50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 16...who am I kidding, exit stage left

So here is the scene. there is a lone tower....I mean a four story shaft of a former 7 story tower missing the top two floors which only moments before were launched into the air following a mysterious explosion that demolished the fifth story save for the stairwell, a three foot section of hallway and a stone door frame. Everything else around the three of us blew upward and outward in a savage blast radius shattering the surrounding castle, dragon and castle walls.
From where I crouch over Jane I see nothing but smoke and sky.
Jane sits up and looks around then turns to me and says.
"Why describe it as savage?"
"Uh."
"I totally agree." Max says still clutching the three foot section of wall next to the stairwell.
"Why not say brutal instead." Jane as carefully sitting up, we are now intimately close.
"Uh."
"Prolific as always I see." Max notes.
"Grr."
Yup, Prince Charlie the brave just growled. I so suck at this hero stuff.
Jane makes a purring noise and then drags me to floor to kiss me and for about six heartbeats I totally panic until I realize she is not actually kissing me and we both burst into hysterical laughter.
"You two are hilarious." Max grumbles.
We both look at him, he still has his deathgrip on the wall which slowly crumbles away behind him and then he is cartwheeling as he falls backward down to the floor screaming in panic.
"I hate both of you right now." He comments from his prone position on the rubble.

"There's nothing left."
"Where's the other dragon?"
We look around.
1 tower (if you can call it that), rubble-lots and lots of rubble, smoke, bits of cloth, and a fresh ocean breeze. All in all, the new view of the coastline and ocean is quite spectacular.
No dragon though.
This bothers me, a lot.
There is what the wizard calls the pregnant silence.
Why is or rather how can silence be pregnant? Women are seldom silent when pregnant, so I think the wizard is wacko.
Then our sky is filled with dragon as he comes over the lip of the cliff, wings wide, trailing smoke and flame.
"Grea-aaat" Max says from his prone position.
Jane looks, I look, Max looks.
We look.
Then the dragon screams in fury and spins away from us and we see a very crispy Cogspinner clinging to the back of the dragon.
He is screaming something but I cannot make it out.
We look at each other, Jane shrugs, none of us can tell what he is screaming.
Then the dragon takes flight down the coastline and vanishes from view.
"What was he screaming?" I say not expecting an answer.
"He was screaming Help me or Fuke you all!" Grimm says from where his head peeks over the rim of the stairwell. "Who knows? Gnomes are incredibly hard to understand."

"This is all your fault." Grimm says.

"My fault?"

"Yes. If you hadn't scared that fellow, I would be enjoying a stiff drink right now."

Fortunately my foot reaches Grimms head. So I kick him down the stairs,
Max crawls over to watch his descent.

"Oh look, Dwarves bounce." Max comments.

Grimm yells "Fuke you all!" All the way down the stairs.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 15

So here we are.
Prince Charlie who is probably Princess Charlie.
"Princess Charlotte!"
"Shut up Max!"

Princess Jane who would like to be called Princess Emily.
"Plain Jane!"
"Shut up Max!"

Grimm the Grumpy, my aide-de-camp.
"No argument there."
"Shut up Max!"

Max the Scoundrel or as we like to call him, Mister Smolder!
"Hey, no fair! That's my signature move."
"Not working!"

Just the four of us.
So far we've lost two goblins, goblins exploding in air.
"And bouncing." And bouncing (Grimm seems to find this hilarious).
and Crikey, hot tubbing it into a moat.

I feel like I am missing someone.

"The Gnome, Cogspinner." Grimm says between sips of some homemade concoction he's mixed up out of canned beans, dried fruit and armor oil.
"Yer twitching again Girl." Grimm says.

Yes, but is it imagining that brew or is it that other thing....dammit I have already forgotten it!

"The Gnome."

Dammit the Gnome.
"Where is he, anyway?"

"Brewing this crap." Grimm says. '"Erm, got him chained up in the pantry."

"You left a gnome alone in our food supply?"

"What?" Grimm says, then burps.

"Aren't Gnomes, exceptional thieves and tinkerers? I ask.

Max is already running for the door.
We are both in the hallway when we hear Cogspinner cackling.
Jane looks up from the pantry door as we approach.
"It's locked!" She says as she tries the door knob.
There's an audible click then what sounds like a match being lit.
I dive tackle Jane pushing us both down the hallway.
"What the Heck Char-"
It's at that point the pantry door blows off it's hinges as a gout of blue flame billows out and around us. The explosion is deafening as the entire tower shudders.
I am deaf since Jane is screaming and I can't hear anything. I sit up to find a disheveled Max with torn clothing grabbing me as I somehow manage to keep a grip on Jane to drag us back down the stairs. I am vaguely aware the the top of the tower is now missing. I feel the rush of air as the younger dragon soars over us in a rush of scales and leathery wings.
Max stops, says something to us then starts gesturing madly.
Jane and I look back.

Imagine if you can the top part of our tower in flight soaring away into the sunset accompanied by a lot of flames, a smoking gnome clinging to something that looks like a stove pipe, tons of debris- tower blocks and a dragon in pursuit.
Soaring might be an elaboration.
"....wow that was one hell of a blast radius." Max observes.
Jane and I look at him like he is crazy.
He shrugs and points in the other direction.
As the tower, gnome and debris hit their apogee and then plummet towards the sea, I tear my eyes away from the doom of Cogspinner to look around.
Frankly blast radius might be an understatement.
There is not much left of the castle. I mean the whole thing was a ruin anyway, but what was left is now basically spread out in a circular field of collapsing stone, wood, walls, stairs and- could it be?
Dragon bits.
I know, kind of disgusting and I feel kind of bad since the momma dragon wasn't all that bad except when she was trying to eat us or burn us alive- actually I don't feel that bad.

"Woah." Jane says as she takes in that there is little left as the rest of the castle crashes down like a waves spreading out from where a very large stone has been tossed into water.
"Eww, is that?" She says.
"Yes, that was our nemesis." Max says.
"Make sure you don't lose track of that dragon's head." I say.
The two of them look at me with abject horror.
"What?" I shrug. "I need to give it to my dad."

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 14

So, to recap: the goblins stole Crawley's chair and now he has to sit on the floor.
The only goblin to escape bounced over the way confirming Grimm's theory of elasticity on goblins.
We have almost been rescued once by a handsome prince with a non-competition clause.
We are still stuck in this tower with two annoying ravenous dragons.
We are really sick of canned food.
I am in love with a brilliant man who has no imagination.
Hey, give that back!

"Oh, I'm a brilliant man!"

"With no imagination."

"We'll see about that!"

I spend the next hour chasing Max up and down the tower until he trips over Grimm and I tackle him.
We roll around on the floor until we both surrender in giggles (from us) and grumbles (from Grimm).
Jane- I mean Emma comes in and looks down at the two of us lying on top of Grimm. She shakes her head and sits down next to me.
We sit up and try to look serious.
Grimm stands up and swears in a language I have never heard, but it sounds violent and bad, then glowers at me.

"This is all your fault!" and stomps out of the room.

"Was he talking to me?" Max says.

The two of us girls look at Max and nod.

Max hangs his head.

"I guess I need to apologize?" he says peeking up at me through his hair.

He is so cute. Jane giggles and then I burst out in giggles too.

Max sits up with a look of triumph on his face.

"Sonovabirch!" Grimm yells.

We all look to where he just left.

"You're dead now Max." Jane says

"Yeah-" I start to say then Grimm starts cursing even more.

Curiosity overcomes all of us and we wander out to the window (well one of them).

Grimm is leaning out the window and yelling curses at the ground.

"Where's Crawley?" I ask looking around.

"Getting inspired by goblins!" Grimm yells "You bastard, I hope you burn!"

We crowd to the window and look down.
There is nothing new down there. I mean there is the rubble, the remains of bones and zeppelin, and wagons and a bathtub and...
The tub gets up and moves slowly for a while in the general direction of the gate.
Grimm keeps swearing until he realize that we are just looking at him.
"What?"
"Well, it is a pretty smart plan." Max points out.
"Here comes the dragon." Emma says (hey! I am just trying the name out.)

Sure enough, in comes teenage dragon who belches a gout of fire which flows over the cast iron tub. No visible result. The tub takes the blast well, then rises a bit and continues scooting out of the courtyard.

"Well look at that." Max says.

"Here comes mama dragon." Emma says.

Sure enough mama dragon leaps over the teenage dragon lands on the tub and grasps at it.
To it's credit the tub refuses to be crushed and the mama dragon's claw fails to fin purchase on it's smooth bottom. The legs have been removed.

"Well look at that." Max says.

The mama dragon stands up looks at the tub and shrugs. The tub scoots away. Both dragons sit there are watch it scoot out onto the drawbridge.

"Uhoh." I say.

Both dragons breath fire onto the drawbridge; for a moment, it looks like nothing happens, then a perceptible crack is heard, then a groan.
Crawley gives a scream of terror, rolls the tub over and makes a run for it even as the drawbridge collapses into splinters about the vastly deep chasm. Crawley and the tub pause as if for effect before plunging down into the abyss.
Crawley screams all the way down.

"Well look at that." Max says.

So much for escapae attempt number 14.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 13

Once upon a time, there are a handsome princess and a beautiful princess and their cohorts and minions trapped in a tower by 1 hormonal dragon and 1 immature rebellious dragon. Once upon a time there was such things as sane fairy tales that my mother told me that were definitely not like this mess. I blame that goblin named Dizney.

My names is Charles, my friends and mother call me Charlie. My father is a lovable idiot who named me Charlie and made me a prince. I am a girl not a boy, and it did not matter one bit to my father on that subject.
So I am Prince Charlie who did not actually rescue Princess Jane who hates her name. I guess being called Plain Jane kind of stinks. She is now a very close friend, mostly because she makes me feel like a girl. I mean Max makes me feel all hot and warm but I suspect that is something entirely different since I just want to hug Jane. Mostly I am caught between my desire to punch Max and or kiss him.
Today, I am going to come up with a new name for Jane, she deserves something better than just Jane. When I suggest this to Grimm, the dwarf rolls his eyes and shakes his head then stalks off saying: "of all the things to waste time on..."
Max thinks this is a great idea, then he starts making suggestions. 
"Izmerelda!'
No.
"Sherezadi"
No.
"Bellefontane!"
What the heck is that?
"Never mind."
No.
"Shelia?"
No, definitely not.
"Bubblesticks!"
No Gnome names, are you insane?
"Grismalda."
No Dwarven names either.
"Esabol."
Gods no.
"Pat."
Now you are just mocking me.
"Pattie?"
I punch him.
Max wishes me luck and goes away to commiserate with Grimm on the unreasonableness of women.
"What to you think about Emma?" I say to Jane.
"You mean Princess Emma?"
"Well if I have to marry you, I guess that won't work."
Jane laughs and slings one arm around me as we look out her window at the rocky coastline.
"We make quite the pair." She says. I lean my head against hers.
"We will knock 'em dead, should we ever get out of this place."
"Yes, when you conceive this brilliant plan."
"I was holding out on sheer dumb luck."
That was when there was a loud boom and the tower shook.
We both look at each other and then sprint out the door, me in the lead, Jane holding my hand.
We arrive to find Grimm and Max and Crawley looking out the upper door not at the ground but at the sky.
"Fuking Goblins." Grimm says.
Max slaps him on the back.
Grimm glowers at Max who has a big silly grin on his face.
"Wait for it."
Our two goblins Sodimir and Crackstew are making their escape via a rocket chair.
"Ummm where did they get a rocket chair."
"That twas my chair.' Crawley says as it shoots past us.
"So long Suckers!" Crackstew shouts.
Sodimir starts to wave goodbye and say something but loses his grip and with a look of utter horror falls back past us. 
"Fujera-!" he screams. There is no splat only a crunch and gulp noise as the teen dragon catches him and swallows him in a few sickening chews.
Jane watches Sodimir's demise with a look of grim satisfaction, squeezing my hand.
"What are we waiting for?" I ask.
"That." Max says as he points back at the rocket chair as it reaches it's apogee only to come apart at the joints. Max hands me a handful of nails.
"You're welcome" he says as Crackstew starts screaming and cursing.
Right now I love Max more than coffee.
Grimm blushes as the obscenities continue as Crackstew hangs onto one last rocket strapped to a chair leg.
"Fujerack you all." is the last thing he screams as his rocket runs out of fuel and he goes into descent right over the outer wall. 
"Well look at that." Grimm says as he watches Crackstew make impact. "Goblins bounce.'

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 11-12

Attempt 11: Create a distraction while the rest of us sneak out the back.
Problem #1: Who will be the distraction?
My solution is that it should be Crikey.
Crawley's suggestion that it has to be Jane, since she is the princess and the only person the dragons won't incinerate on the spot.
Jane says it should be the goblins since it's really their fault she's there in the first place.
Max say it should be Grimm since dwarves smell like old beer and taste like sour milk.
Grimm shoves his hand in Max's mouth and says are you sure that's sour milk.
Max is now throwing up. He stops long enough to curse all dwarves.
The goblins say it be me, since I am a better princess than Jane.
Someone speaks up and says that there is no back door.
We all freeze in place and turn to the speaker who is apparently in the closet.
The someone stops speaking (high pitched voice like a small child or maybe a grandparent or both).
The room gets very quiet.....Max and Grimm sneak over to the closet, count to three and then push it over.
There is a high pitched squeak, a crash and then a muffled voice says:
"Real mature- guys."
The goblins suddenly have rusty knife and hooked daggers out.
"Gnomes." They both say.
"Looks like we found our distraction." I say.

It's just one gnome. (think dwarf no beard, not much hair).
He crawls out of the closet, once Grimm opens it to let him out.
He has Jane's bodice on.
"It's not what it looks like." He says holding up his hands.
"You mean you're not a gnome?" Max asks.
"You mean you're not a cross dressing perv?" Jane asks.
Crawley screams inarticulately and goes for his throat, Grimm trips him.
Grimm grunts and says "Smells like a goat more than a gnome."
The Goblins go for the gnome who uses dazzle on them and the goblins wanders around in a daze.
What is dazzle you might ask?
I have no clue, one moment, two bloodthirsty gnomes are racing towards the gnome and then the gnome throws up his hands (well his arms which are really short) and BAM. smoke and bubbles appear out of thin air and the goblins wander around in a stupor.
You asked.

One hour later, Cogspinner, the gnome, is dangling by a rope with a big sheet tied to him reading
"Eat Me." painted on it in tomato juice.
The rest of us are sneaking out the "back" which turns out to be a dead end.
"Fuking Gnomes." Grimm say staring at the collapsed passage out. Looks like the Zeppelin crushed it when it crashed and exploded.
"Told you so." Cogspinner says behind the Sodimir (who jumps out of his skin...figuratively- because otherwise that would be so much eww).
We all turn to glare at the Gnome.
We all stare at the Gnome.
My brain starts screaming.
(No distraction).
"Fuke!" I whisper.

What follows is a mass charge back to the tower.
There is a lot of noise, stumbling, tripping, crying and pushing....mostly by Crawley and the goblins.
But we all make it back inside.
"Fuking Gnomes!" Grimm growls.
Cogspinner shrugs and heads for the pantry with a can opener.

My brain starts screaming.
"Where are the dragons?'
Everyone stops and looks at me.

We go look.
There is a knight fighting the younger dragon- and winning. There is a pack of men-at-arms fighting the other dragon and losing but slowly.
We are at the upper door (the one with no landing).
The Knight stops with his sword locked in the claws of the dragon and looks at us.
We gape at him. He shrugs apologetically and whistles to his men.
One of the men-at-arms disengages and rushes over to the knight.
The knight points at us.
We wave.
The man-at-arms does a facepalm.
What is a facepalm?
let me show you.

The Knight holds up his hand to the Dragon with one finger up in the universal sign of "wait a minute."

The Knight smacks the man-at-arms on the back of his helmet. There is an audible clang.

The Knight sheaths his sword, and shrugs, whistles to the others who desist in their attack and apologize to the rather confused dragon. They walk over to the knight, who turns to us and says.

"Sorry, didn't realize you were already spoken for already, my lady."

He bows and turns on his heel and marches away out of the castle.

The man-at-arms hurries after apologizing.

"Sorry, my prince, our intel assured us that she wasn't rescued yet." 

"Obviously, it was bad intel!" The knight/prince says before disappearing from view.

"Well Fuke." I say.

There is an audible sob from Jane.

So there you have it.

Attempt 11- total fail.

Attempt 12 (the rescue) or as I put it. The Epic Fail.

Jane turns to me, tears on her face and says.

"This IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Then she runs away bawling.

Well crying. That's how Max tries to sell it.

I'd say blubbering.

As it turns out, I get to be the one to go comfort her as I am the only other female.

I would have made Cogspinner do it since he might as well be female....but she hates him more than she hates me.

"Jane?"

I find her in her room. she is huddled in the far corner head on her knees sniffling.

"Go away/" she says trying not to sob again.

"I would but no one will let me out of this room until you forgive me...or kill me."

I go over and sit down next to her. 

She looks at me and I can see she is not really mad at me.

I put my arm around her and she leans her head on my pauldron. Then it hits me.

It's the Fuking armor!

"I think I need some help getting this armor off."

Turns out to be a liberating experience for both of us.

Without the armor, I turn out to be a girl like her. She finally relaxes and a giggle escapes her lips as she gets what I just got.

"It was the armor that killed the rescue." she says quietly while smoothing out my shirt.

I take off the shirt and pants as Jane blushes.

"What?" I ask.

"You are so pretty without all that steel." She says looking at me.

I blush right down to my toes. No one (other than my mother) has ever called me pretty before.

"Can I try on one of your dresses?"

Jane laughs and the moment of admiration goes away as we go to her wardrobe and look through her dresses.

Turns out, we are almost the same height and shape. 

It feels weird wearing a dress. For one thing, I feel the breeze on my legs and- well if you are a guy, try on one sometime or get a kilt if you are too manly for a skirt/dress.

I feel pretty and I am okay with that.

What's more, I have a best friend and coconspirator now. 

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 6-11

I know what you are going to say. I do. I would say it as well if it just weren't so painful.
Sodimir and Crackstew are full of ideas.
Unlucky for us, most of them are downright awful. Lucky for us after the last one the Goblins decided to stop making suggestions.

Attempt 6. Run for it.
Sodimir suggests this one at dinner. Everyone laughs except Sodimir who shrugs then jumps up and runs for it. He gets 35 paces from the door, meets up with a wall of flame and sprints back into the tower. He doesn't smell any worse for it, I mean he already smelt terrible after the exploding zeppelin incident.

Attempt 7. Lucky number does not mean lucky break.
We should all run in different directions. Sodimir's next brilliant plan fails about 4 feet out the door when he realizes that he is again the only one running. He actually stops and turns his back on his impending doom to wag his finger at me (and the others) before he burst into flame and runs back between my legs (I have burn marks on my armor) to plunge into the soup of the day Jane was busy burning on the firepit.
Jane is not talking to me right now for criticizing her cooking.
it also doesn't help that I reassured her that I thought the soup was boiling oil for the dragon or that it should be.
On the bright side Sodimir smells like vegetable stew now.

Attempt 8. Poison the dragons. 
Crackstew has this brilliant idea until Grimm tells him that this is only going to happen if we had a horse or a cow to do it with, since the dragons show no interest in our canned goods (which Max and I take turns running out to the Zeppelin wreckage to retrieve between ideas). Grimm does offer to feed Sodimir to the dragon once we've poisoned him, though.
Sodimir tells Grimm that dwarves taste better than goblins.
Nobody agrees but I point out that smelling like stale beer is only slightly better then smelling like old shoes.
Now Grimm won't talk to me- or the Goblins who thought old shoes smelled really nice.

Attempt 9.  We can bargain with the Dragons.
Crackstew says you can bargain with dragons. 
We all agree (too quickly).
Now Crackstew won't talk to anyone of us now.

Attempt 10. Sodimir can bargain with anything.
You would think the two running incidents would have taught him something.
It did not.
Also. a good rule is to have something to bargain with.
Jane hit Sodimir with a frying pan when he offered to give the dragon the princess.
Sodimir apparently thought I was the princess. Jane tried to apologize but Sodimir won't let her come near him.

Attempt 11. We need a distraction.
Yep, we are still arguing about that one right now.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 4

Parachute/glider.
Breakfast.

"I know, lets make a Parachute!" I announce to all gathered eating something called Canned Hash (which looks disgusting but if you get past the salt and graininess, it is really disgusting but edible).

"What is a Parachute?" Max asks.

"Seriously?" Then it hits me that a parachute is one of Ralph's inventions. So I explain it.

"A parachute is a device made out of cloth-" I began.

"Ooh, like our bed sheets?" Jane interjects.

"Yes! And you gather the corners and tie them with ropes and uh, add some more ropes to the sides near the middle. Then you take the other ends the ropes and tie them to an object like a" I look around trying to remember what Ralph said to tie them to. "a chair."

"And?" Crawley says.

"And we launch it out the door at the top of the tower and parachute down out of the tower."

"Girly, I see a problem here." Grimm says between mouthfuls, of course, he loves this stuff.

"What is that?"

"Assuming this cock-eyed contraption actually works what's going to keep it from going straight down the dragon's gullet?" Grimm adds burp to accentuate his point.

"I, uhm, it will drift away on the breeze?"

"Right!" Grimm says while cleaning out a can with his finger.

"it's a good plan." I grump.

In the end Crikey, I mean Crawley  volunteers to try this item out.
Two hours later, four sheets, 3 left over ropes, and one chair. We are at the upper doorgetting ready, we push the sheets out and Crawley steps out for the chair when a blast of hot air and fire comes up from below and the sheets inflate on the wind and the chair rips out of Crawley's grasp to soar out over the castle.

"Would you look at that?" Grimm says "It works"
Crawley looks sick as the chairachute (yes I wanted to call it that) drifts away

"We can make more-" I begin to say.

Then the sheets catch fire and the whole thing plummets back to the courtyard and smash on the stones into tiny splinters.

"Well, I might have overstated your success girlie." Grimm says.

Crawley still looks disappointed.

Max looks down, puts his arm around me, sighs.

"Well Prince Charming, back to the drawing board?"

I just slouch and stomp my way back inside.

"How about a glider?"

"No."

"How about we tie a rope to the \dwarf and swing him out as bait and when the dragon swallows him we ride the dragon to freedom."

"I think I am going to kill Max."

"Good luck on that stumpy!" Max says before making for the door.

"No!"

They both stop and look at me.
Then Jane looks in at me.
Then Crawley.

I just shrieked out no.

I am such a girl right now.
At first I feel horror
And then the smile comes out.
Max is grinning.
Grimm is not.

It is all good.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

Attempt #2
Rope ladder.
Problem not enough rope.
also it's flammable as max who is currently 40 feet down just found out.
Imagine if you will:
I mean it, imagine it.
Jane, Grimm and Myself peice together six pieces of rope, sheets, 2 belts and one nightgown (I am not judging)
"Dammit all I loved that nightgown!" Crikey Crawley whimpers as Max prepares to descend.

"Relax Crikey." Max says in a placating tone. "I am sure it won't come to harm."

Famous last words.

So down Max went as we struggle to lower him.
Forty foot later, we ran out of rope.
"It's only another 60 or so foot! Jump!" Grimm yells.

"Funny." Max yells back.

"Try swing for that ledge!" I yell.

Max starts swinging out for a ledge some 25 feet away.
We watch him run sideways along the tower side and jump out into space and swing out and up and miss the ledge. On his way back, his shadow alerts the Dragon- let's call him Fussypants.
Fussypants snorts out a fireball which misses Max.

"Ha you missed!" Max yells and laughs.

"Did not." Fussypants yells back.

"I am still her, very unlit." Max retorts.

"Uh Max?" I call as Jane starts screaming.

"Oh crap." Max says and starts a hasty assent.

Crikey's Nightgown is ablaze.
Then the first rope is aflame and the others soon catch fire.
I have never seen a man run straight up a tower wall until today.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Max yells as he rapidly ascends and actually makes it into my arms before the whole rope thing turns mostly to ash in our hands and we drop the remains into the courtyard.

Max and I look down.
Crikey is crying, so is Jane.
Grimm is guffawing.
well scratch attempt number 2.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

 Ralph, our Court Wizard once told me that there were 50 ways to leave your lover. I was 13. When he said it he was musing with these strings hanging out of his ears attached to a tiny box he held in his hands. When I asked Mom about it she said it must be a magical device like a scryer or fortune teller's ball that gave him secrets that had kept our kingdom of Stonehaven safe from the multitude of mistakes that my Father, the king kept making. Mom was pretty miffed with Dad at that point....
Anyway, when I was 17, I asked Ralph about it hoping to gain some insight into why everyone loved Prince Hal but no lady or princess had professed her love for me...
I know what you are going to say and no, I am not into girls but I am a Prince and these are things I thought Princes must be and as far a Ralph was concerned- I considered it something a Prince should know about... I mean escape plans.

To put it briefly, I was in a bit of a pickle, I mean, besides being stranded with a cute guy, a decent although a bit annoying princess and a conman who was probably less then trustworthy. I really need to get out of here, slay a dragon and take Princess Jane back to Stonehaven and show my twit of a father that I was as good as any prince.
Fine. I have issues. Half the time I don't know whether I am a Prince or a woman and frankly it's driving me quite mad.
Also Max.
I mean Max is driving me quite mad. He keeps giving me the "smolder" and while I have thus pretended that it's not appealing my insides melt into this puddle of goo almost every time. Like yesterday, we went down to the bottom of the tower to see if we could get the door at the base open, It's locked. Apparently this Goblin called Snargle has the key but he's been relocated to Upper Arctica and no one has been able to remind him of this fact. I had this idea we would use my sword to pry out the nails in the boards holding the door together.
First, I let Max try -cause he's a guy and guys always have something to prove to me. He failed, turns out that while he's a guy, he's not a "beefcake" and who should expect such a debonair rogue like him to be.
This is when he gives me the smolder.
I laugh in his face and snatch my sword away from his hands.
I try to pry open the door, and fail although I make a good show that I am only getting started.
Then I get Mister Debonair to join in on the fun and we grunt and groan and strain and suddenly I find that we are facing each other and our hands are touching on the sword and our faces are inches apart and I can smell his sweet breath on my nose and he gives me the smolder.
I must have gone soft in the eyes because he puckers up and tries to kiss me.
I panic and head butt him.
"Ow!" Max yells and stumble back his lip swollen and red where he bit it when I slammed my forehead into his mouth.
"You crazy-" he stops and just glares at me as I try to not look flustered.

"If ye think that's bad, see what she does when you try to pinch her ass!" An all to familiar voice pipes from the now open door.

I spin around, drop my sword and gape at Grimm who stands in open door.

"Grimmy!" I yell and fling myself into his arms.

Well, that was attempt number 1.
I mean it worked, not that Max and I got the door opened but that Grimm found out that you can open the door from the outside but not the inside (who makes doors like this, I mean besides Gnomes and Goblins and somebody Ralph calls "Call Center Owners?")
This was astounding news, or it would have been- save that in my relief and excitement at seeing Grimm alive and us stumbling around as I hugged him we stumbled into the doorway and it slammed shut behind him.
Totally his fault.

"Of course, it's MY fault." Grimm says as the three of us gaze at the re-locked door.

7 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes Intro

The Good News!
1. Max took off the dress and put on his regular "adventuring clothes, whitish shirt, blue leather vest, and pantaloons (pants) forest green, boots and bracers (some men look good in bracers)

The Bad News!
1. Max left the room and changed in private. Not that I think he's got a hot body or nothing...

The Good News.
1 Princess Buttercup wants to be called Jane for a while, I don't personally blame, coming up with all those mispronunciations while fun was exhausting....
2. Crikey says that there might be a back door to this place.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have gone silent outside.

The Bad News.
1. Jane is actually somewhat likable when she isn't being all princess buttercuppy. I was enjoying hating her.
2. Crikey is mad that I won't stop calling him Crikey and now won't say where he saw this "door" of his.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have been replaced by an ominous silence.