Once upon a Time, or How I learned to stop using Narrators. Part 2

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who-

- insisted she sleep on sixteen mattresses.

What?

Ask her.

What?

Annoying isn't it.

Now look here, this is MY FAIRYTALE!

Okay. Okay, don't get your iron knickers in a rust.

Wait, who insisted she sleep on sixteen mattresses?

Jane.

No way.

Ask her.

Well, that would be awkward.

Of course, it will be.

I think I hate you.

I give it two weeks before you crack and ask her.

(grumbles)

When in Rome or Finally The Rescue

What the heck is Rome?

"Not what but where darling," Ismie says as we walk into the cells.
I just realized that the Narrator always titles these entries in my journal. This makes me nervous.
"It's called foreboding. He is planning evil things for your future." Ismie says as we look at the collective of my friends and their new collection of jail-friends.

"Hi," I say waving at Max and Jane. "Miss me?"

"Well, it's about bloody time!" Jane manages to yell before Max slaps his hand over her mouth then makes an awful face when she bites his finger.
"It's been a few weeks since you left," Max says through gritted teeth.
"It's not my fault," I reply, " It was the narrator who went off to do other things."
"Who?" Max asks.
"That is some bloody fine excuse girl!" Grimm snarls from his cage. "I am no animal girl!"
"Look, could we speed this up, perhaps?" Prince Charming asks from his cell.
"You!" A troll screams lunging for the bars.
"Me?" I squawk.
"Not you, twit. HER!" The Troll snarls.
I look at Ismie, she shrugs.
"Me," She says.
"I'm gonna kill you!" It snarls.
"I think not." Ismie who twitches her wand.
"What are you going to do?" the garden gnome snarls. "DAMN!"
"Do we need the keys?" I ask, Ismie hands them over. I start unlocking cells. Max embraces me as I open his and Jane's. We kiss.







and kiss.







"I think we get the point," Jane interrupts.
Max lets me go.
I hand him the keys and make some oblique hand gestures.
Jane embraces me. We kiss







and kiss.
"WE GET THE POINT!!!" Grimm yells.
Ismie embraces me.
"STOP!" EVERYONE yells.
Ismie gives me a peck on the cheek.
"There's always tomorrow," she says and turns Grimm into a garden gnome.
"What did you do that!" Grimm squeaks. "Hey, I don't squeak!"
"Just wondered if it would work," Ismie says. "Dwarves resist magic so you just never know."
"Gnome's are basically Dwarves." Another garden gnome says.... it's the annoying one- can't remember his name.
"Hey! My name is Sproggut-"
Right the annoying one.
"Hey! I wasn't finished, My name is-"
"Well, it is about time! Did you get my treasure?"
It's Prince Charming.
"Technically no," I answer.
"Technically, you were supposed to slay the dragon." He says trying to look casual and authoritarian at the same time.
"Technicalities," I say thinking that he'll never pull off anything but confused.
"I can see why you are still single," he fires back.
"I can see why you are still a virgin!" I fire back.
"I am not a virgin." He says weakl-
"Stop doing that!"
Stop doing what?
"Making me look bad by assigning passive descriptions to how I talk."
Oh.
"Yes, oh," He says triumphantly.


"Don't stop," Max says. "This is good stuff."
Everyone is watching us argue.
"Oh grow up!" Prince IgotanegothesizeofCharon yells.
"I DO NOT!" He yells.
"Charon is pretty big," His Man-at-Arms remarks.
"Who's side are you on!" Prince Touchypants accuses.
"Oh, that's mature." Duke Ivan says from the doorway.
"You are such a virgin," I reply.
"That's the last straw, I will smite you even if you are a girl, Girlie!"
I punch him. He goes down like a pageboy at his first knife fight.
"I suppose, I will have to protest about that." The Man-at-Arms says.
We look down at Mister Glassjaw together.
"Nah." I say.
Ismie joins us.
"Nice punch."
"I need a Drink." Grimm says.
"You're going alone, if you think we are going back to the Parasite Inn."

Interludes in magic.

The Narrator's gone on hiatus, again.

I feel like we are standing frozen in place each time that old bastard decides to take a break and go play with Frank or Dixon or the Spartan or whoever else he's got going on the side and ignore me!
you bastard!
you bastard!
you bastard!

"Who are you yelling at?" Ismie asks.
"Nobody... what gives you that idea?"
"Well you are screaming at that book and hammering it on the desk at the same time."
She's right, we are in the middle of a jailbreak and I lose it.
Still, am I the only one that knows we've been standing here about to go free my friends for a month while that bastard picks his nose and plays with his other books?

I like milk, sipped slowly from a saucer- and to be scratched behind my ears by Ismie's long fingernails. I curl into her lap and purr to my heart's content. This is the perfect life for a kitten.
No, wait- he didn't- he wouldn't! HE DID!

Ismie looks down at me in curled up in her perfect lap.

"Have you learned your lesson yet?'

Maybe.

"What have you learned?" Ismie asks.

Don't call the writer/narrator a bastard.

"Whose story are we trapped in?" Duke Ivan says (a frozen wail on his unhappy face)

"I dunno my lord, but he's one temperamental wizard to be sure." Rupert says still stuck in mid jump in the air. "Been like this for a month and I really need to pee-"

Fine!
I am sorry I called you a bastard.

I look around hopefully.

Something worked because I am standing next to Ismie who brushes cat fur off her skirt.

What Really happened at the Parasite Inn..the rest of the story

"Have you ever heard of Pol Harvey?"
Ralph the Somewhat Stupendous asked me this when I was twelve.
I said yes- who had not heard of Pol Harvey, I had no idea who he was but I was eager to impress Ralph, because I wanted to learn magic and I figured impressing Ralph was a good way to start.
"Pol Harvey was the greatest salesman the world had ever known." Ralph said and chucked me under the chin, it was his way of telling me to give up lying as I was really bad at it.
What did he sell? I asked
"Endorsements."
What is an endorsement? I asked.
"It is a master stroke of genius."
Do you sell endorsements? I asked because it sounded like magic. Maybe I could learn to sell endorsements.
"Nope." Ralph said waggling his eyebrows at me, you can see why, at twelve, I wanted to learn from Ralph, he could do such awesome things.
"Pol Harvey would say a thing like a filter or heater was good and because everyone knew that he was the most honest and thorough person on the radio- they would immediately buy whatever he was endorsing."
Why was he considered honest and thorough if all he was selling was a fillet and seat? I asked.
Ralph laughed a lot at this. I grinned because Ralph laughed at all my jokes...no, wait- I think I have a sudden clarity now. Should I get back to Stonehaven, Ralph and I are going to have long talk about certain things...
Where was I?
"You were going to explain to me-"  Max remarked from where he was hanging from the candlelabra in the rafters. He looks really upset, but it might be the mashed potatoes smeared on his face. "what the rest of the story- oh no, no, no, no, noooo!" there a sound of metal screaming as the links in the chains come apart as Max desperately tries to keep them together but to no avail and down he goes back into the fray.
The Parasite Inn is a full out melee, flying arms, legs, hair, beer, beer steins, cups and curses. I crawl through the chaos of legs and boots and sandals and pumps. I find Max at the bottom of a jumble of wax and wood.
"As I was saying..." I began.
Max looks very cute in his upside down gape of disbelief that I would just resume a conversation in an all out brawl.
"Pol Harvey was actually a journalist who would report on a story about something and then he'd stop after telling the known part of his story, then he would do his endorsement and then after the endorsement was over, he would say 'and now for the Rest of the Story.'
And?
"And then Pol Harvey would tell all about what was really going on in the story, in brilliant detail so that his listeners would come away with opened minds knowing that they now held all the real details about whatever Pol Harvey was telling.."
Ralph stops, raises an eyebrow and-
They would buy whatever Pol Harvey had endorsed because all of it must be the truth. I said, clapping my hands.
Ralph smiled, the proud teacher. Good times...

"And what do that have to do with our situation?!" Max screams at me.
"Nothing, except I thought it was a good lead-in to the rest of the bar fight." I say, very pleased with myself.
"Your nuts!" Max yells as he jumps to his feet and runs for the door. He doesn't make more than three steps before he is body tackled by a drunk elf.
I shrug and scamper on my hands and knees around a sturdy table to find the ogre crouching behind it.
"Does this happen to you a lot?" he asks.
"No, I figured this was your thing." I respond joining him.
We both hazard a peek over the rim, the scene is not pretty. The orcs have the upper hands as Octo-woman and her thugs are entangled with them, one of the orcs is pulling on Octo-womans hair, she is snarling and wrenching his or her loincloth up at a steep angle. I wince, the ogre winces, her thugs and the orcs are locked in a choking contest and each of them are various shades of gag. Grimm is hacking away with his axe on the shoulder of the troll- no scratch that, Grimm is hammering on the troll's should with the broken haft of his axe, the blade is missing. Metalsprocket is nowhere to be seen- the ogre points to a pair of stubby feet stick out of a cauldron in the fireplace, we hear him screaming incoherently as the Goblins are trying to get the fire relit. A gnome runs by chased by a short man with a pegleg screaming "eggs and bacon" while the drunk elf continues to try to kiss Max on top of the bar. A frying pan hits the elf in the head and he collapses on Max. I look around to see where the frying pan came from and see Jane's bare feet are dangling from one of the rafters. She's up there with a serving girl, I hadn't noticed before.
I sit back down, the ogre ducks down suddenly.
"Trouble."
"Gnolls." He says.
"Ah." a crossbow bolt punches through the wall above us. we both look up at it.
"I liked that whole -rest of the story bit." The ogre muses.
"Thanks." I say as another bolt punches through the wall.
"I should have gone into sales." the ogre remarks.
"I thought ogres ate people."
"That would be trolls." the ogre says, we both laugh. Everyone knows ogres hate people but think they taste awful.
The front door slams open, footsteps race across the floor, there's a crunch and then silence.
"Where is my husband?!" A woman yells. A big woman.
"How do you know she's big?" the ogre asks.
She sounds big.
"Aw crap, nice to meet you all, got to go." the ogre adds.
"Shreeeee-" The ogre pops up.
"Hi- Honeybuns!" he says.
"Don't you Honeybuns me!" She yells.
I turn around and peek over.
There is an ogress stands in the door, replete with cudgel-
"It's a rolling pin!" the ogre says.
Oh, my bad.
"Who is that woman!"
I look at the ogre, he shrugs.
"Just met her, my sweets." He says, "Is that a warhorse?"
"Don't you try to distract me! You great cretinous oaf!" the ogress yells. "You've got a lot of-"
A white warhorse charges into her and they go down into a jumble of limbs and hooves and orcs and seafood.
A rather familiar knight picks himself up from the floor.
Jane claps her hands.
It's Prince Charming, the twit who didn't want to get involved in rescuing us.
I wave.
He stares at me, then the dragon head which is still next to the door (a bit trampled on) and then at the fray.
The ogre jumps headfirst out the window. The ogress punches the warhorse out cold, the warhorse
collapse on Alex who was attempting to make for the door again.
Prince Charming turns and waves behind him, his man-at-arms trots up, the prince gestures at the mess therein. The man-at-arms apologizes and calls for backup. 10 soldiers charge into the room. They are tackled by 12 drunken elven women who appear out of nowhere (I just made that up).
They stop as the gnolls turn on them with crossbows and dive for cover.
"Sound the Retreat!" the Man-at-arms shouts, then is kicked between the legs by the troll, he cries out "Oh Mama" before falling face forward into the goblins who have just got a fire lit. Now there is burning goblins and panic.
Prince Charming turns to go.
"Hey Pumpernickel!" someone yells.
He stops and turns back, his eyes aflame with sudden fury.
A flagon of wine hits him in the chest as he tries to block and scream. The troll turns around and clocks the Prince with Grimm who is the one (as it turned out later) who threw the flagon of wine.
Then the troll turns into a frog. I turn to find one of the witches standing next to me.
"All I wanted was one lousy drink." she says.
I gulp.
"Tell Ralph to call me." she says and chucks me under the chin.

I swear, this is what happened.

also I am going to kill Ralph.

Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 16...who am I kidding, exit stage left

So here is the scene. there is a lone tower....I mean a four story shaft of a former 7 story tower missing the top two floors which only moments before were launched into the air following a mysterious explosion that demolished the fifth story save for the stairwell, a three foot section of hallway and a stone door frame. Everything else around the three of us blew upward and outward in a savage blast radius shattering the surrounding castle, dragon and castle walls.
From where I crouch over Jane I see nothing but smoke and sky.
Jane sits up and looks around then turns to me and says.
"Why describe it as savage?"
"Uh."
"I totally agree." Max says still clutching the three foot section of wall next to the stairwell.
"Why not say brutal instead." Jane as carefully sitting up, we are now intimately close.
"Uh."
"Prolific as always I see." Max notes.
"Grr."
Yup, Prince Charlie the brave just growled. I so suck at this hero stuff.
Jane makes a purring noise and then drags me to floor to kiss me and for about six heartbeats I totally panic until I realize she is not actually kissing me and we both burst into hysterical laughter.
"You two are hilarious." Max grumbles.
We both look at him, he still has his deathgrip on the wall which slowly crumbles away behind him and then he is cartwheeling as he falls backward down to the floor screaming in panic.
"I hate both of you right now." He comments from his prone position on the rubble.

"There's nothing left."
"Where's the other dragon?"
We look around.
1 tower (if you can call it that), rubble-lots and lots of rubble, smoke, bits of cloth, and a fresh ocean breeze. All in all, the new view of the coastline and ocean is quite spectacular.
No dragon though.
This bothers me, a lot.
There is what the wizard calls the pregnant silence.
Why is or rather how can silence be pregnant? Women are seldom silent when pregnant, so I think the wizard is wacko.
Then our sky is filled with dragon as he comes over the lip of the cliff, wings wide, trailing smoke and flame.
"Grea-aaat" Max says from his prone position.
Jane looks, I look, Max looks.
We look.
Then the dragon screams in fury and spins away from us and we see a very crispy Cogspinner clinging to the back of the dragon.
He is screaming something but I cannot make it out.
We look at each other, Jane shrugs, none of us can tell what he is screaming.
Then the dragon takes flight down the coastline and vanishes from view.
"What was he screaming?" I say not expecting an answer.
"He was screaming Help me or Fuke you all!" Grimm says from where his head peeks over the rim of the stairwell. "Who knows? Gnomes are incredibly hard to understand."

"This is all your fault." Grimm says.

"My fault?"

"Yes. If you hadn't scared that fellow, I would be enjoying a stiff drink right now."

Fortunately my foot reaches Grimms head. So I kick him down the stairs,
Max crawls over to watch his descent.

"Oh look, Dwarves bounce." Max comments.

Grimm yells "Fuke you all!" All the way down the stairs.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 15

So here we are.
Prince Charlie who is probably Princess Charlie.
"Princess Charlotte!"
"Shut up Max!"

Princess Jane who would like to be called Princess Emily.
"Plain Jane!"
"Shut up Max!"

Grimm the Grumpy, my aide-de-camp.
"No argument there."
"Shut up Max!"

Max the Scoundrel or as we like to call him, Mister Smolder!
"Hey, no fair! That's my signature move."
"Not working!"

Just the four of us.
So far we've lost two goblins, goblins exploding in air.
"And bouncing." And bouncing (Grimm seems to find this hilarious).
and Crikey, hot tubbing it into a moat.

I feel like I am missing someone.

"The Gnome, Cogspinner." Grimm says between sips of some homemade concoction he's mixed up out of canned beans, dried fruit and armor oil.
"Yer twitching again Girl." Grimm says.

Yes, but is it imagining that brew or is it that other thing....dammit I have already forgotten it!

"The Gnome."

Dammit the Gnome.
"Where is he, anyway?"

"Brewing this crap." Grimm says. '"Erm, got him chained up in the pantry."

"You left a gnome alone in our food supply?"

"What?" Grimm says, then burps.

"Aren't Gnomes, exceptional thieves and tinkerers? I ask.

Max is already running for the door.
We are both in the hallway when we hear Cogspinner cackling.
Jane looks up from the pantry door as we approach.
"It's locked!" She says as she tries the door knob.
There's an audible click then what sounds like a match being lit.
I dive tackle Jane pushing us both down the hallway.
"What the Heck Char-"
It's at that point the pantry door blows off it's hinges as a gout of blue flame billows out and around us. The explosion is deafening as the entire tower shudders.
I am deaf since Jane is screaming and I can't hear anything. I sit up to find a disheveled Max with torn clothing grabbing me as I somehow manage to keep a grip on Jane to drag us back down the stairs. I am vaguely aware the the top of the tower is now missing. I feel the rush of air as the younger dragon soars over us in a rush of scales and leathery wings.
Max stops, says something to us then starts gesturing madly.
Jane and I look back.

Imagine if you can the top part of our tower in flight soaring away into the sunset accompanied by a lot of flames, a smoking gnome clinging to something that looks like a stove pipe, tons of debris- tower blocks and a dragon in pursuit.
Soaring might be an elaboration.
"....wow that was one hell of a blast radius." Max observes.
Jane and I look at him like he is crazy.
He shrugs and points in the other direction.
As the tower, gnome and debris hit their apogee and then plummet towards the sea, I tear my eyes away from the doom of Cogspinner to look around.
Frankly blast radius might be an understatement.
There is not much left of the castle. I mean the whole thing was a ruin anyway, but what was left is now basically spread out in a circular field of collapsing stone, wood, walls, stairs and- could it be?
Dragon bits.
I know, kind of disgusting and I feel kind of bad since the momma dragon wasn't all that bad except when she was trying to eat us or burn us alive- actually I don't feel that bad.

"Woah." Jane says as she takes in that there is little left as the rest of the castle crashes down like a waves spreading out from where a very large stone has been tossed into water.
"Eww, is that?" She says.
"Yes, that was our nemesis." Max says.
"Make sure you don't lose track of that dragon's head." I say.
The two of them look at me with abject horror.
"What?" I shrug. "I need to give it to my dad."

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 14

So, to recap: the goblins stole Crawley's chair and now he has to sit on the floor.
The only goblin to escape bounced over the way confirming Grimm's theory of elasticity on goblins.
We have almost been rescued once by a handsome prince with a non-competition clause.
We are still stuck in this tower with two annoying ravenous dragons.
We are really sick of canned food.
I am in love with a brilliant man who has no imagination.
Hey, give that back!

"Oh, I'm a brilliant man!"

"With no imagination."

"We'll see about that!"

I spend the next hour chasing Max up and down the tower until he trips over Grimm and I tackle him.
We roll around on the floor until we both surrender in giggles (from us) and grumbles (from Grimm).
Jane- I mean Emma comes in and looks down at the two of us lying on top of Grimm. She shakes her head and sits down next to me.
We sit up and try to look serious.
Grimm stands up and swears in a language I have never heard, but it sounds violent and bad, then glowers at me.

"This is all your fault!" and stomps out of the room.

"Was he talking to me?" Max says.

The two of us girls look at Max and nod.

Max hangs his head.

"I guess I need to apologize?" he says peeking up at me through his hair.

He is so cute. Jane giggles and then I burst out in giggles too.

Max sits up with a look of triumph on his face.

"Sonovabirch!" Grimm yells.

We all look to where he just left.

"You're dead now Max." Jane says

"Yeah-" I start to say then Grimm starts cursing even more.

Curiosity overcomes all of us and we wander out to the window (well one of them).

Grimm is leaning out the window and yelling curses at the ground.

"Where's Crawley?" I ask looking around.

"Getting inspired by goblins!" Grimm yells "You bastard, I hope you burn!"

We crowd to the window and look down.
There is nothing new down there. I mean there is the rubble, the remains of bones and zeppelin, and wagons and a bathtub and...
The tub gets up and moves slowly for a while in the general direction of the gate.
Grimm keeps swearing until he realize that we are just looking at him.
"What?"
"Well, it is a pretty smart plan." Max points out.
"Here comes the dragon." Emma says (hey! I am just trying the name out.)

Sure enough, in comes teenage dragon who belches a gout of fire which flows over the cast iron tub. No visible result. The tub takes the blast well, then rises a bit and continues scooting out of the courtyard.

"Well look at that." Max says.

"Here comes mama dragon." Emma says.

Sure enough mama dragon leaps over the teenage dragon lands on the tub and grasps at it.
To it's credit the tub refuses to be crushed and the mama dragon's claw fails to fin purchase on it's smooth bottom. The legs have been removed.

"Well look at that." Max says.

The mama dragon stands up looks at the tub and shrugs. The tub scoots away. Both dragons sit there are watch it scoot out onto the drawbridge.

"Uhoh." I say.

Both dragons breath fire onto the drawbridge; for a moment, it looks like nothing happens, then a perceptible crack is heard, then a groan.
Crawley gives a scream of terror, rolls the tub over and makes a run for it even as the drawbridge collapses into splinters about the vastly deep chasm. Crawley and the tub pause as if for effect before plunging down into the abyss.
Crawley screams all the way down.

"Well look at that." Max says.

So much for escapae attempt number 14.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 13

Once upon a time, there are a handsome princess and a beautiful princess and their cohorts and minions trapped in a tower by 1 hormonal dragon and 1 immature rebellious dragon. Once upon a time there was such things as sane fairy tales that my mother told me that were definitely not like this mess. I blame that goblin named Dizney.

My names is Charles, my friends and mother call me Charlie. My father is a lovable idiot who named me Charlie and made me a prince. I am a girl not a boy, and it did not matter one bit to my father on that subject.
So I am Prince Charlie who did not actually rescue Princess Jane who hates her name. I guess being called Plain Jane kind of stinks. She is now a very close friend, mostly because she makes me feel like a girl. I mean Max makes me feel all hot and warm but I suspect that is something entirely different since I just want to hug Jane. Mostly I am caught between my desire to punch Max and or kiss him.
Today, I am going to come up with a new name for Jane, she deserves something better than just Jane. When I suggest this to Grimm, the dwarf rolls his eyes and shakes his head then stalks off saying: "of all the things to waste time on..."
Max thinks this is a great idea, then he starts making suggestions. 
"Izmerelda!'
No.
"Sherezadi"
No.
"Bellefontane!"
What the heck is that?
"Never mind."
No.
"Shelia?"
No, definitely not.
"Bubblesticks!"
No Gnome names, are you insane?
"Grismalda."
No Dwarven names either.
"Esabol."
Gods no.
"Pat."
Now you are just mocking me.
"Pattie?"
I punch him.
Max wishes me luck and goes away to commiserate with Grimm on the unreasonableness of women.
"What to you think about Emma?" I say to Jane.
"You mean Princess Emma?"
"Well if I have to marry you, I guess that won't work."
Jane laughs and slings one arm around me as we look out her window at the rocky coastline.
"We make quite the pair." She says. I lean my head against hers.
"We will knock 'em dead, should we ever get out of this place."
"Yes, when you conceive this brilliant plan."
"I was holding out on sheer dumb luck."
That was when there was a loud boom and the tower shook.
We both look at each other and then sprint out the door, me in the lead, Jane holding my hand.
We arrive to find Grimm and Max and Crawley looking out the upper door not at the ground but at the sky.
"Fuking Goblins." Grimm says.
Max slaps him on the back.
Grimm glowers at Max who has a big silly grin on his face.
"Wait for it."
Our two goblins Sodimir and Crackstew are making their escape via a rocket chair.
"Ummm where did they get a rocket chair."
"That twas my chair.' Crawley says as it shoots past us.
"So long Suckers!" Crackstew shouts.
Sodimir starts to wave goodbye and say something but loses his grip and with a look of utter horror falls back past us. 
"Fujera-!" he screams. There is no splat only a crunch and gulp noise as the teen dragon catches him and swallows him in a few sickening chews.
Jane watches Sodimir's demise with a look of grim satisfaction, squeezing my hand.
"What are we waiting for?" I ask.
"That." Max says as he points back at the rocket chair as it reaches it's apogee only to come apart at the joints. Max hands me a handful of nails.
"You're welcome" he says as Crackstew starts screaming and cursing.
Right now I love Max more than coffee.
Grimm blushes as the obscenities continue as Crackstew hangs onto one last rocket strapped to a chair leg.
"Fujerack you all." is the last thing he screams as his rocket runs out of fuel and he goes into descent right over the outer wall. 
"Well look at that." Grimm says as he watches Crackstew make impact. "Goblins bounce.'

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 11-12

Attempt 11: Create a distraction while the rest of us sneak out the back.
Problem #1: Who will be the distraction?
My solution is that it should be Crikey.
Crawley's suggestion that it has to be Jane, since she is the princess and the only person the dragons won't incinerate on the spot.
Jane says it should be the goblins since it's really their fault she's there in the first place.
Max say it should be Grimm since dwarves smell like old beer and taste like sour milk.
Grimm shoves his hand in Max's mouth and says are you sure that's sour milk.
Max is now throwing up. He stops long enough to curse all dwarves.
The goblins say it be me, since I am a better princess than Jane.
Someone speaks up and says that there is no back door.
We all freeze in place and turn to the speaker who is apparently in the closet.
The someone stops speaking (high pitched voice like a small child or maybe a grandparent or both).
The room gets very quiet.....Max and Grimm sneak over to the closet, count to three and then push it over.
There is a high pitched squeak, a crash and then a muffled voice says:
"Real mature- guys."
The goblins suddenly have rusty knife and hooked daggers out.
"Gnomes." They both say.
"Looks like we found our distraction." I say.

It's just one gnome. (think dwarf no beard, not much hair).
He crawls out of the closet, once Grimm opens it to let him out.
He has Jane's bodice on.
"It's not what it looks like." He says holding up his hands.
"You mean you're not a gnome?" Max asks.
"You mean you're not a cross dressing perv?" Jane asks.
Crawley screams inarticulately and goes for his throat, Grimm trips him.
Grimm grunts and says "Smells like a goat more than a gnome."
The Goblins go for the gnome who uses dazzle on them and the goblins wanders around in a daze.
What is dazzle you might ask?
I have no clue, one moment, two bloodthirsty gnomes are racing towards the gnome and then the gnome throws up his hands (well his arms which are really short) and BAM. smoke and bubbles appear out of thin air and the goblins wander around in a stupor.
You asked.

One hour later, Cogspinner, the gnome, is dangling by a rope with a big sheet tied to him reading
"Eat Me." painted on it in tomato juice.
The rest of us are sneaking out the "back" which turns out to be a dead end.
"Fuking Gnomes." Grimm say staring at the collapsed passage out. Looks like the Zeppelin crushed it when it crashed and exploded.
"Told you so." Cogspinner says behind the Sodimir (who jumps out of his skin...figuratively- because otherwise that would be so much eww).
We all turn to glare at the Gnome.
We all stare at the Gnome.
My brain starts screaming.
(No distraction).
"Fuke!" I whisper.

What follows is a mass charge back to the tower.
There is a lot of noise, stumbling, tripping, crying and pushing....mostly by Crawley and the goblins.
But we all make it back inside.
"Fuking Gnomes!" Grimm growls.
Cogspinner shrugs and heads for the pantry with a can opener.

My brain starts screaming.
"Where are the dragons?'
Everyone stops and looks at me.

We go look.
There is a knight fighting the younger dragon- and winning. There is a pack of men-at-arms fighting the other dragon and losing but slowly.
We are at the upper door (the one with no landing).
The Knight stops with his sword locked in the claws of the dragon and looks at us.
We gape at him. He shrugs apologetically and whistles to his men.
One of the men-at-arms disengages and rushes over to the knight.
The knight points at us.
We wave.
The man-at-arms does a facepalm.
What is a facepalm?
let me show you.

The Knight holds up his hand to the Dragon with one finger up in the universal sign of "wait a minute."

The Knight smacks the man-at-arms on the back of his helmet. There is an audible clang.

The Knight sheaths his sword, and shrugs, whistles to the others who desist in their attack and apologize to the rather confused dragon. They walk over to the knight, who turns to us and says.

"Sorry, didn't realize you were already spoken for already, my lady."

He bows and turns on his heel and marches away out of the castle.

The man-at-arms hurries after apologizing.

"Sorry, my prince, our intel assured us that she wasn't rescued yet." 

"Obviously, it was bad intel!" The knight/prince says before disappearing from view.

"Well Fuke." I say.

There is an audible sob from Jane.

So there you have it.

Attempt 11- total fail.

Attempt 12 (the rescue) or as I put it. The Epic Fail.

Jane turns to me, tears on her face and says.

"This IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Then she runs away bawling.

Well crying. That's how Max tries to sell it.

I'd say blubbering.

As it turns out, I get to be the one to go comfort her as I am the only other female.

I would have made Cogspinner do it since he might as well be female....but she hates him more than she hates me.

"Jane?"

I find her in her room. she is huddled in the far corner head on her knees sniffling.

"Go away/" she says trying not to sob again.

"I would but no one will let me out of this room until you forgive me...or kill me."

I go over and sit down next to her. 

She looks at me and I can see she is not really mad at me.

I put my arm around her and she leans her head on my pauldron. Then it hits me.

It's the Fuking armor!

"I think I need some help getting this armor off."

Turns out to be a liberating experience for both of us.

Without the armor, I turn out to be a girl like her. She finally relaxes and a giggle escapes her lips as she gets what I just got.

"It was the armor that killed the rescue." she says quietly while smoothing out my shirt.

I take off the shirt and pants as Jane blushes.

"What?" I ask.

"You are so pretty without all that steel." She says looking at me.

I blush right down to my toes. No one (other than my mother) has ever called me pretty before.

"Can I try on one of your dresses?"

Jane laughs and the moment of admiration goes away as we go to her wardrobe and look through her dresses.

Turns out, we are almost the same height and shape. 

It feels weird wearing a dress. For one thing, I feel the breeze on my legs and- well if you are a guy, try on one sometime or get a kilt if you are too manly for a skirt/dress.

I feel pretty and I am okay with that.

What's more, I have a best friend and coconspirator now. 

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 6-11

I know what you are going to say. I do. I would say it as well if it just weren't so painful.
Sodimir and Crackstew are full of ideas.
Unlucky for us, most of them are downright awful. Lucky for us after the last one the Goblins decided to stop making suggestions.

Attempt 6. Run for it.
Sodimir suggests this one at dinner. Everyone laughs except Sodimir who shrugs then jumps up and runs for it. He gets 35 paces from the door, meets up with a wall of flame and sprints back into the tower. He doesn't smell any worse for it, I mean he already smelt terrible after the exploding zeppelin incident.

Attempt 7. Lucky number does not mean lucky break.
We should all run in different directions. Sodimir's next brilliant plan fails about 4 feet out the door when he realizes that he is again the only one running. He actually stops and turns his back on his impending doom to wag his finger at me (and the others) before he burst into flame and runs back between my legs (I have burn marks on my armor) to plunge into the soup of the day Jane was busy burning on the firepit.
Jane is not talking to me right now for criticizing her cooking.
it also doesn't help that I reassured her that I thought the soup was boiling oil for the dragon or that it should be.
On the bright side Sodimir smells like vegetable stew now.

Attempt 8. Poison the dragons. 
Crackstew has this brilliant idea until Grimm tells him that this is only going to happen if we had a horse or a cow to do it with, since the dragons show no interest in our canned goods (which Max and I take turns running out to the Zeppelin wreckage to retrieve between ideas). Grimm does offer to feed Sodimir to the dragon once we've poisoned him, though.
Sodimir tells Grimm that dwarves taste better than goblins.
Nobody agrees but I point out that smelling like stale beer is only slightly better then smelling like old shoes.
Now Grimm won't talk to me- or the Goblins who thought old shoes smelled really nice.

Attempt 9.  We can bargain with the Dragons.
Crackstew says you can bargain with dragons. 
We all agree (too quickly).
Now Crackstew won't talk to anyone of us now.

Attempt 10. Sodimir can bargain with anything.
You would think the two running incidents would have taught him something.
It did not.
Also. a good rule is to have something to bargain with.
Jane hit Sodimir with a frying pan when he offered to give the dragon the princess.
Sodimir apparently thought I was the princess. Jane tried to apologize but Sodimir won't let her come near him.

Attempt 11. We need a distraction.
Yep, we are still arguing about that one right now.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

Attempt #2
Rope ladder.
Problem not enough rope.
also it's flammable as max who is currently 40 feet down just found out.
Imagine if you will:
I mean it, imagine it.
Jane, Grimm and Myself peice together six pieces of rope, sheets, 2 belts and one nightgown (I am not judging)
"Dammit all I loved that nightgown!" Crikey Crawley whimpers as Max prepares to descend.

"Relax Crikey." Max says in a placating tone. "I am sure it won't come to harm."

Famous last words.

So down Max went as we struggle to lower him.
Forty foot later, we ran out of rope.
"It's only another 60 or so foot! Jump!" Grimm yells.

"Funny." Max yells back.

"Try swing for that ledge!" I yell.

Max starts swinging out for a ledge some 25 feet away.
We watch him run sideways along the tower side and jump out into space and swing out and up and miss the ledge. On his way back, his shadow alerts the Dragon- let's call him Fussypants.
Fussypants snorts out a fireball which misses Max.

"Ha you missed!" Max yells and laughs.

"Did not." Fussypants yells back.

"I am still her, very unlit." Max retorts.

"Uh Max?" I call as Jane starts screaming.

"Oh crap." Max says and starts a hasty assent.

Crikey's Nightgown is ablaze.
Then the first rope is aflame and the others soon catch fire.
I have never seen a man run straight up a tower wall until today.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Max yells as he rapidly ascends and actually makes it into my arms before the whole rope thing turns mostly to ash in our hands and we drop the remains into the courtyard.

Max and I look down.
Crikey is crying, so is Jane.
Grimm is guffawing.
well scratch attempt number 2.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

 Ralph, our Court Wizard once told me that there were 50 ways to leave your lover. I was 13. When he said it he was musing with these strings hanging out of his ears attached to a tiny box he held in his hands. When I asked Mom about it she said it must be a magical device like a scryer or fortune teller's ball that gave him secrets that had kept our kingdom of Stonehaven safe from the multitude of mistakes that my Father, the king kept making. Mom was pretty miffed with Dad at that point....
Anyway, when I was 17, I asked Ralph about it hoping to gain some insight into why everyone loved Prince Hal but no lady or princess had professed her love for me...
I know what you are going to say and no, I am not into girls but I am a Prince and these are things I thought Princes must be and as far a Ralph was concerned- I considered it something a Prince should know about... I mean escape plans.

To put it briefly, I was in a bit of a pickle, I mean, besides being stranded with a cute guy, a decent although a bit annoying princess and a conman who was probably less then trustworthy. I really need to get out of here, slay a dragon and take Princess Jane back to Stonehaven and show my twit of a father that I was as good as any prince.
Fine. I have issues. Half the time I don't know whether I am a Prince or a woman and frankly it's driving me quite mad.
Also Max.
I mean Max is driving me quite mad. He keeps giving me the "smolder" and while I have thus pretended that it's not appealing my insides melt into this puddle of goo almost every time. Like yesterday, we went down to the bottom of the tower to see if we could get the door at the base open, It's locked. Apparently this Goblin called Snargle has the key but he's been relocated to Upper Arctica and no one has been able to remind him of this fact. I had this idea we would use my sword to pry out the nails in the boards holding the door together.
First, I let Max try -cause he's a guy and guys always have something to prove to me. He failed, turns out that while he's a guy, he's not a "beefcake" and who should expect such a debonair rogue like him to be.
This is when he gives me the smolder.
I laugh in his face and snatch my sword away from his hands.
I try to pry open the door, and fail although I make a good show that I am only getting started.
Then I get Mister Debonair to join in on the fun and we grunt and groan and strain and suddenly I find that we are facing each other and our hands are touching on the sword and our faces are inches apart and I can smell his sweet breath on my nose and he gives me the smolder.
I must have gone soft in the eyes because he puckers up and tries to kiss me.
I panic and head butt him.
"Ow!" Max yells and stumble back his lip swollen and red where he bit it when I slammed my forehead into his mouth.
"You crazy-" he stops and just glares at me as I try to not look flustered.

"If ye think that's bad, see what she does when you try to pinch her ass!" An all to familiar voice pipes from the now open door.

I spin around, drop my sword and gape at Grimm who stands in open door.

"Grimmy!" I yell and fling myself into his arms.

Well, that was attempt number 1.
I mean it worked, not that Max and I got the door opened but that Grimm found out that you can open the door from the outside but not the inside (who makes doors like this, I mean besides Gnomes and Goblins and somebody Ralph calls "Call Center Owners?")
This was astounding news, or it would have been- save that in my relief and excitement at seeing Grimm alive and us stumbling around as I hugged him we stumbled into the doorway and it slammed shut behind him.
Totally his fault.

"Of course, it's MY fault." Grimm says as the three of us gaze at the re-locked door.

7 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes Intro

The Good News!
1. Max took off the dress and put on his regular "adventuring clothes, whitish shirt, blue leather vest, and pantaloons (pants) forest green, boots and bracers (some men look good in bracers)

The Bad News!
1. Max left the room and changed in private. Not that I think he's got a hot body or nothing...

The Good News.
1 Princess Buttercup wants to be called Jane for a while, I don't personally blame, coming up with all those mispronunciations while fun was exhausting....
2. Crikey says that there might be a back door to this place.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have gone silent outside.

The Bad News.
1. Jane is actually somewhat likable when she isn't being all princess buttercuppy. I was enjoying hating her.
2. Crikey is mad that I won't stop calling him Crikey and now won't say where he saw this "door" of his.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have been replaced by an ominous silence.

The Problems with Princesses part 6

Once upon a time there was a rather shy awkward girl who became a princess when her mother married a king and they lived happily until Princess Jane turned 15 and grew boobs. Then her mother, the Queen noticed that the King could not take his eyes off her daughter's boobs. The reason for this of course was that the Queen was a decidedly A cup woman and her daughter must have gotten her breasts from her father's side of the family.
Now since, the Queen was a jealous person by nature and while she did love her daughter somewhat- I mean it was great when her daughter was small and cute but now she was taller and bustier and this just would not fly anymore. So the Queen suggested that the King find "their" daughter a prince to marry. The King, however, liked having the daughter around although he claimed it was for her personality.
The Queen was having none of this and contrived to have her daughter go into the Princess Rescue plan, ironically run by Gnomes (damn Gnomes)
I say damn Gnomes because they are little conniving cutesy con artists who are only slightly more trustworthy than Steam Goblins- which is to say not at all. (my opinion)
The Princess Rescue program would place a Princess or a maiden wishing to become a princess in a perilous place with a noble true love requirement (a NTLR) which pretty much guarantees a Prince Charming but not THE Prince Charming (he's taken). So when Princess Jane was entered into the Princess Rescue program, the Gnomes (at her mother's request) kidnapped Jane while she was in a drugged sleep after a dosed cup of Hot Chocolate (having had one of these despicable drinks- long story).
To add the insult to injury, they changed her name to Buttercup (legally I am told) because no one wants to rescue a Princess Jane. I can see their reasoning although I would have held out for something more exotic, myself like Esmeralda.
Also, what those Gnomes didn't tell anyone is that not only that the program was full but since the partnership with the Steam Goblins had gone south, quality had gone to hell. So, when Princess Buttercup was placed it was in a run down castle in a remote and actually very dangerous area (i.e. the prince charmings only hit the slightly perilous areas that are a lot easier to find a nice beautiful and easy to handle blonde princess) Oh and they dyed Jane's hair Blonde (did I not say that?).
So Jane Buttercup's life sucked, well it did when she woke up in a vast ruined keep where a grumpy young dragon lived (apparently Momma Dragon has not been out until today) Well good news comes in big bad packages- yikes!
Gosh this fairy tale sucks.
Then all of it got better by accident.
Max Rayder showed up one day to steal the dragon's treasure, this turns out to be 60 gold pieces, 6 gems, a tarnished crown and a case of Bubble UPside Pop. Max says it was supposed to be a dragonslayer sword and 600000000000000000 gold (how he planned to carry all that wasn't covered)
Max came with 3 partners.
1. Crowley (who I call Crikey) who was the idiot who trusted a Steam Goblin to tell him the truth that landed the four of them in this pickle. Apparently Crowley has agreed to pay for his mistakes by posing as Princess Buttercups
2. Mat Rimgar who made the mistake of volunteering to talk it over with the dragon about letting everyone go and now is dragon poop.  Yeah the Dragon ate him, max says it was almost whole so at least Mat didn't suffer except from extreme embarrassment since his last words were "Hey guys there's nothing to be worried about, I got this-"
3. Artee Dice. Well he's missing with the dragonslaying sword that may actually be solid gold. The last time Max saw him, Artee was hightailing it out of the keep laughing while the dragon ate their horses.
and Max the thief makes four.
So, here the rather sour Princess and Max and Crowley sit with a stack of canned food (gnome brand stuff) and 2 dragons and wait for their collective Prince Charmings to come get them out of this pickle.


and that would be me......
arrgh.

The Problems with Princesses part 5

Max looks over at me and gives me the Smolder.

That is to say, he hikes his eyebrows up an inch or so.

"That two fifths of an inch"

Wait.

"you measure that kind of thing?"

"Oh yes, this is a very exact science, the Smolder."

Okay, he raise his brows two fifths of an inch, widens his deep brown eyes a hair-

"two hairs."

Two hairs. purses his lips just like a duck and puckers up like a baboon.

"now you are just mocking me."

I am mocking him.

"It's cute like when Prince hal does it, but you just look ridiculous."

"It's the Princess Dress, isn't it?"

"Yes, what's the story with that?"

Max jumps to his feet, twirls the dress is a swirl and bows while waving his hand with a flourish.

"I am mocking the Dragon!"

I look at him, I look at Princess Buttercup,  I shrug.

"Which Dragon?"

Max gawks.

"You mean there's more than one?"

Yup.

Rule # 2, never underestimate a Dragon.

"That's more like Rule #14." Max says

"Really?"

"Yes,  I stole a copy of the Rulebook from Stonehaven last year." Max says..

Well that explains why Ralph sent me here.

"Oh boy."

"I am that magnificent!" Max declares with triumph.

"Actually the wizard that owned that rule book sent me here to slay the dragon but I think he really wants his book back."

"Oh." Max says and deflates back down onto the loveseat.

"Hello? I am still sitting here!" yells the Princess.

"What's with her?" I ask.

"Well." Max says. "She's really a princess who is waiting for true love's kiss from a prince."

Well, I am not kissing her.

"That makes two of us."

"I hate you both." Princess Buttercup says.

The Problem with Princesses Part 4

Crikey looks confused as he follows our gazes to the fourth wall which is to say nowhere since in a work of fiction the fourth wall is an imaginary line barrier between the 3 of us and you my readers.
For one insane second, I am afraid that my readers will respond but nobody ever comments on blogs like this, they just read them and chuckle and then look at me in this embarrassed way before slamming the door of his tower room in my face and telling me to go build a snowman somewhere else.
I love Ralph the somewhat Magnificent but he makes for a lousy audience.

"I am confused." I say as I gracefully flounce into a reading chair.

The Guy Princess gives me the most subtle of head shakes.
Princess Buttercup frowns down at me.

"Your chair?" I say.

"Yes." Princess Buttercup says and starts her own flounce towards it.

"Tough." I say and point at the loveseat.

Princess Buttercup opens her mouth and closes it and opens it and closes it as her face goes even more red.
"But-!" she splutters.

"I do not splutter!"

I don't know, it certainly looked like a splutter.

"Max?"

So Guy Princess has a name. Max.

"I well, I mean - I don't..." Max says then walks very ungraciously over to the loveseat and collapses into it.

Princess Buttercup pouts.

"I am not pouting! Stop being so mean!"

"You're pouting." Max says as he stares at the ceiling.

"Fine." I say and clamber out of the chair and plop myself onto the other chair which turns out to be amazingly uncomfortable

"More like sitting on a pile of logs" Max says.

I grumble and groan and slide onto the loveseat next to Max.

Princess Buttercup triumphantly stomps over to the reading chair and enthrones herself upon it.

"I don't STOMP!"

"That was a stomp." Max says.

"Is his name really Crikey?" I ask jerking my thumb at the old dude.

"MY name dear lady, is Crowley." Crikey says. "Shall I get your personages a cup of tea?"

He really said that.

"Imperially trained." Buttercup announces.

Crowley bows and leaves the sitting room by the same door Butterbuns came in.

"You just can't resist mocking me, can you?"

I admit it, it's fun.

"I hate you. I hate all of you."

The Problem with Princesses Part 2

First a Disclaimer. Max is not actually Flynn Ryder, although despite what either of them say neither are as good looking as either of them claim. Well there is the smolder, but -that is another story altogether. Max is shaking his head a lot at this point. Also Max seems to think that we as a "couple" are just like Rap and Flynn, frankly I don't see it. Now Grimm is nodding his head. Wow the two of them in agreement. Who'd have thought that this was possible?

But I digress.
Imagine, if you will. a dark foyer, the pitched sounds of Dragons roaring and people screaming- well I mean Luke, Wilks and Alex screaming and yelling and Grimm shouting and cussing but off in the background as I come to realize that I am, in fact in the arms of a guy wearing a silky dress sprawled beneath me. Our faces are nearly touching as I huff in deep guffaws of breath in relief at not being a pancake or a dead body at the bottom of a bottomless chasm- although I have to admit that the chasm would then not actually be bottomless.
But I digress. He, the guy in the dress has big eyes or they are just really wide right now.

"Dude, are you going to get off me, say, anytime today?"

Ah there goes the whole romantic notion of rescuing the Princess Butterbuns....

"Anytime would be soon enough."

"What?" Yes, i am so enraptured at this moment where I have met and by met, I mean, finally met the love of my-"

"DUDE! Not cool. Stop trying to kiss me!"

Is that anger or fear?

"Crikey!!!"

Who says Crikey anymore?

"Coming master."

Well, that explains why he is not a quaint antiquated princess, and thus just an obnoxious bossy pants. instead.

I feel myself being lifted by the arms backwards and up from the scrabbling arms of the Princess Butterdrop.

Soon we are all standing in the darkened foyer peering at at other, I can still see a guy in a silky gown that is pretty tight on him, Next to him is a gnarly old guy whose name is Crikey- I think. I resolve to wait until the Princess Butterbins says his name again before making a fool of myself.

"Crikey, but we need better lighting out here."

Dammit. Talk about ambiguity.

"This way master, we will retire to the sitting room." and the old guy who may or may not be Crikey shambles off towards the left and what turns out to be a beaded curtain. Very girly, I have to say and that is saying a lot.

"After you" the Princess Buttercrunch grumbles and gestures towards the curtain door.

"Ladies before Knights." I say automatically and then feel like a fool as there is clearly no ladies or knights present.

"Suit yourself." Princess Butterfinger says and then strides off without even the hint of a sway. Although there is a manly strut.

I do have to say that the Princess Butternut is very manly, I mean butch for a "Rescue Princess," I guess that would explain why he/she is still trapped in the tower here.

The Sitting room is well lit and this is definitely a guy in a princess dress, something is definitely wrong....

"Great, a girl in a knight suit, something is definitely wrong" The guy in the princess dress says.

this is not going to end well.

The Problem with Princesses Part I.

So after I got Grimm untied and helped the boys out of the pot we agreed that the best plan was to beat feet and go back to Ankora and buy a Dragon's head and tell dad that we were successful and never talk about this again although I am fairly sure I wasn't convincing since I had this big silly grin on my face the whole time.

Escape proved to be a bit harder than everyone thought since the "kitchen' was in a maze of warrens within the ruined castle - you know I never appreciated what a warren was until then? I mean you hear people talk about them but until you are lost in one it's just not the same kind of thing.

"Would you please focus, Lassie?"

"Shut up Rabbit Stew."

"I am going to regret not kicking you off that cliff, Lassie."

I am guffawing at this point. Alone, since the gravy soaked guards are edging away from Grimm.
I only stop when we hear the Dragons coming.
Yep, I said Dragons.
We run. I actually am fast for my age and size.
"It's because yer a stinking girl!" Grimm yells from the back.
"You're just jealous!" I laugh.

Given the fact that we are all about to die, i am deliriously happy for some reason. So happy that it takes me awhile to realize that I turned left and the men turned right. I am completely lost in this warren of caves, tunnels and stairs.
Wait, stairs means up.
So I race up stairs and come to admire that having long legs has some distinct advantages as Grimm yells
"Stairs! I hate bloody stairs!" from somewhere off to my left.
The stairs start to spiral upward and then I am on them as they run around the edge of a turreted wall going around a large hole that might be a tower. Well no where to go but up. the empty space is quite large but I spot a door going out at the top of the stairs going out. As I open it and step into the portal the air shivers around me and a large scaled shape rips up behind me soaring straight up through the space. The air blows my hair around and I stumble out onto a parapet above a courtyard.
"Dammit!" comes a yell from the opposite wall where there is a pallisade covering it. I catch a glimpse of Grimm moving very, very fast through it, a few steps ahead of Kreos who is in full charge.

"Fuke!" I hear this below and glance over down to the courtyard where three brown figures are running in several directions as a large shape plummets past me and slams into the cobble stones sending everything shaking as Mom the Dragon lands in their collective middle as they scatter away from her. She is the biggest Dragon I have ever seen.  Which only makes two now, but I have decided two is enough. I do what any noble prince would do in this case, I almost yell to catch the Dragon's attention, then think better of it and head back indoors to avoid embarrassing myself with a silly thing like heroics.
One small problem, can't find another door.
After a rather fruitless search, I stop place my hands on my hips and consider my options.
That is when I hear an audible chuckle behind me
I say audible like a bullhorn being blown right behind me.
I spin around to find Kreos glaring at me with a bandage on his chin which is to say Grimms cloak is tied in place over my knick in his cheek.
I figure I have about 20 yards and 4 seconds to do something amazing.
I wave and stick out my tongue.
Says this for Prince Charlie the Brave, Say she's spunky when the going gets rough.
By the time you do say it I will be make dust down a random parapet wall headed for what turns out to be a dead end which is to say the wall stops in a gaping hole and the door I was aiming for is about 30 feet out over the abyss leading into a very sturdy looking tower.
For the first time in my probably soon to be very short life I just run faster and accept that I will never make that jump no matter what. At least, I will be long dead before I hit the gully floor and die bouncing off the rocks. Unless the Dragon catches me mid jump and bites my head off, of course.
I am at full run and jump out into space in armor.


My understanding of physics is limited to how far an arrow will probably go and how many times I can poke a bullfrog with a stick before he hops away.
In other words I jump about 8 feet and plummet to my death.
I hate everyone at this point.

Save the Dragon does try to snatch me from the air and misses catching me but manages to hit me in such a way that I am propelled in a fairly graceful arch back up and over the abyss right to the door which opens right as I reach it and I am face to face with a pretty surprised guy as I slam into him and we fall into the interior of the tower safely away from the cursing Dragon.