Fuck You!" The head screams as it rolls away across the lawn.
"What did that mean?" I say.
"What?" The troll says as he crawls around pushing the torn turf back down into his lawn.
"Fuck?"
"Now sure, maybe it has something to do with gardening," the troll says as he continues.
"Oh." Note to self: Corner Ralph and make him talk.
"Who's Ralph?" The troll asks.
This is why nothing ever goes as planned.
"That was a plan?" The beheaded Garden Gnome says.
Arrgh!
Now I have to go trick a troll out of his money, in order to bail out all of my friends and compatriots and Prince Slime-ball.
On the upside, My diary tells me we are getting an upgrade. Not sure what that means, but it's got to be good.
The troll's cave turns out to be a nice looking cottage nestled by the sea.
"That's not a troll cave."
"I didn't ask you."
"Fine, just ignore me."
"You're a garden gnome."
"Excuse me I am a Garden Gnome!" The idiot in the little red cap says, indignantly. "It all caps you Gopher loving pothole!"
I look down where he is stands, holding out a sign that says "Troll Cave."
He looks at the sign and shrugs.
"It's still not a troll cave." he says and sticks out his tongue at me.
I grab his tongue and pull him up to eye level.
"Gack Gweek Gnock Ack!" the Garden Gnome screams.
"Let me explain how I feel about Gnomes." I then snap my hand like a whip and watch with much satisfaction as the little idiot jerks around in the air. I let go and he sails he over heels over the garden hedge, all tongue and spittle and sign.
"RaCwist Pwig!" He screams before there is a crash.
"What the Heck is going on here!" A very large ugly man emerges from the cottage's front door. He stands about 18 hands tall, is apparently wearing what Ralph calls a "house coat" - floral pattern and all- also, something Ralph calls "Flip Flops" but I call silly looking sandals. a dirty white shirt, a pair of short pantaloons that Ralph calls "Bermudas." He's unshaven and Fuke, it's the troll.
He looks at me, I look at him. The Garden Gnome runs out with the sign with a small cudgel. I step forward and say
"Your wife is in Jail."
The Garden Gnome shrieks in terror and runs in the opposite direction.
I freeze in place and the Troll starts screaming.
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"
I step back.
He immediately calms down.
Trolls are whack.
"Hey, if you knew how long it takes to have a well-manicured lawn." The troll says. "Then you'd yell too."
You might be wondering how he knows what I am narrating.
You might be like, How do all my foes know what I write in my magic diary.
Well, I will tell you.
It's-
"because we are usually having it read to us afterwards." The troll says. "I mean, other than being degrading, I am somewhat impressed that you care to try to get it correct."
Confused?
It happens. I kind of skipped ahead of myself.
I step back, the troll calms down. I scream "Bloody Murder." Draw my sword and charge onto the lawn at full sprint making sure to dig my heels in order to tear hunks of turf up in my wake. The troll bellows "Damned Humans!" Grabs his hedge trimmers and charges. I cut his hedge in half. Also, chop off the Garden Gnome's head since he was hiding in the hedge. The troll lunges forward to pick up the remains of his hedge and the torn up turf. The Troll begins to weep.
I get ready to behead him.
He looks at me, a big bit of snot hanging from his nose.
"How can you be so inhumane?"
"Dammit."
"What?"
"I thought we were supposed to be mortal enemies."
"Oh."
"I thought you were going to say something like I'm gonna grind up your bones for suet."
"That's not how you make suet." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
I sit down on the troll's stoop.
"Would it help if I said I am sorry?"
"It might."
"Okay, I am sorry."
"I forgive you." the beheaded Garden Gnome says.
"I hate gnomes," I reply as I get up and kick the Garden Gnomes head like a ball.
"Fuck You!" The head screams as it rolls away across the lawn.
"What did that mean?" I say.
"What?" The troll says as he crawls around pushing the torn turf back down into his lawn.
"Fuck?"
"Now sure, maybe it has something to do with gardening," the troll says as he continues.
"Oh." Note to self: Corner Ralph and make him talk.
"Who's Ralph?" The troll asks.
This is why nothing ever goes as planned.
"That was a plan?" The beheaded Garden Gnome says.
Arrgh!
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