I was going to call this one All's Well that Ends Well but Shakes Spear objected.

And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
Time to go.

"HEY!"

Dammit.

"YOU CAN'T JUST END IT THERE!"

And why not?

"FOR ONE THING, WHO'S THEY?"

Prince Charlie and her friends... I mean the Duke obviously didn't since he's a little snit.

"THIS STINKS."

It's my fairytale.

It is my fairytale, right?

Well....

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT?"

The narrator.

"FUKE THAT GUY!"

And then the voices cried out as one frog right before the elephant put her foot down.

"NUTS."

I warned you.

Once upon a time....

Really?

Yup.

Dammit.

In a wasteland farther away than one might think.
There was a beautiful and brave Prince who was really a Princess.

Hi, that's me.

A dashing Rogue-

"That's me," Max says. "I'm Dashing."

A Freshly Rescued and Pretty Princess-

"I guess that's me," Jane adds.

A Fantastically Fancy Witch...

Ismie blows gracefully.

A de-garden-gnomed Dwarf with a chip on his shoulder

"[expletive deleted]"

and 3 idiotic footmen.

"I am not a footman!" Alex yells.

Luke and that other one look at him yelling.

"My name is Wilks!"

"You are not on foot?" Ismie asks.

"Well, yes." Alex replies in a lower tone of voice.

"You are a soldier in Prince Charlie's Guard?" Ismie asks.

"Well...yes."

"Then you are a footman."

Alex grumbles.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT US?!"

I look at Prince Charming, his Man-at-arms, a garden gnome and an odd assortment of soldier's dragging my dragon's head.

"What about you?"

"Don't we get an intro?" Definitely Prince Charmin.

"I dunno."

"And why not, pray tell?"

"I am no longer narrating.

Once upon a time in the Dragon Wastlelands, there was a band of stalwart adventurers who, having slain a dragon were on the long road home, on foot.
The way was harsh and five of them died getting home.

Wait, what?

5 of them are about to die.

DAMMIT.

Kidding.

I am beginning to hate you.

Once upon a time in the Dragon Wastelands, there was a group of loosely associated people who did not get on well. One of them had a Fairytale complex.
Good times.....

Hey?

Sorry, reminiscing.
Where were we?


We are on the road back to Stonehaven.
Ismie turns to me at the crossroads.
She points to the road sign that reads "WitchHaven" off to the right.
"This is my road," she says. We hug. She whispers in my ear, "Tell Ralph to call me. It's been a blast, let's do it again sometime."
Then she snaps her fingers and a broom hops out of nowhere. She hops onto it and speeds out of sight. I watch her go.
I wish she was my fairy godmother.
"Yer nuts," Grimm grumbles as he watches her speed off.
"That's what a garden gnome would say," I retort.
Grimm gives me the finger.

"Speaking of which-" Sprogg-something tries to say. "We must be going as well." Sprocket the one-armed gnome interrupt the Garden Gnome. "Hey! I was tal-"
"We must be going to." The Man-at-arms says interrupting whatshisname? "It's a long way back to Stevenshire, and we're walking." he points to his Prince and the other soldiers. I would say it was nice, but then Prince Charming would probably have me birched."
"Bye!" I reply. as they all peel off to the left following the Stevenshire sign.
"My name is Sprog-" the Garden Gnome yells as we walk on.

Alex and Luke and Wilk's shift the Dragon's head between them as Grimm marches on
I am walking between Max and Jane. The Parasite Inn is fading away into the distance.

"Well that was a good adventure," I say.
"mmmhmmm." Jane says asshe takes my hand.
"It's all getting better from here," Max says. "Right?"
"Uhm."
"Aw Come on!" Max says, "What's the worst that can happen?"

I have a bad feeling but choose to ignore it.
I also ignore the background music that is playing something foreboding.

All's Well that Ends Well.
No one lived happily ever after, however.

Oh, hush.

Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 16...who am I kidding, exit stage left

So here is the scene. there is a lone tower....I mean a four story shaft of a former 7 story tower missing the top two floors which only moments before were launched into the air following a mysterious explosion that demolished the fifth story save for the stairwell, a three foot section of hallway and a stone door frame. Everything else around the three of us blew upward and outward in a savage blast radius shattering the surrounding castle, dragon and castle walls.
From where I crouch over Jane I see nothing but smoke and sky.
Jane sits up and looks around then turns to me and says.
"Why describe it as savage?"
"Uh."
"I totally agree." Max says still clutching the three foot section of wall next to the stairwell.
"Why not say brutal instead." Jane as carefully sitting up, we are now intimately close.
"Uh."
"Prolific as always I see." Max notes.
"Grr."
Yup, Prince Charlie the brave just growled. I so suck at this hero stuff.
Jane makes a purring noise and then drags me to floor to kiss me and for about six heartbeats I totally panic until I realize she is not actually kissing me and we both burst into hysterical laughter.
"You two are hilarious." Max grumbles.
We both look at him, he still has his deathgrip on the wall which slowly crumbles away behind him and then he is cartwheeling as he falls backward down to the floor screaming in panic.
"I hate both of you right now." He comments from his prone position on the rubble.

"There's nothing left."
"Where's the other dragon?"
We look around.
1 tower (if you can call it that), rubble-lots and lots of rubble, smoke, bits of cloth, and a fresh ocean breeze. All in all, the new view of the coastline and ocean is quite spectacular.
No dragon though.
This bothers me, a lot.
There is what the wizard calls the pregnant silence.
Why is or rather how can silence be pregnant? Women are seldom silent when pregnant, so I think the wizard is wacko.
Then our sky is filled with dragon as he comes over the lip of the cliff, wings wide, trailing smoke and flame.
"Grea-aaat" Max says from his prone position.
Jane looks, I look, Max looks.
We look.
Then the dragon screams in fury and spins away from us and we see a very crispy Cogspinner clinging to the back of the dragon.
He is screaming something but I cannot make it out.
We look at each other, Jane shrugs, none of us can tell what he is screaming.
Then the dragon takes flight down the coastline and vanishes from view.
"What was he screaming?" I say not expecting an answer.
"He was screaming Help me or Fuke you all!" Grimm says from where his head peeks over the rim of the stairwell. "Who knows? Gnomes are incredibly hard to understand."

"This is all your fault." Grimm says.

"My fault?"

"Yes. If you hadn't scared that fellow, I would be enjoying a stiff drink right now."

Fortunately my foot reaches Grimms head. So I kick him down the stairs,
Max crawls over to watch his descent.

"Oh look, Dwarves bounce." Max comments.

Grimm yells "Fuke you all!" All the way down the stairs.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 14

So, to recap: the goblins stole Crawley's chair and now he has to sit on the floor.
The only goblin to escape bounced over the way confirming Grimm's theory of elasticity on goblins.
We have almost been rescued once by a handsome prince with a non-competition clause.
We are still stuck in this tower with two annoying ravenous dragons.
We are really sick of canned food.
I am in love with a brilliant man who has no imagination.
Hey, give that back!

"Oh, I'm a brilliant man!"

"With no imagination."

"We'll see about that!"

I spend the next hour chasing Max up and down the tower until he trips over Grimm and I tackle him.
We roll around on the floor until we both surrender in giggles (from us) and grumbles (from Grimm).
Jane- I mean Emma comes in and looks down at the two of us lying on top of Grimm. She shakes her head and sits down next to me.
We sit up and try to look serious.
Grimm stands up and swears in a language I have never heard, but it sounds violent and bad, then glowers at me.

"This is all your fault!" and stomps out of the room.

"Was he talking to me?" Max says.

The two of us girls look at Max and nod.

Max hangs his head.

"I guess I need to apologize?" he says peeking up at me through his hair.

He is so cute. Jane giggles and then I burst out in giggles too.

Max sits up with a look of triumph on his face.

"Sonovabirch!" Grimm yells.

We all look to where he just left.

"You're dead now Max." Jane says

"Yeah-" I start to say then Grimm starts cursing even more.

Curiosity overcomes all of us and we wander out to the window (well one of them).

Grimm is leaning out the window and yelling curses at the ground.

"Where's Crawley?" I ask looking around.

"Getting inspired by goblins!" Grimm yells "You bastard, I hope you burn!"

We crowd to the window and look down.
There is nothing new down there. I mean there is the rubble, the remains of bones and zeppelin, and wagons and a bathtub and...
The tub gets up and moves slowly for a while in the general direction of the gate.
Grimm keeps swearing until he realize that we are just looking at him.
"What?"
"Well, it is a pretty smart plan." Max points out.
"Here comes the dragon." Emma says (hey! I am just trying the name out.)

Sure enough, in comes teenage dragon who belches a gout of fire which flows over the cast iron tub. No visible result. The tub takes the blast well, then rises a bit and continues scooting out of the courtyard.

"Well look at that." Max says.

"Here comes mama dragon." Emma says.

Sure enough mama dragon leaps over the teenage dragon lands on the tub and grasps at it.
To it's credit the tub refuses to be crushed and the mama dragon's claw fails to fin purchase on it's smooth bottom. The legs have been removed.

"Well look at that." Max says.

The mama dragon stands up looks at the tub and shrugs. The tub scoots away. Both dragons sit there are watch it scoot out onto the drawbridge.

"Uhoh." I say.

Both dragons breath fire onto the drawbridge; for a moment, it looks like nothing happens, then a perceptible crack is heard, then a groan.
Crawley gives a scream of terror, rolls the tub over and makes a run for it even as the drawbridge collapses into splinters about the vastly deep chasm. Crawley and the tub pause as if for effect before plunging down into the abyss.
Crawley screams all the way down.

"Well look at that." Max says.

So much for escapae attempt number 14.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 11-12

Attempt 11: Create a distraction while the rest of us sneak out the back.
Problem #1: Who will be the distraction?
My solution is that it should be Crikey.
Crawley's suggestion that it has to be Jane, since she is the princess and the only person the dragons won't incinerate on the spot.
Jane says it should be the goblins since it's really their fault she's there in the first place.
Max say it should be Grimm since dwarves smell like old beer and taste like sour milk.
Grimm shoves his hand in Max's mouth and says are you sure that's sour milk.
Max is now throwing up. He stops long enough to curse all dwarves.
The goblins say it be me, since I am a better princess than Jane.
Someone speaks up and says that there is no back door.
We all freeze in place and turn to the speaker who is apparently in the closet.
The someone stops speaking (high pitched voice like a small child or maybe a grandparent or both).
The room gets very quiet.....Max and Grimm sneak over to the closet, count to three and then push it over.
There is a high pitched squeak, a crash and then a muffled voice says:
"Real mature- guys."
The goblins suddenly have rusty knife and hooked daggers out.
"Gnomes." They both say.
"Looks like we found our distraction." I say.

It's just one gnome. (think dwarf no beard, not much hair).
He crawls out of the closet, once Grimm opens it to let him out.
He has Jane's bodice on.
"It's not what it looks like." He says holding up his hands.
"You mean you're not a gnome?" Max asks.
"You mean you're not a cross dressing perv?" Jane asks.
Crawley screams inarticulately and goes for his throat, Grimm trips him.
Grimm grunts and says "Smells like a goat more than a gnome."
The Goblins go for the gnome who uses dazzle on them and the goblins wanders around in a daze.
What is dazzle you might ask?
I have no clue, one moment, two bloodthirsty gnomes are racing towards the gnome and then the gnome throws up his hands (well his arms which are really short) and BAM. smoke and bubbles appear out of thin air and the goblins wander around in a stupor.
You asked.

One hour later, Cogspinner, the gnome, is dangling by a rope with a big sheet tied to him reading
"Eat Me." painted on it in tomato juice.
The rest of us are sneaking out the "back" which turns out to be a dead end.
"Fuking Gnomes." Grimm say staring at the collapsed passage out. Looks like the Zeppelin crushed it when it crashed and exploded.
"Told you so." Cogspinner says behind the Sodimir (who jumps out of his skin...figuratively- because otherwise that would be so much eww).
We all turn to glare at the Gnome.
We all stare at the Gnome.
My brain starts screaming.
(No distraction).
"Fuke!" I whisper.

What follows is a mass charge back to the tower.
There is a lot of noise, stumbling, tripping, crying and pushing....mostly by Crawley and the goblins.
But we all make it back inside.
"Fuking Gnomes!" Grimm growls.
Cogspinner shrugs and heads for the pantry with a can opener.

My brain starts screaming.
"Where are the dragons?'
Everyone stops and looks at me.

We go look.
There is a knight fighting the younger dragon- and winning. There is a pack of men-at-arms fighting the other dragon and losing but slowly.
We are at the upper door (the one with no landing).
The Knight stops with his sword locked in the claws of the dragon and looks at us.
We gape at him. He shrugs apologetically and whistles to his men.
One of the men-at-arms disengages and rushes over to the knight.
The knight points at us.
We wave.
The man-at-arms does a facepalm.
What is a facepalm?
let me show you.

The Knight holds up his hand to the Dragon with one finger up in the universal sign of "wait a minute."

The Knight smacks the man-at-arms on the back of his helmet. There is an audible clang.

The Knight sheaths his sword, and shrugs, whistles to the others who desist in their attack and apologize to the rather confused dragon. They walk over to the knight, who turns to us and says.

"Sorry, didn't realize you were already spoken for already, my lady."

He bows and turns on his heel and marches away out of the castle.

The man-at-arms hurries after apologizing.

"Sorry, my prince, our intel assured us that she wasn't rescued yet." 

"Obviously, it was bad intel!" The knight/prince says before disappearing from view.

"Well Fuke." I say.

There is an audible sob from Jane.

So there you have it.

Attempt 11- total fail.

Attempt 12 (the rescue) or as I put it. The Epic Fail.

Jane turns to me, tears on her face and says.

"This IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Then she runs away bawling.

Well crying. That's how Max tries to sell it.

I'd say blubbering.

As it turns out, I get to be the one to go comfort her as I am the only other female.

I would have made Cogspinner do it since he might as well be female....but she hates him more than she hates me.

"Jane?"

I find her in her room. she is huddled in the far corner head on her knees sniffling.

"Go away/" she says trying not to sob again.

"I would but no one will let me out of this room until you forgive me...or kill me."

I go over and sit down next to her. 

She looks at me and I can see she is not really mad at me.

I put my arm around her and she leans her head on my pauldron. Then it hits me.

It's the Fuking armor!

"I think I need some help getting this armor off."

Turns out to be a liberating experience for both of us.

Without the armor, I turn out to be a girl like her. She finally relaxes and a giggle escapes her lips as she gets what I just got.

"It was the armor that killed the rescue." she says quietly while smoothing out my shirt.

I take off the shirt and pants as Jane blushes.

"What?" I ask.

"You are so pretty without all that steel." She says looking at me.

I blush right down to my toes. No one (other than my mother) has ever called me pretty before.

"Can I try on one of your dresses?"

Jane laughs and the moment of admiration goes away as we go to her wardrobe and look through her dresses.

Turns out, we are almost the same height and shape. 

It feels weird wearing a dress. For one thing, I feel the breeze on my legs and- well if you are a guy, try on one sometime or get a kilt if you are too manly for a skirt/dress.

I feel pretty and I am okay with that.

What's more, I have a best friend and coconspirator now. 

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 5

We're running out of food.
This is bad.
Not that I enjoy canned food.
This is good.
It means the goblins are coming with resupply in a fireproof zeppelin!

I am pumped, cause we are going to highjack that puppy!!!

We carefully go over the plan.

Grimm and Max will wait until the zeppelin is close and grab it's docking ropes and then Jane will show some leg (we had to give her something to do) and then I will overpower the goblin captain and we will steal the zeppelin and escape.

1 hour later a message arrives via bat (messenger bats are very popular with goblins apparently) stating that the shipment will be delayed another week and they are sorry for the delay. On the back of the message is a recipe for something called Air Souffle and an off color joke about a turnip and a rabbit.

15 minutes later a 3 span section of the roof of the tower collapses under the load of a crate of canned food  and Grimm and Crawley are buried in them as the crate comes apart (also it's on fire). We hear the Goblins laughing at us as they make their own escape. Something about the tower being bugged.

2 minutes later the lot of us watch the Dragon chase the goblin zeppelin around the courtyard. 

Goblin Zeppelins are not as big as I imagined. Also not fireproof either as the goblin screaming indicates as the whole contraption plunges down into the courtyard.

10 minutes later we are joined by Sodomir Gett and Crackstew, our two new tower denizens who are mildy crispy midland goblins. Apparent Crankshaft and Corkscrew are now toast, but as Gett says they were the lucky ones.

Goblins look okay but smell like burnt rubber.

"Who's she talkin' too?"

"Best not ask, she gets grumpy if interrupted..." Max says.

"Too late laddy." Grimm says.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 4

Parachute/glider.
Breakfast.

"I know, lets make a Parachute!" I announce to all gathered eating something called Canned Hash (which looks disgusting but if you get past the salt and graininess, it is really disgusting but edible).

"What is a Parachute?" Max asks.

"Seriously?" Then it hits me that a parachute is one of Ralph's inventions. So I explain it.

"A parachute is a device made out of cloth-" I began.

"Ooh, like our bed sheets?" Jane interjects.

"Yes! And you gather the corners and tie them with ropes and uh, add some more ropes to the sides near the middle. Then you take the other ends the ropes and tie them to an object like a" I look around trying to remember what Ralph said to tie them to. "a chair."

"And?" Crawley says.

"And we launch it out the door at the top of the tower and parachute down out of the tower."

"Girly, I see a problem here." Grimm says between mouthfuls, of course, he loves this stuff.

"What is that?"

"Assuming this cock-eyed contraption actually works what's going to keep it from going straight down the dragon's gullet?" Grimm adds burp to accentuate his point.

"I, uhm, it will drift away on the breeze?"

"Right!" Grimm says while cleaning out a can with his finger.

"it's a good plan." I grump.

In the end Crikey, I mean Crawley  volunteers to try this item out.
Two hours later, four sheets, 3 left over ropes, and one chair. We are at the upper doorgetting ready, we push the sheets out and Crawley steps out for the chair when a blast of hot air and fire comes up from below and the sheets inflate on the wind and the chair rips out of Crawley's grasp to soar out over the castle.

"Would you look at that?" Grimm says "It works"
Crawley looks sick as the chairachute (yes I wanted to call it that) drifts away

"We can make more-" I begin to say.

Then the sheets catch fire and the whole thing plummets back to the courtyard and smash on the stones into tiny splinters.

"Well, I might have overstated your success girlie." Grimm says.

Crawley still looks disappointed.

Max looks down, puts his arm around me, sighs.

"Well Prince Charming, back to the drawing board?"

I just slouch and stomp my way back inside.

"How about a glider?"

"No."

"How about we tie a rope to the \dwarf and swing him out as bait and when the dragon swallows him we ride the dragon to freedom."

"I think I am going to kill Max."

"Good luck on that stumpy!" Max says before making for the door.

"No!"

They both stop and look at me.
Then Jane looks in at me.
Then Crawley.

I just shrieked out no.

I am such a girl right now.
At first I feel horror
And then the smile comes out.
Max is grinning.
Grimm is not.

It is all good.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 3

We could make wings and glide out of the tower?

"That's idiotic!" Jane

It worked for Icarus and Daedalus.

"Who?"

Those greek guys who escape from King Minos buy flying.

"Uh, not to be a downer, but Icarus wings melt and he died." Max puts in.

Dammit, forgot about that stupid kid.

"Kids ruin everything." Crawley says.

"Besides all we have it a feather bed and no candles." Jane interjects

"Goose Feathers." Max sighs.

We could build a hot air balloon out of sheets and - nope I got nothing.

"No more fire!" Crawley screams and then bursts into tears and flees the room.

Battering Ram!

"Now yer thinkin'" Grimm says from where he has been sleeping in the corner.

So we search the tower.
Three floors later, two wardrobes, 2 tables and 3 beds and not enough wood to make a good ram.

How about the rafters
We all look up.
"Who's got an ax?" Grimm asks

Wait, I thought you had an ax?

"Well, I did, but I lost it when I was outrunning and jumping away from that Dragon."

Ohhhh, right. Nuts.

Well no one has an ax. I have a sword.

which proves to be a complete waste of time. Swords are not axes by any stretch of the imagination.

Grimm tries anyway. Chips my sword. At least he didn't break it.

We all stare at the rafter in anger.

"It'd make such a good ram." Grim sighs.

In the end we go to bed. except Crawley's bed is broken- it looked promising. he takes the bath tub.
Jane and I end up in her bed again.
Grimm takes the bed from Max with one well placed fart.
Max ends up on the couch.
So do I since Jane snores.
Max and I snuggle down on the couch.

"Your feet smell."

"You could sleep up here with me instead of that end to end, foot to head approach you are trying." Max  says and waggles his eyebrows at me.

His eyebrows are a lot more attractive than his smelly feet.
So we end up snuggling face to face in each arms.

Max gives me the smulder.
I shove him off the couch.

"What?" Max stares in shock.

"That looks is trouble." I say and a giggle escapes.

"It's always worked for me in the past." Max says as he tries to climb back onto the couch.

"Until you tried it on me....wait have you used it on Jane?'

"Yes, I mean no- I mean...I don't know what I mean..." Max looks very cute right now kneeling by the couch.

"It didn't work on her either did it?"

Max slumps and huffs in a very charming way while scowling at the same time.

"No."

I could kiss him right now but I don't.

I lean back and star at the rafter and contemplate my need to kiss him.

After a moment, I look back at him to invite back into my arms and find him asleep, his head leaning back against the couch.

Nuts.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

Attempt #2
Rope ladder.
Problem not enough rope.
also it's flammable as max who is currently 40 feet down just found out.
Imagine if you will:
I mean it, imagine it.
Jane, Grimm and Myself peice together six pieces of rope, sheets, 2 belts and one nightgown (I am not judging)
"Dammit all I loved that nightgown!" Crikey Crawley whimpers as Max prepares to descend.

"Relax Crikey." Max says in a placating tone. "I am sure it won't come to harm."

Famous last words.

So down Max went as we struggle to lower him.
Forty foot later, we ran out of rope.
"It's only another 60 or so foot! Jump!" Grimm yells.

"Funny." Max yells back.

"Try swing for that ledge!" I yell.

Max starts swinging out for a ledge some 25 feet away.
We watch him run sideways along the tower side and jump out into space and swing out and up and miss the ledge. On his way back, his shadow alerts the Dragon- let's call him Fussypants.
Fussypants snorts out a fireball which misses Max.

"Ha you missed!" Max yells and laughs.

"Did not." Fussypants yells back.

"I am still her, very unlit." Max retorts.

"Uh Max?" I call as Jane starts screaming.

"Oh crap." Max says and starts a hasty assent.

Crikey's Nightgown is ablaze.
Then the first rope is aflame and the others soon catch fire.
I have never seen a man run straight up a tower wall until today.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Max yells as he rapidly ascends and actually makes it into my arms before the whole rope thing turns mostly to ash in our hands and we drop the remains into the courtyard.

Max and I look down.
Crikey is crying, so is Jane.
Grimm is guffawing.
well scratch attempt number 2.

7 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes Intro

The Good News!
1. Max took off the dress and put on his regular "adventuring clothes, whitish shirt, blue leather vest, and pantaloons (pants) forest green, boots and bracers (some men look good in bracers)

The Bad News!
1. Max left the room and changed in private. Not that I think he's got a hot body or nothing...

The Good News.
1 Princess Buttercup wants to be called Jane for a while, I don't personally blame, coming up with all those mispronunciations while fun was exhausting....
2. Crikey says that there might be a back door to this place.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have gone silent outside.

The Bad News.
1. Jane is actually somewhat likable when she isn't being all princess buttercuppy. I was enjoying hating her.
2. Crikey is mad that I won't stop calling him Crikey and now won't say where he saw this "door" of his.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have been replaced by an ominous silence.

The Problems with Princesses part 6

Once upon a time there was a rather shy awkward girl who became a princess when her mother married a king and they lived happily until Princess Jane turned 15 and grew boobs. Then her mother, the Queen noticed that the King could not take his eyes off her daughter's boobs. The reason for this of course was that the Queen was a decidedly A cup woman and her daughter must have gotten her breasts from her father's side of the family.
Now since, the Queen was a jealous person by nature and while she did love her daughter somewhat- I mean it was great when her daughter was small and cute but now she was taller and bustier and this just would not fly anymore. So the Queen suggested that the King find "their" daughter a prince to marry. The King, however, liked having the daughter around although he claimed it was for her personality.
The Queen was having none of this and contrived to have her daughter go into the Princess Rescue plan, ironically run by Gnomes (damn Gnomes)
I say damn Gnomes because they are little conniving cutesy con artists who are only slightly more trustworthy than Steam Goblins- which is to say not at all. (my opinion)
The Princess Rescue program would place a Princess or a maiden wishing to become a princess in a perilous place with a noble true love requirement (a NTLR) which pretty much guarantees a Prince Charming but not THE Prince Charming (he's taken). So when Princess Jane was entered into the Princess Rescue program, the Gnomes (at her mother's request) kidnapped Jane while she was in a drugged sleep after a dosed cup of Hot Chocolate (having had one of these despicable drinks- long story).
To add the insult to injury, they changed her name to Buttercup (legally I am told) because no one wants to rescue a Princess Jane. I can see their reasoning although I would have held out for something more exotic, myself like Esmeralda.
Also, what those Gnomes didn't tell anyone is that not only that the program was full but since the partnership with the Steam Goblins had gone south, quality had gone to hell. So, when Princess Buttercup was placed it was in a run down castle in a remote and actually very dangerous area (i.e. the prince charmings only hit the slightly perilous areas that are a lot easier to find a nice beautiful and easy to handle blonde princess) Oh and they dyed Jane's hair Blonde (did I not say that?).
So Jane Buttercup's life sucked, well it did when she woke up in a vast ruined keep where a grumpy young dragon lived (apparently Momma Dragon has not been out until today) Well good news comes in big bad packages- yikes!
Gosh this fairy tale sucks.
Then all of it got better by accident.
Max Rayder showed up one day to steal the dragon's treasure, this turns out to be 60 gold pieces, 6 gems, a tarnished crown and a case of Bubble UPside Pop. Max says it was supposed to be a dragonslayer sword and 600000000000000000 gold (how he planned to carry all that wasn't covered)
Max came with 3 partners.
1. Crowley (who I call Crikey) who was the idiot who trusted a Steam Goblin to tell him the truth that landed the four of them in this pickle. Apparently Crowley has agreed to pay for his mistakes by posing as Princess Buttercups
2. Mat Rimgar who made the mistake of volunteering to talk it over with the dragon about letting everyone go and now is dragon poop.  Yeah the Dragon ate him, max says it was almost whole so at least Mat didn't suffer except from extreme embarrassment since his last words were "Hey guys there's nothing to be worried about, I got this-"
3. Artee Dice. Well he's missing with the dragonslaying sword that may actually be solid gold. The last time Max saw him, Artee was hightailing it out of the keep laughing while the dragon ate their horses.
and Max the thief makes four.
So, here the rather sour Princess and Max and Crowley sit with a stack of canned food (gnome brand stuff) and 2 dragons and wait for their collective Prince Charmings to come get them out of this pickle.


and that would be me......
arrgh.

The Problems with Princesses part 5

Max looks over at me and gives me the Smolder.

That is to say, he hikes his eyebrows up an inch or so.

"That two fifths of an inch"

Wait.

"you measure that kind of thing?"

"Oh yes, this is a very exact science, the Smolder."

Okay, he raise his brows two fifths of an inch, widens his deep brown eyes a hair-

"two hairs."

Two hairs. purses his lips just like a duck and puckers up like a baboon.

"now you are just mocking me."

I am mocking him.

"It's cute like when Prince hal does it, but you just look ridiculous."

"It's the Princess Dress, isn't it?"

"Yes, what's the story with that?"

Max jumps to his feet, twirls the dress is a swirl and bows while waving his hand with a flourish.

"I am mocking the Dragon!"

I look at him, I look at Princess Buttercup,  I shrug.

"Which Dragon?"

Max gawks.

"You mean there's more than one?"

Yup.

Rule # 2, never underestimate a Dragon.

"That's more like Rule #14." Max says

"Really?"

"Yes,  I stole a copy of the Rulebook from Stonehaven last year." Max says..

Well that explains why Ralph sent me here.

"Oh boy."

"I am that magnificent!" Max declares with triumph.

"Actually the wizard that owned that rule book sent me here to slay the dragon but I think he really wants his book back."

"Oh." Max says and deflates back down onto the loveseat.

"Hello? I am still sitting here!" yells the Princess.

"What's with her?" I ask.

"Well." Max says. "She's really a princess who is waiting for true love's kiss from a prince."

Well, I am not kissing her.

"That makes two of us."

"I hate you both." Princess Buttercup says.

The Problem with Princesses Part 4

Crikey looks confused as he follows our gazes to the fourth wall which is to say nowhere since in a work of fiction the fourth wall is an imaginary line barrier between the 3 of us and you my readers.
For one insane second, I am afraid that my readers will respond but nobody ever comments on blogs like this, they just read them and chuckle and then look at me in this embarrassed way before slamming the door of his tower room in my face and telling me to go build a snowman somewhere else.
I love Ralph the somewhat Magnificent but he makes for a lousy audience.

"I am confused." I say as I gracefully flounce into a reading chair.

The Guy Princess gives me the most subtle of head shakes.
Princess Buttercup frowns down at me.

"Your chair?" I say.

"Yes." Princess Buttercup says and starts her own flounce towards it.

"Tough." I say and point at the loveseat.

Princess Buttercup opens her mouth and closes it and opens it and closes it as her face goes even more red.
"But-!" she splutters.

"I do not splutter!"

I don't know, it certainly looked like a splutter.

"Max?"

So Guy Princess has a name. Max.

"I well, I mean - I don't..." Max says then walks very ungraciously over to the loveseat and collapses into it.

Princess Buttercup pouts.

"I am not pouting! Stop being so mean!"

"You're pouting." Max says as he stares at the ceiling.

"Fine." I say and clamber out of the chair and plop myself onto the other chair which turns out to be amazingly uncomfortable

"More like sitting on a pile of logs" Max says.

I grumble and groan and slide onto the loveseat next to Max.

Princess Buttercup triumphantly stomps over to the reading chair and enthrones herself upon it.

"I don't STOMP!"

"That was a stomp." Max says.

"Is his name really Crikey?" I ask jerking my thumb at the old dude.

"MY name dear lady, is Crowley." Crikey says. "Shall I get your personages a cup of tea?"

He really said that.

"Imperially trained." Buttercup announces.

Crowley bows and leaves the sitting room by the same door Butterbuns came in.

"You just can't resist mocking me, can you?"

I admit it, it's fun.

"I hate you. I hate all of you."

The Problem with Princesses Part 2

First a Disclaimer. Max is not actually Flynn Ryder, although despite what either of them say neither are as good looking as either of them claim. Well there is the smolder, but -that is another story altogether. Max is shaking his head a lot at this point. Also Max seems to think that we as a "couple" are just like Rap and Flynn, frankly I don't see it. Now Grimm is nodding his head. Wow the two of them in agreement. Who'd have thought that this was possible?

But I digress.
Imagine, if you will. a dark foyer, the pitched sounds of Dragons roaring and people screaming- well I mean Luke, Wilks and Alex screaming and yelling and Grimm shouting and cussing but off in the background as I come to realize that I am, in fact in the arms of a guy wearing a silky dress sprawled beneath me. Our faces are nearly touching as I huff in deep guffaws of breath in relief at not being a pancake or a dead body at the bottom of a bottomless chasm- although I have to admit that the chasm would then not actually be bottomless.
But I digress. He, the guy in the dress has big eyes or they are just really wide right now.

"Dude, are you going to get off me, say, anytime today?"

Ah there goes the whole romantic notion of rescuing the Princess Butterbuns....

"Anytime would be soon enough."

"What?" Yes, i am so enraptured at this moment where I have met and by met, I mean, finally met the love of my-"

"DUDE! Not cool. Stop trying to kiss me!"

Is that anger or fear?

"Crikey!!!"

Who says Crikey anymore?

"Coming master."

Well, that explains why he is not a quaint antiquated princess, and thus just an obnoxious bossy pants. instead.

I feel myself being lifted by the arms backwards and up from the scrabbling arms of the Princess Butterdrop.

Soon we are all standing in the darkened foyer peering at at other, I can still see a guy in a silky gown that is pretty tight on him, Next to him is a gnarly old guy whose name is Crikey- I think. I resolve to wait until the Princess Butterbins says his name again before making a fool of myself.

"Crikey, but we need better lighting out here."

Dammit. Talk about ambiguity.

"This way master, we will retire to the sitting room." and the old guy who may or may not be Crikey shambles off towards the left and what turns out to be a beaded curtain. Very girly, I have to say and that is saying a lot.

"After you" the Princess Buttercrunch grumbles and gestures towards the curtain door.

"Ladies before Knights." I say automatically and then feel like a fool as there is clearly no ladies or knights present.

"Suit yourself." Princess Butterfinger says and then strides off without even the hint of a sway. Although there is a manly strut.

I do have to say that the Princess Butternut is very manly, I mean butch for a "Rescue Princess," I guess that would explain why he/she is still trapped in the tower here.

The Sitting room is well lit and this is definitely a guy in a princess dress, something is definitely wrong....

"Great, a girl in a knight suit, something is definitely wrong" The guy in the princess dress says.

this is not going to end well.

The Problem with Princesses Part I.

So after I got Grimm untied and helped the boys out of the pot we agreed that the best plan was to beat feet and go back to Ankora and buy a Dragon's head and tell dad that we were successful and never talk about this again although I am fairly sure I wasn't convincing since I had this big silly grin on my face the whole time.

Escape proved to be a bit harder than everyone thought since the "kitchen' was in a maze of warrens within the ruined castle - you know I never appreciated what a warren was until then? I mean you hear people talk about them but until you are lost in one it's just not the same kind of thing.

"Would you please focus, Lassie?"

"Shut up Rabbit Stew."

"I am going to regret not kicking you off that cliff, Lassie."

I am guffawing at this point. Alone, since the gravy soaked guards are edging away from Grimm.
I only stop when we hear the Dragons coming.
Yep, I said Dragons.
We run. I actually am fast for my age and size.
"It's because yer a stinking girl!" Grimm yells from the back.
"You're just jealous!" I laugh.

Given the fact that we are all about to die, i am deliriously happy for some reason. So happy that it takes me awhile to realize that I turned left and the men turned right. I am completely lost in this warren of caves, tunnels and stairs.
Wait, stairs means up.
So I race up stairs and come to admire that having long legs has some distinct advantages as Grimm yells
"Stairs! I hate bloody stairs!" from somewhere off to my left.
The stairs start to spiral upward and then I am on them as they run around the edge of a turreted wall going around a large hole that might be a tower. Well no where to go but up. the empty space is quite large but I spot a door going out at the top of the stairs going out. As I open it and step into the portal the air shivers around me and a large scaled shape rips up behind me soaring straight up through the space. The air blows my hair around and I stumble out onto a parapet above a courtyard.
"Dammit!" comes a yell from the opposite wall where there is a pallisade covering it. I catch a glimpse of Grimm moving very, very fast through it, a few steps ahead of Kreos who is in full charge.

"Fuke!" I hear this below and glance over down to the courtyard where three brown figures are running in several directions as a large shape plummets past me and slams into the cobble stones sending everything shaking as Mom the Dragon lands in their collective middle as they scatter away from her. She is the biggest Dragon I have ever seen.  Which only makes two now, but I have decided two is enough. I do what any noble prince would do in this case, I almost yell to catch the Dragon's attention, then think better of it and head back indoors to avoid embarrassing myself with a silly thing like heroics.
One small problem, can't find another door.
After a rather fruitless search, I stop place my hands on my hips and consider my options.
That is when I hear an audible chuckle behind me
I say audible like a bullhorn being blown right behind me.
I spin around to find Kreos glaring at me with a bandage on his chin which is to say Grimms cloak is tied in place over my knick in his cheek.
I figure I have about 20 yards and 4 seconds to do something amazing.
I wave and stick out my tongue.
Says this for Prince Charlie the Brave, Say she's spunky when the going gets rough.
By the time you do say it I will be make dust down a random parapet wall headed for what turns out to be a dead end which is to say the wall stops in a gaping hole and the door I was aiming for is about 30 feet out over the abyss leading into a very sturdy looking tower.
For the first time in my probably soon to be very short life I just run faster and accept that I will never make that jump no matter what. At least, I will be long dead before I hit the gully floor and die bouncing off the rocks. Unless the Dragon catches me mid jump and bites my head off, of course.
I am at full run and jump out into space in armor.


My understanding of physics is limited to how far an arrow will probably go and how many times I can poke a bullfrog with a stick before he hops away.
In other words I jump about 8 feet and plummet to my death.
I hate everyone at this point.

Save the Dragon does try to snatch me from the air and misses catching me but manages to hit me in such a way that I am propelled in a fairly graceful arch back up and over the abyss right to the door which opens right as I reach it and I am face to face with a pretty surprised guy as I slam into him and we fall into the interior of the tower safely away from the cursing Dragon.