What happens at the Parasite Inn, should have stayed at the Parasite Inn

Well, we finally reached the Parasite Inn.
We actually didn't know it was called the Parasite Inn before we were standing outside it looking up at the sign.
We knew that something weird was going on because it was one of three buildings that made up the rest stop on the Coventry road out of the Dragon Wastes.
Also, we suspected that the rest of my entourage was here because there isn't another inn or bar or house in a hundred days march anywhere around here and we had found no remains that looked like them as we trudged along the road.
Also, we had discussed meeting up at an inn - okay, that's not true, Grimm said that he and Alex had discussed meeting up at an inn- in case we got separated.
The rest stop consisted of the Inn, a stable and an outhouse.
Talk about luxury. At least, there was any funny smells or dead bodies in sight, that's good, right?

"The Parasite Inn"  Max read for all of us as we stood at the door looking at the weather beaten plank upon which the name had been carefully painted.
"Lovely name. " Jane said.
"Get out of the way." Grimm said "I'm going in."
No one moved.
I blinked and looked around knowing that everyone was looking at me.
"Oh, right, because I am suddenly in charge." I breathed and looked at the sign again.
"Just make a decision." Max said.
"Fine, we will go in." So Max sweeps open the door for us and Grimm drops the dragon's hard by the door and stomps in licking his lips.
I look at the dragon's head.
"Who's going to steal it?" Jane says.
We look around.
whistling noise followed by a why ya ya sound.
This is a weird town.
I shrug and we go in.
At first glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap peeling paint and a ramshackle bar of tied together wood with what looks like twine.
It's actually hair, not twine.
At second glance, the Parasite Inn is a dive bar with cheap patrons swilling something that smells like unwashed longshore men and desperation. The furniture is more the left overs of a dozen ruined castles, including converted doors for tables and logs for stools. The bar is bound wood with dragon hair twine and the patrons number exactly seven.
I blink.
At a table in the center of the room sits Alex the Palace Guard, unshaven, unwashed guzzling a mug of swill, while Wilks has his head buried in his hands clutching what little is left of his hair and Luke who is midsip staring at us while his grog runs down his chin and onto the table.
There is also a gnome who looks kind of like Metta Sprocket but with more loose wires and a thing with it's "arms" wrapped around Luke like an octopus. The barkeep is a Goblin with one eye and one tooth.
And then there is a Ogre asleep at the bar.

"Hi Guys!" I say as I sit down and glance at the octowoman wrapped around Luke.
She glares at me and then at Jane and then Max and starts to unwind around Luke.

"I, uh...yeah. I will get us a drink!" Max says with a shudder at this creature who licks her slimy lips at him and he skedaddles off to the bar.
Jane and I sit down across from Alex.

"Alex this is Princess Jane, my future consort. Jane, this is the cowardly captain of the guard who left me to die at the hands...I mean claws of two blood thirsty dragons." I say this as sweetly as possible.

Alex, to his credit snaps his mouth shut, winces then blanches a dark shade of red, opens his mouth again to speak then shivers and snaps it shut almost as hard as the first time. I imagine his teeth cracking. I feel better.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Captain Coward." Jane says as she slips under my arm and into a chair next to me. We "cuddle" as Alex squirms.

Wilks looks up suddenly and squeaks, rubs his eyes and squeaks again. He is wasted.

Grimm dumps the dragon's head in the corner next to the octowoman and Luke. the octowoman looks down at the dragon head and screams in a ear splitting glass shattering wail, completely unravels herself from Luke and scrambles-
"Slithers" Jane interjects.
-away across the bar and out the back door. The rest of the bar goes silent and I become acutely aware that there is a lot of people in the bar that I did not notice before. It's one of those Tangled moments.

"What did I miss?" Max asks, returning with three cups of something.
"Grimm making his usual first impression." I say.
"Slithergirl's hastey retreat." Jane adds.
Max looks down at us. We make a space for him, he grabs a stool and sits down between Jane and me. Jane sighs, takes a cup and sips at it, coughs, grimaces, and slugs back the whole cup, then burps.

"That good?" I say.
"Tastes better than that crap that blew up the castle." Jane says.
Max eyes his.
"Garlfether said it was wine- the best he had." Max says gesturing at the Goblin barkeep.
"You mean he can talk?" I say. "I mean he only has one tooth."
Max sighs and slugs back his then spits it out in a stream of spew all over Luke- who is sitting opposite him.
"Luke, this is my boyfriend, Max. Max, this is the cowardly loser Luke, who left me to die at the claws of two vicious fire breathing dragons."
Luke stops halfway to his feet, wide eyed, rubs his face with the back of his hand and then holds it out to Max.
Max ignores it.
"Let me buy you a drink." Max hops up and heads for the bar.
Luke looks sick, then sits down and hangs his head.
"You're alive." Alex finally says.
"No thanks to you." I reply.
"Whoz alife?" Wilks asks.
"The Prince is." Alex says.
"Therz a Prince?" Wilks says.
"No, the Prince....our Prince." Alex says.
"Our Prinz" Wilks responds. "That means we're dead, right?"
"No- I mean maybe." Alex shoots me a look.

"Who's a Prince?" The Ogre says.

Luke screams (like a girl....or a scared pig or both although it would be insulting to the pig and girl, I suspect).

"I am." I say.

"But your a girl." The Ogre says.

"It's a long story." I reply.

"Sure, it's always a long story, unless you're Prince Charmin." the Ogre says as he flicks Luke out of his chair (into a wall where Luke loses his ability to capitulate and passes out in a dead faint).

"Mind if I sit down." the Ogre says sitting down.

"Yes." Jane says. "But when do you ever listen to anyone anyway."

The ogre looks at her for a time, then smiles a big toothy grin.

"You Princesses are a lot alike, you know?"

"Thanks?" Jane says.

"Yer welcome." the Ogre says and gives me a wink.

Max returns and looks at the Ogre for a long time.

The Ogre looks over at Max as well.

"I know you from somewhere." Max says.

"I was at the bar." the Ogre replies.

"No, I know you are from Far-"

"Let me stop you right there." the Ogre says. "let's all be friends, instead."

Max sits down back in his stool, looks across at the ogre, then swaps seats with Jane.

The Ogre laughs.

I notice that Grimm and the Gnome are currently in a hair pulling contest. Yep, it's Metasprocket minus an arm and some hair. He looks as angry as gnomes can manage to look angry. Dwarves always look angry so who knows if Grimm is angry or smiling or crying.

The Ogre looks at the two and shrugs.

"Nice Dragon head." he says after a moment. "which one of you killed it?"

I take a moment considering what I know about Ogres, what I suspect about this Ogre and his history with donkeys and dragons.

"An exploding castle killed him."

The Ogre looks at me for a moment and bursts out laughing.
We all laugh, although half of us probably do it out of fear.

"You know what we need?" I hear myself say.

"What's that?" Max says.

"A song and dance." I say.

"That is not what happened."

What?

"That didn't happen." Max says.

"It will be better than what did happen." Jane says.

Who's fairy tale is this?

Silence.

That's what I thought.

"What we need is a song." The Ogre said suddenly.

"And some bad dancing." I responded.

"No dancing." Max says.

"Aw come on Max." I say.

"Dammit, stop looking at me like that.....fine some dancing."

I almost clap my hands.

It's kind of what actually happened, the disney version anyway.

Fun times when walking home....No, it wasn't fun.

Let me say that I hate walking.
Also I did not feel like talking about it hence the 60 day- give or take absence of posts.
Yes, I am aware that my fairy tale might bore you or you got sick of waiting for the next embarrassing or degrading moment of my life that I would share with you for almost 8 weeks and after 4 days, you got sick of waiting and went back to watching reruns of Once upon a Time (as if) or Dancing with the Ogres...I mean stars.
But you weren't there.
Really there isn't much to talk about.
Except for this one conversation 3 days in.
Max, who has been strolling along as if nothing is wrong, stops suddenly- causing Grimm to run into his behind since Grimm has spent the last 3 days grumbling about having to drag the Dragon's head,
"Oww!" Max.
"Crimeny, can't you just get out of my frikkin way you arse!" Grimm.
"Watch where you're going Dwarf!" Max says spinning on Grimm.
"Make me HUMAN!" Growls Grimm.
"Are you going to write that down?" Max asks.
"What?" Me.
"I assume that you are writing all this down in that magic book you seem to carry everywhere." Max points at my magic book.
"No-ooo." Me, ever prolific.
Yes, you had to wonder how I managed to keep up with everything as it was happening. Go back and check, when I am indisposed I don't write- like when I was a frog, for instance....actually don't go back and look - it's just too humiliating.
"Give that back." I say because Max has snatched my magic book, Jane rushes over to read as well. They both act shocked. Yes, shocked and I know they are acting because-
"Can't read a thing, it's in some kind of weird code." Max says.
Jane sighs, takes the book from Max and hands it back to me.
"Wait." Max says, "I have been able to read it, earlier as you were writing it."
"It's only encrypted when I don't hold it." I say then realized that this wasn't the best course of action.
Immediately Jane and Max surround me on both sides and try to get me to reopen the magic book which I have clamped shut.
"Be a good sport." Jane says.
"Come on Charlie, I will do that thing that you like if you give me a peek." Max says.
"I'll comb your hair."
"I'll massage your feet."
"I'll let your wear the pink dress."
"I'll let you carry my sword."
"That's my sword."
"Technicalities."
"I will let you kiss me."
Max and I stare agape at Jane.
"I figured I would give it a try." Jane says.
"I- um, " I strategically nose my boot in the sand.
Fine, I admit it, I have thought about it. Jane is just so much a woman whereas I am not.
Besides I've caught Ralph singing a song about a girl kissing girls and he thought it was cool.
Yes, that's my entire defense.
"I can kiss way better than Jane." Max says and pecks me on the cheek.
I almost drop the magic book.
My toes curl in my boots.
I get hot and bothered at the same time- well my mother describes the giddy burning sensation like that.
Jane, not to be outdone, sweeps me into an embrace and plants one on me.
If I have to explain this to you readers, then I probably will have to explain rule 36...or was it rule 63...rule 34? Note to self: ask Ralph which rule it is.
No, I don't even know what rule 1 is when it comes to this stuff.
Max lunges for the two of us and we end up in a fray or a melee of tangled limbs in the dirt. I won't lie and say it wasn't fun.
It was, the wrestling, dodging flying kisses bit.
The mouthful of Jane's hair and the nose full of dust, not so much.
Yep, this is my romantic life, two attractive people vying for my attention and all I get is a mouthful of dirt hair.
"Are you 3 finished?" Grimm glares down at us, which isn't saying much as he barely tops 4 feet.
"Maybe." Max says.
"What I wouldn't give for a bag of holding." Grimm says before he arches his back and plops down on top of the dragon's head which proves to be a bad idea.
Dragons have horns and spikes, lots of them.
Grimm cusses.
"You mean like this bag of holding?" I hold mine up.
Yep, I am the queen of convenient plot devices.
It's my Fairy Tale and I will be that obvious if I want to.
Grimm stares at my bag, licks his lips then goes back to cussing.
and that was it.
The good news is it only took 30 days of walking to find the inn and my entourage (drunk as skunks).
The bad news is I was lying about having a bag of holding.
Grimm was not amused, but I was - for 3 minutes before he punched me.
Dwarves, so violent and short tempered.

Quit dragging my Dragon head around.

It turns out that it was Grimm who found the other Dragon.
Just on the other side of the moat (now filled with debris and Dragon bits), lay the younger Dragon.
It was quite dead. From the looks of things, it appeared that he had caught the flying gnome.
"looks like Cogspinner met his match." Max observes.
He's looking at Cogspinner's boot.
"Don't tell me the foot is still in there." Jane says.
"Yup." Max replies and nudges the boot into the moat.
Jane and I look sick.
"This what happens on Dragon slaying adventures, lassies" Grim says.
Really? This is exactly what happens on Dragon slaying expeditions
"Yep, people get eaten and castles explode and Dragons choke on inebriated gnomes." Max says with silly look on his face.
Grimm tightens the grip on his ax and snarls at Max.
"Grimm this is all your fault." I say.
Grimm shrugs and says: "I slew the dragon."
"That dragon...not this dragon." I respond, "Gimme your axe."

"Do you have to?" Jane says, looking anywhere but at the Dragon's head.

"My father wants a Dragon's head as proof and mama Dragon's head is in pieces thanks to Dragon Slayer Grimm."

"I'll be over there with Max." Jane says.
"But I want to watch." Max says.
"Max, please."
"Oh okay, fine, then." Max slumps off after Jane.
Grimm hands me his ax. I heft it. This will do nicely....I hope.
Grimm turns to go after them, I clear my throat. His head goes down as he slumps.
"What?"
"You're carrying/dragging it back home, Stumpy."
"Me?"
"Yup, you got me into this. Don't think that I don't know."
"But I-" Grimm starts then stops.
"The Witch War too."
Grimm opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
I walk over to the behemoth that is the Dragon.
I will spare you the details, because I still can't believe that I cut off that Dragon's head.
I also can't believe it took that long.

Later, well much later, I found a chain and spike and hammer.
I let Grimm do that part since he'd be dragging it.

I found the others and told them it was time to start walking.
We made it about a mile before I just threw up my hands and we made camp.
I told Grimm he could quit dragging my Dragon head around.

Fairy Tale Festival Season

Enjoying a short break from Dragon Slaying

"Don't you mean Dragon Exploding?"

I love you too Max.

"Don't you mean Princess Emily, your betrothed?"

I love Princess Jane as well.

"What about me?"

No one loves you Grimm, it's your fault we're dragging this Dragon head around.

"What did I do?"

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 16...who am I kidding, exit stage left

So here is the scene. there is a lone tower....I mean a four story shaft of a former 7 story tower missing the top two floors which only moments before were launched into the air following a mysterious explosion that demolished the fifth story save for the stairwell, a three foot section of hallway and a stone door frame. Everything else around the three of us blew upward and outward in a savage blast radius shattering the surrounding castle, dragon and castle walls.
From where I crouch over Jane I see nothing but smoke and sky.
Jane sits up and looks around then turns to me and says.
"Why describe it as savage?"
"Uh."
"I totally agree." Max says still clutching the three foot section of wall next to the stairwell.
"Why not say brutal instead." Jane as carefully sitting up, we are now intimately close.
"Uh."
"Prolific as always I see." Max notes.
"Grr."
Yup, Prince Charlie the brave just growled. I so suck at this hero stuff.
Jane makes a purring noise and then drags me to floor to kiss me and for about six heartbeats I totally panic until I realize she is not actually kissing me and we both burst into hysterical laughter.
"You two are hilarious." Max grumbles.
We both look at him, he still has his deathgrip on the wall which slowly crumbles away behind him and then he is cartwheeling as he falls backward down to the floor screaming in panic.
"I hate both of you right now." He comments from his prone position on the rubble.

"There's nothing left."
"Where's the other dragon?"
We look around.
1 tower (if you can call it that), rubble-lots and lots of rubble, smoke, bits of cloth, and a fresh ocean breeze. All in all, the new view of the coastline and ocean is quite spectacular.
No dragon though.
This bothers me, a lot.
There is what the wizard calls the pregnant silence.
Why is or rather how can silence be pregnant? Women are seldom silent when pregnant, so I think the wizard is wacko.
Then our sky is filled with dragon as he comes over the lip of the cliff, wings wide, trailing smoke and flame.
"Grea-aaat" Max says from his prone position.
Jane looks, I look, Max looks.
We look.
Then the dragon screams in fury and spins away from us and we see a very crispy Cogspinner clinging to the back of the dragon.
He is screaming something but I cannot make it out.
We look at each other, Jane shrugs, none of us can tell what he is screaming.
Then the dragon takes flight down the coastline and vanishes from view.
"What was he screaming?" I say not expecting an answer.
"He was screaming Help me or Fuke you all!" Grimm says from where his head peeks over the rim of the stairwell. "Who knows? Gnomes are incredibly hard to understand."

"This is all your fault." Grimm says.

"My fault?"

"Yes. If you hadn't scared that fellow, I would be enjoying a stiff drink right now."

Fortunately my foot reaches Grimms head. So I kick him down the stairs,
Max crawls over to watch his descent.

"Oh look, Dwarves bounce." Max comments.

Grimm yells "Fuke you all!" All the way down the stairs.

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 15

So here we are.
Prince Charlie who is probably Princess Charlie.
"Princess Charlotte!"
"Shut up Max!"

Princess Jane who would like to be called Princess Emily.
"Plain Jane!"
"Shut up Max!"

Grimm the Grumpy, my aide-de-camp.
"No argument there."
"Shut up Max!"

Max the Scoundrel or as we like to call him, Mister Smolder!
"Hey, no fair! That's my signature move."
"Not working!"

Just the four of us.
So far we've lost two goblins, goblins exploding in air.
"And bouncing." And bouncing (Grimm seems to find this hilarious).
and Crikey, hot tubbing it into a moat.

I feel like I am missing someone.

"The Gnome, Cogspinner." Grimm says between sips of some homemade concoction he's mixed up out of canned beans, dried fruit and armor oil.
"Yer twitching again Girl." Grimm says.

Yes, but is it imagining that brew or is it that other thing....dammit I have already forgotten it!

"The Gnome."

Dammit the Gnome.
"Where is he, anyway?"

"Brewing this crap." Grimm says. '"Erm, got him chained up in the pantry."

"You left a gnome alone in our food supply?"

"What?" Grimm says, then burps.

"Aren't Gnomes, exceptional thieves and tinkerers? I ask.

Max is already running for the door.
We are both in the hallway when we hear Cogspinner cackling.
Jane looks up from the pantry door as we approach.
"It's locked!" She says as she tries the door knob.
There's an audible click then what sounds like a match being lit.
I dive tackle Jane pushing us both down the hallway.
"What the Heck Char-"
It's at that point the pantry door blows off it's hinges as a gout of blue flame billows out and around us. The explosion is deafening as the entire tower shudders.
I am deaf since Jane is screaming and I can't hear anything. I sit up to find a disheveled Max with torn clothing grabbing me as I somehow manage to keep a grip on Jane to drag us back down the stairs. I am vaguely aware the the top of the tower is now missing. I feel the rush of air as the younger dragon soars over us in a rush of scales and leathery wings.
Max stops, says something to us then starts gesturing madly.
Jane and I look back.

Imagine if you can the top part of our tower in flight soaring away into the sunset accompanied by a lot of flames, a smoking gnome clinging to something that looks like a stove pipe, tons of debris- tower blocks and a dragon in pursuit.
Soaring might be an elaboration.
"....wow that was one hell of a blast radius." Max observes.
Jane and I look at him like he is crazy.
He shrugs and points in the other direction.
As the tower, gnome and debris hit their apogee and then plummet towards the sea, I tear my eyes away from the doom of Cogspinner to look around.
Frankly blast radius might be an understatement.
There is not much left of the castle. I mean the whole thing was a ruin anyway, but what was left is now basically spread out in a circular field of collapsing stone, wood, walls, stairs and- could it be?
Dragon bits.
I know, kind of disgusting and I feel kind of bad since the momma dragon wasn't all that bad except when she was trying to eat us or burn us alive- actually I don't feel that bad.

"Woah." Jane says as she takes in that there is little left as the rest of the castle crashes down like a waves spreading out from where a very large stone has been tossed into water.
"Eww, is that?" She says.
"Yes, that was our nemesis." Max says.
"Make sure you don't lose track of that dragon's head." I say.
The two of them look at me with abject horror.
"What?" I shrug. "I need to give it to my dad."

50 Ways to Escape your Lover, a Dragon and a bunch of Damnable Gnomes and Goblins: Attempt 14

So, to recap: the goblins stole Crawley's chair and now he has to sit on the floor.
The only goblin to escape bounced over the way confirming Grimm's theory of elasticity on goblins.
We have almost been rescued once by a handsome prince with a non-competition clause.
We are still stuck in this tower with two annoying ravenous dragons.
We are really sick of canned food.
I am in love with a brilliant man who has no imagination.
Hey, give that back!

"Oh, I'm a brilliant man!"

"With no imagination."

"We'll see about that!"

I spend the next hour chasing Max up and down the tower until he trips over Grimm and I tackle him.
We roll around on the floor until we both surrender in giggles (from us) and grumbles (from Grimm).
Jane- I mean Emma comes in and looks down at the two of us lying on top of Grimm. She shakes her head and sits down next to me.
We sit up and try to look serious.
Grimm stands up and swears in a language I have never heard, but it sounds violent and bad, then glowers at me.

"This is all your fault!" and stomps out of the room.

"Was he talking to me?" Max says.

The two of us girls look at Max and nod.

Max hangs his head.

"I guess I need to apologize?" he says peeking up at me through his hair.

He is so cute. Jane giggles and then I burst out in giggles too.

Max sits up with a look of triumph on his face.

"Sonovabirch!" Grimm yells.

We all look to where he just left.

"You're dead now Max." Jane says

"Yeah-" I start to say then Grimm starts cursing even more.

Curiosity overcomes all of us and we wander out to the window (well one of them).

Grimm is leaning out the window and yelling curses at the ground.

"Where's Crawley?" I ask looking around.

"Getting inspired by goblins!" Grimm yells "You bastard, I hope you burn!"

We crowd to the window and look down.
There is nothing new down there. I mean there is the rubble, the remains of bones and zeppelin, and wagons and a bathtub and...
The tub gets up and moves slowly for a while in the general direction of the gate.
Grimm keeps swearing until he realize that we are just looking at him.
"What?"
"Well, it is a pretty smart plan." Max points out.
"Here comes the dragon." Emma says (hey! I am just trying the name out.)

Sure enough, in comes teenage dragon who belches a gout of fire which flows over the cast iron tub. No visible result. The tub takes the blast well, then rises a bit and continues scooting out of the courtyard.

"Well look at that." Max says.

"Here comes mama dragon." Emma says.

Sure enough mama dragon leaps over the teenage dragon lands on the tub and grasps at it.
To it's credit the tub refuses to be crushed and the mama dragon's claw fails to fin purchase on it's smooth bottom. The legs have been removed.

"Well look at that." Max says.

The mama dragon stands up looks at the tub and shrugs. The tub scoots away. Both dragons sit there are watch it scoot out onto the drawbridge.

"Uhoh." I say.

Both dragons breath fire onto the drawbridge; for a moment, it looks like nothing happens, then a perceptible crack is heard, then a groan.
Crawley gives a scream of terror, rolls the tub over and makes a run for it even as the drawbridge collapses into splinters about the vastly deep chasm. Crawley and the tub pause as if for effect before plunging down into the abyss.
Crawley screams all the way down.

"Well look at that." Max says.

So much for escapae attempt number 14.