I was going to call this one All's Well that Ends Well but Shakes Spear objected.

And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
Time to go.

"HEY!"

Dammit.

"YOU CAN'T JUST END IT THERE!"

And why not?

"FOR ONE THING, WHO'S THEY?"

Prince Charlie and her friends... I mean the Duke obviously didn't since he's a little snit.

"THIS STINKS."

It's my fairytale.

It is my fairytale, right?

Well....

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT?"

The narrator.

"FUKE THAT GUY!"

And then the voices cried out as one frog right before the elephant put her foot down.

"NUTS."

I warned you.

Once upon a time....

Really?

Yup.

Dammit.

In a wasteland farther away than one might think.
There was a beautiful and brave Prince who was really a Princess.

Hi, that's me.

A dashing Rogue-

"That's me," Max says. "I'm Dashing."

A Freshly Rescued and Pretty Princess-

"I guess that's me," Jane adds.

A Fantastically Fancy Witch...

Ismie blows gracefully.

A de-garden-gnomed Dwarf with a chip on his shoulder

"[expletive deleted]"

and 3 idiotic footmen.

"I am not a footman!" Alex yells.

Luke and that other one look at him yelling.

"My name is Wilks!"

"You are not on foot?" Ismie asks.

"Well, yes." Alex replies in a lower tone of voice.

"You are a soldier in Prince Charlie's Guard?" Ismie asks.

"Well...yes."

"Then you are a footman."

Alex grumbles.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT US?!"

I look at Prince Charming, his Man-at-arms, a garden gnome and an odd assortment of soldier's dragging my dragon's head.

"What about you?"

"Don't we get an intro?" Definitely Prince Charmin.

"I dunno."

"And why not, pray tell?"

"I am no longer narrating.

Once upon a time in the Dragon Wastlelands, there was a band of stalwart adventurers who, having slain a dragon were on the long road home, on foot.
The way was harsh and five of them died getting home.

Wait, what?

5 of them are about to die.

DAMMIT.

Kidding.

I am beginning to hate you.

Once upon a time in the Dragon Wastelands, there was a group of loosely associated people who did not get on well. One of them had a Fairytale complex.
Good times.....

Hey?

Sorry, reminiscing.
Where were we?


We are on the road back to Stonehaven.
Ismie turns to me at the crossroads.
She points to the road sign that reads "WitchHaven" off to the right.
"This is my road," she says. We hug. She whispers in my ear, "Tell Ralph to call me. It's been a blast, let's do it again sometime."
Then she snaps her fingers and a broom hops out of nowhere. She hops onto it and speeds out of sight. I watch her go.
I wish she was my fairy godmother.
"Yer nuts," Grimm grumbles as he watches her speed off.
"That's what a garden gnome would say," I retort.
Grimm gives me the finger.

"Speaking of which-" Sprogg-something tries to say. "We must be going as well." Sprocket the one-armed gnome interrupt the Garden Gnome. "Hey! I was tal-"
"We must be going to." The Man-at-arms says interrupting whatshisname? "It's a long way back to Stevenshire, and we're walking." he points to his Prince and the other soldiers. I would say it was nice, but then Prince Charming would probably have me birched."
"Bye!" I reply. as they all peel off to the left following the Stevenshire sign.
"My name is Sprog-" the Garden Gnome yells as we walk on.

Alex and Luke and Wilk's shift the Dragon's head between them as Grimm marches on
I am walking between Max and Jane. The Parasite Inn is fading away into the distance.

"Well that was a good adventure," I say.
"mmmhmmm." Jane says asshe takes my hand.
"It's all getting better from here," Max says. "Right?"
"Uhm."
"Aw Come on!" Max says, "What's the worst that can happen?"

I have a bad feeling but choose to ignore it.
I also ignore the background music that is playing something foreboding.

All's Well that Ends Well.
No one lived happily ever after, however.

Oh, hush.

The Trouble with Witches

We look for a nice table in the Parasite Inn.
Rather, the patrons spot Ismie (I mean she does stand out) and scatter in a semi-fluid not really constrained manner abandoning most of the tables in the room, just in case, she chooses the one where they were sitting. Ismie watches this with some amusement.
"Is this normal?" I ask.
"Yup," Ismie says. "Ever since I first said I was a witch, most everyone who has heard it scatters as if I am a loose wand shooting spells all willy nilly."
"Ah."
Ismie walks through the abandoned tables, ignoring them until she reaches an empty corner.  We pause in the alcove.
Ismie whips out her wand.
The room goes into panic mode as the patrons flee in all directions, out windows, under tables, over the bar, up the stairs, into the ladies room.
"Dinerosa," Ismie whispers and with a pop a nice table and two chairs appears in the alcove. The table has a tablecloth with blue stars on a black backdrop, white china and slim wine glasses, utensils made of white pearl and pepper and salt shakers made to look like gnomes.
"Have a seat," Ismie says as she slides into the other one, she snaps her fingers in the air.
I sit down opposite her, my back to the wall, she is against the other wall and the Inn is to my left. I am struck again by her beauty.
"Thanks, that's really nice of you to keep saying that," Ismie says.
I blush and feel my heart do tiny flip flops.
"It happens. I like being with you too, I mean you are a sweet kid, a lot like your dad....I mean-" Ismie says, looks guiltily at her hands before whispering "whoops."
I gawk at her caught between fear, surprise and a certain dread that I know what she just really said.
"Any chance we could just forget I said that?" She ventures.
"You hate my father," I say, but I already know something is wrong with the statement.
"I don't hate Devin. He's an idiot, for sure, I might dislike him for the way he goes on with your mother, Saran," Ismie takes a deep breath, snaps her fingers again, looks across the bar, wave her wand. The wine arrives in 2 counts and is poured and the waitress disappears as fast as she appeared.
"Devin, I mean dad, is not my real father....the gnome Sprogsgu- was telling the truth," I say slowly.
Ismie gulps down the wine makes a face, taps the glass with her wand twice before tossing back the whole glass. She looks a bit sick and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry Charlie. I guess I may be as bad as Sprogsgutton when it comes to confidences."
"Wait that Gnome's name is Sprogsgutton?"
"Finally!" The gnome practically screams it from under the table.
We both look under the table to find Sprogsgutton there with both hands clamped over his mouth.
Sprogsgutton nods, still holding his hands over his mouth and scampers for the door, his new weasel tail swishing behind him.
I feel sick. I take a sip of the wine.
Ismie puts her hand on mine. It is oddly comforting. I should be angry.
"It's good that you aren't," Ismie says. "I mean you probably would have figured it out eventually."
"Is Queen Sam-" I choke on a sudden rush of fear.
"She is," Ismie says squeezing my hand, I feel better.
"Then..... Devin isn't- I mean that means Ralph is my-"
"Well, not exactly," Ismie says. She drinks more wine. "Sheesh, this is harder than it looks."
"So, Ralph isn't my father then who is?" I say, but I know that Ralph is.
"Ralph is technically your dad," Ismie starts then stops then laughs. "This is the trouble with witches."
"Ralph's a wizard.... isn't he?"
Ismie stops, opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again.
"It's complicated by magic and science." She finally says.
"What?"
Ismie looks over at the rest of the bar, everyone is studiously not listening to every word we have said.
"Stupify!" Ismie yells and the entire inn flees out the windows and doors.
"Did you just cast a spell?" I ask watching the rapid retreat.
"Did it look like a spell?" Ismie says pocketing her wand.
"Nope," Prince Charlie, magical expert.
"Well, they thought it was a spell," Ismie says.

A pregnant silence follows.

"Hmph, that's a word Ralph would use," Ismie says. "Look, Charlie, it's like this. Your dad, Devin was shooting blanks and Saran asked Ralph for help and he asked me since Wizards are bad with babies."
"Shooting blanks....?" I struggle to imagine Devin shooting anything.
Ismie stops, opens her mouth then closes it.
"Oh," I say. "The Birds and the Rabbits speech." I slap my forehead. I got that speech about 5 times from 4 different people at 5 different times.... none of which made sense. I later went to Ralph who gave me a book that made even less sense. In the end, Queen Sam explained it to me.
"Dad's is infertile?" I ask.
"He was, at the time," Ismie said. "No one knew it. I found out after an old Hag by the name of Malificnessa let it slip one night after a few drinks that Devin's Dad Kevin had insulted her Mother Magnifica and that Mag had curse Devin's family line with impotence for the insult. Malificnessa then said that her mom wasn't the best at curses and screwed up the curse but the end result was still sterility, so no one fixed it."
"I have a Grandfather?"
"Technically he's not your grandfather," Ismie says. "Technically he's an Oak Tree in the courtyard."
"Oh," I say, "You mean the one with the swing."
"That would be the one," Ismie says.
That's the trouble with witches, they seldom really forgive anyone.
"We do forgive but it does help if there is an apology."

"Anyway, I told Ralph who told your Mom and we came up with a plan to give King Devin a child."
So I am a child of Magic.
"Well, artificial insemination," Ismie adds.
"Artificial insemi- what?"
"Magic," Ismie says. "I had no other idea what it was before I cast it either, only Ralph does.
"And my brother?"
"Well, he is really Devin's child," Ismie says. "Those curses traded at your twelfth birthday had side effects."
"Oh," Because this somehow makes sense.
"I'm assuming that-" Ismie says. "I wasn't there, but given the accuracy of spell casting anything is suspect."
"So I am Ralph's Brat Kid after all."

"Told you so."
I punch Sprogsgutton in the nose without even looking at him.
"I'm sorry!" he screams as he flies across the room.
Ismie watches him go.
"I hate Gnomes."
"That makes two of us," Ismie says.

"Uh, a couple of things, Charlie?" Ismie says after Sprogsgutton hits the wall and shatters into several hundred ceramic pieces.
"Yeah?' I say, not surprised that Ismie would recurse the gnome at this point.
"Devin doesn't know." Ismie sighs. "So, if you corner Ralph over this, it would be nice not to do it in earshot."
"I wasn't going to tell my father anything."
We watch the Garden Gnome put himself back together.
"Ralph on the other hand-"
"I have a thing for Ralph if you haven't noticed," Ismie says, "So please don't be too hard on him."
"I am not going to kill him," I say, "He is my father, technically speaking."
"You did punch King Dev in the gut," Ismie says.
"So, I could punch Ralph in the gut. That would be allowed?"
"I would advise against it. You don't want trouble with Wizards, even the ones who are your father."
"Good point."

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 6-11

I know what you are going to say. I do. I would say it as well if it just weren't so painful.
Sodimir and Crackstew are full of ideas.
Unlucky for us, most of them are downright awful. Lucky for us after the last one the Goblins decided to stop making suggestions.

Attempt 6. Run for it.
Sodimir suggests this one at dinner. Everyone laughs except Sodimir who shrugs then jumps up and runs for it. He gets 35 paces from the door, meets up with a wall of flame and sprints back into the tower. He doesn't smell any worse for it, I mean he already smelt terrible after the exploding zeppelin incident.

Attempt 7. Lucky number does not mean lucky break.
We should all run in different directions. Sodimir's next brilliant plan fails about 4 feet out the door when he realizes that he is again the only one running. He actually stops and turns his back on his impending doom to wag his finger at me (and the others) before he burst into flame and runs back between my legs (I have burn marks on my armor) to plunge into the soup of the day Jane was busy burning on the firepit.
Jane is not talking to me right now for criticizing her cooking.
it also doesn't help that I reassured her that I thought the soup was boiling oil for the dragon or that it should be.
On the bright side Sodimir smells like vegetable stew now.

Attempt 8. Poison the dragons. 
Crackstew has this brilliant idea until Grimm tells him that this is only going to happen if we had a horse or a cow to do it with, since the dragons show no interest in our canned goods (which Max and I take turns running out to the Zeppelin wreckage to retrieve between ideas). Grimm does offer to feed Sodimir to the dragon once we've poisoned him, though.
Sodimir tells Grimm that dwarves taste better than goblins.
Nobody agrees but I point out that smelling like stale beer is only slightly better then smelling like old shoes.
Now Grimm won't talk to me- or the Goblins who thought old shoes smelled really nice.

Attempt 9.  We can bargain with the Dragons.
Crackstew says you can bargain with dragons. 
We all agree (too quickly).
Now Crackstew won't talk to anyone of us now.

Attempt 10. Sodimir can bargain with anything.
You would think the two running incidents would have taught him something.
It did not.
Also. a good rule is to have something to bargain with.
Jane hit Sodimir with a frying pan when he offered to give the dragon the princess.
Sodimir apparently thought I was the princess. Jane tried to apologize but Sodimir won't let her come near him.

Attempt 11. We need a distraction.
Yep, we are still arguing about that one right now.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 5

We're running out of food.
This is bad.
Not that I enjoy canned food.
This is good.
It means the goblins are coming with resupply in a fireproof zeppelin!

I am pumped, cause we are going to highjack that puppy!!!

We carefully go over the plan.

Grimm and Max will wait until the zeppelin is close and grab it's docking ropes and then Jane will show some leg (we had to give her something to do) and then I will overpower the goblin captain and we will steal the zeppelin and escape.

1 hour later a message arrives via bat (messenger bats are very popular with goblins apparently) stating that the shipment will be delayed another week and they are sorry for the delay. On the back of the message is a recipe for something called Air Souffle and an off color joke about a turnip and a rabbit.

15 minutes later a 3 span section of the roof of the tower collapses under the load of a crate of canned food  and Grimm and Crawley are buried in them as the crate comes apart (also it's on fire). We hear the Goblins laughing at us as they make their own escape. Something about the tower being bugged.

2 minutes later the lot of us watch the Dragon chase the goblin zeppelin around the courtyard. 

Goblin Zeppelins are not as big as I imagined. Also not fireproof either as the goblin screaming indicates as the whole contraption plunges down into the courtyard.

10 minutes later we are joined by Sodomir Gett and Crackstew, our two new tower denizens who are mildy crispy midland goblins. Apparent Crankshaft and Corkscrew are now toast, but as Gett says they were the lucky ones.

Goblins look okay but smell like burnt rubber.

"Who's she talkin' too?"

"Best not ask, she gets grumpy if interrupted..." Max says.

"Too late laddy." Grimm says.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 4

Parachute/glider.
Breakfast.

"I know, lets make a Parachute!" I announce to all gathered eating something called Canned Hash (which looks disgusting but if you get past the salt and graininess, it is really disgusting but edible).

"What is a Parachute?" Max asks.

"Seriously?" Then it hits me that a parachute is one of Ralph's inventions. So I explain it.

"A parachute is a device made out of cloth-" I began.

"Ooh, like our bed sheets?" Jane interjects.

"Yes! And you gather the corners and tie them with ropes and uh, add some more ropes to the sides near the middle. Then you take the other ends the ropes and tie them to an object like a" I look around trying to remember what Ralph said to tie them to. "a chair."

"And?" Crawley says.

"And we launch it out the door at the top of the tower and parachute down out of the tower."

"Girly, I see a problem here." Grimm says between mouthfuls, of course, he loves this stuff.

"What is that?"

"Assuming this cock-eyed contraption actually works what's going to keep it from going straight down the dragon's gullet?" Grimm adds burp to accentuate his point.

"I, uhm, it will drift away on the breeze?"

"Right!" Grimm says while cleaning out a can with his finger.

"it's a good plan." I grump.

In the end Crikey, I mean Crawley  volunteers to try this item out.
Two hours later, four sheets, 3 left over ropes, and one chair. We are at the upper doorgetting ready, we push the sheets out and Crawley steps out for the chair when a blast of hot air and fire comes up from below and the sheets inflate on the wind and the chair rips out of Crawley's grasp to soar out over the castle.

"Would you look at that?" Grimm says "It works"
Crawley looks sick as the chairachute (yes I wanted to call it that) drifts away

"We can make more-" I begin to say.

Then the sheets catch fire and the whole thing plummets back to the courtyard and smash on the stones into tiny splinters.

"Well, I might have overstated your success girlie." Grimm says.

Crawley still looks disappointed.

Max looks down, puts his arm around me, sighs.

"Well Prince Charming, back to the drawing board?"

I just slouch and stomp my way back inside.

"How about a glider?"

"No."

"How about we tie a rope to the \dwarf and swing him out as bait and when the dragon swallows him we ride the dragon to freedom."

"I think I am going to kill Max."

"Good luck on that stumpy!" Max says before making for the door.

"No!"

They both stop and look at me.
Then Jane looks in at me.
Then Crawley.

I just shrieked out no.

I am such a girl right now.
At first I feel horror
And then the smile comes out.
Max is grinning.
Grimm is not.

It is all good.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 3

We could make wings and glide out of the tower?

"That's idiotic!" Jane

It worked for Icarus and Daedalus.

"Who?"

Those greek guys who escape from King Minos buy flying.

"Uh, not to be a downer, but Icarus wings melt and he died." Max puts in.

Dammit, forgot about that stupid kid.

"Kids ruin everything." Crawley says.

"Besides all we have it a feather bed and no candles." Jane interjects

"Goose Feathers." Max sighs.

We could build a hot air balloon out of sheets and - nope I got nothing.

"No more fire!" Crawley screams and then bursts into tears and flees the room.

Battering Ram!

"Now yer thinkin'" Grimm says from where he has been sleeping in the corner.

So we search the tower.
Three floors later, two wardrobes, 2 tables and 3 beds and not enough wood to make a good ram.

How about the rafters
We all look up.
"Who's got an ax?" Grimm asks

Wait, I thought you had an ax?

"Well, I did, but I lost it when I was outrunning and jumping away from that Dragon."

Ohhhh, right. Nuts.

Well no one has an ax. I have a sword.

which proves to be a complete waste of time. Swords are not axes by any stretch of the imagination.

Grimm tries anyway. Chips my sword. At least he didn't break it.

We all stare at the rafter in anger.

"It'd make such a good ram." Grim sighs.

In the end we go to bed. except Crawley's bed is broken- it looked promising. he takes the bath tub.
Jane and I end up in her bed again.
Grimm takes the bed from Max with one well placed fart.
Max ends up on the couch.
So do I since Jane snores.
Max and I snuggle down on the couch.

"Your feet smell."

"You could sleep up here with me instead of that end to end, foot to head approach you are trying." Max  says and waggles his eyebrows at me.

His eyebrows are a lot more attractive than his smelly feet.
So we end up snuggling face to face in each arms.

Max gives me the smulder.
I shove him off the couch.

"What?" Max stares in shock.

"That looks is trouble." I say and a giggle escapes.

"It's always worked for me in the past." Max says as he tries to climb back onto the couch.

"Until you tried it on me....wait have you used it on Jane?'

"Yes, I mean no- I mean...I don't know what I mean..." Max looks very cute right now kneeling by the couch.

"It didn't work on her either did it?"

Max slumps and huffs in a very charming way while scowling at the same time.

"No."

I could kiss him right now but I don't.

I lean back and star at the rafter and contemplate my need to kiss him.

After a moment, I look back at him to invite back into my arms and find him asleep, his head leaning back against the couch.

Nuts.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins

Attempt #2
Rope ladder.
Problem not enough rope.
also it's flammable as max who is currently 40 feet down just found out.
Imagine if you will:
I mean it, imagine it.
Jane, Grimm and Myself peice together six pieces of rope, sheets, 2 belts and one nightgown (I am not judging)
"Dammit all I loved that nightgown!" Crikey Crawley whimpers as Max prepares to descend.

"Relax Crikey." Max says in a placating tone. "I am sure it won't come to harm."

Famous last words.

So down Max went as we struggle to lower him.
Forty foot later, we ran out of rope.
"It's only another 60 or so foot! Jump!" Grimm yells.

"Funny." Max yells back.

"Try swing for that ledge!" I yell.

Max starts swinging out for a ledge some 25 feet away.
We watch him run sideways along the tower side and jump out into space and swing out and up and miss the ledge. On his way back, his shadow alerts the Dragon- let's call him Fussypants.
Fussypants snorts out a fireball which misses Max.

"Ha you missed!" Max yells and laughs.

"Did not." Fussypants yells back.

"I am still her, very unlit." Max retorts.

"Uh Max?" I call as Jane starts screaming.

"Oh crap." Max says and starts a hasty assent.

Crikey's Nightgown is ablaze.
Then the first rope is aflame and the others soon catch fire.
I have never seen a man run straight up a tower wall until today.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Max yells as he rapidly ascends and actually makes it into my arms before the whole rope thing turns mostly to ash in our hands and we drop the remains into the courtyard.

Max and I look down.
Crikey is crying, so is Jane.
Grimm is guffawing.
well scratch attempt number 2.

7 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes Intro

The Good News!
1. Max took off the dress and put on his regular "adventuring clothes, whitish shirt, blue leather vest, and pantaloons (pants) forest green, boots and bracers (some men look good in bracers)

The Bad News!
1. Max left the room and changed in private. Not that I think he's got a hot body or nothing...

The Good News.
1 Princess Buttercup wants to be called Jane for a while, I don't personally blame, coming up with all those mispronunciations while fun was exhausting....
2. Crikey says that there might be a back door to this place.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have gone silent outside.

The Bad News.
1. Jane is actually somewhat likable when she isn't being all princess buttercuppy. I was enjoying hating her.
2. Crikey is mad that I won't stop calling him Crikey and now won't say where he saw this "door" of his.
3. The screams of terror and roars of rage have been replaced by an ominous silence.