"Have you ever heard of Pol Harvey?"
Ralph the Somewhat Stupendous asked me this when I was twelve.
I said yes- who had not heard of Pol Harvey, I had no idea who he was but I was eager to impress Ralph, because I wanted to learn magic and I figured impressing Ralph was a good way to start.
"Pol Harvey was the greatest salesman the world had ever known." Ralph said and chucked me under the chin, it was his way of telling me to give up lying as I was really bad at it.
What did he sell? I asked
"Endorsements."
What is an endorsement? I asked.
"It is a master stroke of genius."
Do you sell endorsements? I asked because it sounded like magic. Maybe I could learn to sell endorsements.
"Nope." Ralph said waggling his eyebrows at me, you can see why, at twelve, I wanted to learn from Ralph, he could do such awesome things.
"Pol Harvey would say a thing like a filter or heater was good and because everyone knew that he was the most honest and thorough person on the radio- they would immediately buy whatever he was endorsing."
Why was he considered honest and thorough if all he was selling was a fillet and seat? I asked.
Ralph laughed a lot at this. I grinned because Ralph laughed at all my jokes...no, wait- I think I have a sudden clarity now. Should I get back to Stonehaven, Ralph and I are going to have long talk about certain things...
Where was I?
"You were going to explain to me-" Max remarked from where he was hanging from the candlelabra in the rafters. He looks really upset, but it might be the mashed potatoes smeared on his face. "what the rest of the story- oh no, no, no, no, noooo!" there a sound of metal screaming as the links in the chains come apart as Max desperately tries to keep them together but to no avail and down he goes back into the fray.
The Parasite Inn is a full out melee, flying arms, legs, hair, beer, beer steins, cups and curses. I crawl through the chaos of legs and boots and sandals and pumps. I find Max at the bottom of a jumble of wax and wood.
"As I was saying..." I began.
Max looks very cute in his upside down gape of disbelief that I would just resume a conversation in an all out brawl.
"Pol Harvey was actually a journalist who would report on a story about something and then he'd stop after telling the known part of his story, then he would do his endorsement and then after the endorsement was over, he would say 'and now for the Rest of the Story.'
And?
"And then Pol Harvey would tell all about what was really going on in the story, in brilliant detail so that his listeners would come away with opened minds knowing that they now held all the real details about whatever Pol Harvey was telling.."
Ralph stops, raises an eyebrow and-
They would buy whatever Pol Harvey had endorsed because all of it must be the truth. I said, clapping my hands.
Ralph smiled, the proud teacher. Good times...
"And what do that have to do with our situation?!" Max screams at me.
"Nothing, except I thought it was a good lead-in to the rest of the bar fight." I say, very pleased with myself.
"Your nuts!" Max yells as he jumps to his feet and runs for the door. He doesn't make more than three steps before he is body tackled by a drunk elf.
I shrug and scamper on my hands and knees around a sturdy table to find the ogre crouching behind it.
"Does this happen to you a lot?" he asks.
"No, I figured this was your thing." I respond joining him.
We both hazard a peek over the rim, the scene is not pretty. The orcs have the upper hands as Octo-woman and her thugs are entangled with them, one of the orcs is pulling on Octo-womans hair, she is snarling and wrenching his or her loincloth up at a steep angle. I wince, the ogre winces, her thugs and the orcs are locked in a choking contest and each of them are various shades of gag. Grimm is hacking away with his axe on the shoulder of the troll- no scratch that, Grimm is hammering on the troll's should with the broken haft of his axe, the blade is missing. Metalsprocket is nowhere to be seen- the ogre points to a pair of stubby feet stick out of a cauldron in the fireplace, we hear him screaming incoherently as the Goblins are trying to get the fire relit. A gnome runs by chased by a short man with a pegleg screaming "eggs and bacon" while the drunk elf continues to try to kiss Max on top of the bar. A frying pan hits the elf in the head and he collapses on Max. I look around to see where the frying pan came from and see Jane's bare feet are dangling from one of the rafters. She's up there with a serving girl, I hadn't noticed before.
I sit back down, the ogre ducks down suddenly.
"Trouble."
"Gnolls." He says.
"Ah." a crossbow bolt punches through the wall above us. we both look up at it.
"I liked that whole -rest of the story bit." The ogre muses.
"Thanks." I say as another bolt punches through the wall.
"I should have gone into sales." the ogre remarks.
"I thought ogres ate people."
"That would be trolls." the ogre says, we both laugh. Everyone knows ogres hate people but think they taste awful.
The front door slams open, footsteps race across the floor, there's a crunch and then silence.
"Where is my husband?!" A woman yells. A big woman.
"How do you know she's big?" the ogre asks.
She sounds big.
"Aw crap, nice to meet you all, got to go." the ogre adds.
"Shreeeee-" The ogre pops up.
"Hi- Honeybuns!" he says.
"Don't you Honeybuns me!" She yells.
I turn around and peek over.
There is an ogress stands in the door, replete with cudgel-
"It's a rolling pin!" the ogre says.
Oh, my bad.
"Who is that woman!"
I look at the ogre, he shrugs.
"Just met her, my sweets." He says, "Is that a warhorse?"
"Don't you try to distract me! You great cretinous oaf!" the ogress yells. "You've got a lot of-"
A white warhorse charges into her and they go down into a jumble of limbs and hooves and orcs and seafood.
A rather familiar knight picks himself up from the floor.
Jane claps her hands.
It's Prince Charming, the twit who didn't want to get involved in rescuing us.
I wave.
He stares at me, then the dragon head which is still next to the door (a bit trampled on) and then at the fray.
The ogre jumps headfirst out the window. The ogress punches the warhorse out cold, the warhorse
collapse on Alex who was attempting to make for the door again.
Prince Charming turns and waves behind him, his man-at-arms trots up, the prince gestures at the mess therein. The man-at-arms apologizes and calls for backup. 10 soldiers charge into the room. They are tackled by 12 drunken elven women who appear out of nowhere (I just made that up).
They stop as the gnolls turn on them with crossbows and dive for cover.
"Sound the Retreat!" the Man-at-arms shouts, then is kicked between the legs by the troll, he cries out "Oh Mama" before falling face forward into the goblins who have just got a fire lit. Now there is burning goblins and panic.
Prince Charming turns to go.
"Hey Pumpernickel!" someone yells.
He stops and turns back, his eyes aflame with sudden fury.
A flagon of wine hits him in the chest as he tries to block and scream. The troll turns around and clocks the Prince with Grimm who is the one (as it turned out later) who threw the flagon of wine.
Then the troll turns into a frog. I turn to find one of the witches standing next to me.
"All I wanted was one lousy drink." she says.
I gulp.
"Tell Ralph to call me." she says and chucks me under the chin.
I swear, this is what happened.
also I am going to kill Ralph.
Ralph the Somewhat Stupendous asked me this when I was twelve.
I said yes- who had not heard of Pol Harvey, I had no idea who he was but I was eager to impress Ralph, because I wanted to learn magic and I figured impressing Ralph was a good way to start.
"Pol Harvey was the greatest salesman the world had ever known." Ralph said and chucked me under the chin, it was his way of telling me to give up lying as I was really bad at it.
What did he sell? I asked
"Endorsements."
What is an endorsement? I asked.
"It is a master stroke of genius."
Do you sell endorsements? I asked because it sounded like magic. Maybe I could learn to sell endorsements.
"Nope." Ralph said waggling his eyebrows at me, you can see why, at twelve, I wanted to learn from Ralph, he could do such awesome things.
"Pol Harvey would say a thing like a filter or heater was good and because everyone knew that he was the most honest and thorough person on the radio- they would immediately buy whatever he was endorsing."
Why was he considered honest and thorough if all he was selling was a fillet and seat? I asked.
Ralph laughed a lot at this. I grinned because Ralph laughed at all my jokes...no, wait- I think I have a sudden clarity now. Should I get back to Stonehaven, Ralph and I are going to have long talk about certain things...
Where was I?
"You were going to explain to me-" Max remarked from where he was hanging from the candlelabra in the rafters. He looks really upset, but it might be the mashed potatoes smeared on his face. "what the rest of the story- oh no, no, no, no, noooo!" there a sound of metal screaming as the links in the chains come apart as Max desperately tries to keep them together but to no avail and down he goes back into the fray.
The Parasite Inn is a full out melee, flying arms, legs, hair, beer, beer steins, cups and curses. I crawl through the chaos of legs and boots and sandals and pumps. I find Max at the bottom of a jumble of wax and wood.
"As I was saying..." I began.
Max looks very cute in his upside down gape of disbelief that I would just resume a conversation in an all out brawl.
"Pol Harvey was actually a journalist who would report on a story about something and then he'd stop after telling the known part of his story, then he would do his endorsement and then after the endorsement was over, he would say 'and now for the Rest of the Story.'
And?
"And then Pol Harvey would tell all about what was really going on in the story, in brilliant detail so that his listeners would come away with opened minds knowing that they now held all the real details about whatever Pol Harvey was telling.."
Ralph stops, raises an eyebrow and-
They would buy whatever Pol Harvey had endorsed because all of it must be the truth. I said, clapping my hands.
Ralph smiled, the proud teacher. Good times...
"And what do that have to do with our situation?!" Max screams at me.
"Nothing, except I thought it was a good lead-in to the rest of the bar fight." I say, very pleased with myself.
"Your nuts!" Max yells as he jumps to his feet and runs for the door. He doesn't make more than three steps before he is body tackled by a drunk elf.
I shrug and scamper on my hands and knees around a sturdy table to find the ogre crouching behind it.
"Does this happen to you a lot?" he asks.
"No, I figured this was your thing." I respond joining him.
We both hazard a peek over the rim, the scene is not pretty. The orcs have the upper hands as Octo-woman and her thugs are entangled with them, one of the orcs is pulling on Octo-womans hair, she is snarling and wrenching his or her loincloth up at a steep angle. I wince, the ogre winces, her thugs and the orcs are locked in a choking contest and each of them are various shades of gag. Grimm is hacking away with his axe on the shoulder of the troll- no scratch that, Grimm is hammering on the troll's should with the broken haft of his axe, the blade is missing. Metalsprocket is nowhere to be seen- the ogre points to a pair of stubby feet stick out of a cauldron in the fireplace, we hear him screaming incoherently as the Goblins are trying to get the fire relit. A gnome runs by chased by a short man with a pegleg screaming "eggs and bacon" while the drunk elf continues to try to kiss Max on top of the bar. A frying pan hits the elf in the head and he collapses on Max. I look around to see where the frying pan came from and see Jane's bare feet are dangling from one of the rafters. She's up there with a serving girl, I hadn't noticed before.
I sit back down, the ogre ducks down suddenly.
"Trouble."
"Gnolls." He says.
"Ah." a crossbow bolt punches through the wall above us. we both look up at it.
"I liked that whole -rest of the story bit." The ogre muses.
"Thanks." I say as another bolt punches through the wall.
"I should have gone into sales." the ogre remarks.
"I thought ogres ate people."
"That would be trolls." the ogre says, we both laugh. Everyone knows ogres hate people but think they taste awful.
The front door slams open, footsteps race across the floor, there's a crunch and then silence.
"Where is my husband?!" A woman yells. A big woman.
"How do you know she's big?" the ogre asks.
She sounds big.
"Aw crap, nice to meet you all, got to go." the ogre adds.
"Shreeeee-" The ogre pops up.
"Hi- Honeybuns!" he says.
"Don't you Honeybuns me!" She yells.
I turn around and peek over.
There is an ogress stands in the door, replete with cudgel-
"It's a rolling pin!" the ogre says.
Oh, my bad.
"Who is that woman!"
I look at the ogre, he shrugs.
"Just met her, my sweets." He says, "Is that a warhorse?"
"Don't you try to distract me! You great cretinous oaf!" the ogress yells. "You've got a lot of-"
A white warhorse charges into her and they go down into a jumble of limbs and hooves and orcs and seafood.
A rather familiar knight picks himself up from the floor.
Jane claps her hands.
It's Prince Charming, the twit who didn't want to get involved in rescuing us.
I wave.
He stares at me, then the dragon head which is still next to the door (a bit trampled on) and then at the fray.
The ogre jumps headfirst out the window. The ogress punches the warhorse out cold, the warhorse
collapse on Alex who was attempting to make for the door again.
Prince Charming turns and waves behind him, his man-at-arms trots up, the prince gestures at the mess therein. The man-at-arms apologizes and calls for backup. 10 soldiers charge into the room. They are tackled by 12 drunken elven women who appear out of nowhere (I just made that up).
They stop as the gnolls turn on them with crossbows and dive for cover.
"Sound the Retreat!" the Man-at-arms shouts, then is kicked between the legs by the troll, he cries out "Oh Mama" before falling face forward into the goblins who have just got a fire lit. Now there is burning goblins and panic.
Prince Charming turns to go.
"Hey Pumpernickel!" someone yells.
He stops and turns back, his eyes aflame with sudden fury.
A flagon of wine hits him in the chest as he tries to block and scream. The troll turns around and clocks the Prince with Grimm who is the one (as it turned out later) who threw the flagon of wine.
Then the troll turns into a frog. I turn to find one of the witches standing next to me.
"All I wanted was one lousy drink." she says.
I gulp.
"Tell Ralph to call me." she says and chucks me under the chin.
I swear, this is what happened.
also I am going to kill Ralph.
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