When in Rome or Finally The Rescue

What the heck is Rome?

"Not what but where darling," Ismie says as we walk into the cells.
I just realized that the Narrator always titles these entries in my journal. This makes me nervous.
"It's called foreboding. He is planning evil things for your future." Ismie says as we look at the collective of my friends and their new collection of jail-friends.

"Hi," I say waving at Max and Jane. "Miss me?"

"Well, it's about bloody time!" Jane manages to yell before Max slaps his hand over her mouth then makes an awful face when she bites his finger.
"It's been a few weeks since you left," Max says through gritted teeth.
"It's not my fault," I reply, " It was the narrator who went off to do other things."
"Who?" Max asks.
"That is some bloody fine excuse girl!" Grimm snarls from his cage. "I am no animal girl!"
"Look, could we speed this up, perhaps?" Prince Charming asks from his cell.
"You!" A troll screams lunging for the bars.
"Me?" I squawk.
"Not you, twit. HER!" The Troll snarls.
I look at Ismie, she shrugs.
"Me," She says.
"I'm gonna kill you!" It snarls.
"I think not." Ismie who twitches her wand.
"What are you going to do?" the garden gnome snarls. "DAMN!"
"Do we need the keys?" I ask, Ismie hands them over. I start unlocking cells. Max embraces me as I open his and Jane's. We kiss.







and kiss.







"I think we get the point," Jane interrupts.
Max lets me go.
I hand him the keys and make some oblique hand gestures.
Jane embraces me. We kiss







and kiss.
"WE GET THE POINT!!!" Grimm yells.
Ismie embraces me.
"STOP!" EVERYONE yells.
Ismie gives me a peck on the cheek.
"There's always tomorrow," she says and turns Grimm into a garden gnome.
"What did you do that!" Grimm squeaks. "Hey, I don't squeak!"
"Just wondered if it would work," Ismie says. "Dwarves resist magic so you just never know."
"Gnome's are basically Dwarves." Another garden gnome says.... it's the annoying one- can't remember his name.
"Hey! My name is Sproggut-"
Right the annoying one.
"Hey! I wasn't finished, My name is-"
"Well, it is about time! Did you get my treasure?"
It's Prince Charming.
"Technically no," I answer.
"Technically, you were supposed to slay the dragon." He says trying to look casual and authoritarian at the same time.
"Technicalities," I say thinking that he'll never pull off anything but confused.
"I can see why you are still single," he fires back.
"I can see why you are still a virgin!" I fire back.
"I am not a virgin." He says weakl-
"Stop doing that!"
Stop doing what?
"Making me look bad by assigning passive descriptions to how I talk."
Oh.
"Yes, oh," He says triumphantly.


"Don't stop," Max says. "This is good stuff."
Everyone is watching us argue.
"Oh grow up!" Prince IgotanegothesizeofCharon yells.
"I DO NOT!" He yells.
"Charon is pretty big," His Man-at-Arms remarks.
"Who's side are you on!" Prince Touchypants accuses.
"Oh, that's mature." Duke Ivan says from the doorway.
"You are such a virgin," I reply.
"That's the last straw, I will smite you even if you are a girl, Girlie!"
I punch him. He goes down like a pageboy at his first knife fight.
"I suppose, I will have to protest about that." The Man-at-Arms says.
We look down at Mister Glassjaw together.
"Nah." I say.
Ismie joins us.
"Nice punch."
"I need a Drink." Grimm says.
"You're going alone, if you think we are going back to the Parasite Inn."

Interludes in magic.

The Narrator's gone on hiatus, again.

I feel like we are standing frozen in place each time that old bastard decides to take a break and go play with Frank or Dixon or the Spartan or whoever else he's got going on the side and ignore me!
you bastard!
you bastard!
you bastard!

"Who are you yelling at?" Ismie asks.
"Nobody... what gives you that idea?"
"Well you are screaming at that book and hammering it on the desk at the same time."
She's right, we are in the middle of a jailbreak and I lose it.
Still, am I the only one that knows we've been standing here about to go free my friends for a month while that bastard picks his nose and plays with his other books?

I like milk, sipped slowly from a saucer- and to be scratched behind my ears by Ismie's long fingernails. I curl into her lap and purr to my heart's content. This is the perfect life for a kitten.
No, wait- he didn't- he wouldn't! HE DID!

Ismie looks down at me in curled up in her perfect lap.

"Have you learned your lesson yet?'

Maybe.

"What have you learned?" Ismie asks.

Don't call the writer/narrator a bastard.

"Whose story are we trapped in?" Duke Ivan says (a frozen wail on his unhappy face)

"I dunno my lord, but he's one temperamental wizard to be sure." Rupert says still stuck in mid jump in the air. "Been like this for a month and I really need to pee-"

Fine!
I am sorry I called you a bastard.

I look around hopefully.

Something worked because I am standing next to Ismie who brushes cat fur off her skirt.

One Get out of Jail Card Later

Together we stood in front of the Duke's Jailhouse.
"So this is it?" Ismie asks.
"Yep," Me, ever prolific.
"It looks dirty." 
"You've never been here?"
"Nope." I am not the only one.
"I just figured that- since you frequent that Inn..."
"Remember who you are talking to," Ismie says, big wink, hip nudge.
"Ah," I mock slap my forehead. "The Witch."
"Damn Skippy." Ismie says as she turns, taps one perfect finger against her lovely lips looking thoughtful.
"Nice."
"Thanks," I try.
"Shall we go in?" Ismie says as she waves her other hand and the doors open wide.



On the inside, we encounter the Duke's guards. They leer at us. 
I try leering back. It doesn't work. Apparently, you have to be a swarthy, mostly unwashed man to leer.
"Hey!"
"What?"
"That's hardly fair!" One guard declares, "I bathe often enough."
"How many times is often?" I ask sweetly.
"3 or 4 times a week."
"Ewww." 
"No matter," Ismie says to them. "We are here to fetch the prisoners."
"Oh you are, are you?" The beefiest one says as he steps forward, planting his large fists on his hips.
"Yes," Ismie says cocking her own hip out before settling her right hand on it.
"Well, You will have to pay all their fines." The man says.
"Nope," Ismie says.
"Yep," I add, not really knowing what else to say.
Ismie looks at me.
"Sorry," I add, blushing, "forgot my lines."
"Tut, tut," Ismie says, "Practice makes perfect."
"Hey!" A short man pushes past the large swarthy- decidedly unwashed man with the large hands. "What's-"
"I told you I bathe!" The Gaurd says throwing up a finger to point at me.
"Shaddup!" The shorter man yells in the guard's face... well, he yells up at the man's face.
"Look!" The shorter man says turning to face me. "I am not that short."
Ismie and I look down at him.
"You two are unnaturally tall!" he adds.
Ismie and I look down at him.
"There's a fine and you have to pay it or else!" He says.
"Or else what?" Ismie looks down at him.
"You two bimbos can take a hike before we toss you in with the other vermin."
Someone in the cells behind the guards starts yelling "I knew you were the rat!"

"Did you just call me a Bimbo, you little toad?" Ismie says softly, although the way she says it might as well have been a banshee scream.
"Yes, I did," The Shorter man says and gives me two fingers.
Ismie looks at him for a moment then turns him into a toad.
The large swarthy guard screams in terror.
"I am not screaming!" the screaming guard yells at me.
"Why is everything so big?" says the toad. "Oh, nuts."

The Trouble with Witches

We look for a nice table in the Parasite Inn.
Rather, the patrons spot Ismie (I mean she does stand out) and scatter in a semi-fluid not really constrained manner abandoning most of the tables in the room, just in case, she chooses the one where they were sitting. Ismie watches this with some amusement.
"Is this normal?" I ask.
"Yup," Ismie says. "Ever since I first said I was a witch, most everyone who has heard it scatters as if I am a loose wand shooting spells all willy nilly."
"Ah."
Ismie walks through the abandoned tables, ignoring them until she reaches an empty corner.  We pause in the alcove.
Ismie whips out her wand.
The room goes into panic mode as the patrons flee in all directions, out windows, under tables, over the bar, up the stairs, into the ladies room.
"Dinerosa," Ismie whispers and with a pop a nice table and two chairs appears in the alcove. The table has a tablecloth with blue stars on a black backdrop, white china and slim wine glasses, utensils made of white pearl and pepper and salt shakers made to look like gnomes.
"Have a seat," Ismie says as she slides into the other one, she snaps her fingers in the air.
I sit down opposite her, my back to the wall, she is against the other wall and the Inn is to my left. I am struck again by her beauty.
"Thanks, that's really nice of you to keep saying that," Ismie says.
I blush and feel my heart do tiny flip flops.
"It happens. I like being with you too, I mean you are a sweet kid, a lot like your dad....I mean-" Ismie says, looks guiltily at her hands before whispering "whoops."
I gawk at her caught between fear, surprise and a certain dread that I know what she just really said.
"Any chance we could just forget I said that?" She ventures.
"You hate my father," I say, but I already know something is wrong with the statement.
"I don't hate Devin. He's an idiot, for sure, I might dislike him for the way he goes on with your mother, Saran," Ismie takes a deep breath, snaps her fingers again, looks across the bar, wave her wand. The wine arrives in 2 counts and is poured and the waitress disappears as fast as she appeared.
"Devin, I mean dad, is not my real father....the gnome Sprogsgu- was telling the truth," I say slowly.
Ismie gulps down the wine makes a face, taps the glass with her wand twice before tossing back the whole glass. She looks a bit sick and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry Charlie. I guess I may be as bad as Sprogsgutton when it comes to confidences."
"Wait that Gnome's name is Sprogsgutton?"
"Finally!" The gnome practically screams it from under the table.
We both look under the table to find Sprogsgutton there with both hands clamped over his mouth.
Sprogsgutton nods, still holding his hands over his mouth and scampers for the door, his new weasel tail swishing behind him.
I feel sick. I take a sip of the wine.
Ismie puts her hand on mine. It is oddly comforting. I should be angry.
"It's good that you aren't," Ismie says. "I mean you probably would have figured it out eventually."
"Is Queen Sam-" I choke on a sudden rush of fear.
"She is," Ismie says squeezing my hand, I feel better.
"Then..... Devin isn't- I mean that means Ralph is my-"
"Well, not exactly," Ismie says. She drinks more wine. "Sheesh, this is harder than it looks."
"So, Ralph isn't my father then who is?" I say, but I know that Ralph is.
"Ralph is technically your dad," Ismie starts then stops then laughs. "This is the trouble with witches."
"Ralph's a wizard.... isn't he?"
Ismie stops, opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again.
"It's complicated by magic and science." She finally says.
"What?"
Ismie looks over at the rest of the bar, everyone is studiously not listening to every word we have said.
"Stupify!" Ismie yells and the entire inn flees out the windows and doors.
"Did you just cast a spell?" I ask watching the rapid retreat.
"Did it look like a spell?" Ismie says pocketing her wand.
"Nope," Prince Charlie, magical expert.
"Well, they thought it was a spell," Ismie says.

A pregnant silence follows.

"Hmph, that's a word Ralph would use," Ismie says. "Look, Charlie, it's like this. Your dad, Devin was shooting blanks and Saran asked Ralph for help and he asked me since Wizards are bad with babies."
"Shooting blanks....?" I struggle to imagine Devin shooting anything.
Ismie stops, opens her mouth then closes it.
"Oh," I say. "The Birds and the Rabbits speech." I slap my forehead. I got that speech about 5 times from 4 different people at 5 different times.... none of which made sense. I later went to Ralph who gave me a book that made even less sense. In the end, Queen Sam explained it to me.
"Dad's is infertile?" I ask.
"He was, at the time," Ismie said. "No one knew it. I found out after an old Hag by the name of Malificnessa let it slip one night after a few drinks that Devin's Dad Kevin had insulted her Mother Magnifica and that Mag had curse Devin's family line with impotence for the insult. Malificnessa then said that her mom wasn't the best at curses and screwed up the curse but the end result was still sterility, so no one fixed it."
"I have a Grandfather?"
"Technically he's not your grandfather," Ismie says. "Technically he's an Oak Tree in the courtyard."
"Oh," I say, "You mean the one with the swing."
"That would be the one," Ismie says.
That's the trouble with witches, they seldom really forgive anyone.
"We do forgive but it does help if there is an apology."

"Anyway, I told Ralph who told your Mom and we came up with a plan to give King Devin a child."
So I am a child of Magic.
"Well, artificial insemination," Ismie adds.
"Artificial insemi- what?"
"Magic," Ismie says. "I had no other idea what it was before I cast it either, only Ralph does.
"And my brother?"
"Well, he is really Devin's child," Ismie says. "Those curses traded at your twelfth birthday had side effects."
"Oh," Because this somehow makes sense.
"I'm assuming that-" Ismie says. "I wasn't there, but given the accuracy of spell casting anything is suspect."
"So I am Ralph's Brat Kid after all."

"Told you so."
I punch Sprogsgutton in the nose without even looking at him.
"I'm sorry!" he screams as he flies across the room.
Ismie watches him go.
"I hate Gnomes."
"That makes two of us," Ismie says.

"Uh, a couple of things, Charlie?" Ismie says after Sprogsgutton hits the wall and shatters into several hundred ceramic pieces.
"Yeah?' I say, not surprised that Ismie would recurse the gnome at this point.
"Devin doesn't know." Ismie sighs. "So, if you corner Ralph over this, it would be nice not to do it in earshot."
"I wasn't going to tell my father anything."
We watch the Garden Gnome put himself back together.
"Ralph on the other hand-"
"I have a thing for Ralph if you haven't noticed," Ismie says, "So please don't be too hard on him."
"I am not going to kill him," I say, "He is my father, technically speaking."
"You did punch King Dev in the gut," Ismie says.
"So, I could punch Ralph in the gut. That would be allowed?"
"I would advise against it. You don't want trouble with Wizards, even the ones who are your father."
"Good point."

What Really happened at the Parasite Inn..the rest of the story

"Have you ever heard of Pol Harvey?"
Ralph the Somewhat Stupendous asked me this when I was twelve.
I said yes- who had not heard of Pol Harvey, I had no idea who he was but I was eager to impress Ralph, because I wanted to learn magic and I figured impressing Ralph was a good way to start.
"Pol Harvey was the greatest salesman the world had ever known." Ralph said and chucked me under the chin, it was his way of telling me to give up lying as I was really bad at it.
What did he sell? I asked
"Endorsements."
What is an endorsement? I asked.
"It is a master stroke of genius."
Do you sell endorsements? I asked because it sounded like magic. Maybe I could learn to sell endorsements.
"Nope." Ralph said waggling his eyebrows at me, you can see why, at twelve, I wanted to learn from Ralph, he could do such awesome things.
"Pol Harvey would say a thing like a filter or heater was good and because everyone knew that he was the most honest and thorough person on the radio- they would immediately buy whatever he was endorsing."
Why was he considered honest and thorough if all he was selling was a fillet and seat? I asked.
Ralph laughed a lot at this. I grinned because Ralph laughed at all my jokes...no, wait- I think I have a sudden clarity now. Should I get back to Stonehaven, Ralph and I are going to have long talk about certain things...
Where was I?
"You were going to explain to me-"  Max remarked from where he was hanging from the candlelabra in the rafters. He looks really upset, but it might be the mashed potatoes smeared on his face. "what the rest of the story- oh no, no, no, no, noooo!" there a sound of metal screaming as the links in the chains come apart as Max desperately tries to keep them together but to no avail and down he goes back into the fray.
The Parasite Inn is a full out melee, flying arms, legs, hair, beer, beer steins, cups and curses. I crawl through the chaos of legs and boots and sandals and pumps. I find Max at the bottom of a jumble of wax and wood.
"As I was saying..." I began.
Max looks very cute in his upside down gape of disbelief that I would just resume a conversation in an all out brawl.
"Pol Harvey was actually a journalist who would report on a story about something and then he'd stop after telling the known part of his story, then he would do his endorsement and then after the endorsement was over, he would say 'and now for the Rest of the Story.'
And?
"And then Pol Harvey would tell all about what was really going on in the story, in brilliant detail so that his listeners would come away with opened minds knowing that they now held all the real details about whatever Pol Harvey was telling.."
Ralph stops, raises an eyebrow and-
They would buy whatever Pol Harvey had endorsed because all of it must be the truth. I said, clapping my hands.
Ralph smiled, the proud teacher. Good times...

"And what do that have to do with our situation?!" Max screams at me.
"Nothing, except I thought it was a good lead-in to the rest of the bar fight." I say, very pleased with myself.
"Your nuts!" Max yells as he jumps to his feet and runs for the door. He doesn't make more than three steps before he is body tackled by a drunk elf.
I shrug and scamper on my hands and knees around a sturdy table to find the ogre crouching behind it.
"Does this happen to you a lot?" he asks.
"No, I figured this was your thing." I respond joining him.
We both hazard a peek over the rim, the scene is not pretty. The orcs have the upper hands as Octo-woman and her thugs are entangled with them, one of the orcs is pulling on Octo-womans hair, she is snarling and wrenching his or her loincloth up at a steep angle. I wince, the ogre winces, her thugs and the orcs are locked in a choking contest and each of them are various shades of gag. Grimm is hacking away with his axe on the shoulder of the troll- no scratch that, Grimm is hammering on the troll's should with the broken haft of his axe, the blade is missing. Metalsprocket is nowhere to be seen- the ogre points to a pair of stubby feet stick out of a cauldron in the fireplace, we hear him screaming incoherently as the Goblins are trying to get the fire relit. A gnome runs by chased by a short man with a pegleg screaming "eggs and bacon" while the drunk elf continues to try to kiss Max on top of the bar. A frying pan hits the elf in the head and he collapses on Max. I look around to see where the frying pan came from and see Jane's bare feet are dangling from one of the rafters. She's up there with a serving girl, I hadn't noticed before.
I sit back down, the ogre ducks down suddenly.
"Trouble."
"Gnolls." He says.
"Ah." a crossbow bolt punches through the wall above us. we both look up at it.
"I liked that whole -rest of the story bit." The ogre muses.
"Thanks." I say as another bolt punches through the wall.
"I should have gone into sales." the ogre remarks.
"I thought ogres ate people."
"That would be trolls." the ogre says, we both laugh. Everyone knows ogres hate people but think they taste awful.
The front door slams open, footsteps race across the floor, there's a crunch and then silence.
"Where is my husband?!" A woman yells. A big woman.
"How do you know she's big?" the ogre asks.
She sounds big.
"Aw crap, nice to meet you all, got to go." the ogre adds.
"Shreeeee-" The ogre pops up.
"Hi- Honeybuns!" he says.
"Don't you Honeybuns me!" She yells.
I turn around and peek over.
There is an ogress stands in the door, replete with cudgel-
"It's a rolling pin!" the ogre says.
Oh, my bad.
"Who is that woman!"
I look at the ogre, he shrugs.
"Just met her, my sweets." He says, "Is that a warhorse?"
"Don't you try to distract me! You great cretinous oaf!" the ogress yells. "You've got a lot of-"
A white warhorse charges into her and they go down into a jumble of limbs and hooves and orcs and seafood.
A rather familiar knight picks himself up from the floor.
Jane claps her hands.
It's Prince Charming, the twit who didn't want to get involved in rescuing us.
I wave.
He stares at me, then the dragon head which is still next to the door (a bit trampled on) and then at the fray.
The ogre jumps headfirst out the window. The ogress punches the warhorse out cold, the warhorse
collapse on Alex who was attempting to make for the door again.
Prince Charming turns and waves behind him, his man-at-arms trots up, the prince gestures at the mess therein. The man-at-arms apologizes and calls for backup. 10 soldiers charge into the room. They are tackled by 12 drunken elven women who appear out of nowhere (I just made that up).
They stop as the gnolls turn on them with crossbows and dive for cover.
"Sound the Retreat!" the Man-at-arms shouts, then is kicked between the legs by the troll, he cries out "Oh Mama" before falling face forward into the goblins who have just got a fire lit. Now there is burning goblins and panic.
Prince Charming turns to go.
"Hey Pumpernickel!" someone yells.
He stops and turns back, his eyes aflame with sudden fury.
A flagon of wine hits him in the chest as he tries to block and scream. The troll turns around and clocks the Prince with Grimm who is the one (as it turned out later) who threw the flagon of wine.
Then the troll turns into a frog. I turn to find one of the witches standing next to me.
"All I wanted was one lousy drink." she says.
I gulp.
"Tell Ralph to call me." she says and chucks me under the chin.

I swear, this is what happened.

also I am going to kill Ralph.

Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 16...who am I kidding, exit stage left

So here is the scene. there is a lone tower....I mean a four story shaft of a former 7 story tower missing the top two floors which only moments before were launched into the air following a mysterious explosion that demolished the fifth story save for the stairwell, a three foot section of hallway and a stone door frame. Everything else around the three of us blew upward and outward in a savage blast radius shattering the surrounding castle, dragon and castle walls.
From where I crouch over Jane I see nothing but smoke and sky.
Jane sits up and looks around then turns to me and says.
"Why describe it as savage?"
"Uh."
"I totally agree." Max says still clutching the three foot section of wall next to the stairwell.
"Why not say brutal instead." Jane as carefully sitting up, we are now intimately close.
"Uh."
"Prolific as always I see." Max notes.
"Grr."
Yup, Prince Charlie the brave just growled. I so suck at this hero stuff.
Jane makes a purring noise and then drags me to floor to kiss me and for about six heartbeats I totally panic until I realize she is not actually kissing me and we both burst into hysterical laughter.
"You two are hilarious." Max grumbles.
We both look at him, he still has his deathgrip on the wall which slowly crumbles away behind him and then he is cartwheeling as he falls backward down to the floor screaming in panic.
"I hate both of you right now." He comments from his prone position on the rubble.

"There's nothing left."
"Where's the other dragon?"
We look around.
1 tower (if you can call it that), rubble-lots and lots of rubble, smoke, bits of cloth, and a fresh ocean breeze. All in all, the new view of the coastline and ocean is quite spectacular.
No dragon though.
This bothers me, a lot.
There is what the wizard calls the pregnant silence.
Why is or rather how can silence be pregnant? Women are seldom silent when pregnant, so I think the wizard is wacko.
Then our sky is filled with dragon as he comes over the lip of the cliff, wings wide, trailing smoke and flame.
"Grea-aaat" Max says from his prone position.
Jane looks, I look, Max looks.
We look.
Then the dragon screams in fury and spins away from us and we see a very crispy Cogspinner clinging to the back of the dragon.
He is screaming something but I cannot make it out.
We look at each other, Jane shrugs, none of us can tell what he is screaming.
Then the dragon takes flight down the coastline and vanishes from view.
"What was he screaming?" I say not expecting an answer.
"He was screaming Help me or Fuke you all!" Grimm says from where his head peeks over the rim of the stairwell. "Who knows? Gnomes are incredibly hard to understand."

"This is all your fault." Grimm says.

"My fault?"

"Yes. If you hadn't scared that fellow, I would be enjoying a stiff drink right now."

Fortunately my foot reaches Grimms head. So I kick him down the stairs,
Max crawls over to watch his descent.

"Oh look, Dwarves bounce." Max comments.

Grimm yells "Fuke you all!" All the way down the stairs.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 13

Once upon a time, there are a handsome princess and a beautiful princess and their cohorts and minions trapped in a tower by 1 hormonal dragon and 1 immature rebellious dragon. Once upon a time there was such things as sane fairy tales that my mother told me that were definitely not like this mess. I blame that goblin named Dizney.

My names is Charles, my friends and mother call me Charlie. My father is a lovable idiot who named me Charlie and made me a prince. I am a girl not a boy, and it did not matter one bit to my father on that subject.
So I am Prince Charlie who did not actually rescue Princess Jane who hates her name. I guess being called Plain Jane kind of stinks. She is now a very close friend, mostly because she makes me feel like a girl. I mean Max makes me feel all hot and warm but I suspect that is something entirely different since I just want to hug Jane. Mostly I am caught between my desire to punch Max and or kiss him.
Today, I am going to come up with a new name for Jane, she deserves something better than just Jane. When I suggest this to Grimm, the dwarf rolls his eyes and shakes his head then stalks off saying: "of all the things to waste time on..."
Max thinks this is a great idea, then he starts making suggestions. 
"Izmerelda!'
No.
"Sherezadi"
No.
"Bellefontane!"
What the heck is that?
"Never mind."
No.
"Shelia?"
No, definitely not.
"Bubblesticks!"
No Gnome names, are you insane?
"Grismalda."
No Dwarven names either.
"Esabol."
Gods no.
"Pat."
Now you are just mocking me.
"Pattie?"
I punch him.
Max wishes me luck and goes away to commiserate with Grimm on the unreasonableness of women.
"What to you think about Emma?" I say to Jane.
"You mean Princess Emma?"
"Well if I have to marry you, I guess that won't work."
Jane laughs and slings one arm around me as we look out her window at the rocky coastline.
"We make quite the pair." She says. I lean my head against hers.
"We will knock 'em dead, should we ever get out of this place."
"Yes, when you conceive this brilliant plan."
"I was holding out on sheer dumb luck."
That was when there was a loud boom and the tower shook.
We both look at each other and then sprint out the door, me in the lead, Jane holding my hand.
We arrive to find Grimm and Max and Crawley looking out the upper door not at the ground but at the sky.
"Fuking Goblins." Grimm says.
Max slaps him on the back.
Grimm glowers at Max who has a big silly grin on his face.
"Wait for it."
Our two goblins Sodimir and Crackstew are making their escape via a rocket chair.
"Ummm where did they get a rocket chair."
"That twas my chair.' Crawley says as it shoots past us.
"So long Suckers!" Crackstew shouts.
Sodimir starts to wave goodbye and say something but loses his grip and with a look of utter horror falls back past us. 
"Fujera-!" he screams. There is no splat only a crunch and gulp noise as the teen dragon catches him and swallows him in a few sickening chews.
Jane watches Sodimir's demise with a look of grim satisfaction, squeezing my hand.
"What are we waiting for?" I ask.
"That." Max says as he points back at the rocket chair as it reaches it's apogee only to come apart at the joints. Max hands me a handful of nails.
"You're welcome" he says as Crackstew starts screaming and cursing.
Right now I love Max more than coffee.
Grimm blushes as the obscenities continue as Crackstew hangs onto one last rocket strapped to a chair leg.
"Fujerack you all." is the last thing he screams as his rocket runs out of fuel and he goes into descent right over the outer wall. 
"Well look at that." Grimm says as he watches Crackstew make impact. "Goblins bounce.'