ONCE upon a time. Again.

Once upon a time, far, far, far away.

Well, not so far away as that.

There was the Magical Kingdom of StoneHaven

My Home.

"Then one day a dragon ate it."

What dragon?

"I'm sure I can whip one up."

You're an idiot.

"Says you."

I am the narrator.

"And what difference does that make?"

My boyfriend is a toad.

"Ouch."

So, we went off on an adventure, slew a dragon, rescued a princess, who my idiot father, the king, insists I must marry. Never mind, that I am a girl and she's a girl and you know what? My father is to blame for this, mostly.

My father is King Devon of StoneHaven, a little kingdom off the beaten track near Far Far Away. There are seven other kingdoms and some duchies that make up our neck of the woods. 

Beyond the lands of the 9 kingdoms are the Witch Wastes to the south, the Dragon Wastes to the North, the Land of Myr to the West and Wizard Estates to the East. In between these vast lands and wastelands are the 18 Seas. I won't name them here since I usually forget what the other 17 are. Geography is not my strong point

"8 Kingdoms and 9 Duchies."

"What?"

"You said 9 Kingdoms."

"I know what I said, Jane."

"If there are only 8 kingdoms, how come you said there was a ninth? It makes no sense."

I love it when she pouts.

"I am not pouting."

It's the duchies. There are 9 of them and collectively they insist on being the Ninth Kingdom.

"So why not say that in the first place?"

"Because the Baronies would find out and insist that there were enough of them to form a 10th kingdom." That's not happening.

"Why isn't it happening?"

Sometimes I wonder if I think out loud.

"It's these magic books that Flynn sells that shows the story as you write it."

"Remind me to kill Flynn."

"He was just sore that you are going to marry me instead of him."

He could have asked!!!!

Jane says nothing.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Once upon a time, there was a-

"What are ye writing, Lassie?"

"Nothing Grimm! I am, however, trying to write in peace."

That means NO DWARVES, GOBLINS OR DRAGONS.

"Well, ye don't have to be rude."

Sometimes rude is the only way to be.

Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 14

So, to recap: the goblins stole Crawley's chair and now he has to sit on the floor.
The only goblin to escape bounced over the way confirming Grimm's theory of elasticity on goblins.
We have almost been rescued once by a handsome prince with a non-competition clause.
We are still stuck in this tower with two annoying ravenous dragons.
We are really sick of canned food.
I am in love with a brilliant man who has no imagination.
Hey, give that back!

"Oh, I'm a brilliant man!"

"With no imagination."

"We'll see about that!"

I spend the next hour chasing Max up and down the tower until he trips over Grimm and I tackle him.
We roll around on the floor until we both surrender in giggles (from us) and grumbles (from Grimm).
Jane- I mean Emma comes in and looks down at the two of us lying on top of Grimm. She shakes her head and sits down next to me.
We sit up and try to look serious.
Grimm stands up and swears in a language I have never heard, but it sounds violent and bad, then glowers at me.

"This is all your fault!" and stomps out of the room.

"Was he talking to me?" Max says.

The two of us girls look at Max and nod.

Max hangs his head.

"I guess I need to apologize?" he says peeking up at me through his hair.

He is so cute. Jane giggles and then I burst out in giggles too.

Max sits up with a look of triumph on his face.

"Sonovabirch!" Grimm yells.

We all look to where he just left.

"You're dead now Max." Jane says

"Yeah-" I start to say then Grimm starts cursing even more.

Curiosity overcomes all of us and we wander out to the window (well one of them).

Grimm is leaning out the window and yelling curses at the ground.

"Where's Crawley?" I ask looking around.

"Getting inspired by goblins!" Grimm yells "You bastard, I hope you burn!"

We crowd to the window and look down.
There is nothing new down there. I mean there is the rubble, the remains of bones and zeppelin, and wagons and a bathtub and...
The tub gets up and moves slowly for a while in the general direction of the gate.
Grimm keeps swearing until he realize that we are just looking at him.
"What?"
"Well, it is a pretty smart plan." Max points out.
"Here comes the dragon." Emma says (hey! I am just trying the name out.)

Sure enough, in comes teenage dragon who belches a gout of fire which flows over the cast iron tub. No visible result. The tub takes the blast well, then rises a bit and continues scooting out of the courtyard.

"Well look at that." Max says.

"Here comes mama dragon." Emma says.

Sure enough mama dragon leaps over the teenage dragon lands on the tub and grasps at it.
To it's credit the tub refuses to be crushed and the mama dragon's claw fails to fin purchase on it's smooth bottom. The legs have been removed.

"Well look at that." Max says.

The mama dragon stands up looks at the tub and shrugs. The tub scoots away. Both dragons sit there are watch it scoot out onto the drawbridge.

"Uhoh." I say.

Both dragons breath fire onto the drawbridge; for a moment, it looks like nothing happens, then a perceptible crack is heard, then a groan.
Crawley gives a scream of terror, rolls the tub over and makes a run for it even as the drawbridge collapses into splinters about the vastly deep chasm. Crawley and the tub pause as if for effect before plunging down into the abyss.
Crawley screams all the way down.

"Well look at that." Max says.

So much for escapae attempt number 14.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 11-12

Attempt 11: Create a distraction while the rest of us sneak out the back.
Problem #1: Who will be the distraction?
My solution is that it should be Crikey.
Crawley's suggestion that it has to be Jane, since she is the princess and the only person the dragons won't incinerate on the spot.
Jane says it should be the goblins since it's really their fault she's there in the first place.
Max say it should be Grimm since dwarves smell like old beer and taste like sour milk.
Grimm shoves his hand in Max's mouth and says are you sure that's sour milk.
Max is now throwing up. He stops long enough to curse all dwarves.
The goblins say it be me, since I am a better princess than Jane.
Someone speaks up and says that there is no back door.
We all freeze in place and turn to the speaker who is apparently in the closet.
The someone stops speaking (high pitched voice like a small child or maybe a grandparent or both).
The room gets very quiet.....Max and Grimm sneak over to the closet, count to three and then push it over.
There is a high pitched squeak, a crash and then a muffled voice says:
"Real mature- guys."
The goblins suddenly have rusty knife and hooked daggers out.
"Gnomes." They both say.
"Looks like we found our distraction." I say.

It's just one gnome. (think dwarf no beard, not much hair).
He crawls out of the closet, once Grimm opens it to let him out.
He has Jane's bodice on.
"It's not what it looks like." He says holding up his hands.
"You mean you're not a gnome?" Max asks.
"You mean you're not a cross dressing perv?" Jane asks.
Crawley screams inarticulately and goes for his throat, Grimm trips him.
Grimm grunts and says "Smells like a goat more than a gnome."
The Goblins go for the gnome who uses dazzle on them and the goblins wanders around in a daze.
What is dazzle you might ask?
I have no clue, one moment, two bloodthirsty gnomes are racing towards the gnome and then the gnome throws up his hands (well his arms which are really short) and BAM. smoke and bubbles appear out of thin air and the goblins wander around in a stupor.
You asked.

One hour later, Cogspinner, the gnome, is dangling by a rope with a big sheet tied to him reading
"Eat Me." painted on it in tomato juice.
The rest of us are sneaking out the "back" which turns out to be a dead end.
"Fuking Gnomes." Grimm say staring at the collapsed passage out. Looks like the Zeppelin crushed it when it crashed and exploded.
"Told you so." Cogspinner says behind the Sodimir (who jumps out of his skin...figuratively- because otherwise that would be so much eww).
We all turn to glare at the Gnome.
We all stare at the Gnome.
My brain starts screaming.
(No distraction).
"Fuke!" I whisper.

What follows is a mass charge back to the tower.
There is a lot of noise, stumbling, tripping, crying and pushing....mostly by Crawley and the goblins.
But we all make it back inside.
"Fuking Gnomes!" Grimm growls.
Cogspinner shrugs and heads for the pantry with a can opener.

My brain starts screaming.
"Where are the dragons?'
Everyone stops and looks at me.

We go look.
There is a knight fighting the younger dragon- and winning. There is a pack of men-at-arms fighting the other dragon and losing but slowly.
We are at the upper door (the one with no landing).
The Knight stops with his sword locked in the claws of the dragon and looks at us.
We gape at him. He shrugs apologetically and whistles to his men.
One of the men-at-arms disengages and rushes over to the knight.
The knight points at us.
We wave.
The man-at-arms does a facepalm.
What is a facepalm?
let me show you.

The Knight holds up his hand to the Dragon with one finger up in the universal sign of "wait a minute."

The Knight smacks the man-at-arms on the back of his helmet. There is an audible clang.

The Knight sheaths his sword, and shrugs, whistles to the others who desist in their attack and apologize to the rather confused dragon. They walk over to the knight, who turns to us and says.

"Sorry, didn't realize you were already spoken for already, my lady."

He bows and turns on his heel and marches away out of the castle.

The man-at-arms hurries after apologizing.

"Sorry, my prince, our intel assured us that she wasn't rescued yet." 

"Obviously, it was bad intel!" The knight/prince says before disappearing from view.

"Well Fuke." I say.

There is an audible sob from Jane.

So there you have it.

Attempt 11- total fail.

Attempt 12 (the rescue) or as I put it. The Epic Fail.

Jane turns to me, tears on her face and says.

"This IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Then she runs away bawling.

Well crying. That's how Max tries to sell it.

I'd say blubbering.

As it turns out, I get to be the one to go comfort her as I am the only other female.

I would have made Cogspinner do it since he might as well be female....but she hates him more than she hates me.

"Jane?"

I find her in her room. she is huddled in the far corner head on her knees sniffling.

"Go away/" she says trying not to sob again.

"I would but no one will let me out of this room until you forgive me...or kill me."

I go over and sit down next to her. 

She looks at me and I can see she is not really mad at me.

I put my arm around her and she leans her head on my pauldron. Then it hits me.

It's the Fuking armor!

"I think I need some help getting this armor off."

Turns out to be a liberating experience for both of us.

Without the armor, I turn out to be a girl like her. She finally relaxes and a giggle escapes her lips as she gets what I just got.

"It was the armor that killed the rescue." she says quietly while smoothing out my shirt.

I take off the shirt and pants as Jane blushes.

"What?" I ask.

"You are so pretty without all that steel." She says looking at me.

I blush right down to my toes. No one (other than my mother) has ever called me pretty before.

"Can I try on one of your dresses?"

Jane laughs and the moment of admiration goes away as we go to her wardrobe and look through her dresses.

Turns out, we are almost the same height and shape. 

It feels weird wearing a dress. For one thing, I feel the breeze on my legs and- well if you are a guy, try on one sometime or get a kilt if you are too manly for a skirt/dress.

I feel pretty and I am okay with that.

What's more, I have a best friend and coconspirator now. 

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 6-11

I know what you are going to say. I do. I would say it as well if it just weren't so painful.
Sodimir and Crackstew are full of ideas.
Unlucky for us, most of them are downright awful. Lucky for us after the last one the Goblins decided to stop making suggestions.

Attempt 6. Run for it.
Sodimir suggests this one at dinner. Everyone laughs except Sodimir who shrugs then jumps up and runs for it. He gets 35 paces from the door, meets up with a wall of flame and sprints back into the tower. He doesn't smell any worse for it, I mean he already smelt terrible after the exploding zeppelin incident.

Attempt 7. Lucky number does not mean lucky break.
We should all run in different directions. Sodimir's next brilliant plan fails about 4 feet out the door when he realizes that he is again the only one running. He actually stops and turns his back on his impending doom to wag his finger at me (and the others) before he burst into flame and runs back between my legs (I have burn marks on my armor) to plunge into the soup of the day Jane was busy burning on the firepit.
Jane is not talking to me right now for criticizing her cooking.
it also doesn't help that I reassured her that I thought the soup was boiling oil for the dragon or that it should be.
On the bright side Sodimir smells like vegetable stew now.

Attempt 8. Poison the dragons. 
Crackstew has this brilliant idea until Grimm tells him that this is only going to happen if we had a horse or a cow to do it with, since the dragons show no interest in our canned goods (which Max and I take turns running out to the Zeppelin wreckage to retrieve between ideas). Grimm does offer to feed Sodimir to the dragon once we've poisoned him, though.
Sodimir tells Grimm that dwarves taste better than goblins.
Nobody agrees but I point out that smelling like stale beer is only slightly better then smelling like old shoes.
Now Grimm won't talk to me- or the Goblins who thought old shoes smelled really nice.

Attempt 9.  We can bargain with the Dragons.
Crackstew says you can bargain with dragons. 
We all agree (too quickly).
Now Crackstew won't talk to anyone of us now.

Attempt 10. Sodimir can bargain with anything.
You would think the two running incidents would have taught him something.
It did not.
Also. a good rule is to have something to bargain with.
Jane hit Sodimir with a frying pan when he offered to give the dragon the princess.
Sodimir apparently thought I was the princess. Jane tried to apologize but Sodimir won't let her come near him.

Attempt 11. We need a distraction.
Yep, we are still arguing about that one right now.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 5

We're running out of food.
This is bad.
Not that I enjoy canned food.
This is good.
It means the goblins are coming with resupply in a fireproof zeppelin!

I am pumped, cause we are going to highjack that puppy!!!

We carefully go over the plan.

Grimm and Max will wait until the zeppelin is close and grab it's docking ropes and then Jane will show some leg (we had to give her something to do) and then I will overpower the goblin captain and we will steal the zeppelin and escape.

1 hour later a message arrives via bat (messenger bats are very popular with goblins apparently) stating that the shipment will be delayed another week and they are sorry for the delay. On the back of the message is a recipe for something called Air Souffle and an off color joke about a turnip and a rabbit.

15 minutes later a 3 span section of the roof of the tower collapses under the load of a crate of canned food  and Grimm and Crawley are buried in them as the crate comes apart (also it's on fire). We hear the Goblins laughing at us as they make their own escape. Something about the tower being bugged.

2 minutes later the lot of us watch the Dragon chase the goblin zeppelin around the courtyard. 

Goblin Zeppelins are not as big as I imagined. Also not fireproof either as the goblin screaming indicates as the whole contraption plunges down into the courtyard.

10 minutes later we are joined by Sodomir Gett and Crackstew, our two new tower denizens who are mildy crispy midland goblins. Apparent Crankshaft and Corkscrew are now toast, but as Gett says they were the lucky ones.

Goblins look okay but smell like burnt rubber.

"Who's she talkin' too?"

"Best not ask, she gets grumpy if interrupted..." Max says.

"Too late laddy." Grimm says.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 4

Parachute/glider.
Breakfast.

"I know, lets make a Parachute!" I announce to all gathered eating something called Canned Hash (which looks disgusting but if you get past the salt and graininess, it is really disgusting but edible).

"What is a Parachute?" Max asks.

"Seriously?" Then it hits me that a parachute is one of Ralph's inventions. So I explain it.

"A parachute is a device made out of cloth-" I began.

"Ooh, like our bed sheets?" Jane interjects.

"Yes! And you gather the corners and tie them with ropes and uh, add some more ropes to the sides near the middle. Then you take the other ends the ropes and tie them to an object like a" I look around trying to remember what Ralph said to tie them to. "a chair."

"And?" Crawley says.

"And we launch it out the door at the top of the tower and parachute down out of the tower."

"Girly, I see a problem here." Grimm says between mouthfuls, of course, he loves this stuff.

"What is that?"

"Assuming this cock-eyed contraption actually works what's going to keep it from going straight down the dragon's gullet?" Grimm adds burp to accentuate his point.

"I, uhm, it will drift away on the breeze?"

"Right!" Grimm says while cleaning out a can with his finger.

"it's a good plan." I grump.

In the end Crikey, I mean Crawley  volunteers to try this item out.
Two hours later, four sheets, 3 left over ropes, and one chair. We are at the upper doorgetting ready, we push the sheets out and Crawley steps out for the chair when a blast of hot air and fire comes up from below and the sheets inflate on the wind and the chair rips out of Crawley's grasp to soar out over the castle.

"Would you look at that?" Grimm says "It works"
Crawley looks sick as the chairachute (yes I wanted to call it that) drifts away

"We can make more-" I begin to say.

Then the sheets catch fire and the whole thing plummets back to the courtyard and smash on the stones into tiny splinters.

"Well, I might have overstated your success girlie." Grimm says.

Crawley still looks disappointed.

Max looks down, puts his arm around me, sighs.

"Well Prince Charming, back to the drawing board?"

I just slouch and stomp my way back inside.

"How about a glider?"

"No."

"How about we tie a rope to the \dwarf and swing him out as bait and when the dragon swallows him we ride the dragon to freedom."

"I think I am going to kill Max."

"Good luck on that stumpy!" Max says before making for the door.

"No!"

They both stop and look at me.
Then Jane looks in at me.
Then Crawley.

I just shrieked out no.

I am such a girl right now.
At first I feel horror
And then the smile comes out.
Max is grinning.
Grimm is not.

It is all good.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 3

We could make wings and glide out of the tower?

"That's idiotic!" Jane

It worked for Icarus and Daedalus.

"Who?"

Those greek guys who escape from King Minos buy flying.

"Uh, not to be a downer, but Icarus wings melt and he died." Max puts in.

Dammit, forgot about that stupid kid.

"Kids ruin everything." Crawley says.

"Besides all we have it a feather bed and no candles." Jane interjects

"Goose Feathers." Max sighs.

We could build a hot air balloon out of sheets and - nope I got nothing.

"No more fire!" Crawley screams and then bursts into tears and flees the room.

Battering Ram!

"Now yer thinkin'" Grimm says from where he has been sleeping in the corner.

So we search the tower.
Three floors later, two wardrobes, 2 tables and 3 beds and not enough wood to make a good ram.

How about the rafters
We all look up.
"Who's got an ax?" Grimm asks

Wait, I thought you had an ax?

"Well, I did, but I lost it when I was outrunning and jumping away from that Dragon."

Ohhhh, right. Nuts.

Well no one has an ax. I have a sword.

which proves to be a complete waste of time. Swords are not axes by any stretch of the imagination.

Grimm tries anyway. Chips my sword. At least he didn't break it.

We all stare at the rafter in anger.

"It'd make such a good ram." Grim sighs.

In the end we go to bed. except Crawley's bed is broken- it looked promising. he takes the bath tub.
Jane and I end up in her bed again.
Grimm takes the bed from Max with one well placed fart.
Max ends up on the couch.
So do I since Jane snores.
Max and I snuggle down on the couch.

"Your feet smell."

"You could sleep up here with me instead of that end to end, foot to head approach you are trying." Max  says and waggles his eyebrows at me.

His eyebrows are a lot more attractive than his smelly feet.
So we end up snuggling face to face in each arms.

Max gives me the smulder.
I shove him off the couch.

"What?" Max stares in shock.

"That looks is trouble." I say and a giggle escapes.

"It's always worked for me in the past." Max says as he tries to climb back onto the couch.

"Until you tried it on me....wait have you used it on Jane?'

"Yes, I mean no- I mean...I don't know what I mean..." Max looks very cute right now kneeling by the couch.

"It didn't work on her either did it?"

Max slumps and huffs in a very charming way while scowling at the same time.

"No."

I could kiss him right now but I don't.

I lean back and star at the rafter and contemplate my need to kiss him.

After a moment, I look back at him to invite back into my arms and find him asleep, his head leaning back against the couch.

Nuts.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

Attempt #2
Rope ladder.
Problem not enough rope.
also it's flammable as max who is currently 40 feet down just found out.
Imagine if you will:
I mean it, imagine it.
Jane, Grimm and Myself peice together six pieces of rope, sheets, 2 belts and one nightgown (I am not judging)
"Dammit all I loved that nightgown!" Crikey Crawley whimpers as Max prepares to descend.

"Relax Crikey." Max says in a placating tone. "I am sure it won't come to harm."

Famous last words.

So down Max went as we struggle to lower him.
Forty foot later, we ran out of rope.
"It's only another 60 or so foot! Jump!" Grimm yells.

"Funny." Max yells back.

"Try swing for that ledge!" I yell.

Max starts swinging out for a ledge some 25 feet away.
We watch him run sideways along the tower side and jump out into space and swing out and up and miss the ledge. On his way back, his shadow alerts the Dragon- let's call him Fussypants.
Fussypants snorts out a fireball which misses Max.

"Ha you missed!" Max yells and laughs.

"Did not." Fussypants yells back.

"I am still her, very unlit." Max retorts.

"Uh Max?" I call as Jane starts screaming.

"Oh crap." Max says and starts a hasty assent.

Crikey's Nightgown is ablaze.
Then the first rope is aflame and the others soon catch fire.
I have never seen a man run straight up a tower wall until today.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Max yells as he rapidly ascends and actually makes it into my arms before the whole rope thing turns mostly to ash in our hands and we drop the remains into the courtyard.

Max and I look down.
Crikey is crying, so is Jane.
Grimm is guffawing.
well scratch attempt number 2.

7 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes Intro

The Good News!
1. Max took off the dress and put on his regular "adventuring clothes, whitish shirt, blue leather vest, and pantaloons (pants) forest green, boots and bracers (some men look good in bracers)

The Bad News!
1. Max left the room and changed in private. Not that I think he's got a hot body or nothing...

The Good News.
1 Princess Buttercup wants to be called Jane for a while, I don't personally blame, coming up with all those mispronunciations while fun was exhausting....
2. Crikey says that there might be a back door to this place.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have gone silent outside.

The Bad News.
1. Jane is actually somewhat likable when she isn't being all princess buttercuppy. I was enjoying hating her.
2. Crikey is mad that I won't stop calling him Crikey and now won't say where he saw this "door" of his.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have been replaced by an ominous silence.