Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 16...who am I kidding, exit stage left

So here is the scene. there is a lone tower....I mean a four story shaft of a former 7 story tower missing the top two floors which only moments before were launched into the air following a mysterious explosion that demolished the fifth story save for the stairwell, a three foot section of hallway and a stone door frame. Everything else around the three of us blew upward and outward in a savage blast radius shattering the surrounding castle, dragon and castle walls.
From where I crouch over Jane I see nothing but smoke and sky.
Jane sits up and looks around then turns to me and says.
"Why describe it as savage?"
"Uh."
"I totally agree." Max says still clutching the three foot section of wall next to the stairwell.
"Why not say brutal instead." Jane as carefully sitting up, we are now intimately close.
"Uh."
"Prolific as always I see." Max notes.
"Grr."
Yup, Prince Charlie the brave just growled. I so suck at this hero stuff.
Jane makes a purring noise and then drags me to floor to kiss me and for about six heartbeats I totally panic until I realize she is not actually kissing me and we both burst into hysterical laughter.
"You two are hilarious." Max grumbles.
We both look at him, he still has his deathgrip on the wall which slowly crumbles away behind him and then he is cartwheeling as he falls backward down to the floor screaming in panic.
"I hate both of you right now." He comments from his prone position on the rubble.

"There's nothing left."
"Where's the other dragon?"
We look around.
1 tower (if you can call it that), rubble-lots and lots of rubble, smoke, bits of cloth, and a fresh ocean breeze. All in all, the new view of the coastline and ocean is quite spectacular.
No dragon though.
This bothers me, a lot.
There is what the wizard calls the pregnant silence.
Why is or rather how can silence be pregnant? Women are seldom silent when pregnant, so I think the wizard is wacko.
Then our sky is filled with dragon as he comes over the lip of the cliff, wings wide, trailing smoke and flame.
"Grea-aaat" Max says from his prone position.
Jane looks, I look, Max looks.
We look.
Then the dragon screams in fury and spins away from us and we see a very crispy Cogspinner clinging to the back of the dragon.
He is screaming something but I cannot make it out.
We look at each other, Jane shrugs, none of us can tell what he is screaming.
Then the dragon takes flight down the coastline and vanishes from view.
"What was he screaming?" I say not expecting an answer.
"He was screaming Help me or Fuke you all!" Grimm says from where his head peeks over the rim of the stairwell. "Who knows? Gnomes are incredibly hard to understand."

"This is all your fault." Grimm says.

"My fault?"

"Yes. If you hadn't scared that fellow, I would be enjoying a stiff drink right now."

Fortunately my foot reaches Grimms head. So I kick him down the stairs,
Max crawls over to watch his descent.

"Oh look, Dwarves bounce." Max comments.

Grimm yells "Fuke you all!" All the way down the stairs.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 15

So here we are.
Prince Charlie who is probably Princess Charlie.
"Princess Charlotte!"
"Shut up Max!"

Princess Jane who would like to be called Princess Emily.
"Plain Jane!"
"Shut up Max!"

Grimm the Grumpy, my aide-de-camp.
"No argument there."
"Shut up Max!"

Max the Scoundrel or as we like to call him, Mister Smolder!
"Hey, no fair! That's my signature move."
"Not working!"

Just the four of us.
So far we've lost two goblins, goblins exploding in air.
"And bouncing." And bouncing (Grimm seems to find this hilarious).
and Crikey, hot tubbing it into a moat.

I feel like I am missing someone.

"The Gnome, Cogspinner." Grimm says between sips of some homemade concoction he's mixed up out of canned beans, dried fruit and armor oil.
"Yer twitching again Girl." Grimm says.

Yes, but is it imagining that brew or is it that other thing....dammit I have already forgotten it!

"The Gnome."

Dammit the Gnome.
"Where is he, anyway?"

"Brewing this crap." Grimm says. '"Erm, got him chained up in the pantry."

"You left a gnome alone in our food supply?"

"What?" Grimm says, then burps.

"Aren't Gnomes, exceptional thieves and tinkerers? I ask.

Max is already running for the door.
We are both in the hallway when we hear Cogspinner cackling.
Jane looks up from the pantry door as we approach.
"It's locked!" She says as she tries the door knob.
There's an audible click then what sounds like a match being lit.
I dive tackle Jane pushing us both down the hallway.
"What the Heck Char-"
It's at that point the pantry door blows off it's hinges as a gout of blue flame billows out and around us. The explosion is deafening as the entire tower shudders.
I am deaf since Jane is screaming and I can't hear anything. I sit up to find a disheveled Max with torn clothing grabbing me as I somehow manage to keep a grip on Jane to drag us back down the stairs. I am vaguely aware the the top of the tower is now missing. I feel the rush of air as the younger dragon soars over us in a rush of scales and leathery wings.
Max stops, says something to us then starts gesturing madly.
Jane and I look back.

Imagine if you can the top part of our tower in flight soaring away into the sunset accompanied by a lot of flames, a smoking gnome clinging to something that looks like a stove pipe, tons of debris- tower blocks and a dragon in pursuit.
Soaring might be an elaboration.
"....wow that was one hell of a blast radius." Max observes.
Jane and I look at him like he is crazy.
He shrugs and points in the other direction.
As the tower, gnome and debris hit their apogee and then plummet towards the sea, I tear my eyes away from the doom of Cogspinner to look around.
Frankly blast radius might be an understatement.
There is not much left of the castle. I mean the whole thing was a ruin anyway, but what was left is now basically spread out in a circular field of collapsing stone, wood, walls, stairs and- could it be?
Dragon bits.
I know, kind of disgusting and I feel kind of bad since the momma dragon wasn't all that bad except when she was trying to eat us or burn us alive- actually I don't feel that bad.

"Woah." Jane says as she takes in that there is little left as the rest of the castle crashes down like a waves spreading out from where a very large stone has been tossed into water.
"Eww, is that?" She says.
"Yes, that was our nemesis." Max says.
"Make sure you don't lose track of that dragon's head." I say.
The two of them look at me with abject horror.
"What?" I shrug. "I need to give it to my dad."

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 14

So, to recap: the goblins stole Crawley's chair and now he has to sit on the floor.
The only goblin to escape bounced over the way confirming Grimm's theory of elasticity on goblins.
We have almost been rescued once by a handsome prince with a non-competition clause.
We are still stuck in this tower with two annoying ravenous dragons.
We are really sick of canned food.
I am in love with a brilliant man who has no imagination.
Hey, give that back!

"Oh, I'm a brilliant man!"

"With no imagination."

"We'll see about that!"

I spend the next hour chasing Max up and down the tower until he trips over Grimm and I tackle him.
We roll around on the floor until we both surrender in giggles (from us) and grumbles (from Grimm).
Jane- I mean Emma comes in and looks down at the two of us lying on top of Grimm. She shakes her head and sits down next to me.
We sit up and try to look serious.
Grimm stands up and swears in a language I have never heard, but it sounds violent and bad, then glowers at me.

"This is all your fault!" and stomps out of the room.

"Was he talking to me?" Max says.

The two of us girls look at Max and nod.

Max hangs his head.

"I guess I need to apologize?" he says peeking up at me through his hair.

He is so cute. Jane giggles and then I burst out in giggles too.

Max sits up with a look of triumph on his face.

"Sonovabirch!" Grimm yells.

We all look to where he just left.

"You're dead now Max." Jane says

"Yeah-" I start to say then Grimm starts cursing even more.

Curiosity overcomes all of us and we wander out to the window (well one of them).

Grimm is leaning out the window and yelling curses at the ground.

"Where's Crawley?" I ask looking around.

"Getting inspired by goblins!" Grimm yells "You bastard, I hope you burn!"

We crowd to the window and look down.
There is nothing new down there. I mean there is the rubble, the remains of bones and zeppelin, and wagons and a bathtub and...
The tub gets up and moves slowly for a while in the general direction of the gate.
Grimm keeps swearing until he realize that we are just looking at him.
"What?"
"Well, it is a pretty smart plan." Max points out.
"Here comes the dragon." Emma says (hey! I am just trying the name out.)

Sure enough, in comes teenage dragon who belches a gout of fire which flows over the cast iron tub. No visible result. The tub takes the blast well, then rises a bit and continues scooting out of the courtyard.

"Well look at that." Max says.

"Here comes mama dragon." Emma says.

Sure enough mama dragon leaps over the teenage dragon lands on the tub and grasps at it.
To it's credit the tub refuses to be crushed and the mama dragon's claw fails to fin purchase on it's smooth bottom. The legs have been removed.

"Well look at that." Max says.

The mama dragon stands up looks at the tub and shrugs. The tub scoots away. Both dragons sit there are watch it scoot out onto the drawbridge.

"Uhoh." I say.

Both dragons breath fire onto the drawbridge; for a moment, it looks like nothing happens, then a perceptible crack is heard, then a groan.
Crawley gives a scream of terror, rolls the tub over and makes a run for it even as the drawbridge collapses into splinters about the vastly deep chasm. Crawley and the tub pause as if for effect before plunging down into the abyss.
Crawley screams all the way down.

"Well look at that." Max says.

So much for escapae attempt number 14.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 13

Once upon a time, there are a handsome princess and a beautiful princess and their cohorts and minions trapped in a tower by 1 hormonal dragon and 1 immature rebellious dragon. Once upon a time there was such things as sane fairy tales that my mother told me that were definitely not like this mess. I blame that goblin named Dizney.

My names is Charles, my friends and mother call me Charlie. My father is a lovable idiot who named me Charlie and made me a prince. I am a girl not a boy, and it did not matter one bit to my father on that subject.
So I am Prince Charlie who did not actually rescue Princess Jane who hates her name. I guess being called Plain Jane kind of stinks. She is now a very close friend, mostly because she makes me feel like a girl. I mean Max makes me feel all hot and warm but I suspect that is something entirely different since I just want to hug Jane. Mostly I am caught between my desire to punch Max and or kiss him.
Today, I am going to come up with a new name for Jane, she deserves something better than just Jane. When I suggest this to Grimm, the dwarf rolls his eyes and shakes his head then stalks off saying: "of all the things to waste time on..."
Max thinks this is a great idea, then he starts making suggestions. 
"Izmerelda!'
No.
"Sherezadi"
No.
"Bellefontane!"
What the heck is that?
"Never mind."
No.
"Shelia?"
No, definitely not.
"Bubblesticks!"
No Gnome names, are you insane?
"Grismalda."
No Dwarven names either.
"Esabol."
Gods no.
"Pat."
Now you are just mocking me.
"Pattie?"
I punch him.
Max wishes me luck and goes away to commiserate with Grimm on the unreasonableness of women.
"What to you think about Emma?" I say to Jane.
"You mean Princess Emma?"
"Well if I have to marry you, I guess that won't work."
Jane laughs and slings one arm around me as we look out her window at the rocky coastline.
"We make quite the pair." She says. I lean my head against hers.
"We will knock 'em dead, should we ever get out of this place."
"Yes, when you conceive this brilliant plan."
"I was holding out on sheer dumb luck."
That was when there was a loud boom and the tower shook.
We both look at each other and then sprint out the door, me in the lead, Jane holding my hand.
We arrive to find Grimm and Max and Crawley looking out the upper door not at the ground but at the sky.
"Fuking Goblins." Grimm says.
Max slaps him on the back.
Grimm glowers at Max who has a big silly grin on his face.
"Wait for it."
Our two goblins Sodimir and Crackstew are making their escape via a rocket chair.
"Ummm where did they get a rocket chair."
"That twas my chair.' Crawley says as it shoots past us.
"So long Suckers!" Crackstew shouts.
Sodimir starts to wave goodbye and say something but loses his grip and with a look of utter horror falls back past us. 
"Fujera-!" he screams. There is no splat only a crunch and gulp noise as the teen dragon catches him and swallows him in a few sickening chews.
Jane watches Sodimir's demise with a look of grim satisfaction, squeezing my hand.
"What are we waiting for?" I ask.
"That." Max says as he points back at the rocket chair as it reaches it's apogee only to come apart at the joints. Max hands me a handful of nails.
"You're welcome" he says as Crackstew starts screaming and cursing.
Right now I love Max more than coffee.
Grimm blushes as the obscenities continue as Crackstew hangs onto one last rocket strapped to a chair leg.
"Fujerack you all." is the last thing he screams as his rocket runs out of fuel and he goes into descent right over the outer wall. 
"Well look at that." Grimm says as he watches Crackstew make impact. "Goblins bounce.'