ONCE upon a time. Again.

Once upon a time, far, far, far away.

Well, not so far away as that.

There was the Magical Kingdom of StoneHaven

My Home.

"Then one day a dragon ate it."

What dragon?

"I'm sure I can whip one up."

You're an idiot.

"Says you."

I am the narrator.

"And what difference does that make?"

My boyfriend is a toad.

"Ouch."

So, we went off on an adventure, slew a dragon, rescued a princess, who my idiot father, the king, insists I must marry. Never mind, that I am a girl and she's a girl and you know what? My father is to blame for this, mostly.

My father is King Devon of StoneHaven, a little kingdom off the beaten track near Far Far Away. There are seven other kingdoms and some duchies that make up our neck of the woods. 

Beyond the lands of the 9 kingdoms are the Witch Wastes to the south, the Dragon Wastes to the North, the Land of Myr to the West and Wizard Estates to the East. In between these vast lands and wastelands are the 18 Seas. I won't name them here since I usually forget what the other 17 are. Geography is not my strong point

"8 Kingdoms and 9 Duchies."

"What?"

"You said 9 Kingdoms."

"I know what I said, Jane."

"If there are only 8 kingdoms, how come you said there was a ninth? It makes no sense."

I love it when she pouts.

"I am not pouting."

It's the duchies. There are 9 of them and collectively they insist on being the Ninth Kingdom.

"So why not say that in the first place?"

"Because the Baronies would find out and insist that there were enough of them to form a 10th kingdom." That's not happening.

"Why isn't it happening?"

Sometimes I wonder if I think out loud.

"It's these magic books that Flynn sells that shows the story as you write it."

"Remind me to kill Flynn."

"He was just sore that you are going to marry me instead of him."

He could have asked!!!!

Jane says nothing.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Once upon a time, there was a-

"What are ye writing, Lassie?"

"Nothing Grimm! I am, however, trying to write in peace."

That means NO DWARVES, GOBLINS OR DRAGONS.

"Well, ye don't have to be rude."

Sometimes rude is the only way to be.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 6-11

I know what you are going to say. I do. I would say it as well if it just weren't so painful.
Sodimir and Crackstew are full of ideas.
Unlucky for us, most of them are downright awful. Lucky for us after the last one the Goblins decided to stop making suggestions.

Attempt 6. Run for it.
Sodimir suggests this one at dinner. Everyone laughs except Sodimir who shrugs then jumps up and runs for it. He gets 35 paces from the door, meets up with a wall of flame and sprints back into the tower. He doesn't smell any worse for it, I mean he already smelt terrible after the exploding zeppelin incident.

Attempt 7. Lucky number does not mean lucky break.
We should all run in different directions. Sodimir's next brilliant plan fails about 4 feet out the door when he realizes that he is again the only one running. He actually stops and turns his back on his impending doom to wag his finger at me (and the others) before he burst into flame and runs back between my legs (I have burn marks on my armor) to plunge into the soup of the day Jane was busy burning on the firepit.
Jane is not talking to me right now for criticizing her cooking.
it also doesn't help that I reassured her that I thought the soup was boiling oil for the dragon or that it should be.
On the bright side Sodimir smells like vegetable stew now.

Attempt 8. Poison the dragons. 
Crackstew has this brilliant idea until Grimm tells him that this is only going to happen if we had a horse or a cow to do it with, since the dragons show no interest in our canned goods (which Max and I take turns running out to the Zeppelin wreckage to retrieve between ideas). Grimm does offer to feed Sodimir to the dragon once we've poisoned him, though.
Sodimir tells Grimm that dwarves taste better than goblins.
Nobody agrees but I point out that smelling like stale beer is only slightly better then smelling like old shoes.
Now Grimm won't talk to me- or the Goblins who thought old shoes smelled really nice.

Attempt 9.  We can bargain with the Dragons.
Crackstew says you can bargain with dragons. 
We all agree (too quickly).
Now Crackstew won't talk to anyone of us now.

Attempt 10. Sodimir can bargain with anything.
You would think the two running incidents would have taught him something.
It did not.
Also. a good rule is to have something to bargain with.
Jane hit Sodimir with a frying pan when he offered to give the dragon the princess.
Sodimir apparently thought I was the princess. Jane tried to apologize but Sodimir won't let her come near him.

Attempt 11. We need a distraction.
Yep, we are still arguing about that one right now.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 5

We're running out of food.
This is bad.
Not that I enjoy canned food.
This is good.
It means the goblins are coming with resupply in a fireproof zeppelin!

I am pumped, cause we are going to highjack that puppy!!!

We carefully go over the plan.

Grimm and Max will wait until the zeppelin is close and grab it's docking ropes and then Jane will show some leg (we had to give her something to do) and then I will overpower the goblin captain and we will steal the zeppelin and escape.

1 hour later a message arrives via bat (messenger bats are very popular with goblins apparently) stating that the shipment will be delayed another week and they are sorry for the delay. On the back of the message is a recipe for something called Air Souffle and an off color joke about a turnip and a rabbit.

15 minutes later a 3 span section of the roof of the tower collapses under the load of a crate of canned food  and Grimm and Crawley are buried in them as the crate comes apart (also it's on fire). We hear the Goblins laughing at us as they make their own escape. Something about the tower being bugged.

2 minutes later the lot of us watch the Dragon chase the goblin zeppelin around the courtyard. 

Goblin Zeppelins are not as big as I imagined. Also not fireproof either as the goblin screaming indicates as the whole contraption plunges down into the courtyard.

10 minutes later we are joined by Sodomir Gett and Crackstew, our two new tower denizens who are mildy crispy midland goblins. Apparent Crankshaft and Corkscrew are now toast, but as Gett says they were the lucky ones.

Goblins look okay but smell like burnt rubber.

"Who's she talkin' too?"

"Best not ask, she gets grumpy if interrupted..." Max says.

"Too late laddy." Grimm says.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 4

Parachute/glider.
Breakfast.

"I know, lets make a Parachute!" I announce to all gathered eating something called Canned Hash (which looks disgusting but if you get past the salt and graininess, it is really disgusting but edible).

"What is a Parachute?" Max asks.

"Seriously?" Then it hits me that a parachute is one of Ralph's inventions. So I explain it.

"A parachute is a device made out of cloth-" I began.

"Ooh, like our bed sheets?" Jane interjects.

"Yes! And you gather the corners and tie them with ropes and uh, add some more ropes to the sides near the middle. Then you take the other ends the ropes and tie them to an object like a" I look around trying to remember what Ralph said to tie them to. "a chair."

"And?" Crawley says.

"And we launch it out the door at the top of the tower and parachute down out of the tower."

"Girly, I see a problem here." Grimm says between mouthfuls, of course, he loves this stuff.

"What is that?"

"Assuming this cock-eyed contraption actually works what's going to keep it from going straight down the dragon's gullet?" Grimm adds burp to accentuate his point.

"I, uhm, it will drift away on the breeze?"

"Right!" Grimm says while cleaning out a can with his finger.

"it's a good plan." I grump.

In the end Crikey, I mean Crawley  volunteers to try this item out.
Two hours later, four sheets, 3 left over ropes, and one chair. We are at the upper doorgetting ready, we push the sheets out and Crawley steps out for the chair when a blast of hot air and fire comes up from below and the sheets inflate on the wind and the chair rips out of Crawley's grasp to soar out over the castle.

"Would you look at that?" Grimm says "It works"
Crawley looks sick as the chairachute (yes I wanted to call it that) drifts away

"We can make more-" I begin to say.

Then the sheets catch fire and the whole thing plummets back to the courtyard and smash on the stones into tiny splinters.

"Well, I might have overstated your success girlie." Grimm says.

Crawley still looks disappointed.

Max looks down, puts his arm around me, sighs.

"Well Prince Charming, back to the drawing board?"

I just slouch and stomp my way back inside.

"How about a glider?"

"No."

"How about we tie a rope to the \dwarf and swing him out as bait and when the dragon swallows him we ride the dragon to freedom."

"I think I am going to kill Max."

"Good luck on that stumpy!" Max says before making for the door.

"No!"

They both stop and look at me.
Then Jane looks in at me.
Then Crawley.

I just shrieked out no.

I am such a girl right now.
At first I feel horror
And then the smile comes out.
Max is grinning.
Grimm is not.

It is all good.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 3

We could make wings and glide out of the tower?

"That's idiotic!" Jane

It worked for Icarus and Daedalus.

"Who?"

Those greek guys who escape from King Minos buy flying.

"Uh, not to be a downer, but Icarus wings melt and he died." Max puts in.

Dammit, forgot about that stupid kid.

"Kids ruin everything." Crawley says.

"Besides all we have it a feather bed and no candles." Jane interjects

"Goose Feathers." Max sighs.

We could build a hot air balloon out of sheets and - nope I got nothing.

"No more fire!" Crawley screams and then bursts into tears and flees the room.

Battering Ram!

"Now yer thinkin'" Grimm says from where he has been sleeping in the corner.

So we search the tower.
Three floors later, two wardrobes, 2 tables and 3 beds and not enough wood to make a good ram.

How about the rafters
We all look up.
"Who's got an ax?" Grimm asks

Wait, I thought you had an ax?

"Well, I did, but I lost it when I was outrunning and jumping away from that Dragon."

Ohhhh, right. Nuts.

Well no one has an ax. I have a sword.

which proves to be a complete waste of time. Swords are not axes by any stretch of the imagination.

Grimm tries anyway. Chips my sword. At least he didn't break it.

We all stare at the rafter in anger.

"It'd make such a good ram." Grim sighs.

In the end we go to bed. except Crawley's bed is broken- it looked promising. he takes the bath tub.
Jane and I end up in her bed again.
Grimm takes the bed from Max with one well placed fart.
Max ends up on the couch.
So do I since Jane snores.
Max and I snuggle down on the couch.

"Your feet smell."

"You could sleep up here with me instead of that end to end, foot to head approach you are trying." Max  says and waggles his eyebrows at me.

His eyebrows are a lot more attractive than his smelly feet.
So we end up snuggling face to face in each arms.

Max gives me the smulder.
I shove him off the couch.

"What?" Max stares in shock.

"That looks is trouble." I say and a giggle escapes.

"It's always worked for me in the past." Max says as he tries to climb back onto the couch.

"Until you tried it on me....wait have you used it on Jane?'

"Yes, I mean no- I mean...I don't know what I mean..." Max looks very cute right now kneeling by the couch.

"It didn't work on her either did it?"

Max slumps and huffs in a very charming way while scowling at the same time.

"No."

I could kiss him right now but I don't.

I lean back and star at the rafter and contemplate my need to kiss him.

After a moment, I look back at him to invite back into my arms and find him asleep, his head leaning back against the couch.

Nuts.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

Attempt #2
Rope ladder.
Problem not enough rope.
also it's flammable as max who is currently 40 feet down just found out.
Imagine if you will:
I mean it, imagine it.
Jane, Grimm and Myself peice together six pieces of rope, sheets, 2 belts and one nightgown (I am not judging)
"Dammit all I loved that nightgown!" Crikey Crawley whimpers as Max prepares to descend.

"Relax Crikey." Max says in a placating tone. "I am sure it won't come to harm."

Famous last words.

So down Max went as we struggle to lower him.
Forty foot later, we ran out of rope.
"It's only another 60 or so foot! Jump!" Grimm yells.

"Funny." Max yells back.

"Try swing for that ledge!" I yell.

Max starts swinging out for a ledge some 25 feet away.
We watch him run sideways along the tower side and jump out into space and swing out and up and miss the ledge. On his way back, his shadow alerts the Dragon- let's call him Fussypants.
Fussypants snorts out a fireball which misses Max.

"Ha you missed!" Max yells and laughs.

"Did not." Fussypants yells back.

"I am still her, very unlit." Max retorts.

"Uh Max?" I call as Jane starts screaming.

"Oh crap." Max says and starts a hasty assent.

Crikey's Nightgown is ablaze.
Then the first rope is aflame and the others soon catch fire.
I have never seen a man run straight up a tower wall until today.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Max yells as he rapidly ascends and actually makes it into my arms before the whole rope thing turns mostly to ash in our hands and we drop the remains into the courtyard.

Max and I look down.
Crikey is crying, so is Jane.
Grimm is guffawing.
well scratch attempt number 2.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

 Ralph, our Court Wizard once told me that there were 50 ways to leave your lover. I was 13. When he said it he was musing with these strings hanging out of his ears attached to a tiny box he held in his hands. When I asked Mom about it she said it must be a magical device like a scryer or fortune teller's ball that gave him secrets that had kept our kingdom of Stonehaven safe from the multitude of mistakes that my Father, the king kept making. Mom was pretty miffed with Dad at that point....
Anyway, when I was 17, I asked Ralph about it hoping to gain some insight into why everyone loved Prince Hal but no lady or princess had professed her love for me...
I know what you are going to say and no, I am not into girls but I am a Prince and these are things I thought Princes must be and as far a Ralph was concerned- I considered it something a Prince should know about... I mean escape plans.

To put it briefly, I was in a bit of a pickle, I mean, besides being stranded with a cute guy, a decent although a bit annoying princess and a conman who was probably less then trustworthy. I really need to get out of here, slay a dragon and take Princess Jane back to Stonehaven and show my twit of a father that I was as good as any prince.
Fine. I have issues. Half the time I don't know whether I am a Prince or a woman and frankly it's driving me quite mad.
Also Max.
I mean Max is driving me quite mad. He keeps giving me the "smolder" and while I have thus pretended that it's not appealing my insides melt into this puddle of goo almost every time. Like yesterday, we went down to the bottom of the tower to see if we could get the door at the base open, It's locked. Apparently this Goblin called Snargle has the key but he's been relocated to Upper Arctica and no one has been able to remind him of this fact. I had this idea we would use my sword to pry out the nails in the boards holding the door together.
First, I let Max try -cause he's a guy and guys always have something to prove to me. He failed, turns out that while he's a guy, he's not a "beefcake" and who should expect such a debonair rogue like him to be.
This is when he gives me the smolder.
I laugh in his face and snatch my sword away from his hands.
I try to pry open the door, and fail although I make a good show that I am only getting started.
Then I get Mister Debonair to join in on the fun and we grunt and groan and strain and suddenly I find that we are facing each other and our hands are touching on the sword and our faces are inches apart and I can smell his sweet breath on my nose and he gives me the smolder.
I must have gone soft in the eyes because he puckers up and tries to kiss me.
I panic and head butt him.
"Ow!" Max yells and stumble back his lip swollen and red where he bit it when I slammed my forehead into his mouth.
"You crazy-" he stops and just glares at me as I try to not look flustered.

"If ye think that's bad, see what she does when you try to pinch her ass!" An all to familiar voice pipes from the now open door.

I spin around, drop my sword and gape at Grimm who stands in open door.

"Grimmy!" I yell and fling myself into his arms.

Well, that was attempt number 1.
I mean it worked, not that Max and I got the door opened but that Grimm found out that you can open the door from the outside but not the inside (who makes doors like this, I mean besides Gnomes and Goblins and somebody Ralph calls "Call Center Owners?")
This was astounding news, or it would have been- save that in my relief and excitement at seeing Grimm alive and us stumbling around as I hugged him we stumbled into the doorway and it slammed shut behind him.
Totally his fault.

"Of course, it's MY fault." Grimm says as the three of us gaze at the re-locked door.

7 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes Intro

The Good News!
1. Max took off the dress and put on his regular "adventuring clothes, whitish shirt, blue leather vest, and pantaloons (pants) forest green, boots and bracers (some men look good in bracers)

The Bad News!
1. Max left the room and changed in private. Not that I think he's got a hot body or nothing...

The Good News.
1 Princess Buttercup wants to be called Jane for a while, I don't personally blame, coming up with all those mispronunciations while fun was exhausting....
2. Crikey says that there might be a back door to this place.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have gone silent outside.

The Bad News.
1. Jane is actually somewhat likable when she isn't being all princess buttercuppy. I was enjoying hating her.
2. Crikey is mad that I won't stop calling him Crikey and now won't say where he saw this "door" of his.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have been replaced by an ominous silence.